Marriage by The Book A Biblical Study about Marriage

Transcription

1 STudy Guide A Biblical Study about Marriage mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 1

2 Second Edition Marriage by The Book A Biblical Study about Marriage Copyright 2010, 2013 by Family Dynamics Institute. All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles. Published in Nashville, TN, by Family Dynamics Institute, Franklin, TN. Unless otherwise noted, all scriptures are from the Holy Bible, New International Version, copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Scripture quotations marked The Message are from The Message, copyright by Eugene H. Peterson, 1993, 1994, Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 2

3 Table of Contents Lesson 1: God s Plan for Marriage Lesson 1: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups Lesson 2: Love One Another Lesson 2: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups Lesson 3: Fulfill One Another Lesson 3: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups Lesson 4: Respect One Another Lesson 4: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups Lesson 5: Carry One Another s Burdens Lesson 5: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups Lesson 6: Honor One Another Above Yourselves Lesson 6: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups Lesson 7: Do Not Judge One Another Lesson 7: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups Lesson 8: Encourage One Another Lesson 8: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups Lesson 9: Be Kind to One Another Lesson 9: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups Lesson 10: Forgive One Another Lesson 10: Discussion Questions for Men s and Women s Groups mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 3

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5 Lesson 1 God s Plan for Marriage Genesis 2:18-25; Malachi 2:13-16; Hebrews 13:4; Matthew 19:6; Ephesians 5:31-32 A Brief Overview of this Study Welcome to this interactive study of biblical marriage developed by Family Dynamics Institute. Over the next 10 weeks you will learn, or at least see from a different perspective, many things that can strengthen your marriage. You will come to appreciate the different viewpoints your fellow discussion group participants will share. The discussion will be lively and inspirational. There are several points we need to emphasize as we begin this adventure together: This 10-week study is a journey to discover God s plan for the union of a man and a woman in marriage. Because it is a journey, we make no claim to cover every possible scripture that might be relevant to the study of a biblical marriage. This course provides you with the basics upon which you can do further study and application. This experience seeks to blend a biblical understanding of God s plan for marriage, inward motivation to do the right thing, encouragement from fellow husbands or wives (present or future), and a measure of pure fun. While intended to be fast-moving and interactive, this study will also be thought-provoking, and motivational. The discussion group activities are designed for one of two formats. First, the material accommodates a class setting in which people are divided into discussion groups men only MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 1 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 1

6 in some groups and women only in the other groups. The Leader Guide addresses this format. Second, some may choose to use the material in small group formats in homes. For such groups, some explanations may seem to fit only a class setting, but when necessary, adapt your setting to the instructions as best as possible. There are four teachers in this class or small group setting. 1. The first teacher is the material in this book, which covers the biblical portion of the teaching and some practical applications of the text. It is imperative that you read the lesson outside of class. Your class leader will not read the lesson in class. He will assume that you read the material outside of class and are ready to move immediately into the group discussions. Nor will he discuss or lecture about the information in class. There is no time for this. So, take 10 minutes to read each lesson before you come to class. 2. Second, you become your own teacher as you answer the questions in your book at the end of each lesson outside of class. If you fail to answer the questions outside of class, you will lose valuable time in class coming up with the best answers from your group. 3. Your discussion group becomes your third teacher as you grasp insights you did not think about on your own. Listen to what each other person in your group shares and then share your answers based on your preparation at home. 4. Experience becomes your fourth and final teacher as you fulfill your commitment the next week that you make at the end of every lesson. Consequently, once the first lesson becomes a part of your history, you have two assignments between each class meeting. First, you do whatever you committed personally to do in order to improve your marriage from the last meeting. Second, you read the next week s materials, answer the questions, and prepare your heart and mind for the next meeting. Your class leader serves a unique function. By following the leader s guide, he or she keeps the class moving. This class is structured so that the more people interact with others, the more they learn and grow. Consequently, thank your class leader often for staying in the background so you can maximize your own growth. If meeting in a home with two small groups, one for the men and one for the women, someone needs to assume the duel role of small group participant and class leader, who coordinates the groups in their reports and in writing their commitments for the next week. 2 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 2

7 We utilize small discussion groups in this class. Every week you will be with several other people of your same gender. Near the end of each class, however, you will hear what the other groups concluded. It is a safe way for people to speak their hearts in their groups. In order for people to feel emotionally safe enough to share honestly and openly in the group discussions, everyone must understand that any personal information shared by others must be kept in strict confidence. In other words, whatever personal information you hear, you honor those people by keeping that information to yourself. After all, each person should have the right to tell his or her own story. To ignore this principle is to become a gossip, something the Lord hates. Thanks in advance for keeping whatever you hear in your group confidential! This class is designed for married couples, engaged couples, and couples seriously dating who have not yet become engaged. The questions you answer outside of class are written from the standpoint of a married couple. If you are not married at this point, please answer in terms of how you think you should respond once married. Let s begin by looking at marriage from God s viewpoint. What is marriage intended to be? Consider five scriptures that provide this overview. Our first scripture took place soon after creation. The Bible says it this way: The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:18-25) MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 3 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 3

8 This is the first time the Bible records God as saying something is not good. That which he sees as not good in most cases is a man alone without his own wife! To remedy this problem, God decided to make a woman whom God said would be a suitable helper for the man. Companionship is important. Prolonged aloneness often produces depression and, in some cases, natural or self-willed death. From a practical basis, it is often easier to stay focused on spiritual values when one is nearby urging the person on. The many one another passages of the New Testament bear witness to this idea. In the context of the passage, another reason man s aloneness was not good was that it was impossible to fulfill God s marching orders to creation found in Genesis 1:28, Be fruitful and increase in number. He would also need help in ruling over the earth. Consequently, God chose to give man a helper to enable him to populate the earth, to subdue it, and to give him comfort, support, encouragement, and many other antidotes to aloneness. God chose to make woman from a part of the man s body. Adam understood this so well that he said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. Verse 24 makes it clear that God s plan for marriage involves three steps. First, once a man matures and finds a woman to spend his life with in marriage, he must release himself from his interconnectedness with his parents. Second, he must unite in an even deeper level of inter-connectedness with the woman he has chosen to marry than he ever experienced with his parents. Third, in this interconnection the man and the woman are united as one flesh. Our second passage is Malachi 2:13-16 Another thing you do: You flood the Lord s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, Why? It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel.... This passage was written after a remnant of the Jews returned from captivity, had re-settled the Promised Land to some degree and gotten comfortable in their new way of life, relegating God to a place of distant convenience. The prophet had many chastisements for his fellow Jews. One of his denunciations, found in the preceding verses to our text (Malachi 2:11-12), was that 4 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 4

9 they were marrying women from the mongrel, pagan race that had taken up residence in the Promised Land when their ancestors were banished into captivity. In addition, the Jewish men were divorcing their wives. While not directly stated, an argument could be made that some of the men may have divorced the Jewish wife of their youth in order to marry a young pagan girl. In his denunciation, Malachi provides some insights into God s view of marriage that He did not reveal in the beginning. When a man marries a woman, God views this new relationship as a covenant that is broken only by some act of unfaithfulness. In Malachi, the perpetrator of the unfaithfulness was the husband because he chose to divorce his wife. While not definitively stating the specific reasons, the reasons they gave for their divorces angered God and displeased Malachi, his prophet. Second, because the relationship is not merely physical, but spiritual as well, the breaking of faithfulness is more than physical; it s a spiritual relationship as well. Consequently, Malachi said that God is seeks godly offspring, or literally, the seed of God from the union of the man and women. Apparently, God does not view divorce as a trivial offense. A third passage for our consideration is Hebrews 13:4 The text says, Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed should be kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Many people today fail to honor marriage in the way God intended. More and more people choose to live together rather than marry. In the year 2005, the number of co-habiting couples in the United States, that is, couples living together without benefit of a marriage license passed the 5 million mark for the first time. Many others, whether married, co-habiting, or single, engage in sexual unions with people with whom they do not share the covenant of marriage. Others see marriage between a man and a woman as a series of relationships beginning with a starter marriage. Still others think that marriage does not mean they should remain faithful MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 5 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 5

10 to their mates. They believe they can enjoy the blessings of their own mates and others of the opposite gender as well. All such couples fail to realize that as a covenant, honored by God and intended to last for a lifetime, marriage can be made to last in a loving, fulfilling way. This honors God who honors their marriages. What does it mean to honor marriage? The Greek word that the New International Version translates as honor in Hebrews 13:4 is translated differently in other places, and can mean, depending on the context, such things as precious, valuable, and esteemed. So, what is it about marriage that we are to value as precious and esteemed? The writer explains one facet of this honor in verse 4. He said that we are to keep our marriage beds pure. It is not, however, merely the physical act that causes unfaithfulness. Jesus raised the bar on the meaning of sexual faithfulness to an even higher standard when he said, as recorded in Matthew 5:28, Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. God intended husbands and wives to enjoy each other sexually. Song of Songs, or as older translations call it, Song of Solomon, portrays a powerful testimony to this fact. But what God intended husbands and wives to enjoy with each other is prohibited with anyone else. Prohibited? Absolutely. How do we know this? The writer continued his thought by saying that those who fail to keep their marriage beds pure are either adulterers or sexually immoral. These two descriptions describe both types of illicit sexual activity with another person. One describes the person who engages in sexual relations with another s spouse. The other describes the person who engages in sexual union with one that is not married to anyone. In other words, God considers it a serious sin for anyone to have sex with anyone besides his or her own mate. To do so is to violate the basic premise of the one flesh relationship. How serious does God consider such an act? The text says God will judge such people. 6 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 6

11 Our fourth passage in this lesson is Matthew 19:6 The larger context is verses In the longer passage, some of the Pharisees sought to ensnare Jesus in a theological trap by asking a question about divorce that they often argued about. In his answer to their first question in verse 3, Jesus began by quoting a part of the Genesis passage we discussed previously. Jesus conclusion to the Pharisees question was, So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. (Matthew 19:6) Regardless of how any particular religious group understands the extent of God s acceptance of divorce, there is one thing upon which we can all agree. God always desired and intended marriage to be a permanent relationship between a man and a woman. Jesus conclusion to the Genesis passage is that once married, a man and a woman are no longer two, but one flesh. Obviously, he does not mean this literally. Both can leave their home on any given workday and journey to their individual places of employment. But he did mean they are to be one flesh sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. Jesus also said in this verse that when a couple marries, God joins them together. Jesus went on to say that whatever God joins together, man should not attempt to undo. The final passage is Ephesians 5:31-32 We will cover Ephesians 5 in greater detail in the next lesson, but for now, let s focus on just these two verses. Paul wrote, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery but I am talking about Christ and the church. We usually think that Paul wanted to talk about marriage. In order to explain the complexity and depth of marriage, he compared it to the relationship of Christ and his church, the people who serve and love him. But in reality, Paul did just the opposite. He wanted to explain the complexity and depth of the spiritual relationship between Christ and his church by comparing it to a marriage of a husband and a wife. In essence, Paul said that in a Christ-centered marriage, we see on a human level the relationship that Christ has with his people who are his bride. MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 7 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 7

12 Points to Remember A man without a wife is not a good thing in most situations. (The scriptures do state some exceptions. For example, compare I Corinthians 7:8.) A husband and wife are to be one physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A husband and wife should enjoy an unashamed intimacy in their relationship. The marriage of a man and a woman is a valuable, precious thing in God s eyes and should be in ours as well. A man (or woman) should avoid any intimate relationship (including emotional intimacy) with anyone beyond his (or her) spouse to avoid damaging something precious and to avoid incurring the wrath of God. God intends a husband and wife to be an inseparable unit. A man and his wife should take seriously God s judgment on people who ignore His plan for marriage. In a Christ-centered marriage, a husband and wife are the closest comparison to the relationship that Christ has with his bride, the church. In class, your leaders will divide you into small groups separated by genders. The questions you will discuss in your groups are pertinent and specific to your gender. After a time, the group discussions will stop and your group leader will ask for 1 to 2 minute reports from each appointed group spokesperson. As you listen to each group report, make mental notes of trends you hear. Especially ask yourself what you are learning from the other reports. Finally, your group leaders will ask you to make a personal commitment for this next week and, hopefully, for the rest of your marriage based on what you experience in the class. So, listen carefully, take good notes, and be ready to stretch yourself. 8 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 8

13 Lesson 1 Discussion Questions for Men s Groups Write answers to these five questions BEFORE coming to class. 1. Understanding that the marriage relationship is a covenant broken only by some act of unfaithfulness, what commitment do you make to your marriage regarding a life-long relationship? 2. Since God has joined you together, how should you treat this relationship to honor God? 3. Since marriage makes a man and a woman one flesh physically, emotionally, and spiritually how can you make this even more real in your marriage? MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 9 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 9

14 4. What can you do now and in the future to steer clear of any action or thought that leads to emotional or physical adultery? 5. What will you do to more closely than ever before emulate the relationship Christ has with his church in your marriage? (Discuss this question with your spouse before coming to class.) 10 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 10

15 Write the responses from your small group discussion DURING class that speak to you. Be prepared to share the best response to all five questions in 2 minutes or less if called upon. 1. Understanding that the marriage relationship is a covenant broken only by some act of unfaithfulness, what commitment do you make to your marriage regarding a life-long relationship? 2. Since God has joined you together, how should you treat this relationship to honor God? 3. Since marriage makes a man and a woman one flesh physically, emotionally, and spiritually how can you make this even more real in your marriage? MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 11 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 11

16 4. What can you do now and in the future to steer clear of any action or thought that leads to emotional or physical adultery? 5. What will you do to more closely than ever before emulate the relationship Christ has with his church in your marriage? 12 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 12

17 Lesson 1 Discussion Questions for Women s Groups Write answers to these five questions BEFORE coming to class. 1. Understanding that the marriage relationship is a covenant broken only by some act of unfaithfulness, what commitment do you make to your marriage regarding a life-long relationship? 2. Since God has joined you together, how should you treat this relationship to honor God? 3. Since marriage makes a man and a woman one flesh physically, emotionally, and spiritually how can you make this even more real in your marriage? MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 13 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 13

18 4. What can you do now and in the future to steer clear of any action or thought that leads to emotional or physical adultery? 5. What will you do to more closely than ever before emulate the relationship Christ has with his church in your marriage? (Discuss this question with your spouse before coming to class.) 14 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 14

19 Write the responses from your small group discussion DURING class that speak to you. Be prepared to share the best response to all five questions in 2 minutes or less if called upon. 1. Understanding that the marriage relationship is a covenant broken only by some act of unfaithfulness, what commitment do you make to your marriage regarding a life-long relationship? 2. Since God has joined you together, how should you treat this relationship to honor God? 3. Since marriage makes a man and a woman one flesh physically, emotionally, and spiritually how can you make this even more real in your marriage? MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 15 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 15

20 4. What can you do now and in the future to steer clear of any action or thought that leads to emotional or physical adultery? 5. What will you do to more closely than ever before emulate the relationship Christ has with his church in your marriage? 16 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 16

21 Central Themes As you listen to each group report, write below the central thoughts you hear repeated by a number of groups. By writing them, you keep a record of the main themes for your own reference and future reflection. MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 17 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 17

22 Personal Commitment Time The one action I will take this next week to develop a deeper sense of oneness with my spouse (or spouse-to-be) is to: 18 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 18

23 MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 19 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 19

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25 Lesson 2 Love One Another Ephesians 5:22-33 As human beings, husbands and wives are equals. One gender is not intellectually, socially, or emotionally superior to the other. As spouses, they should support and encourage one another. As emotional beings, husbands and wives can complement each other s strengths and weaknesses. They should respect each other s uniqueness and rely on the other s strengths. But God in his wisdom, that often defies our understanding and perhaps our logic, created a difference in roles for them. The apostle Paul described this God-intended difference in Ephesians 5: Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 21 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 21

26 Before we discuss this grand passage, there are some observations we need to make. Beginning in chapter 4 and leading up to our text, Paul contrasted the life of a Christian with the lifestyle of Gentiles that Christians should avoid. He concluded this extended thought in Ephesians 5:15-21 by saying that Christians should be careful how they live (v. 15), understand the Lord s will (v. 17), and rather than being filled with wine like the Gentiles, Christians should be filled with the Spirit (v. 18). Paul then included four phrases that provide examples of being filled with the Spirit. First, he told them to be filled with the Spirit by speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs (v. 19). Second, he told them to be filled with the Spirit by singing and making music in their hearts to God (v. 19). Third, he told them to be filled with the Spirit by giving thanks to God the Father for everything (v. 20). Finally, he told them to be filled with the Spirit by submitting to one another (v. 21). Verse 21 is not talking about marriage, but rather how any two Christians should treat each other. This submission takes the form so well expressed by Paul in Philippians 2:3 where Paul wrote, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves. Then Paul turned to three specific situations in which God said he would hold one group accountable for the viability of the relationship and the other group for respecting the unenviable responsibility laid on the first group by God. First, Paul discussed the roles of husbands and wives. Second, he discussed the roles of parents and children. Finally, he discussed the roles of masters and slaves. While telling children to obey their parents, Paul instructed fathers not to exasperate their children (Ephesians 6:1-4). Similarly, whereas slaves were to respect and fear their masters, Paul reminded the masters to treat their slaves with dignity as children of God because they both submit to the ultimate master, God (Ephesians 6:5-9). We should not be surprised, then, how Paul talks of the relationship between a husband and his wife in Ephesians 5: Let s address Paul s admonition to the husband first. God tells the husband that he is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. The church, of course, is not a building or organization. Rather, it is the people who belong to Jesus. And how great was Christ s love for mankind? Mankind was lost because of its sins against God and His will for humanity. Jesus became the perfect, sinless sacrifice for sins so he could accomplish what man could not do for himself, that is, wash away sins. 22 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 22

27 Jesus loved mankind so much that he willingly gave up his life by crucifixion for his bride, the body of Christ. Paul wrote that husbands are to love their wives so much that they would willingly give up their lives for their brides. This is the essence of agape love. Agape love acts because it is the right thing to do - regardless of feelings or situations. This is the response of a Christian husband when thinking of loving and protecting his wife. Christ demonstrated such love for his church to make his bride (i.e., the fellowship of his disciples) holy, radiant, without stain or wrinkle, and blameless. While this description refers primarily to a spiritual state of righteousness, it is easy to see that on a physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological level, every husband should seek to elevate his own wife to a state of blameless radiance in his eyes and in the eyes of all who know her. Listen to how Eugene Peterson describes this portion of the text in The Message Bible. Peterson wrote, Everything he (i.e., Christ) does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They re really doing themselves a favor since they re already one in marriage. The apostle Paul, however, was not finished with his explanation of the husband s responsibility to his wife. In verse 28 Paul explained that every husband should love his wife with the same degree of love he reserves for his own body. None of us ever wants to feel pain, whether that pain stems from physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual injury. We will swallow medicines with all sorts of potentially debilitating side effects if it will just eliminate the unbearable pain radiating through our bodies. We will take all sorts of prescriptions that leave us heavily sedated if we can just escape the agony of depression or grief. If we love our own bodies enough to take extraordinary care of them, how then should husbands love their wives? No husband does this to perfection, but it should be the goal of every husband to strive for it. Husbands should want their wives to know that they truly appreciate whatever part of the housework their wives perform. Consequently, every husband s goal should be to avoid creating any unnecessary messes in the house that make his spouse s part of the housework more complicated or difficult. Every husband should desire that his wife know that there is no other woman alive who could be the companion, friend, and lover she is for him. Consequently, a wise and caring husband s goal MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 23 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 23

28 should be to avoid talking about other women, ogling other women, asking his wife why she no longer looks like the 20-something model who just crossed their path, or doing anything else that makes his wife wonder where his loyalties lie. A loving husband should want his wife to know that he places her interests and wellbeing above his own. Thus, every husband s goal should be to make sure his wife feels safe, secure, provided for, and cherished before he spends time and money on things that he desires, whether this involves his hobbies or just his personal wish list. Godly husbands want their wives to know that what their wives say and feel is important to them as husbands. Therefore, husbands should make time on a daily basis to ask their wives how the day went, show real interest in their spouses activities by asking questions without interrupting, and really listen rather than muttering an occasional Uh huh. Furthermore, godly husbands should acknowledge their wives feelings on any issue even if the issue s importance is minor or trivial to them, or if the issue is at odds with their personal beliefs or understanding. Loving their wives as Christ loved the church means doing all they can (and then some) when their wives feel hurt, lonely, or unappreciated. It means exhibiting a peace that radiates patience, tenderness and kindness when their wives demonstrate impatience with them, or fear, regardless of the circumstances. It means demonstrating a level of faithfulness and gentleness when a husband feels his wife is not giving him the respect he thinks he deserves as her husband, or when he feels unappreciated or angry. In addition, Christian love means confessing his sins to his wife, manifesting a godly sorrow for his sins that produces genuine repentance (II Corinthians 7:10), and humbly asking for her forgiveness. This is what God expects of husbands. It does not sound unfair or unfamiliar to men who have already decided to follow in the steps of Jesus. Such men are already committed to being servants rather than bullies who order their wives around. To the wives, Paul said the way they respond to such love from their husbands is to respect them for taking the extra responsibility of loving so sacrificially. Christians may argue about the meaning of wives submitting to their husbands in everything (verse 24), but one thing is certain. When husbands demonstrate the sacrificial love of Christ in their marriages, wives tend to reciprocate with a heartfelt respect for their husbands in their actions and reactions. One wife powerfully explained this concept when she said, I know very few wives who don t 24 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 24

29 want to treat their husbands this way from the depths of their hearts whenever a husband treats his wife as God intended. Wives tend to be the ones who want to work on their marriages. Men tend to fight the notion or ignore their wives pleas for relational growth. In view of what God expects from each spouse, it is the husbands who should be saying, Sweetheart, we need to constantly improve our relationship with each other. Which area would you like to start on first, and how? In other words, each husband should serve his wife as Christ served the church. In response, each wife should respect her husband in everything. But what does it mean in practical application for wives to respect their husbands in everything? Consider the following scenarios. If a husband seeks to do what is beneficial for his wife in a particular situation but his follow-through is not the way she would have preferred, is it respectful to say, You never care about my feelings? Is there a more respectful way to help him better understand how his wife wishes to be treated? Or suppose a husband took a biblically correct but unpopular position at church regarding a situation. Is it respectful for his wife to criticize his stand either publicly or privately just because some of her friends at church begin to avoid her due to her husband s position? Perhaps a husband fails to demonstrate the proper example in a particular situation, recognizes the error of his way, and humbly seeks forgiveness from his wife for his actions. Is it respectful for his wife to respond to his humility and contriteness by saying, You re never going to be the man of God my father was? On the other hand, when a wife responds respectfully to her husband s attempts to be a man of God, she brings honor to him and he loves her as himself. When both of these occur, they discover the joy God intended all married couples to experience. MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 25 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 25

30 Points to Remember A husband must love his wife as Christ loved the church, meaning he must be willing to give up his life for her if necessary. Wives are to respect their husbands for taking the extra responsibility of loving them so sacrificially. A husband should seek to elevate his own wife to a state of blameless radiance in his eyes and in the eyes of all who know her. Every wife should respect her husband in everything. Every husband should love his wife with the same degree of love he reserves for his own body. When you come to class, your class leaders will divide you into small groups separated by genders to discuss the following questions. It is essential that you write your answers to the following questions before you come to class. Without this work outside of class, you will not have time in class to adequately answer each question, so do whatever it takes to answer your questions beforehand. Have a great class discussion! 26 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 26

31 Lesson 2 Discussion Questions for Men s Groups Write answers to these five question BEFORE coming to class. 1. What, if anything, do we need to improve regarding our thoughts or actions to better see our wives as holy, radiant, stainless, and blameless - as Christ does His church? 2. What is it about the way we love, respect, pamper, honor, esteem, value, and protect our own bodies that we might need to better apply toward our wives? 3. What are some concrete, specific actions we could begin doing immediately to make our wives know that what they say to us is important? MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 27 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 27

32 4. What are the things our wives would probably tell us we need to work on most to demonstrate a selfless love for them? 5. What one thing could our wives do to best convey their love to us based on Ephesians 5:33? (Discuss this question with your spouse before coming to class.) 28 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 28

33 Write the responses from your small group discussion DURING class that speak to you. Be prepared to share the best response to all five questions in 2 minutes or less if called upon. 1. What, if anything, do we need to improve regarding our thoughts or actions to better see our wives as holy, radiant, stainless, and blameless - as Christ does His church? 2. What is it about the way we love, respect, pamper, honor, esteem, value, and protect our own bodies that we might need to better apply toward our wives? 3. What are some concrete, specific actions we could begin doing immediately to make our wives know that what they say to us is important? MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 29 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 29

34 4. What are the things our wives would probably tell us we need to work on most to demonstrate a selfless love for them? 5. What one thing could our wives do to best convey their love to us based on Ephesians 5:33? 30 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 30

35 Lesson 2 Discussion Questions for Women s Groups Write answers to these five questions BEFORE coming to class. 1. What might we need to do to make ourselves even more willing and able to respect our husbands? 2. What might we need to change or improve in terms of our actions to make ourselves more able to respect our husbands? 3. What might we need to change or improve to enable our husbands to trust our judgments more? MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 31 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 31

36 4. What are our greatest challenges in respecting our husbands? 5. What one thing could our husbands do better to convey their love to us based on Ephesians 5:33? (Discuss this question with your spouse before coming to class.) 32 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 32

37 Write the responses from your small group discussion DURING class that speak to you. Be prepared to share the best response to all five questions in 2 minutes or less if called upon. 1. What might we need to do to make ourselves even more willing and able to respect our husbands? 2. What might we need to change or improve in terms of our actions to make ourselves more able to respect our husbands? 3. What might we need to change or improve to enable our husbands to trust our judgments more? MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 33 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 33

38 4. What are our greatest challenges in respecting our husbands? 5. What one thing could our husbands do better to convey their love to us based on Ephesians 5:33? 34 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 34

39 Central Themes As you listen to each group report, write below the central thoughts you hear repeated by a number of groups. By writing them, you keep a record of the main themes for your own reference and future reflection. MARRIAGE by THE BOOK 35 mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 35

40 Personal Commitment Time The one action I will take this next week to develop a deeper love for my spouse (or spouse-tobe) as God defines love is to: 36 Family Dynamics Institute mbtb-student_2013_v3.indd 36