HELPING YOU THROUGH BEREAVEMENT

Transcription

1 HELPING YOU THROUGH BEREAVEMENT Origination: Pathology (CH) 2005 PC H&SSD No. 568

2 INDEX Introduction 1 Immediately after death 2 Registering a death 2 Arranging a funeral 3 How to arrange a viewing 3 What could delay a funeral? 4-5 When someone dies at home 5 Support in the early days 6 Letting others know 6 Grief 7-8 Physical experiences 9 The funeral 9 Looking after yourself 9-10 Helping children through bereavement 10 Looking to the future 11 Remembering 11 List of Funeral Directors 11 Useful telephone numbers 12 Cover: Fauxquets Valley, Guernsey.

3 We hope you find this booklet helpful at this sad time and would appreciate any comments you may have which could help others during bereavement. Acknowledgements Bereavement Help the Aged (March 2002) Bereavement Support Service Barnsley Hospice Coping practically when someone dies (Cancer Research UK) Health and Social Services Department Corporate Headquarters Le Vauquiedor St Andrews GY6 8TW July 2005

4 INTRODUCTION Whether expected or sudden, the death of someone close to you is one of the most difficult and traumatic periods in one s life. The process of bereavement is a personal matter as only you can feel the void left by the death of someone close to you. People cope differently during this painful period and friends and family are indispensable for offering support. We hope this booklet will provide some practical help as an additional support during this period. 1

5 WHAT TO DO IMMEDIATELY AFTER DEATH If your relative or friend dies in hospital, the medical and nursing staff will give you initial support and may be able to advise on practical matters such as: 1) When you can see your friend or relative either in a private room, in the hospital chapel of rest or funeral home. 2) Whether there are special religious needs to be observed. 3) Whether there is going to be a post mortem or not. 4) If there are valuables to collect from the ward. This can be very difficult for you especially if you have been visiting your friend or relative on the ward before they passed away. The staff will be aware of your feelings and will be supportive. REGISTERING THE DEATH To enable you to proceed with the funeral arrangements, the death must be registered with HM Greffier. The doctor looking after your relative or friend will write a Death Certificate usually within hours. The Death Certificate specifies the cause of death and this is handed to the Funeral Director of your choice who will register the death on your behalf. 2

6 ARRANGING THE FUNERAL The staff who work in the Health and Social Services Department s hospitals are impartial and will not recommend one Funeral Director in preference to another. However, the names of all Funeral Directors and their telephone numbers are listed at the back of this booklet for you to make your choice. Discussions with friends and relatives may assist in choosing the Funeral Director appropriate to your needs. Funeral Directors offer both cremation and burial services, and whoever you choose will provide you with the necessary information including the cost of the funeral. The Funeral Directors will also advise on repatriation outside the island. HOW TO ARRANGE FOR A VIEWING Spending time with the person who has died may help in accepting the reality of their death and forms part of saying goodbye. Some people find they wish to retain memories of their loved ones as they were before. Either way, follow the most acceptable way to cope with your grief. Viewing can be carried out at the Hospital Chapel of Rest or Funeral Home. To arrange a viewing at the hospital ring extension Weekend viewing may occasionally be accommodated if required. 3

7 WHAT COULD DELAY A FUNERAL? 1) If the cause of death is not known - In most cases the doctor who was looking after your relative or friend would be able to write a death certificate if the cause of death is known. If the cause of death is not clear the death will be referred to HM Procureur (equivalent to a Coroner) who will authorise a post mortem. When the death is referred to HM Procureur your permission (consent) is not required because the post mortem is essential to find the cause of death. We hope you would also wish to know why someone close to you died. 2) If the death occurred after an operation or at home Again the death will be reported to HM Procureur and may require an inquest to investigate why the person died. However, this does not suggest the cause of death was due to negligence. 3) Other unnatural deaths such as a road traffic accident and deliberately taking one s life would also require a post mortem and inquest. 4) Hospital post mortem This is a post mortem where the doctors know the cause of death but would wish to assess the effects of treatment, which would benefit other patients. This type of post mortem is only carried out with your written consent and reassurance that the deceased did not object to a post mortem examination. The doctor requesting the post mortem will discuss the consent form with you. 4

8 5) Donation of tissue and organs for transplant and research - This is only carried out when it can be proved there is no objection from you and that these were the wishes of the deceased. Tissues such as eyes and heart valves can be used for transplantation for the benefit of others and the exclusion criteria are minimal. If you wish that others may benefit from your loss please contact the pathologist who will discuss the matter with you. Although the above are listed as factors which may delay the funeral, the pathologist and the mortuary staff will do their best to expedite the post mortem process to avoid undue delay to the funeral. WHEN SOMEONE DIES AT HOME If you are caring for a relative or friend at home when they die: 1) Contact your doctor who will support you and will issue a death certificate. 2) Contact a Funeral Director of your choice who will take care of your relative or friend and will help you to make arrangements for the funeral. 3) If death is sudden and unexpected dial 999 for an ambulance. If there is any suspicion that the cause of death is unnatural, the Police will be informed and their role is to exclude suspicious circumstances. There are trained police officers who will sensitively inform you of the procedures, and whether a post mortem is required or not. 5

9 SUPPORT IN THE EARLY DAYS 1) Your doctor (GP) 2) Community Nurse 3) Bereavement Counselling Service ) Samaritans ) Pastoral Services LETTING OTHERS KNOW ABOUT YOUR LOSS Telling people about your loss can be difficult and emotionally tiring. If you do not feel like doing this yourself ask a friend or another member of the family to help you. The following may need to be advised: Family & friends Work colleagues and employer Place of worship Family doctor Bank & credit card companies Mortgage, insurance companies Utility companies gas, electricity, telephone and water Landlord Passport office Advocates/Solicitors Relevant states departments Cancel any social services e.g. home help, meals on wheels, community nurses. 6

10 GRIEF Grief is a personal feeling and affects people differently. There is no specified length of time of how long one can expect to grieve for your loved one. Do not suppress the need to cry as this helps to release emotional stress. The following responses may be experienced during normal grief:- Shock This is a sensation of numbness or disbelief due to overwhelming emotions. Although, shock is worse with unexpected death, this can also occur with an expected death. Anger You may feel angry and frustrated that nothing could be done to save your loved one, even with the best medical care; injustices of your loss; anger at the lack of understanding of others; anger at the person who died for making you experience the painful feelings, you feel abandoned or frightened or alone. These feelings are normal and we hope you can overcome your anger in a way, which will not harm yourself or others. Do not bottle up your anger and think through the reasons why you feel this way. It can help to talk about your feelings with someone not involved in your loss. 7

11 Fear and Anxiety This is natural as your loss has turned your normal world upside down. You may feel out of control, which will make you feel more vulnerable and afraid. You may also be afraid of practical matters such as money. It is helpful to get practical advice. Sadness Most common feeling not necessarily expressed by crying. Emptiness and depression Feelings of depression and emptiness can affect you when you realise that the person who has died will not come back. This feeling may be unbearable at the time but afterwards people feel better and in control of their lives. However, if the feelings of depression do not resolve on their own and life seems to be an endless struggle, seek help from your doctor. You can also talk to the Samaritans day or night on Mixed feelings It is usual to have mixed feelings when someone dies. You may wish you had made a different decision relating to the person who died. Mixed feelings of regret, guilt or anger are not easy to deal with, especially when death occurs following a difficult relationship. Be realistic and try and accept the past for what it is. Try and think about the positive and good times. Do not be too hard on yourself or other people. No-one is perfect and most people try to do their best with the situation they are in. With time you will move towards a fruitful future. 8

12 PHYSICAL SENSATION YOU MAY EXPERIENCE Hollowness in the stomach/knot in the stomach. Tightness in the chest. Tightness in the throat/lump in the throat/dry throat. Over sensitivity or feeling edgy. Breathlessness/feeling short of breath. Weakness in muscles. Lack of energy or restlessness. Dry mouth. The above may be associated with lack of sleep, disturbed sleep or lack of appetite. THE FUNERAL The funeral is a time to say goodbye to the person who died or celebrate their life with the support of family and friends. Grief is shared at a funeral. Do not be afraid to cry or to accept offers of help. Your Funeral Director will assist you in preparing your requirements or wishes. LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF It can take a long time for you to get back to anything near normal after the shock of a bereavement. It is important to look after yourself, eat properly and get plenty of rest while you are going through the extreme emotions of grief. Avoid making important decisions while you are still in a state of shock. For example do not rush to move house while you are still grieving, which you may regret later. 9

13 Try not to hurry the healing process, take it at your own pace. Try not to hide your feelings, talk about the person you lost with your family, a close friend or sympathetic group. And if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, but have no-one to turn to, get in touch with the Bereavement Counselling Service on or the Samaritans on HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH BEREAVEMENT Being open and honest is best with children as reality is easier to manage than fantasy. Try not to use phrases like granny has gone to sleep or we have lost daddy, as these can be confused with every day occurrences and may lead to fears about going to sleep. Use straight forward words like dead and dying. Give them the choice to see the dead person and attend the funeral and explain what to expect. Be prepared to listen to a child s thoughts, beliefs and fears, taking into consideration any faith or beliefs of the family. Do not be afraid to cry in front of children, this will let them know it is all right to cry they will probably give you a hug. Comfort them, be there for them any time to give them a hug. Locally Sunflower Trust provides support with children and will give you advice on how to support them. (Telephone ). 10

14 LOOKING TO THE FUTURE It takes time to regain your confidence after you lose someone you love. It is important to look forward, however difficult this may be. It can be a struggle, but it is worth spending time with other people, to keep in touch with friends and family, to have a holiday or volunteer to help out for a good cause. REMEMBERING Do not stop talking about the person who has died, children will probably still talk and ask questions about them. Encourage this but do not force it. Look at photographs and remember the things you did together. LIST OF FUNERAL DIRECTORS (not in order of preference) Andrew Palmer & Son Ltd ( ) Argent Funeral Services Ltd Beckford s Funeral Services Ltd Martels Funeral Services Ltd Noyon s Funeral Services

15 OTHER IMPORTANT NUMBERS Princess Elizabeth Hospital To arrange a viewing Ext Samaritans Bereavement Counselling Sunflower Trust Pathologist Pastoral Service Police , (999 emergency) Ambulance , (999 emergency) HM Procureur/Comptroller

16 July 2005