THE THEOLOGY AND PRACTICE OF ADOPTION: Adoption Parenting (Week 5)

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1 THE THEOLOGY AND PRACTICE OF ADOPTION: Adoption Parenting (Week 5) INTRODUCTION Welcome to week 5 of our class on adoption. Next week we ll be concluding with a panel discussion on adoption. This morning we are going to talk about adoption parenting. BIBLICAL THEOLOGY OF PARENTING Let s begin with a very brief biblical theology of parenting. There are certainly some differences in the way we would want to parent children who come into our families through adoption or foster care, but because this is the same for all children whether they ve been adopted or fostered or not. Before we talk about parenting children who come into our families through adoption or foster care, let s talk about parenting in general. While we might need to parent some children Children are human beings created in the image of God. Christianity is rather unique in the high view it has of children. Christians have always believed that children have great worth as human beings created in the image of God. They aren t just defective adults. They are themselves reflections of God s glory. Jesus himself teaches us how to view children. Matthew 19: Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, 14 but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." 15 And he laid his hands on them and went away. Children are a great blessing. The Bible is consistent in its view of children. Unlike so many people in our culture, the biblical authors viewed children as a blessing to their parents. So Psalm 127 is typical in its celebration of children:

2 Psalm 127:3-5a 3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. 5 Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! Parenting that views children as an imposition or inconvenience isn t biblical parenting. Children are a heritage from the LORD. Children have fallen natures. Rather surprisingly, this is controversial. Most people would tell you that people and particularly children are basically good. G.K. Chesterton is a good guide in this respect; in his book Orthodoxy he famously wrote, Certain new theologians dispute original sin, which is the only part of Christian theology which can really be proved. We just have to look around us to realize that sin is pervasive. You don t have to be a parent for very long to learn that children like all people are sinners. Proverbs 22:15 tells us that folly is bound up in the heart of a child. We come into this world with a sinful, rebellious nature. It won t do to simply be positive all the time or focus on self-esteem parents must address this sin in their children head on. So given what we ve said about children, what are the goals of parenting? Christian parents certainly need to provide for the material needs of their children. They also need to train their children to be well-behaved, productive citizens. So we need to teach kids how to tie their shoes and not commit arson. Those are not small matters. But for Christian parents, we must say that the most important thing we need to do is evangelize our children. Kids do not become Christians by being born or adopted into Christian homes. They become Christians through hearing the gospel and believing it. So we want to the value of children to be evident in our parenting. We want to treat them with respect as individuals who are precious in God s sight. We want to love them and recognize them as a blessing from God. But we also want to work on the sin in their heart. We want to see them come to faith in Christ and grow in putting sin to death.

3 These are truths for any Christian parent. There are some particular ways we want to apply these truths as we seek to parent children who come from difficult backgrounds. BACK TO THE START I want to share a few realistic scenarios about children from Karyn Purvis excellent book The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family. In the orphanage, baby Donnie has the crib farthest away from the nursery door. He lies in soiled diapers for hours at a time and is the last baby fed by the attendant. Left untouched and underfed, he does little but stare at the sterile walls and ceiling. The back of his head has become flattened from remaining in that position so long. Five-year old Gloria is pretty, with wide brown eyes, a pouting mouth, and long dark hair. She catches the attention of two orphanage attendants, a mail and a female They lure the little girl with kindness and teach her how to gratify them sexually. Gloria learns that [that] is the way to earn attention, affection, and food. Little Rick doesn t understand why his father can turn mean sometimes. But when he does, his dad smells funny and hurts people Sometimes the boy hears screaming in the other room and knows that his sister is getting hurt, too, but he is too small and scared to help. Not all children have these kinds of experiences, although many do. But all children who are eligible for adoption or foster care have experienced some kind of trauma and loss. What are some ways we would want to parent children differently whose beginnings were marked by trauma or loss? Let me start with some general comments before I get into some specific recommendations. First, be willing to adapt your parenting style. Some adoptive parents refuse to change their lifestyles or approach to parenting at all for adoption. Maybe they

4 are already parents and think their approach is fine. Maybe they have ideological commitments about how to parent. If you re adopting or fostering an at-risk child you have to be willing to adapt in order to meet their needs. So you might need to rethink your approach to discipline, you might need to rethink the timing of bringing future children into the family, you might need to say no to a job or a relocation. Second, be willing to get help. All parents need help. We re not really meant to do this whole parenting thing alone. But adoptive and foster parents need more help than most. Start looking for resources and people who can help you parent your children wisely and compassionately. You ll probably need accountability and encouragement, as well as practical advice. If you ve not yet begun the process of adopting or fostering, you can get ahead of the game by starting to learn about these things now. Third, realize that your child may not attach immediately or easily. If you conceive a child, you ll have nine months to get used to each other before the big introduction. At birth, there are a whole host of verbal, tactile, and hormonal factors that help a child and his parents attach. Adoptive families don t have these advantages. The attachment which often comes very naturally and easily for a child you or your wife gives birth won t come automatically. That doesn t mean that the bond which eventually forms will necessarily be weaker. It does mean that you ll need to be intentional and work hard to form it. I ll share some ideas in a moment about how to form that bond. But realize you ll need to do it. Fourth, trust in God. Okay, this one isn t unique to adoptive or foster parents. All parents need to trust God in their parenting. But adoptive and foster parents need this reminder. Parenting at-risk or special needs kids is challenging and frustrating. It can be easy to boil over or want to give up. Remember the power of the gospel to transform sinful men and women, boys and girls. God can heal bodies, repair broken hearts, and strengthen families. Any questions or comments? Let me move on now and talk about a few practical issues. We ll talk about attachment

5 WORKING ON ATTACHMENT [Brad, I ll let you fill this in] DISCIPLINE One question that comes up often for couples thinking about adopting has to do with discipline. If you pursue adoption or foster care, it s quite likely that the social worker conducting your home study will ask you what your plans are for discipline. So you need to think about how you ll answer that question even before you begin the homestudy. To boil it down, do you spank or not? My recommendation is that you not use corporal punishment on a child new to your family. Let me explain my thinking on this point. Think back to the three stories we told of children who had suffered various kinds of abuse and neglect early in life. Now think about what your home is like. If you spank a child that has always been in your family and has never experienced abuse or trauma, it is quite likely that your child will understand your loving intent. They won t like the discipline, but they won t doubt your love or concern for them. That context of unwavering love and support allows the child to understand the discipline, including spanking, as something done for their good. Now imagine a child with a history of trauma. They won t likely interpret corporal punishment the same way. They don t have the firm attachment and context of love and permanence. They might think it is no different than the abuse they ve suffered. That is I know what you re probably thinking. Doesn t the Bible command us to use corporal punishment on our children? Well, let s look at the biblical texts in question. The most important are in Proverbs. Proverbs 13:24 24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. Proverbs 22:15 15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

6 Proverbs 23: Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. 14 If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. So there it is Proverbs teaching us to use the rod to discipline our children. As we read these texts, it s important to keep in mind their genre. One of the most important things we can do when interpreting the Bible is ask, What genre is this? Proverbs is a genre we call Wisdom Literature. Wisdom literature gives us generally true principles to order our lives by, not absolute commands or promises. We re to take the proverbs in the Book of Proverbs and thoughtfully put them to work in our lives. In this case, I think the right application of this text is to say that we must faithfully discipline our children for the good of their souls. The exact mode of discipline doesn t seem to be so much the point. For children who aren t attached or who have been victims of abuse, even the most loving corporal punishment may be counterproductive. That doesn t mean that we have to use the same discipline strategies in year one that we use in year five. But I think we do need to be flexible and ask, What discipline strategies are most likely to drive folly out of the heart of my child? Any questions on this point? DEALING WITH QUESTIONS As children who have been adopted get older, many begin to ask questions about their origins and their birthparents. Some children who have been adopted don t want to investigate their history much, but others very much want to learn all they can and even get to know their birthparents if possible. Even with very young children, we need to know how much to share about a child s past and when to share it. CONCLUSION

7 Adoptive and foster parenting is a challenge as is all parenting but it isn t impossible. By the grace of God, we can all change and grow. Just as God took rebels and made them his children, he can take strangers and make a new family out of them. We need to work hard and think about this kind of parenting, but we can trust him as well. Brad, are there other big practical issues that come to mind? I m sure you ll have more thoughts. I thought attachment is the big one. I had a few other ideas for topics that might be worth talking about : Dealing With Fear Parenting Other Children (children already in home at time of adoption) Dealing with Family Members Anything else you might think..