Imago relationship therapy and Christian marriage counseling

Transcription

1 Imago relationship therapy and Christian marriage counseling By JACOBUS HARMS DE KLERK Dissertation Presented as partial fulfillment for the degree MA (THEOLOGIAE) In PRACTICAL THEOLOGY AT THE THEOLOGY SEMINARY AUCKLAND PARK AND THE RAND AFRIKAANS UNIVERSITY Faculty of Arts Department Biblical and Religious Studies Supervisor: Prof. W. J. Hattingh Co-supervisor: Prof. H. Viviers Student Registration number :

2 Summary Marriage it seems has always been a key element in the family systems of the western world. The joining of two people of the opposite sex in a unity bond, with the purpose of creating a system to produce children and bring them to adulthood. These marriage bonds usually start with a romantic love affair between the partners that lead to a permanent joining in some form of marriage. It is these long term bonds that seem to suffer from endless pursuits to find a way to be joined for a lifetime. In most of the western world the divorce rate between couples average fifty pe People from all walks of life seem to suffer the same fate and Christians specifically do not seem to indicate a higher rate of marital success. The faith and biblical principals Christians adhere to is a strong motivator to keep people together but does not have all the practical answers for the co-habitation of to individuals in a long term relationship. Christian marriage counseling possess several unique traits that enhances their counseling processes but does not indicate to have a significant higher success rate than an other form of marital counseling. Imago relationship therapy is an approach to relationship counseling that offers some new ideas and methods. It combines several principals from different psychological therapeutic approaches into a unique relational approach. Based on the belief that the relationship is a systemic it approaches the couple as a unity and all therapy is done with both partners present. The approach uses several practical exercises to foster emotional connection between the partners and teach them new relational and communication skills. This approach indicates a high success rate and seems to seamlessly flow with normal Christian counselling. The principals of Christian marriage counseling can be enhanced and put into practice by using the imago techniques. It is deducted that Imago relationship therapy can easily be integrated into a Christian marriage counseling approach and produce good results 2

3 OUTLINE OF CHAPTERS 1. PROBLEM STATEMENT, MOTIVATION FOR STUDY AND RESEARCH METHODS 1.1 Problem statement and motivation for study 1.2 Research methods 1.3 The structure of the study 2. THE IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY MODEL 2.1 The character and philosophy of Imago Relationship Therapy 2.2 The counseling aims of IRT 2.3 The power struggle 2.4 The building of an Imago 2.5 The theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy 2.6 The importance of regressive work and the implementation thereof in Imago Relationship Therapy 2.7 The concept of a marriage space between the couple 2.8 The role of the Therapist in IRT 2.9 The processes of Imago Relationship Therapy 2.10 Couples Workshops 2.11 The effectiveness of IRT 3. CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING 3.1 The character of Christian marriage counseling 3.2 Understanding marriage from a Christian perspective 3.3 What makes a happy marriage according to the Christian perspective 3.4 The reasons for marriage problems from a Christian perspective 3.5 The methods used in Christian marriage counseling 3.6 The role of the Pastor in Christian marriage Counseling 3.7 The problems of Christian marriage counseling 3.8 Tension Issues between biblical values and directives, and modern marriage perceptions in Christian marriage counseling 3

4 4. THE INTERACTION BETWEEN IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY AND CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING 4.1 How do the aims of IRT blend with the aims of Christian marriage counseling? 4.2 Departure points 4.3 Notable differences between IRT and Christian marriage counseling 4.4 Areas of harmony and enhancement 4.5 The dynamics of being one In Christ in marriage and facilitating personal growth 4.6 Interaction between IRT and Christian Marriage counselling with regard to personal growth 4.7 The role of the Pastor as Christian counselor and IRT 4.8 Conclusion 5 APPLICATION OF IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY IN A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING PRACTICE 5.2 Introduction 5.3 IRT and Spiritual ministry 5.4 Communication as prerequisite 5.5 The role of the Pastor or Counselor in the use of IRT 5.6 Guidelines for the use of IRT in Christian counseling 5.7 Cases where IRT may not be effective 5.8 Conclusion 6. CONCLUSIONS AND SUMMARY 6.1 Introduction 6.2 Observations 6.3 Conclusions with regards to the use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling 6.4 Recommendations for future study REFERENCES Addendum - Case studies 4

5 Chapter 1 PROBLEM STATEMENT, MOTIVATION FOR STUDY AND RESEARCH METHOD 1.1 RESEARCH PROBLEM AND MOTIVATION FOR STUDY A family, based on a marriage between two heterosexual people that produces children in a family setting, is held in Christian circles as the norm and ideal. This may be especially true of the Christian cultures of the western world. The communities of our day however, are experiencing a period of constant change with the dawn of the Post-modern generation where all things are perceived as relative and changeable. It seems that this has in recent times also affected the institution of the marriage, and that alternative structures of relationship and family set-ups are becoming more socially acceptable in the traditional Western Christian settings. It seems as if the traditional view of the sacredness of marriage has become negotiable and relative in today s world. This is supported by the views expressed by Matthews and Hubbard. They concluded that in the present culture having possessions is being more highly valued than being in relationship and living in community. Furthermore they say that at some very prestigious academic institutions like Harvard and Yale, traditional Christian values are being rejected. Many distinguished academic, professional, and religious leaders have recently identified themselves specifically as advocates of alternative forms of family relationships, affirming marriage as only one of several acceptable options for family life (Matthews & Hubbard, 2004:35). Today the terms single parent families and re-assembled families are frequently used to refer to modern-day families, because divorce has become an acceptable solution for marriages that do not find harmony and happiness. This has resulted in a 5

6 community in South Africa, where divorced families are becoming socially more acceptable. In our post-christian world, the patterns of thinking and living that characterize the emerging culture carry the stamp of post-modern influence. This indicates that the value of the individual and his own needs for gratification is being put above all other values. The institution of marriage therefore is also considered to be in service of the individual. (Matthews & Hubbard 2004:35-40). The church is facing a crisis in that it seems that dedication to Christian norms and values do not offer a guarantee against relationship failure. It also seems that a true belief in Jesus Christ and a conversion to the Christian faith is not an automatic safeguard against the factors that destroy families. This is evident from the high statistics of divorce among Christians. All indications are that the divorce rate among Christians is not significantly different from any other group (Matthews & Hubbard 2004:34). Practical experience in the field seems to indicate that even a high percentage of members of the Clergy are battling to make their marriages survive. A further complicating factor is identified: not all answers to modern-day marriage challenges can be derived and fully addressed from the Bible. The question needs to be asked whether the bible can serve as a marriage counsellor s guide book. Christians also generally presume a working knowledge of Christian marriage and an understanding of Biblical references about marriage that in reality falls far short of the mark (Matthews & Hubbard 2004:153). Adding to this problem is the cultural change in society brought about by the emancipation of women. With the emancipation of women, families have moved out of the traditional patriarchal system of family structuring, to a marriage of equals. This means that we have moved from, traditionally arranged marriages for the 6

7 purpose of order and provision, into marriages of choice between consenting partners. This is confirmed by Matthews and Hubbard (2004: ). These marriages, based on romantic love and personal need can be inherently unstable and may have turned sour because of disillusionment and conflict (Brown 1999). These circumstances have resulted in a situation in our society, in which God s original design of family structure is being amended. His original plan (as understood in Western Christian circles), which will create a secure environment for the marriage partners to find love and acceptance, in which children can thrive, is now disappearing. This general break-up of traditional family structures, is negative to the community, and hampers the growth and stability of the next generation. Practical experience when working with divorcing couples indicates that, when marriage break-up happens to Christian families, it also creates questions around their faith, beliefs and values. Indications are that divorce between Christians can influence the individuals relationship with God and result in a distancing and sometimes a divorce from God. 1.2 RESEARCH PROBLEM AND OBJECTIVES It appears that the church, the clergy and Christian counsellors face the same difficulties in marriages as those faced by non-christians. This emanates from the experience of Christian marriage counsellors and the high divorce rate among believers. This also seems to indicate that a belief in Jesus Christ, and the adherence to biblical and Christian values, does not necessarily guarantee that the person will be able to build a happy and strong relationship with someone in a marriage relationship. The identification of the problem is that, although a relationship needs to be based on values and beliefs, it also needs personal and relational skills in order to build a happy 7

8 marriage. It is assumed that the tools needed to make a marriage happy, might be contemporary and culturally bound, and should be acquired and learned. These skills might not all be available and easily extracted from the Bible, and might not necessarily be a result from normal Christian marriage counseling.. Christian marriage counselling, as it is termed, does not claim to be more effective than any other method of counseling. The problem therefore is that our methods of application seem not to be able to harness to power of God in such a way as to make Christian counseling more effective than other forms of counselling. The subject area to be investigated is to see whether it is possible to enhance Christian marriage counseling by means of the use of another model to facilitate a greater effectiveness. This study will endeavour to examine the use of a model that will help a couple to develop the necessary relational and personal skills needed to build a happy and fulfilling Christian marriage relationship. 1.3 RESEARCH METHOD A brief literature study of the Imago Relationship Therapy model ( IRT) will be done to give an overview of the values, methods and aims of Imago Relationship Therapy. This study will be motivated, with reference to specific case studies from publications and from the writer s personal relationship/counseling practice. The character of Christian marriage Counseling as practised in Christian circles today will be explained with reference to its problems and shortcomings. The writer will endeavour to establish whether IRT is a usable model in Christian marriage counseling with reference to possible problems and limitations. He will conclude with general guidelines, and comments, with reference to usable methods. 8

9 1.4 THE STRUCTURE OF THE STUDY Chapter two focuses on IRT to show its contemporary style and eclectic use of different strengths derived from the various approaches in psychology. IRT will be explained so that the reader will understand the importance of establishing a connection between the couple in therapy and thereby creating a healing environment for the individual as well as for the relationship. Chapter three will focus on the character of Christian marriage counseling as practised today. Specific problems and shortcomings as experienced by therapists will be highlighted. Some areas of conflict between contemporary views on marriage and biblical values will be addressed. The study will look at the problem issues between biblical values and directives, and modern marriage perceptions within the context of Christian marriage counseling. The views concerning the role of a wife in marriage, will receive attention in this chapter to show the dilemma we face with the move to modern-day relationship and family structures. Attention will be given to the biblical directives concerning marriage and relationships and whether they are models or values. Chapter four will focus on the interaction between IRT and Christian marriage counseling, and look at possible differences and/or similarities between the two. This will be done in order to establish whether IRT has sufficient harmonies with biblical values to be used in Christian marriage counseling. Chapter five will be dedicated to the application of IRT in Christian marriage counseling. Attention will be given to usable techniques and their aims in counseling with reference to what biblical values would be emphasized by using that technique. 9

10 Some case studies will be added to highlight and motivate the principles and aims of therapy. This should help the Christian counselor to evaluate if IRT can be used to create a healing environment in the marriage, and which methods he/she can use to achieve certain counseling goals. The end goal will be to establish if the IRT model is a usable model in Christian marriage counseling. Chapter six will be dedicated to conclusions and a summary of the study. Certain recommendations and possible future study will be indicated. This study will use the English spelling rules in US format and the Harvard reference method as per Kilian (1989). 10

11 Chapter 2 THE IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY MODEL 2.1 The character and philosophy of Imago Relationship Therapy Imago is best described by Luquet and Hannah (1998:13): Imago Relationship Therapy is a relational paradigm approach that is designed to increase couple communication, correct developmental arrests, heal wounds from childhood, and promote differentiation of the partners, while restoring the connection between them. Luquet and Hendrix (1998) add that Imago is a relational model of couple therapy that utilizes behavioral, affective, and cognitive interventions to facilitate understanding and change within the dyad. The purpose of IRT is to restore the original spiritual and emotional connection between the partners as individuals to create a new purpose for the marriage. The aim is to create a healing environment or living space in which each partner can heal from his/her needs that have not been met (unmet needs) and feelings of neglect and worthlessness. IRT uses a set of communication tools built around the basic Couple s dialogue technique, to create a new way of communication between the partners. 2.2 The counseling aims of Imago Relationship Therapy IRT processes recreate the connection that was lost in childhood between the person and his/ her caretakers, one that became severed again in the couple s power struggle. Luquet and Hannah (1998:16) state that IRT guides the couple in using the partnership as a resource for healing, problem solving and growth, enabling greater personal fulfillment as the partners deepen their connection. The main focus is to create a healing connection. This becomes possible only when there is enough emotional safety between the partners. To create this safety, the damaging, bruising and degrading habits must be removed from the relationship. 11

12 One of the main differences between Imago and other approaches to therapy, is that IRT sees the couple, rather than the pathology of the individual as the centre and the client. The essence of how Imago sees relationship and the individual therein is probably best illustrated by the word of Harville Hendrix: Imago therapists operate from the assumption that when connection is restored and stabilized, what appears to be individual or systemic pathology disappears. They believe that the therapeutic method that achieves this healing is a dialogue process that enables the couple to break their symbiotic fusion, differentiate as separate selves, drop their projections, and connect with the subjective reality of each other (Harville Hendrix in Brown, R 1999:XI). Brown (1991:18) describes Imago as: The heart of Imago therapy is helping couples learn to safely connect to each other and have more empathy for one another s pain through the specific intentional tool the couple s dialogue. Hannah M.T. et al, (1997) state, that the healing is achieved in part by creating empathy for each other s woundedness, and that IRT also includes psychoeducational processes designed to facilitate a paradigm shift, which enables couples to view their relationship from a new and more positive perspective. This is done through short lectures in combination with the IRT techniques. The counseling aims of IRT focus on changing the relationship between the partners to an environment where healing can take place for the individual. This healing occurs through the connection and empathy between them, when they see each other s pain. 2.3 The Power-struggle The power-struggle refers to the unique unconscious process within every couple where one or both of the partners fight to get their unmet needs and longings fulfilled. Because most of these unmet needs come from childhood they are unconscious and are usually not cognitively known to either of the partners. 12

13 The power-struggle usually consists of one or both partners accusing the other of doing things that hurt him or her, or accusing the other of not doing the things necessary for the relationship. The Power-struggle is therefore a pattern of recurring actions and re-actions in the relationship driven by the unconscious cry of each partner s unmet and unknown desires. Luquet and Hendrix (1998) describe this as a process where each partner is seeking to be understood by the other. The partners get frustrated because the other is also suffering from the same competing wounds. This prevents them from seeing the other, but leads them into a self-absorbed state, where they start to focus on themselves and begin to generate cognitive distortions and ideas about the other. This unconscious power struggle is what destroys the intimacy and pushes the couple apart. This could very well be the key to understanding all relational problems. 2.4 The Building of an Imago Imago is a Latin word that means image specifically, the final stage of a butterfly after metamorphosis. The basic philosophy behind IRT is that every human being forms an unconscious picture of the ideal caretaker, during his interaction with his primary caretakers in childhood. This picture is called an IMAGO. During childhood the caretakers can never fulfill all the needs of the child and will unwillingly and mostly unknowingly, hurt the child by not fulfilling the childhood needs, or emotionally wound the child because of their own disabilities or wounds. The child will, all through adulthood, long to complete these childhood stages, and heal the childhood wounds. She/he will form a picture of the ideal life partner that will be able to understand his or her own childhood wounds and unmet needs. This Imago picture embodies the good and bad characteristics of the caretakers. When in later adult life a person is met who fits this Imago picture, the individual will fall in love with that person. This is motivated by the unconscious desires to complete the unmet needs of childhood. A person therefore chooses someone with the same basic unmet childhood needs and experience. This is certainly confirmed by 13

14 Brown (1999:9) who says: We tend to be drawn to someone who has similar positive and negative traits to that of our early childhood caretakers. Because the chosen person is usually a person with the same type of childhood wounds and unmet needs, he/she is therefore by definition the person who would best understand the make-up of the other. Such a person is, in reality, the person least able to fulfill those needs, because they are also struggling to heal from their own unmet needs in childhood. This healing can only occur in a relationship. Brown emphasizes the importance of this concept in a relationship. The healing that needs to occur, will only occur in the context of a relationship, the person then chooses an Imago partner with whom to complete this childhood journey of unmet needs (Brown 99:16). This longing to heal is the primary source of the power-struggle in a relationship when each partner is manipulating or unconsciously trying to force the other partner to fulfill his or her unmet needs. This process is described by Pat Love and Sunny Shulkin, as a process in which we are attracted to the person who brings us the form of love that feels familiar, for better or worse. We unconsciously partner with a person who has the same negative characteristics of our caretakers (i.e. smothering, neglect, controlling etc.). If we could get that person to love instead of abandoning or controlling us, it would feel as if we are finishing the unfinished business of childhood or completing the gestalt. Our earliest experiences with caregivers gave us our impressions of love and connection. Through interactions with the people who raised us, we formed our expectations of relationships. These expectations live with us today and color our experiences with others especially a primary love partner (Love & Shulkin 2001:67). Although these factors fuel romantic love, they also constitute emotional and characterological incompatibility, precipitating a power struggle in the relationship. It seems nature brings incompatible people together as a means of healing and growth (Hendrix and Hunt 1999). 14

15 The following exercise can be used to establish your own IMAGO (Adapted from the work of Harville Hendrix and Pat Love): MY IMAGO A. Thinking back to your childhood from birth to 18 years, list some of the negative Characteristics of the people who raised or influenced you (for example: angry, withholding, depressed, critical, busy, abusive, rigid) Now choose the three most important ones. B. Now list their positive characteristics (e.g. loving, caring, affectionate, supportive, present, nurturing, funny, giving, smart) Now choose the three most important ones. C. Think back to your childhood and how life was for you. Recall what you wanted and needed most as a child, specifically your heart s desire (for example: to be seen, to have a normal family, get attention, to be hugged, to be accepted, to be valued, to be to be praised, etc). Now choose the three most important ones. D. Now recall the happiest memories of childhood. These can be with your family, friends, in school, etc. Then list how you felt during these happy times 15

16 (for example: happy, loved, valued, competent, confident, excited, secure, and calm). Now choose the three most important ones. E. Finally think back on the frustrations of childhood, not just with your family, with anyone, and describe how you responded to the frustrations (for example: by getting angry, withdrawing, trying harder, keeping to myself, giving up, blaming myself, blaming others, fighting, taking care of myself, etc.). Now choose the three most important ones. After you have completed the entire exercise please enter the words, from the most important fields, into the spaces listed below to get a picture of your IMAGO I am attracted to a person who is: (words from a), and I expect him/her to be (words from b), so that I can get (words from c), and feel (words from d), But I stop myself from getting this sometimes by(words from e). This is my Imago and Image of love. 16

17 2.5 The Theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy To understand relationships and the dynamics behind our instinctive behavior it is important to understand the meta-theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy. A child is born with full vitality (aliveness) and energy to learn about his/her world. In this process of learning, the child interacts with his/her primary caretakers and learns through them about his/her world and how to react to it. This learning journey prepares the child to function as an adult in this world, and live in relationships. If the caregivers are able to keep the child safe through all of his/her journeys, he/she will learn that the world and relationships is a safe place to be. The opposite is also true. When a child has to fight for survival through these journeys he/she will perceive the world and relationships as an unsafe place where one cannot be one s true self but be on the defense mode all the time to survive. In the writer s view it is important to understand the four personal journeys as described by Brown (1999:23-50). These concepts form the basis upon which the theory is built The cosmic journey People are in essence energy or life pulsating and living, and spreading that energy to the world around them. The natural state of a human being is that of relaxed joyfulness, living in harmony with his/her surroundings. This energy affects all others because we are all connected in one universe. When people in relationships influence each other s state of relaxed joyfulness, and upset it, they adapt. Some people tend to become quiet and hold in their energy (Minimizers) and others expand their energy (Maximizers). These adaptations happen as soon as people feel unsafe in relationships, usually because of conflict. Minimizers will withdraw as soon as they are frightened or scared, or as soon as the relationship is perceived as unsafe. Maximizers are the people who would then tend to 17

18 chase after the Minimizers and try to get him/her to enter the process of trying to solve the differences. The two types of people are both human responses to feeling unsafe. When the Maximizers go s after the Minimizers it is because of feelings of abandonment and hurt. When the Minimizers retreat, it is because of the fear of being overwhelmed. The other person or body of energy is perceived as a person who disturbs my state of relaxed joyfulness. As long as a person feels unsafe he will react in one of these two ways, and will focus on protecting himself, rather than fulfilling the needs of the other person. This difference between the partners is utilized and normalized in IRT as part of the mate selection process and consequent growth promotion of the marriage (Zielinski 2000). IRT uses this analogy to illustrate that we choose the opposite adaptation to help us heal from that what we lost in childhood. The differences between the partners are therefore not cause for divorce but normalized as an opportunity and unconscious cry for growth The Evolutionary Journey People and animals share some of the same basic natural responses to the world, usually directed by instinct or the unconscious. These responses could be described as twofold. When the world is unsafe one wants to protect oneself and when it is safe one wants to enjoy life. The three basic responses of any creature to danger are flee, fight or freeze. Animals do this as a basic response to danger. When humans experience a relationship as unsafe they follow the same basic responses of fight, flee or freeze, to protect themselves and stay alive. This occurs in the animal or instinctive part of the brain. When a relationship has become unsafe, some partners might flee by leaving, some might start a fight and some might just freeze by withdrawing into silence. 18

19 This principle is embodied by the words of Brown: If therapists do not understand that the quest for survival is the only thing that happens in marital relationships, they do not understand couples: All couples are trying to do is survive (Brown 1999:42). When the relationship and environment is safe the opposite response is triggered. Brown describes it as follows: When people experience their environment and relationships as safe, they want to do three things, play, nurture, and mate - that is to make love (Brown 1999:32). While survival is the primary drive or mandate operating in all living creatures, human beings also operate under a secondary mandate. And that is, "If you can stay alive, why not enjoy your aliveness? (Brown 1999:32) The human desire or instinct to stay alive, plays an important role in the application of the theory of Imago. It stems from the belief that all humans long to regain a state of relaxed joyfulness in connection. The human brain has evolved over the ages. Differences in functioning, in different aspects of the brain, influence and dictate how we will function in relationships. Hannah, et al (1997) describe the human brain as a tripartite brain and this is confirmed by the findings of Brown who describes the human brain as tri-layered (Brown 1999:35). This view of brain functioning and its effect on safety in a relationship, is briefly described as below. The three parts of the brain are: the brain stem, limbic system and the cortex. The brain stem is also referred to as the reptilian brain because it handles automatic functions such as taking a breath and moving muscles to keep us alive in all situations. The limbic system is also referred to as the mammalian layer. This part of the brain activates centers of intense anger or rage and pain, all in the service of staying alive. 19

20 The third part of the brain is called the cortex, and enables one to think thoughts, and to think about those thoughts. A human is the only species that can think about the fact that she/he is thinking or reflect on and evaluate his actions. If the reptilian and mammalian brains are combined we can refer to them as the old brain and the cortex as the new brain. This old part of the brain has little or no awareness of time and space. The old brain s function is to keep the conditions safe. When conditions are safe, the person experiences relaxed joyfulness. If conditions are unsafe it automatically responds with a defensive posture and depending on the perceived danger, constricts energy (freezing, hiding or submitting), or explodes energy by fleeing or fighting (Hendrix & Hunt 1999:173). Couples tend to live most of their lives using the old brain. This means that they do not live intentionally in their actions towards each other, but live reactively to the actions of each other. This will always lead to the power-struggle. The therapist must help the partners to relax and reflect on the old brain impulses before they react, and teach them to start living intentionally. In order to achieve this, some level of safety needs to be present so that the partners can drop their defensive patterns and focus on pleasurable actions. When energy does not go into staying alive, more energy is available for enjoying aliveness. When couples start to live intentionally in their relationship, they will create safety. This safety will automatically lead to partners opening up to one another and they will begin to feel more intimate and connected. They will also begin to feel more vulnerable and this could lead them to close up again to protect themselves. This could become a cycle. Therapists often find, that as soon as couples open up to one another and show some piece of themselves to the other, they become afraid and would say: Now I am afraid he/she has more ammunition to shoot me with the next time we fight. This is an indication that the human brain has a natural desire to protect oneself against emotional pain. This is especially true, if the perceived danger matches an old 20

21 memory of pain or negative experience. Most individuals have had negative experiences within relationships and are influenced by these memories Psychological journey Parents do their best to keep their offspring alive in their journey to adulthood. This they do by keeping the child warm, fed, nurtured and safe. No parent can always in all circumstances fulfill every need of the child on a continual basis. The parents will inevitably miss some of the needs and leave the child feeling neglected and UN-cared for. In their efforts to nurture and keep children alive, many parents are intentionally or unintentionally guilty of sins of omission or commission. They inevitably wound us in one way or the other (Brown 1999:45). Children form an experience of their parents and from that form an Imago, which embodies the positive and negative character traits of the parents. This picture might not always be the truth, but that becomes irrelevant, because the picture is formed through the perceptions of the child. The psychological journey starts with birth where the child s need is to bond with the mother. This stage is called attachment. The journey is completed when the child reaches the age of 19 and completes the intimacy stage. In each phase the child has different needs, or cares, that he /she must get met by the parents in order to develop as a person and complete that particular human development. For example: If a child is busy with the competence phase, he needs the parent to be consistently there watching him, giving positive and constructive feedback. This will boost his confidence and allow him to explore his/her own limits. If the parent is an overcritical person or an absent person the child will adapt his/her behavior to survive and might not complete that particular stage successfully. 21

22 The theory of Imago suggests that the person will unconsciously try to complete that particular childhood stage in the relationship with the spouse. Such a person will unconsciously marry a critical person in the hope of successfully completing his/her competence issues in the hope that the spouse will give the necessary love attention and positive feedback to build a competent self image. When a child experiences feelings of rejection and abandonment in the attachment phase or feeling smothered or neglected at the exploration stage, it will result in wounds in his developmental self (or unfinished developmental tasks). As a result children may come to fear their own impulses and deny them to consciousness resulting in a denied self. To avoid further need frustration they may adapt by either exploding (Maximizer) or constricting (Minimizer) their energy. These adaptation characteristics often result in the development of a presentational self who projects its denied traits onto others, and connects with others whose complementary functions were impaired. This will however not be satisfactory and results in a continual search for the missing self (Hendrix & Hunt, 1999). Unless the situation is relieved these patterns will become dominant character structures and defense patterns, which are brought into adult relationships. The theory around this cannot be described in full in this study but can be found in the work of Joyce Buckner as published in The training Manua1 of Hendrix, H and in the work of Hendrix ( 1992:51-100) 22

23 The Psycho-Social Journey of the Self Responsibility Intimacy 20 + years Concern years Competence 7-13 years Identity 4-7 years Exploration 3-4 years Attachment 18 Months - 3 years 0-18 Months Social journey Socialization is an important factor to consider when relationship therapy is undertaken, because it affects the make-up of a person. Socialization is the process where a person s true self and natural energy are formed and shaped into a form that is socially acceptable to the parents and the social structure. The child expresses his own energy through an expression of feelings, sensing, thinking and actions. The parent reacts with responsive messages to these expressions, which either builds wholeness in the child or creates repression. For example: if a boy has a natural energy and instinctive desire to dance and is naturally attracted to a life in the arts of dancing or ballet, it is possible that his parents and social structure could find this undesirable. They would then naturally give him the message that such desires, senses, feelings and thinking is wrong and bad and therefore should not be a part of him. The child will then try to disown that part of himself in order to be socially acceptable. In most social cultures, boys are encouraged not to express their feelings of sadness and pain in front of their parents with words like Boys don t cry, or Don t be such a sissy. This type of behavior leads the child to feel rejected and guilty because he is experiencing these feelings and naturally leads him to disowning his feelings and senses. Girls, on the other hand, are allowed in most Western cultures to experience feelings of sadness and pain without fear of rejection. 23

24 This socialization influences relationships, because it often leads to a situation where the woman is in touch with her own feelings, but cannot connect with her husband on an emotional level. The man on the other hand, has been repressed in the area of emotions his whole life, and either does not know what he is feeling or cannot access that part of his being. Other messages of repression that parents send out are: children should be seen and not heard, keep your opinions to yourself, what were you thinking, you did not think, etcetera. Brown (1999:49) emphasizes the severity of this behaviour with his words: Parents who attempt to socialize their youngsters by continually giving them messages about what they should and should not do with their energy are actually mutilating their children with the best of intentions. They are cutting off pieces of their children every time they communicate the messages: don t feel, don t think, don t enjoy your body, and don t move. This often produce adults who are repressed in certain areas of their lives, and unconsciously project these needs and feelings onto the partner in marriage Adaptations and Survival Strategies No parent is perfect, and because most adults are struggling with their own issues in life and relationships, it seems unlikely that the parents will be able to fulfill all the needs of the child. When a child does not get the care, feedback, correct messages and love he needs to be happy and fully alive, he will make adaptations to stay alive. These adaptations are done on an unconscious level and can be referred to as survival strategies. For example: a child that lives in a critical home environment where his actions, success and performance are constantly criticized by caregivers in an effort to improve him, could react in two ways. He could become a competence wounded person who always tries to do more than necessary in order to avoid criticism. The 24

25 other adaptation would be to withdraw and believe that any attempt to succeed is not worth the effort because one would be criticized anyway. The child will long to complete this childhood phase and will continue to look for a caregiver (marriage partner) with whom he can complete that childhood phase. Brown stresses the importance of these concepts in marriage when he says: The adaptations that the child has adapted to stay alive become life patterns and will be brought into the marriage relationship. Unfortunately, however, what we learn to do as children in our response to our pain and what worked for us as children to help us stay alive, does not work for us in relationships (Brown 1999:57) Exit Theory The energy of a relationship is between the partners. The dynamics and specific pattern of interaction within each couple is unique to every couple. This interaction can be referred to as a marriage dance. When the marriage space (atmosphere between the couple) becomes unsafe, one or both partners will begin to exit the relationship intimacy on a regular basis in order to avoid being intimate with the person they do not feel safe with. These exits range from work to children, and could involve anything that is a passion, chore, responsibility, calling or pleasure. It becomes an exit when the person uses the passion or responsibility as an excuse to keep busy and avoid intimacy. People exit intimacy because of fear and anger. Anger stems from the realization that the partner is committed to his own salvation and is not focused on the other. Fear stems from the unconscious fear of being alone and intimate with someone you feel emotionally unsafe with (Hendrix 1993). Hendrix (1993:138) points out that the therapist should lead the couple into a noexit decision for a period of three months. In this process the dynamics of the relationship will surface as the Fuser in the relationship will relax because of the commitment and the Isolator will feel threatened because of the commitment. 25

26 2.6 The importance of regressive work and the implementation thereof in Imago Relationship Therapy The concept of childhood wounds or unmet needs in IRT is generally built upon the seven stages of childhood development as described by Joyce Buckner (1991). Because parents are people themselves from homes with their own problems and shortcomings no parent is perfect. The caretakers can never fulfill all the needs of the child and will unwillingly and unknowingly hurt the child by not fulfilling the childhood needs. Some parents inevitably wound their children emotionally because of their own disabilities or wounds or own unmet needs. Wright (1981:153) seems to support this concept when he says that unmet needs in childhood develop into rigid behavior patterns. These patterns are called frozen needs, because they recur over and over, and they cannot be met in the present. The processes of IRT allow the couple to return to these hurtful experiences, within the safety of a relationship other than with the therapist, and to heal them. The techniques of IRT are designed in a way that will foster safety, and keep the partners from projecting their own pain and fear onto each other. They learn to contain the pain and hurt of the other person in safety. The healing then occurs in and through the relationship. When partners see the childhood pain and the hurt of unmet needs, empathy is created, which seems to automatically create a connection and bond between the couple. This could for example be done by means of a short lecture on the value of empathy and its healing value and then the partners can role-play the parent and child of their own childhood. They will use the Imago parent Child Dialogue which will typically produce in the listener an empathic experience of the other person s woundedness. 26

27 Couples can also use frustrations with each other as a means to establish connection. Hendrix and Hunt (1999:188) state: In Imago therapy, frustrations are considered the royal road to the unconscious, which provides a glimpse into unresolved issues from childhood. 2.7 The concept of a marriage space between the partners The relationship between partners is different to the relationship between the individual partners and other people. This relationship could be referred to as a marriage space in which the couple lives. This marriage space must at all times be a safe space or atmosphere to be in. When this space becomes unsafe because of aggression, agitation or non-fulfilment of one or both of the partners, the intimacy between the couple will deteriorate and thereby diminish any possibility of deep communication and connection between the partners. This is confirmed by Zielinski: The average couple in treatment brings out the worst in each other and often the individuals appear to have personality disorders when interacting with each other (Zielinski 2000:66). If the space is unsafe, people cannot be themselves but rather live under constant fear of rejection and either becomes aggressive or compliant in order to be accepted, but the true nature of the person is denied. This can be referred to as personal adaptations to the true nature of a person. It is in this safe Space that personal healing and growth can take place. The need for personal growth in a relationship space is confirmed by Luguet and Hannah when they say: To fulfill each other s desires, partners have to grow past defensive adaptations and characterological limitations, thus enhancing their own personal growth (Luquet & Hannah 1998:15). This space is created by the other partner, by unconditionally accepting the other person and learning to contain that person s wounds, hurts, fears and anger. In traditional views on marriage, couples are required to sacrifice, protect and respect each other. This inevitably means that some of what they are, who they are and what they are feeling and experiencing will not be welcomed in the relational space. When 27

28 such undesirable characteristics or feelings are expressed, rejection will take place and the person will be re-wounded. This will lead to a person internalizing such feelings and experiences, and lead to disconnecting from the partner. Such relationships therefore grow into parallel relationships, or symbiotic relationships. Traditional views on marriage Individuals traveling together Marriage is areas of Sacrifice, give and take. We are one Traditional views on marriage are often indicated by the sketches above. Marriage is not something that can or should be fixed. It should be viewed as a space for healing and growth. This can best be illustrated by the following sketch (De Klerk 2003:49). The Imago view on Marriage Sacred Space Safety Others 28

29 The importance of safety in order for the true person of the individual to be authentic to what he/she is feeling and experiencing, and being able to be all of that in the relationship, is confirmed by the words of Hendrix and Hunt (1999:172): It is the character of the connection, namely, whether it is safe or dangerous, that sustains or ruptures the organization of the individual psyche and that, in turn, maintains or disturbs connection. The prevailing ontology of separation is thus amended, by ontology of relationship. If the marriage space is sanctified the true person will reveal himself in that safety, and intimacy will occur. Young and Long (1998:9) confirm this by stating that intimacy is a hallmark of a couple relationship a relationship defined by mutual self-disclosure and an understanding of the other person in a partnership of equals. Moreover they state that the degree to which a couple can express closeness is strongly influenced by the needs and expectations both parties have developed in their respective families of origin. Concerning the safety aspect in the marriage each partner in a relationship should feel safe enough to turn to the other partner in times of stress. The creation of such a safety in the relationship is one of the seven Psychological tasks that a relationship must develop. This specific task of safety is of importance because individuals who do not have their need for safety and nurturing met may be prone to exit from the relationship or seek to have their needs met in an extramarital affair (Young & Long 1998:16). 2.8 The Role of the Therapist in IRT In IRT, the dynamics and the work is between the partners. The therapist has no opinion and advice to give other than to point out the pattern of the relationship and to guide the couple in the dialogues. An Imago Therapist is a person who manages a process so that the couple is empowered to become each other s therapist (Brown 1999:xx). IRT is therefore not marriage advice, nor relationship counseling but rather a therapeutic process where the therapist is the couch. 29

30 The imago therapist does not analyze, diagnose or try to interpret what makes a client act in a certain way. Instead the Imago therapist engages the partners in the dialogue process. When empathy occurs between the couple, healing of the childhood wounds seems to happen inevitable (Brown 1999). Harville and Hunt (1999) point out that the therapist should discern the underlying wound, developmental arrests, and presence of the lost self in the partner s complaint. The therapist could give the sender a stimulus for his message through the use of sentence stems which would elicit a recollection of the wound like and that reminds me of. One of the tasks of an IRT therapist is therefore to keep all exchanges between the couple in the session dialogical. It is important that the IRT therapist should never take sides or engage in traditional diagnostic judgments, because insight is secondary to connection, which is the first aim of IRT. The therapist should therefore always have as a first priority the aim to keep the space (relationship environment) safe (Harville & Hunt 1999). It becomes a crucial mistake when the therapist allows one of the partners to turn to the therapist, and talk about the other partner. This breaks the connection between the couple and creates a connection with the therapist, as pointed out by Hendrix (1979). The therapist is therefore not the healer, but the relationship is the therapy. The healing does not take place within the Therapist-client partnership, as with traditional approaches. Harville and Hunt (1999) point out that the traditional tools of interpretation, analysis, confrontation, and other invasive transactions, along with the anxiety they evoke, are absent in this approach. A degree in one of the Mental Health professions is necessary for admission to the training program. The specific requirements for becoming a certified IRT Therapist are outlined by Harville and Hunt (1999:184). 30

31 2.9 The Processes of Imago Relationship Therapy IRT is not a series of techniques, but a belief system about committed partnership (Zielinski 2000:104) The main tool The main tool is the basic couple s dialogue technique. By means of this dialogue the couple is trained to listen to each other and to express themselves in a three-part process. This is done by asking one partner to speak (becomes the sender) and the other to listen (becomes the receiver). This process is explained by Luquet and Hannah (1998:13) as follows: Firstly, the partner who listens cannot answer or respond but rather mirrors exactly what the speaking partner says, by answering I hear you say. This is no easy task, because typically the receiving partner is feeling emotionally reactive to what the sending partner is saying. After the receiving partner has mirrored the sending partner, he responds with Tell me more When the sender has completed his story the receiver gives a summary of what he has heard. Secondly, the receiver is required to validate what the sender has said. This validation process does not mean that the receiver agrees with what the sender has said, nor does it indicate that what the sender has said might be the truth. It is rather an attempt by the receiver to understand the sender s point of view. The receiver tries to understand the sender s point of view by replying It makes sense to me that you could. Or I can understand that you could see it that way Thirdly, the receiver expresses empathy and tries to guess the sender s feelings around the subject. Empathy is really to put yourself in the shoes of the other person for a moment and to understand and experience his/her world for a moment. This can be done by the receiver saying: I imagine that you might be feeling Harville and Hunt (1999) point out that the movement to validation often requires a clinical judgment by the therapist that the couple is ready to do it. 31

32 The partners then switch and the receiver become the sender and the sender the receiver. This process accomplishes that the sender feels heard and understood, which automatically creates intimacy and connection between the partners. It also teaches the receiver to contain his/ her reactivity and more accurately hear what the sending partner is saying. The big advantage of using the couple s dialogue technique is that it creates safety in the space between the partners and removes the factors that usually lead to aggression or the exit of one or both partners. When the partners start to see their own wounding and that of the other they begin to understand their own marriage pattern and can then, consciously, begin to heal the other s unmet need and wounds Other tools in IRT Other tools in IRT includes container days, re-romanticizing, flooding and creating a positive vision for the relationship. The container process is considered one of the most difficult processes of IRT and is usually carried out under the supervision of a therapist. The container exercise allows the sending partner to express anger while the receiving partner listens with as much empathy as possible. The purpose is that anger received in empathy softens into hurt, which brings opportunity for healing. Re-romanticizing is the process where the couple intentionally reinstates romantic behaviors they exhibited naturally in the early relationship. It is a mutual exchange of pleasure in the relationship with the intention that the partner should become a source of pleasure and be seen as non-threatening. 32

33 Flooding is the process whereby the partners learn to express positive praise and appreciation with the absence of negative comments, and thus flood each other with caring behaviors. When the couple creates a positive vision for the marriage together, it helps the partners to have a road map for their relationship journey together Applications of the basic Couple s dialogue The basic couple s dialogue is a powerful tool and can be applied to any issue or situation in a relationship. The couple s dialogue can be adapted to achieve different aims in the counseling process. For example, when a couple is on the brink of a divorce, the therapist could lead them into a dialogue where they start with the words Why it is difficult for me to live with you.. Many times this will be the first opportunity that partners have to express themselves clearly concerning their feelings. The dialogue can also be used in a positive way: How I feel about you is. This basic tool can be adapted to any situation or relevant topic in the relationship or even topics outside of the relationship that will still cause connection The basic Dialogues techniques used in IRT The following list of applications of the basic dialogue models has been compiled and adapted by the author (De Klerk 2003:48) from the work of several writers. The Couples workshop manual by Harville Hendrix (1997) was used as a basis: Couples / Intentional Dialogue This basic couple s dialogue is used to establish a safe, sacred space in the relationship. It is not for problem-solving, i.e. not about problem-solving at all. The aim is to create understanding and make the space safe to facilitate communication. With difficult couples (where the space is very unsafe) the following sentence stems could be used: Why I think it is difficult to live with and be married to myself... Why I cannot continue this marriage the way we do How I have prevented the marriage we both want from happening 33

34 Parent Child Dialogue Harville and Hunt (1999) describe this process as re-imaging the partner. The aim is to re-image the partner as wounded rather than dangerous. This dialogue will deepen childhood memories. It will create empathy between the partners and allow a partner to understand the other partners childhood pain. This helps the receiving partner to recognize the wounded child in the other. The couple role-plays and one partner takes the role of one of the parents. Using the basic dialogue technique, the sender speaks to the receiver as his parent. The receiving partner mirrors everything in the first person. Sentence stems to direct the sender could be: You are my Mom/ Dad. Living with you is Behavior change request dialogue (BCR) This process teaches each partner how to express their individual needs in a constructive manner that will deepen the understanding between them. It is a way to keep the marriage space safe while talking about frustrations. Harville and Hunt (1999) explain that this dialogue helps partners to express their needs without using criticism, devaluation or intimidation. Using the basic dialogue technique, the receiving partner responds by agreeing to specific behavior changes as an unconditional gift. This facilitates mutual growth, since what one partner needs is usually the most difficult to give. The giver, by stretching into the requested behavior, activates the denied or repressed parts of childhood. In this way partners call each other to mutual wholeness and growth. 34

35 This can usually only be done with the help of a trained IRT therapist. The couple will start with small issues/frustrations in the coach s presence at first and learn to express those needs in safety. The therapist will then lead the sender to discover the childhood unmet needs that trigger the frustration. This enables partners to understand the motive and childhood pain behind the frustration, and give insight that 90% of what frustrates us about our partner actually comes from our own past and only 10% is about the present behavior. This is referred to as the 90/10 principle. These dialogues can typically be started with sentence stems like: It frustrates me when you The reason it frustrates me is Or From my perspective your deepest frustration with me is Forgiveness/ Making Amends dialogue This dialogue gives a partner the opportunity to say sorry for past hurts in safety. It can be used when one partner wants to ask forgiveness for doing something that has happened or that he/she has done to hurt the relationship or the other partner. No exit Dialogue This dialogue is designed to build safety and commitment in the relationship. It should follow a short lecture on the exits that people use to stay out of intimacy. It is preferable to do this dialogue very early on, in the therapy process. It will help the couple to block all energy leaking from their relationship space. A typical sentence stem would be: One way I exit the relationship is 35

36 Owning dialogue? When couples have difficulty in speaking to each other because of a lack of safety, start the dialogue with this question. Sentence stem that could introduce this is: Why it is difficult to live with me or What is it like living with me Expressing appreciation Dialogue This dialogue teaches couples to express appreciation without allowing frustrations to be mixed with the appreciation. It develops the couple and teaches them to give appreciation to each other and the value there-of in the process of creating safety. Sentence stems that could be used: What I specifically liked The way it made me feel What made me feel special / loved Self acknowledgement dialogue. This dialogue gives acknowledgement to personal growth in relationships. It creates ownership for caring behaviors and facilitates the process of individuation. It fosters the responsibility of each partner to build the relationship. Sentence stems could be: Why it was specifically hard / such a stretch, for me to The reason I did it The Flooding exercise This exercise helps the partners to learn to express appreciation for the person the partner really is. It moves the focus from the frustrations the individual is experiencing with the other, to the valuable and good characteristics of the other partner. It will make the other feel wanted and appreciated. Sentence stems: Your physical attributes that I like Your character attributes that I like Your personality attributes that I like. I love you 36

37 The Non-verbal Dialogue In this exercise no speaking is used, but couples are encouraged to talk with their eyes, face, body and touching. They learn to connect with each other, in a way other than verbally. This should only be done when the couple is at a safe place in their relationship. Holding Cradling Exercise This exercise allows the partners to feel sadness and pain about childhood or any other external (non-relationship) issue. This may be about something not to do with your partner. One partner holds the other in cradling embrace (lying across the lap of the other) and allows such a held person to talk about pain. Tell me about There is no mirroring when the sender speaks. The partner holding, just listens and respond with I understand and Tell me more. This dialogue can also be used to re-image the other partner as in parent-child dialogue. Only when the person has finished, the holding partner can ask: what can I do now, that would heal that with your parents? and responds by mirroring. It needs to be noted that the techniques of these dialogues can most probably only be mastered with supervision by a trained and qualified Imago Therapist Couples Workshops Harville Hendrix has designed a 20-hour getting the love you want weekend workshop. The workshop utilises lectures and a subset of the workshop processes. In two days (20 hour) the workshop offers lectures, written exercises, guided imageries, live demonstrations and working one-on-one with your partner. Typically, the following topics would be lectured on: the tripartite brain and its effects on safety in the relationship, childhood development and mate selection, the importance of empathy, caring behaviours, restructuring negative behaviours, and resolving rage. The couples are then taught to use the dialogue process to apply these lecture topics, and learn about their partners. 37

38 The workshop is in two parts, the first being an explanation of the Unconscious relationship, and creating awareness of how romantic love leads to the powerstruggle. The second part is the Conscious relationship part, where couple learn to live consciously with their partners and create an intentional relationship. Workshops can only be presented by Therapists who have undergone a two-year training period to become certified as workshop presenters The effectiveness of IRT The effectiveness of short-term couples therapy using the IRT model has been measured by Hannah et, al (1997) using the compass measuring model. They found that individual psychological functioning, as measured using COMPASS increased on at least two levels. These findings are also consistent with the findings of Pitner, G.D (1995). His research showed that the weekend workshop experience had a significant positive effect on marital satisfaction and change in the quality of the relationship. Harville and Hunt (1999:192) point out that several studies indicated IRT has a positive result on marital happiness, but they conclude that these results are still limited and must be considered preliminary 38

39 Chapter 3 CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING The character of Christian marriage counseling Guernsey (1994:20) states that Christian marriage counseling has more to do with the being and character of the counselor and clients, than with the content and technique used in the counseling process. Moreover, he says that no particular mode of therapy can claim to be Christian, but is rather done by Christians. It is of more importance to him, whether Jesus Christ has been integrated as Lord in the counselor s character. He says that an understanding of the doctrines of Imago Dei (Man created in God s Image) and sin and evil could be important when working from a Christian perspective. Sin would then be, when we fail to achieve God s plan for us, by engaging in acts that is opposite to the Bible. Evil, then being that we engage in acts that deliberately destroys God s Image (the Imago Dei) in us. For Guernsey it appears that Christian marriage counseling has to do with the basis of the biblical values that are used as departure points, rather than a specific model of therapy. However, Adams (1970) has pointed out (in his Nouthetic counseling approach), that Christian counseling is not only done by a Christian, but also should be done according to the general biblical principals of Christian living. These principals includes such principals as forgiveness, personal holiness and integrity. For the counselee this means that he should follow biblical principals. He should measure his life against the biblical directives and see where he has failed. The counselor is the guide in this process. These errors should then be confessed and changed to achieve one s goals. God is asked to help the counselee in making these changes. Worthington (1989: 22) has identified three approaches that could be termed Christian marriage counseling. The first is the situation in which, it is believed that Christianity is more caught than taught from a caring Christian. The Counselor then leads the clients through change even though specific Christian techniques or Christian 39

40 practices are not used. The Counselor s own demonstration and example might be important. The second approach believes that all therapy must have direct scriptural justification or be rooted in spiritual guidance techniques, such as prayer, confession, biblical instructions, Bible verse memorization and intervention of the Holy Spirit. The third approach uses methods developed by secular theories of counseling but which deal directly with the spiritual thoughts, behavior and lifestyle of their clients. They use secular counseling processes with Christian content. Worthington states that his own approach draws upon the secular theories and he deals with the Christianity of his clients, through spiritual guidance techniques such as explicit prayer, confession, forgiveness, scriptural exegesis and scriptural quotations and principles. He identified the following four distinctive aspects that could describe Christian marriage counseling (Worthington 1989:20-45). Should be done by a Christian Should be consistent with Christian assumptions Should be consistent with God s specific (biblical) and general (natural) revelations. Should have Christ at the centre (grounded in prayer and identification of Jesus as the healer of people and restorer of relationships). Wright (1981:38) says that a way to develop a biblical approach in counseling is to compare a current secular counseling model that has proven effective with the model of counseling in the Bible. It might be of importance to note the view of the Friesens (1989), concerning the therapeutic approach chosen in Christian marriage counseling. They suggest that the clients will be best served if the therapist treats and views the relationship as a system, and therefore uses the systems approach rather that individual counseling. 40

41 The author sees this as very important, as marriage seems to be viewed from the biblical point of view, as a closed system. It is clear that there is no consensus amongst Christian counselors as to exactly what makes marriage counseling Christian. The writer is of the opinion that Christian marriage counseling should maybe not be seen as a separate model, but rather a specific approach. In this approach there seems to be certain views, actions, and belief systems that distinguish it from all other approaches. These distinguishing factors will now be highlighted. 3.2 Understanding the purpose of marriage from a Christian perspective The view of the church in general about marriage could possibly be summed up, in the view of the Smiths (1982:22), when they say that marriage is given by God as part of the creation to humans. Marriage is the relationship in which partners can practice the Christian disciplines of living as new creatures, forgiving, being empowered by the Holy Spirit and acceptance. They see marriage as a Christian vocation where each person can fulfill God s calling on their life. In this sense, they see marriage as a covenant relationship between two equals to fulfill God s calling to minister to each other and be a channel of God s love. Louw (1938:60) explains that the church sees marriage as a creation and command to humans by God. Patton and Childs (1988) depart from the point of view that you cannot work with the couple without understanding that they are generational human beings with a responsibility to care for those related to them in their own generation as well as in the generations before and after. This generational care must be understood in the light of their specific Christian traditions and generational links The concept of Covenant The concept of covenant seems to be the first aspect that guides and distinguish Christian marriage counseling from others. 41

42 For Christians, marriage is a mirror image of how God loves man and promises to be true to him in a covenant relationship. This forms the basis of how a man and woman should be in covenant to each other. The phrase Covenant Companionship is used by Adams (1983:24) as a phrase that summarizes the whole biblical concept and purpose of marriage. He argues that the counselor must teach this concept to the couple in order for them to understand the purpose of marriage and to dispel natural misconceptions about the purpose of marriage. Louw (1985:38) says that marriage is a covenant between God, man and wife. In this covenant, they call friends to be witnesses in the forming of a permanent bond that cannot be broken. Through their love conduct towards each other, in this covenant marriage, the couple demonstrates the love of God for the assembly. He says that the reconciliation through Jesus Christ is the focus of a Christian marriage. Louw (1985:19) say s that there is a God-given purpose for marriage. Because man and woman were created in God s image, he maintains that in their conduct towards each other, they should honour God, by demonstrating His grace, mercy and character towards each other. Marriage must be to God s glory. The marriage covenant is seen as an earthly sample of the love covenant God has with man. This love covenant finds its full embodiment in the redemption work of Christ. The power of God s love in this covenant is illustrated by the fact that even though man has continued to sin against God, He keeps His covenant promises. This is an illustration of the unbreakable marriage bond between a man and woman even in the presence of marriage problems. Louw s thinking is probably an embodiment of the traditional Christian view on marriage. In this view the covenant principal, (as illustrated by the redemption covenant God made with His people) is central and therefore views marriage as an unbreakable covenant. 42

43 The concept of covenant promises is used by Guernsey (1996:22) as a strong directive to remind couples to consider the promises they have made and broken. He says that when more promises are broken than those that are kept, disillusionment and disappointment sets in. He then refers to Exodus 32 in the Bible, where God wanted to annul the covenant between God and Israel because of Israel s disobedience. Although marriage is not a sacrament, it is still an institution ordained and created by God. Marriage is a gift from God to man to fulfill his inner desire to belong and to be loved. Christians view the bond as a powerful, divinely ordained and instituted bond. In this view, the bond also represents an image of the covenant bond that God made with humans. It is also important to note that the covenant bond God made with humans has been broken numerous times by humans. This has never led God to a point where he has forsaken his covenant with humans. This has relevance in Christian thinking and Christian marriage counseling with regards to the breaking of marriage bonds through unfaithfulness and infidelity. Just as God never annulled his covenant with His people because of their failure to keep their end of the covenant, so in relationship grace always come first. In Christian marriage counseling, the concept that marriage is a covenant and should be kept in tact as far as possible is very important. Forgiveness is therefore always presented as the first choice to protect and honour the covenant principal The Imago Dei ( Image of God in Us) The Smiths (1986:15) states that even though God has many ways of coming into the world, the most effective way is through the love of a man and woman for each other. The Christian marriage relationship may convey God s unconditional love; a love that sacrifices, forgives, sustains, affirms. When this love is shared, the kingdom of God becomes a reality. Guernsey (1996:26) says that the life-giver, whether mother or father, is the earliest attachment object. According to the attachment theory he summarize that each 43

44 attachment style establishes an internal, relational template upon which later, adult relationships will be forged (Guernsey 1996:25). This indicates that our parent s relationship and our own relationship as parents to children need to demonstrate the love of God. We should therefore, as human beings in a family, demonstrate the image of God in us through our conduct and treatment of each other. Louw (1983:62) says the way in which a man and a woman connect in a marriage relationship in their love towards each other must give expression to the supremacy of God. In their conduct towards each other they should give expression and represent God. They must give expression to God s capacity for forgiveness. In Christian marriage counseling, it therefore is paramount that the marriage will build and enhance the image of God in each individual The role of the Assembly Louw (1985:5) says that the marriage cannot be seen as separate from the assembly (local Church). He maintains that the marriage is a smaller version of the greater assembly. The marriage of believers therefore serves to build the people in it as part of the greater assembly. Louw (1983:70) says: The way in which a couple expresses God s forgiveness towards each other is a demonstration in an assembly to others of God s forgiving character. In Christian thinking, the church is the body of Christ that give protection, significance, values and guidance for life. In this regard, the church can play a role in the therapeutic process of a couple. To some writers the local assembly can even become involved in the marriage through education, mutual sharing, prayer and ministry. 44

45 3.3 What makes a happy marriage according to the Christian perspective? Louw (1985:43) proclaims that a marriage should be focused on the honour of God. This means that in the marriage each party should be towards each other an image of Christ, and in their relationship mirror the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. The principles of love, respect and purpose seem s to embody the thoughts of Christian counselors, concerning that which would make a marriage happy. Love Louw (1985:48-50) states that the interpretation of love can fluctuate between the dimensions of Spiritual Idealism and pure physical bodily experience. He says that the couple expresses God s love for us in the way they express their love towards each other. In this way they focus their marriage on the honour of God. He explains that love has four aspects that are relevant to understanding its role in marriage satisfaction, namely, Sexus sexual love; eros emotional love; Philia - covenant love and agape self-sacrificial Love. He sums up love as: mutual acceptance, understanding, trust and respect. Respect Respect is for Louw (1985:72) the principle of respecting the other person as a wonderful and unique human, irrespective of bodily beauty and changes that might occur. Purpose Adams (1972:43-47) states the purpose of marriage as companionship and childbearing. As discussed elsewhere, most Christian writers seem to agree with Louw (1983: 62) that men and woman in marriage represent the image of God. The purpose of marriage therefore is to express, in our conduct towards each other, God s attributes of love, mercy, grace, forgiveness and covenant. 45

46 In this regard it is probably correct to agree that the purpose of marriage is the honour of God. Happiness should then consist of attaining a level of satisfaction when one has honoured God through one s relationship. 3.4 The reasons for marriage problems from a Christian perspective A and L Smith (1982:50) state that religion, sex and money are the three major issues that need to be addressed in marriage. Louw is adamant that the following three interconnected factors form the base of all marriage difficulties. 1. Love factor: Where the partners do not understand what marital love is all about. 2. Communication factor: Wrong communication and lack of communication. 3.Maturity factor: personal immaturity and relational immaturity ( Louw 1985:22-23). Love When a couple does not understand what real love is, love loses its more permanent characteristics of faithfulness, responsibility and sacrifice (Louw 1995:22). Louw (1985:19) state s that people do not understand the true nature of marital love. He claims that for most people love is just an emotional experience clouded by romantic ideals. They do not understand the responsibility factor and the purpose of marriage. He says this happens because people usually marry too young, before they have reached personal maturity. Communication Adams (1972:28-29) states that: a sound relationship between husband and wife is impossible apart from good communication. Communication is fundamental to a Christ-centered home, because it is the means by which a husband-wife relationship and parent-child relationship is established, grows, and is maintained. He continues to explain the rules of communication, deducted from the teachings of Paul in Ephesians 4: This embodies the principles of always speaking the 46

47 truth, not harboring resentment, not venting anger in a damaging way, and communicating in a way that embodies and honours the biblical principles for living. Louw (1983:87-89) sees communication as a life process that cannot be completed, but sees it to be a sharing of love by two people. It is a mutual willingness of two mature individuals to move closer by meeting each other halfway. He further states that communication is an exchange of faith values through the working of the Holy Spirit, and not just a technique that partners can learn. He says: we are called to communicate ( Louw 1983:89). Louw (1983:95) continues to explain that communication is the art of listening, and that this process can be hindered by personal immaturity, sin, guilt, defense mechanisms, crises and being too busy. Maturity Louw (1985:32-35) says that personal maturity and religious maturity are critical keys to a successful relationship. He believes marriage problems can be related back to the maturity factor of the individual and the maturity of the relationship. Louw (1983) refers to the mature relationship, as a relationship in which mutual acceptance, mutual adaptability and a sense of responsibility towards the purpose of marriage is paramount. Wrong images of self and self-identity in the marriage could lead to the development of destructive patterns of interaction between the partners. The maturity factor is also influenced by the specific developmental phase the individual finds himself in (Louw 1983:23). Immature relationships then result from immature people in the relationship. A person can show maturity in other relationships, but in his emotional connection with his/her marriage partner, the personal immaturity could result in reactive and defensive behaviour that destroys the sense of belonging in the relationship. Maturity is 47

48 embodied in a person who can give without receiving in turn, and a person who can accept the other unconditionally (Louw 1985:30). The purpose of marriage then is not first and foremost a relationship where the person gets all his/her needs fulfilled, but rather a way of demonstrating the principles of forgiveness and reconciliation with God. Marriage then is seen as a calling. The ideal relationship would then be a relationship where one exercises the principles of forgiveness and personal growth with the guidance of the Holy Spirit of God on a daily basis. This seems to be confirmed by Worthington (1989: ) when he says one of the main developmental tasks of adolescence is to establish romantic and other relationships, which reduce egocentrism as the adolescent learns to care for others. He argues that, in most cases, this process is not completed by the time we marry, and we therefore marry an image of the ideal person who will look after our egocentric needs. The fundamental task of early marriage is then to learn to transcend one s own egocentric picture of the object of love and transform it into a true object of love. Developing this capacity to see another person for who that person really is, proves very important if you want to know God better and not have an egocentric relationship with Him. Couples connect on cognitive and spiritual levels and affect each other. In marriages where people have not dealt with egocentric needs, this process transforms into a need to control each other. Reber (1995:439) describes maturity as: ripeness; the state of adulthood, of completed growth, of full functioning; the end of the process of maturation. The psychologist Bowen, from a systemic perspective, defines maturity as: Theoretically, a mature person is a contained emotional unit who is able to maintain 48

49 his ego boundaries under stress without becoming involved in emotional fusions with others (Bowen 1978:107). The writer regards the concept of maturity as critical to the value of this study and will discuss it further in Chapter 4. Faith For Christian counselors, the relationship of the individual with Jesus Christ is a key factor for marriage success. They hold that from this relationship one learns to live and relate to one s spouse in the correct manner. It is also from one s relationship with Christ that one draws help with relationships. In this regard, Louw states that maturity also has to do with maturity of one s faith (religious maturity). In this sense he considers that in order to be in a successful relationship with another person one must have reached maturity in one s personal faith. In this sense of maturity, the principle explained in Galatians 2:20 that I live no more but Christ lives in me is of utmost importance. A marriage that is mature in faith is a value-based marriage, referring to the Christian values of truth, forgiveness and love for one s fellowman, etcetera. Louw (1985:32) points out that part of the crisis in marriages is that people have traded their faith in God for a faith in man s own abilities and technical achievements, which have taken away his personal security and left him in a crisis of what the sense of living is all about. The marriage has now become the substitute for this crisis, where people demand from their partners to compensate for this loss of security and direction. According to Louw, faith is a critical factor in a mature relationship. Apart from the personal dimension of the love between a man and a woman, marriage has another dimension which is the belief that God puts two people together. (Gen 2:22-24: and Matt. 19:4-6). He says: a Relationship which is mature in Faith knows that marriage has is roots in God s mercy, the Holy Spirit s counseling and the PEACE love of Christ (Louw 1985:33). 49

50 These principles may be true, valuable and biblical. But if these are considered as primary to marriage success then it goes to argue that non-believers or non-committed Christian should not be able to attain marriage success. Sin Adams (1983:11) points out that sin is always the basic cause of marriage problems. He discusses two ways in which sin manifests in the relationship, namely: in erroneous concepts and in sinful attitudes or practices. He argues that to refer to a sin as a sickness or immaturity is to lead the counselee in the wrong direction. To call sin sickness or immaturity or to use any other psychological or sociological jargon that distorts or disguises its true nature, is to lead yourself and your counselee astray (Adams 1983:13). He quotes II Tim. 3:16-17, to show that the Bible exposes and corrects these sinful practices. He proceeds to say that the counselor must identify the marriage problem as an error, willful sin or failure to overcome a destructive pattern. The concept of sin will receive further attention in Chapter 4. Marriage roles Wrong role expectancy, as a result of upbringing, culture and ideals is a further factor listed as a major cause of marital difficulty ( Louw, 1985:18). It seems that there is some degree of difference among Christians counselors in their view of marriage roles. Christian marriage counselors take from the Bible ( Ephesians 5:22-23; 1 Peter 3:1-7:1; Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23) that God the Father is the head of Jesus, who is the head of the church and of every man. In the same manner, each man is the head of his wife. This headship mirrors the headship of Jesus over every church. The way 50

51 that Jesus is the head of the church is an example of how the husband should be the head of the wife. This is seen as a position of responsibility, to the extent that the husband must be willing to lay down his life for his wife as Jesus laid down his life for the church (Ephesians 5:25). The husband carries the role of responsibility that includes all aspects of family life. Ephesians 5: Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church 30 for we are members of his body. 31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 32 This is a profound mystery but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV) The concept that the husband must be willing to lay down his life is often seen in a spiritual and emotional way rather than a physical way, although Jesus laid down his life literally. Adams (1983:32) views the husband as the leader in the household, and that he is a key person in deciding the success of a marriage. He quotes Ephesians 5 and Genesis 2 to show that the wife must submit to the husband, and therefore in all her doings be Husband orientated. He states that a 51

52 woman must live for the husband and the man must die for his wife, as Jesus Christ died for us (Adams 1972:87). A strong-willed woman with a good sense of self-worth, might find this view degrading and archaic. This could cause rebellion and resentment in her towards Christianity ands all that it stands for. The leadership and submission factors in marriage are strongly linked to role expectancy in relationships, which will be discussed elsewhere. The Friesens (1989), suggest that the concept of leadership or authority in the marriage can be very important. They advise that the therapist should also clarify, in his own mind, his opinion about the biblical interpretation of Ephesians Five. They hold that Ephesians five should be read that both parties should submit to the needs of each other out of reverence for Christ. The role of leadership should then be divided between the partners according to gifts and talents, rather that just a position of authority. The person with the best talent or ability in a certain area should lead that area. They suggest that the headship role indicated in Ephesians five refers to a spiritual position of responsibility. The Christian writer and teacher Dr. Bruce Wilkinson (1990) holds the view that God appoints the man as the leader of the house. This role is a spiritually assigned one and the woman should therefore follow the man in all matters.the woman is to submit to the leadership of the man irrespective of his abilities, character or conduct. This view seems to be more popular amongst the more fundamentalist in Christian circles. The writer is of the opinion that this might be a way in which fundamentalist Christians find a way to attain marital equilibrium without addressing issues and without having to achieve individual and relational growth. 52

53 This might be a source of marital strife rather than marital harmony. It might also be a very archaic view that is more bound to the culture of the Bible than the intentions of God. This matter requires further study. It is clear that role expectancy and leadership roles can be a definite source of marriage conflict. It also should be noted that there are differences in the interpretations of what submission, authority and leadership mean in a Christian marriage. This subject is deemed to have specific application in this study and will therefore receive further attention later on. Equals The concept that man and woman are equal before God in their creation, but unique in their character, is pointed out by Louw ( 1983:75). He explains that although culture has often diminished the value of women before God, women are equal in value and ability. He maintains that equality in marriage is important to create a mature relationship (Louw 1983:76). The writer agrees and sees this as a fundamental prerequisite to understanding marriage from the biblical point of view. Failure to attain this seems to lead to marital strife. In some Christian circles, this view is not supported and a more traditional approach is followed (as discussed previously). The matter will be discussed further under problems and addressed again in Chapter 4 when the interaction with IRT is discussed. Over-romanticizing Louw (1985:17) points out that over-romanticizing is a major problem in marriages. He states that couples enter relationships with incorrect expectations. When romance 53

54 is the number one binding force in a relationship, disappointment and disillusionment will drive the couple apart. Exclusivity Louw (1983:82) explains that the exclusive dedication of a man and a woman towards each other both emotionally and sexually is of cardinal importance for a successful marriage. All others must be excluded from this relationship. Conclusion The sample (that will not be listed here) of what a Christian marriage retreat should entail as given by Smith A and l (1982:38) probably gives a good summary of the general Christian view of marriage issues. 3.5 The Methods used in Christian Marriage counseling For Worthington (1989) marriage is a structure that involves commitment, intimacy, effectance (the need to produce discernible effects) and forgiveness. The biblical directives of how to deal with each of these four principles (for example, forgiveness) are therefore paramount in Christian counseling. He argues that intimacy and effectance are exercised most fully in marriages and family life. They will however be exercised in different ways at different times during the family life cycle and life stages of the individual. He maintains that change in relationship counseling relies more on the intervention of the Holy Spirit through prayer than on techniques (Worthington 1989:198). Confrontation is mentioned by Wright (1981) as an important factor in a biblical approach to couples therapy. He describes it as an extension of empathy. He gives biblical examples of people such as King David who were confronted in a biblical way. Wright (1981:38) substantiates the five steps of the counseling process from the Bible. These steps he identifies as: 54

55 1. Building a relationship between helper en helpee; 2. Exploring the problems; 3. Deciding on a course of action; 4. Stimulating action; 5. Terminating. Pastoral care to marriages must also include ministry to the person s relationship with God. Pastoral care will also endeavor to build up the individual s faith and connect him with God (Louw 1983:101) Louw also points out that, advisory counseling, psychoanalytical counseling, client orientated counseling, and relationship-orientated counseling are valuable approaches in Christian marriage counseling. He also endorses the purpose approach, where the counselor first establishes what the couple s faith relationship is and then connects the purpose of their marriage to understand the concept of covenant (Louw 1983: ). Adams (1986:10-17) deduces (from 11 Timothy 3:14-17 in the Bible) a four-step program to effect change in counseling. He identifies them as teaching, conviction, correction and disciplined training in righteousness. It appears that no program or model can be coined Christian. It seems Christian marriage counseling is a more than just a model, it has to do with teaching the couple a way of life. In this model, Biblical values and directives are non-negotiable, and are the guidelines along which the rest of the process happens. There are however a few concepts that are deemed to be important and unique in Christian marriage counseling. 55

56 Reconciliation and forgiveness Two important principles in Christian marriage counseling are: unconditional acceptance and unconditional forgiveness. Louw (1985:11) argues that part of the purpose of marriage is that the partners should demonstrate in their conduct towards each other the forgiving love of Jesus Christ. This they must do, by allowing love to be a force that forgives each other unconditionally according to the directives found in Ephesians 4: In this sense, the marriage should resemble the relationship of the restored sinner with Christ. My needs should not count but only the needs of my partner. This Louw deduces from Ephesians 2. Ephesians 2:3-5 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions it is by grace you have been saved. (NIV) Forgiveness is central to understanding marriage. He quotes Colossians 3:13-14 as an indication that forgiveness is central to marriage success. He links forgiveness in marriage to the relationship with Christ and states that forgiveness in the relationship implies that a new relationship with God can restore a deteriorated marriage relationship. The marriage partners should practice the principles of showing mercy, grace, understanding and self-sacrifice. Louw (1983:104) says that he chooses the reconciliation model of marriage therapy. The couple then understands the God-given purpose of marriage, that is, to achieve maturity of faith within the individual. 56

57 Colossians 3: Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (NIV). Forgiveness and reconciliation are two of the most distinctive principles of Christian counseling. Not only are they biblical directives but they are also modeled by God Himself to humans through His grace and forgiveness shown through the death of Jesus. Forgiveness is central to Christian marriages. Lack of forgiveness will therefore be physically and biblically and im passe to marriage healing and growth. The role of the Holy Spirit Wright (1981:42) says that the Holy Spirit enabled Jesus to be effective in His counseling. He states that the Holy Spirit has access to all materials that other psychotherapists know and use. In addition, He has direct access to the thoughts and feelings of the counselor. He says the counselor should become the counselee in the presence of the Holy Spirit, and should sincerely seek honest reproval, correction and training in righteousness which the Holy Spirit promises. This may be the strongest distinguishing factor in Christian marriage counseling. What makes counseling Christian is not only the involvement of biblical principles, but the active presence and involvement of God through the working of the Holy Spirit. Pre-marital preparation Pre-marital preparation may be a very Christian concept. The Smiths (1982:46) state s that, Pastors who feel a keen sense of responsibility will use the opportunity to prepare young married couples. He further states that premarital preparation is to help the individuals, to understand themselves and their needs, their relationship and circumstances. 57

58 It could be argued that pre-marital preparation should be a prerequisite for a Christian marriage. The very purpose of the church is to instruct (disciple) people in the lifestyle of Christianity. Therefore pre-marital counseling should play a role in learning to live in relation. Prayer Most Christian counselors agree that prayer is a basic tool by means of which the cousellor and the couple can enlist God s help in counseling. It also is a tool to help the counselee to focus and humble himself before God and allow the Holy Spirit to speak into his life. Scripture reading All counselors seem to agree that relevant scripture reading can act as a guiding tool and directive in counseling. For that reason the counseling that flows from the Bible is unique. Far from being run-of-the-mill, it is unlike any other form of counseling. To put it simply, it is sacred counseling, and it follows a sacred process of change (Adams 1986:22). Adams seems to favour the idea that counseling should be done directly from the Bible, by quoting and explaining scriptures relevant to the problem or situation of the counselee. Although this might have strong relevance for people who come from a generation where the search for truth is prevalent, it might be an inadequate approach to contemporary (post modern) thinkers and people with deep psychological problems and wounds. Care should be taken not to adopt a narrow and simplistic approach. 58

59 3.6 The role of the Pastor in Christian marriage counseling. The Pastor is seen in most Christian circles as a religious authority. People will therefore come to him and expect instruction in biblical norms (Smith A & L. 1982:48). Adams (1983:30) argues that for a counselor to be effective in marriage counseling, he must develop and maintain his own marriage to be holy and flourishing according to biblical standards. According to Adam s thinking, this certainly raises the question of whether an unmarried person is able, or qualified to give marriage counseling. In his view, the counselor must be able to live and demonstrate a healthy marriage and be able to advise and teach with his own life. According to this view, any divorced counselors would obviously not qualify to do marriage counseling. It makes sense that in many church settings the pastor is viewed as a role model and therefore his own marriage could be viewed as a model to follow. This might contain faulty logic: if a person knows God and understands the biblical principles, this does not guarantee absolutely that such a person would be able to create a happy marriage with another individual over whom he does not have full control. Worthington (1989) states, that the counselor must unite himself in a trust relationship with the clients, where he will be able to keep their conflict under control and influence them to heed his advice. Christian marriage counselors are differentiated from other marriage counselors in that they work from a biblical perspective. The Christian marriage counselor, therefore, probably needs to be able to instruct the counselee in biblical perspectives on certain issues. Further he needs to be open for intervention by God in his counseling through prayer, and the Holy Spirit working in the life of the counselee. 59

60 It must further be noted that in certain Pentecostal and charismatic circles the belief is held that the Holy Spirit of God gives certain gifts to people to accomplish His work in people. These gifts are described in 1 Corinthians chapter 12 and Ephesians chapter 4. The understanding is that the Holy Spirit will use the counselor to influence and change the counselee through these supernatural gifts. Wright (1981:38) states that empathy is of particular importance for Christian marriage counseling. He indicates that a counselor who practices the presence of the Holy Spirit will have more love and patience with the counselee. He will be aware of his own feelings and emotions in the counseling process and will not allow them to become part of the counseling process. This unconditional love will help him to accept all people as they are and not be judgmental. 3.7 The problems of Christian marriage counseling Family view Erickson (1988) points out, that in contemporary society (Post Modernism), the general view of the family is changing. One needs to start re-visioning the Family life cycle that is widely used in Family therapy. Because Christian marriage counselors rely heavily on the use of the Family life cycle it might be important to reconsider the Family Life cycle and re-image it for the use in contemporary society (post Modern). With such a large portion of families now living in restructured, single-parent or multi-parent families, there might very well be a need to look at families in a new way. This subject would occupy a separate study Forgiveness and reconciliation The concept that, in marriage, the parties must always forgive each other unconditionally is drawn from the biblical concept of forgiveness, where we, as humans have received unconditional forgiveness from Christ. It can happen in Christian marriage counseling that the counselee is prompted to forgive the other person without any real changes to the environment of the marriage. 60

61 The marriage can still be an emotionally unsafe place for a person to be and live in, but these factors could be ignored or negated by the biblical instruction. The principle of forgiveness should perhaps not be applied blindly and rigidly, but should be part of the whole therapy at the appropriate time. In this way, complete healing can be obtained as well as forgiveness being received and given. This concept will receive further attention when the application of IRT is discussed Regressive work Wright (1981) says that Christians often reject the influence of the past on their lives, because they associate an emphasis upon the past with Freud s psychoanalytic approach. He continues to point out that unmet needs in childhood become frozen needs. These frozen needs are inevitable, and cannot be met in the present. He shows that some marriages can be hampered because the partners have been crippled by their past. These difficulties of the past need to be worked through. As the marriage continues, the partners naturally make more demands upon each other to have their needs met and see the partner as someone to be used. It can happen that a Christian is reluctant to look at childhood hurts and issues between himself and his/her parents because of the biblical instruction of Exodus 20. Exodus 20:12 12 Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.(niv) It might be possible that this belief can hamper a person and prevent him from looking at his own developmental process as a person and to identify the unresolved and uncompleted issues. This belief and reluctance to deal with past pain could be further strengthened by the interpretation of: 61

62 2 Corinthians 5:17 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (NIV). From this scripture Christians can deduce that, when Christ comes into your life through confession and acceptance, your past and the influence thereof will disappear completely. People could then believe that the past, (with it hurts, pains and damaging childhood) has been erased or least the effect thereof has been erased. A problem can occur when a person is in denial of his own emotional pains and unresolved emotional damage (or characterologically underdeveloped areas), because of a spiritual belief that he has been renewed as a person. It might be possible that this belief can hamper a person in his freedom and responsibility to look at his own developmental process as a person and to identify the unresolved and uncompleted issues. He can then spiritualize the problem, as well as his personality and character shortcomings and expect God to remove them, without going through the process of character building. When Christian counseling is applied by means of this view, it could lead to a denial of the true self and the feelings the person is experiencing, because of guilt created by Christian belief. In other words, if I have been truly made a new person by Jesus Christ then the past is in the past and I should not have these problems. This type of view seems to be more prevalent among the more charismatic and fundamentalist Christian counselors, who often regard prayer and laying on of hands to be sufficient. It might be worth noting that with some problems, you need a process rather than a moment of healing. This can be true, because character, behavior and relational problems develop over the period of a man s life and should be changed over a period of therapy. 62

63 It is however possible that the Holy Spirit can divinely heal old wounds instantaneously, but this can never override or separate the person from the fact that character building is a process, even in Christianity Pre-marital Preparation Pre-marital preparation seems to struggle with three hampering factors. The first is, that couples in love experience a feeling of invincibility in their relationship and are therefore not very open to learning new skills because they do not think they will need them. Second, most premarital preparation focuses on biblical value and principle teaching from the Bible and most Christians seems to feel they know this. Thirdly, most premarital preparations seem to focus on the major problems that most marriages experience. The couple often has no experience of these problems and therefore does not see them as relevant. It may be necessary to devise a new way of marital preparation for Christians.This should probably embody a process where the strengths of the relationship are used as starting points and communication and conflict resolving skills are taught to the couple Role Expectancy As discussed previous, a view whereby the woman is not an equal, or whereby one of them is superior to the other, will hamper healing and growth in the marriage. Any suggestion that partners are not equal before God will put one in an authority position above the other. This in turn will require that one will have more responsibility and authority, which will inevitably lead to the denial of some the aspects and feelings of the other person. Linked to the issue of equality is the issue of role expectancy in the marriage. It does not need to be proven that in every culture, certain roles are attributed to certain sexes in the marriage relationship. Some of these roles could indicate that one 63

64 party is considered to be of lessor value or status in the relationship for example: when household chores are considered woman s work. This is socially and culturally dictated. In Christian marriage counseling, this role expectancy could play an important role with regard to the effectiveness of the counseling. If a Pastor supports the view that certain roles are gender orientated or biblically designed, then it will influence his counseling guidance. When the woman in the couples counseling does not feel comfortable with these beliefs or does not support these biblical interpretations she could feel degraded and might even feel God discriminates against her being a woman. This fundamentalist thinking might often disregard an individual s longing to be valued. In my experience, most women do not support these archaic views, even though they are still widely professed in the church. It must be noted that the new Testament writing of the Bible does not make room for this archaic view and rather states that in Christ all creations are equal. 3.8 Tension Issues between biblical values and directives, and Modern marriage perceptions in Christian Marriage counseling The patriarchal cultural system in the Bible The Bible was written in and from a patriarchal culture and era. The predominant image from the Bible is that the man is the leader and authority figure in the family. The rights of women and children are dependant on the husband. In today s world, the whole way of looking at woman has changed. With women s rights movements and other liberating actions, women have entered most areas in society that were previously reserved for men. This has afforded them equal rights under Government law. It can be argued, when you look at the world as a whole, that the more advanced a nation has become in terms of development the more rights have 64

65 been afforded women. The contrary also seem to be true: the less developed a nation is, the more women are repressed and often oppressed. The question needs to be asked whether the biblical opinions expressed about women are culturally sensitive to the time and circumstances in which they were stated, or whether they are absolute biblical directives that are imperative to pleasing God and of importance to marital happiness. Attached to the issue of a patriarchal culture in the Bible, is the equality issue between men and women. It is the writers view, that the biblical views expressed about woman were culturally sensitive to the time of the Bible. When compared to the rest of the scripture it is clear that there are no distinctions before God. Even between slave and masters, God makes no distinction. It is therefore clear than any distinction we make between men and women is purely cultural. The counsellor must therefore make sure what the couple believes in this regard before he counsels them Equals Modern approaches to marriage counseling appear to favour the idea that for a modern-day marriage to be successful, partners need to be equals. There are, however, still cultures in our modern-day that distinguish between men and women regarding social status. Equality and submission can be viewed from different perspectives in the Bible. 65

66 In Christian circles there are differences in interpretation of equality in marriage. Some believe that the husband is placed in a more important and responsible position before God. From the biblical scriptures certain Christian writers argue, that the man is the head of the woman and therefore higher before God even if only with regard to responsibility. The culture in the world at the time of the writing of the New Testament seems to have had the point of view that men are superior to women. The Christian writer and teacher Bruce Wilkinson (1990) favours the position that women should submit to the husband in all areas. He proclaims that the biblical directive is that God has placed the man in an authority position, because of his gender. He states, that the wife must be husband orientated in her daily living. Gen 2:18 18 The LORD God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. ( NIV) Wilkinson (1990) interprets helper to mean that the woman should help the man with everything. The husband s wishes and needs should always be the first priority for the wife. This will create harmony and peace in the house. The wife should be husband-orientated. The writer is of the opinion that this type of approach is outcomes based, and that the aim is to create a living arrangement that will ensure some level of functionality. Some Christians try to find a way of relative peaceful family living, without allowing or seeking equality of people in the marriage relationship. This might be a very pragmatic way of handling relationships. It could also devalue the person of the woman and create the perception that God created her as a lesser being. 66

67 A problem might occur when a strongly individuated female is forced to deny her own identity and personality and become a person that fits in with her husband s perceptions. True self-development cannot then be attained. It might be said that in many marriages where there is some degree of fusion to the husband s personality, a part of the woman s being will be denied and disowned. This will inevitably lead to an unconscious power-struggle, for the true self to emerge. It is the writer s belief, that for people to be fully alive and growing they need to be seen and regarded as equals. Each should have equal contribution and responsibility in the relationship. The helpmeet God intended the woman to be, is probably the answer to the loneliness that a man experiences, when not emotionally connected to a significant other. We are created as relational beings and our inner desire is to be connected and to live in connection. Every man and woman carries the desire to be connected to another Becoming one - leaving and cleaving An understanding of the term becoming one might be important to erase possible conflict between modern-day thinking and biblical directives. Certain Christian approaches favour the interpretation of Matthew 19:5-6, that of two people becoming one. This should be interpreted that they are thinking alike, have the same value system, and desire the same things in life. Matthew 19:5-6 5 and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. (NIV) Genesis 2:24 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (NIV) 67

68 The Holy Spirit is sometimes involved as an agent who will establish this process. It is possible that this can lead to a fusion type of relationship in some Christian marriages. Fusion means that individuality is sacrificed and that the two individuals endeavour to be alike in their personalities. The writer believes that this could be detrimental to the individual s personal growth in relationships. The relationship will also not grow but become stuck in a process where each partner fights for his/her rights and needs. It must be of the utmost importance to have a clear view of the biblical comment the two will become one. To the writer, this scripture refers to the type of relationship one should have with the spouse. The spouse should become the significant other. The relationship of trust, sharing, growing and intimacy one has with the parent must move to the spouse. Space does not permit a full discussion of this notion. 4. Summary Christian counselling is an approach that would probably only appeal to people who are Christians or orientated to Christian beliefs. It has also become clear that there is a group of people in Christian circles who would only go to a Pastor for emotional and psychological help. People in this group show some reluctance to go to helping professionals who do not visibly associate themselves with Christianity or work from a Christian perspective. The approach of Christian Marriage appears to be more value-based, rather than being a specific technique or any therapeutic process. The Bible with its values, principles and directives, is held as the guiding tool for Christians. The counselling is therefore more of a lifestyle orientation than just mere 68

69 counselling. In all of the processes, the lifestyle that God dictates is what the aim and focus would be. God plays a major role in Christian marriage counselling through His involvement with the Holy Spirit and the Bible. The principle that marriage is a mirror of the relationship God has with people, is of major importance. Christian Marriage Counselling is not without its problems, or challenges, but seems to fulfil an important role in the helping professions. 69

70 Chapter 4 THE INTERACTION BETWEEN IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY AND CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELLING 4.1 How do the aims of IRT blend with the aims of Christian marriage counseling? IRT aims to create a safe space between the partners so that the individual can let go of defensive behaviors. It further aims to change the marriage to a relationship where the individual can grow as a person and heal from past emotional wounds. This is achieved by the use of certain techniques as explained earlier. Christian marriage counseling wishes to help the individual to understand the higher purpose of marriage. It uses a cognitive approach of biblical instruction and counseling to help the individual gain insight into destructive and unbiblical behavior. Through prayer and the working of God s spirit, it brings change. These aims can be seen to be in harmony with each other as they both aim to help the couple change. It must be noted that IRT is a systems-based approach that seems to steer away from pathology, and rather aims to enlighten the individual as to his/her role in marriage problems. In this regard, the two approaches can be mutually beneficial as Christian counseling also keeps the individual responsible for his/her own reactions and roles in marriage. 4.2 Departure points Value systems The IRT approach to marriage problems is focused on the developmental stages and developmental processes of the individual. It proposes that marriage problems are in part due to the underdeveloped individual s inability to contain (emotionally hold) the full person of another. It shows that individuals react to one another on an emotional level, which dictates and shapes their behaviour. It is a purely psychological 70

71 approach. There are elements of behavior therapy and various other processes woven into it. Christian marriage counseling proceeds from a biblical value base. The Bible is the foundation of the belief system. The principles of covenant, mirroring God s love and forgiveness, as well as honoring God through one s relationship is paramount. Systems Theory Christian marriage counseling also sees the marriage as a system created and instituted by God. The needs and personal opinions of the individual are subject to the higher call of marriage as explained elsewhere. IRT also uses a systems approach in that it is tries to change the space or system of the couple to become a healing environment. These two approaches might be complementary to each other and their possible interaction will now be discussed Notable differences between IRT and Christian marriage counseling Therapeutic processes Imago is a non-pathological approach and therefore does not try to identify and name the problems that occur within a specific couple. Rather it will allow the partners to discover their own patterns of disruptive behavior. It will then lead the couple through a series of processes that will help them change these patterns to eliminate and dissolve the disruptive problems. Christian marriage counseling, on the other hand, follows the pattern of most therapeutic processes where the therapist identifies the main problems of marriage strife between the couple. The Pastor or Counselor then recommends changes or advises the couple on the alterations they need to make. The Pastor or Counselor will typically then minister to the couple on the spiritual level in order to help them with their emotional and physical relationship. 71

72 Although the two approaches differ in process there is no incompatibility between the two, and they might be complementary towards each other. The use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling might be very beneficial when working with contemporary (post modern) people and people who are on the upper levels of leadership and self actualization (referred to as mosaic or level seven of human development). People moving in this type of environment do not like to be told what to do and might be reached more effectively through a mentoring process than through pathology process (Armour & Browning 2000: ). The systems theory will not be discussed here Maturity versus personal hurts As discussed in Chapter 3, maturity is an important aspect. Louw probably embodies the Christian view on immaturity when he says that immaturity in marriage and immaturity in the person, are critical factors in creating marital problems. He also argues that people adopt and assume wrong marriage roles because of immaturity. He says that the negative and destructive patterns of reaction in a relationship are always due to the person s own immature relationship with God, or personal immaturity (Louw 1985:32-35). Immaturity is then referred to as a negative character trait that needs to be adjusted by the individual after cognitive therapy, and a reprimand and re-emphasizing of the biblical directives. Confession and an expressed desire and promise to change is often associated with this approach. God is asked to help the person with this problem. The IRT approach would agree that immaturity is a major factor in marriage strife. Immaturity would be looked upon as the result of unfulfilled childhood needs and incomplete personal growth. The particular person might not have had the right environment (relationship with primary caretakers) in which to complete the personal development stages. These unfinished tasks, in each stage, then become frozen and the person has adapted his behavior to survive emotionally. These adaptations then become permanent behavior patterns of the adult individual. 72

73 The question that needs to be asked is: Are the wrong and destructive patterns of actions and reactions in a relationship referred to as immaturity, the signs and symptoms of an immature and un-differentiated person, rather than willful immaturity? Another question is, when does such behavior constitute sin? It can be argued that what is condemned as immaturity, is the adaptations of an undifferentiated person that became set patterns of wrong and destructive behavior. This idea might have specific relevance to marriage relationships. When a person is emotionally connected to another person (as in marriage), he will seek to finish his own undeveloped person and unconsciously press the significant other in his life to help him/her to heal from past pain and personal issues. When this person cannot or does not give him/her what he/she needs to complete this process, the person will react from an emotional level and negative reactive patterns might develop. The standard Christian approach about immaturity might sometimes be convicting rather than therapeutic, and therefore might foster a negative process of fusion between partners where one attaches or fuse to the other to make the marriage survive. Alternatively, this approach could lead to a negation of one partner s frustrations in an attempt to create harmony and obey biblical instruction. This could in turn develop guilt in the couple (for not being able to make the relationship work), without understanding the underpinnings of their behavior. Negative behavior often is a process of the psyche that cries for emotional safety and containment by a significant other, in order to facilitate personal healing and growth. Immaturity could then be seen, not as various undesirable behavioral patterns, but rather natural (undesirable) reactions to other people, performed by an immature and undifferentiated person. 73

74 When the focus is on problems, and negative problem behavior between the couple, (as is often the case in Christian marriage counseling), this view can easily be overlooked. The use of IRT in Christian Counseling can be an invaluable tool to facilitate the growth needed after revelation and identification of problems and negative behaviour in marriage. IRT can be used as a therapy process to change the atmosphere and dynamics of the interaction between the partners in a positive manner, and in so doing create a safe environment in which the individual persons can relax and let go of defensive habits (often referred to as immature behaviour) and focus on personal growth. This need not ignore the fact that negative behavior is condemned in Christian understanding, but will balance that as part of the healing and growth process Sin versus childhood wounds and adaptations In Chapter 3, sin is considered to be a major factor in marriage problems. An example of this is that, extramarital affairs are seen as a major sin that will destroy a Christian marriage and even validate divorce. Virkler (1992:9) shows through a study that there are ten main reasons why affairs happen in marriages. He points out that lust (which the Bible says is a sin) is seldom one of them. In his view, affairs usually happen because a partner feels disconnected from his/her spouse and finds emotional support and comfort from someone else. This sometimes leads to a romantic and often sexual affair. Bowen s theory of triangulation discussed elsewhere in this chapter supports this view. This strengthens the concept of IRT that an affair is a search for connection and an exit out of an unhappy relationship. In the view of IRT, people adapt to emotional pain such as childhood wounds (discussed in chapter 2), rejection, neglect and abuse. They then progress into adaptative behavior in order to survive what they perceive in 74

75 the unconscious as life-threatening situations. These adaptations become patterns in their life. As the example of affairs shows, Christian marriage counseling often seems to find itself pointing out the sin that a person is doing (for example, having an affair), but is unable to explain the deeper psychological reasons for the need behind such behavior. Adams is seen to be a particular strong voice in this regard. The SIN that a person in a marriage is committing is often a symptom, or a reaction, to a deeper emotional pain and unfulfilled natural human desires. It can also be seen as a way of getting the other s attention focused on the problem. The words used by Virkler (1992:16) could be a good summary of the interaction that should occur between Christian counseling and psychotherapy, As believers we cannot condone the sinful sexual acting out of Christians with histrionic, narcissistic, or borderline behavior. Yet we also should be aware that their personality development may be traced to factors other than personal sinfulness alone. One does not want to condone sinful behavior (such as affairs) as acceptable. The biblical standards of living should be adhered to and counselors should not be afraid to point that out. From a Christian counselor perspective, there might be a void in the program of IRT when working with wrong, destructive or sinful behavior. There is great personal healing, responsibility and growth in the asking and receiving of forgiveness from God. This act removes the guilt feeling and allows the person to start afresh. It is clear that Christian counselors often leap to the conclusion of sinful behavior and focus on that as the problem. Although this might be justified from a Christian perspective, it can miss the underlying reason and needs of that person as an individual. 75

76 By finding a harmony between the two approaches, where the person can ask forgiveness when he/she has taken ownership of his behavior, the counselor might well be able to stop projection and blaming for behavior as well as removing the guilt Feelings, wrong behavior and the belief system There might be some conflict between IRT and Christian marriage counseling in the area of behavior and feelings. IRT holds the view that feelings (good or bad) are neither wrong nor right. Feelings are rather a natural result or response by the individual to connection or disconnection with another person. It is not the feeling that must cognitively be changed by the individual, but rather the context of the living space or the marriage environment. The unchristian actions such as dishonoring and discarding of the true experiences of a partner, are the things that must be changed. When the marriage context changes, connection on emotional spiritual and cognitive level will happen and the feelings will develop and change accordingly. It is the writer s belief that if one follows the problem or issue approach, the list will be never-ending. The focus in marriage work should rather be centered on the personality of the individual, looking at the individual s belief system, life views, selfimage and interpersonal skills. These might be keys in learning to handle the issues of life and marriage, as opposed to evaluating and making a clinical assessment of the person and his behavior. Because an Imago Therapist is more of a coach (guide) than a counselor or teacher, it might be important to look at the concept of instruction. From a Christian counselor s perspective, it might be imperative to counsel the person from the Bible when the counselor discovers that the person might have a wrong or unchristian belief system that could influence his /her thinking or behavior in a negative way. Care would have to be taken by the counselor in this process. The counselor could easily transfer his own personal interpretations and personal issues onto the counselee, or run the risk of being triangulated into the relationship. 76

77 Although the writer believes in biblical instruction, he would rather advise that the couple use the dialogue technique and discuss their views to develop their belief system. The counselor could lead them to ask the Holy Spirit of God to be a guide in this process, and could lead them with the correct (inspired) sentence stems to find the truth Forgiveness and reconciliation In the previous chapter, the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation in Christian counseling has been discussed. The concept that in marriage, the parties must always forgive each other unconditionally is drawn from the biblical concept of forgiveness, where we, as humans, have received unconditional forgiveness from Christ. It can happen in Christian marriage counseling that the counselee is prompted to forgive the other person without any real changes to the environment of the marriage. The marriage can still be an emotionally unsafe place for a person to be and live in, but these factors could be negated by biblical instruction. When the unconscious survival and protective instincts (that God has given us to help us survive emotionally), is not taken into account when forgiveness is dealt with, the problem can recur. The couple can feel forced to forgive each other, disregarding the concepts of inner pain and frustration. If change is not a feasible option, the person would feel compelled to forgive, knowing instinctively that he/she will be hurt again in the trapped environment. If someone is acting from a position of pain, that pain must be resolved by changing the environment of the relationship when forgiveness is introduced as an instruction. It could happen that the Christian act of forgiveness becomes a mere overriding and negating of the pain and inner wounding. Thus a person can be ignoring and disowning his own pain and emotional hurt because of his strong value system (based on the Bible). Such a person acts according to what he/she believes to be the right thing to do. 77

78 Where would this unresolved pain, anger and resentment go? It is most likely that it will be pushed into the unconscious to later manifest as sickness or other psychological behavior. Most often, desperation and resentment grows from these conditions. However, the value of the biblical act of forgiveness cannot and should not be denied. In my view the two should go hand in hand. Mere forgiveness without the hope of change will lead to desperation and the feeling of being trapped. On the other hand, without the act of forgiving, the trespasses and guilt from the past will be a ghost that influences the present. It is important for humans to deal with the past. The act of forgiveness has a healing value. It might also be important to note that no marriage can be fixed. Because it comprises humans, there will always be a need to forgive. Nobody is perfect. Forgiveness should therefore be taught as a lifestyle. IRT says in this regard that a marriage is a growth process, the therapy and a journey. The counselor will do well to teach the partners to handle their conflict, resolve their pain and learn to forgive each other on a continual basis. This will be in line with the biblical belief that God forgives humans for their wrongful behavior on a continual basis. The value of the act of forgiveness will be discussed again when harmony between IRT and Christian counseling is discussed Regressive work The therapeutic part of IRT is built on regressive work. The processes are designed to help the individual understand his own childhood environment and personal adaptations thereto. Chapter 3, has shown that some Christians might be reluctant to do regressive work because of biblical beliefs and interpretations. 78

79 Christian counselors themselves might have reservations about regressive work with a client as a result. It might be important for a Christian marriage counselor to understand the theories of attachment and differentiation, as well as the influence of childhood experiences, in order to help the counselee find healing within his faith. Although IRT and Christian marriage counseling might seem to differ on this approach there can be great harmony. A person can for example discover his wrong (undesirable) behavior adaptations because of childhood hurts and then confess the sinful or unbiblical behavior that he has fallen into. To look at childhood hurts and deficits in the childrearing process is then not to blame the parents but to take responsibility for who you are. This process of responsibility is in service of growth. This might put the person into a place where he is able to grow characterologically because of the fact that Christ has made him a new person. The processes of IRT therefore seem to be specifically beneficial in facilitating inner healing, without the need for the counselee to spend time with the parents in therapy to heal the past Equality This subject might reguire further discussion, because when one person is not seen as an equal in a relationship the concepts of individuation and differentiation (discussed elsewhere) will be severely hampered. As shown in Chapter 3, there are some Christian counselors who hold that God has created us in specific gender roles and positions. Some of these roles do not give true recognition to the idea that both parties in a relationship are equals. IRT approaches marriage and relationships as a relationship of equals, and holds that no real progress can be made until marriage is viewed as such. 79

80 When IRT is used in Christian marriage counseling, it will automatically foster individuation and separation. Equality will be a natural outflow of these processes. If there is an underlying belief that people are not equals, tension within the marriage will increase because of the therapy. The counselor himself will become uncomfortable if he supports this belief. This can be a source of conflict between IRT and Christian marriage counseling, if the counselor departs from the point of view that the partners are not equal. The Counselor will have to establish his own personal views and that of his clients, if IRT is to be considered as a technique. 4.4 Areas of harmony and enhancement Ministering and prayer It is possible that IRT is deficient in the area of ministering to the couple. IRT holds that the therapist is a coach that does not enter the space between the partners, and rather facilitates the processes between them. This entails that the therapist never directly intervenes or directs the couple into a preconceived place or belief. No bond of healing forms between the therapist and client, as in psychotherapy or many other forms of therapy. The healing and growth come from the bond that is formed between the couple. The short-coming of this is that the therapist might never get an opportunity to address wrong behavior or patterns but only guides the couple in this discovery. He then never directs, reprimands or corrects the individual. The writer believes that the Christian concept of ministering through prayer and scripture is a powerful tool in Christian counseling, as it brings God and His power into the process. A Christian counselor who uses Imago as a tool, should lead the partners to minister to each other in prayer after counseling, or at the end of each session. Couples can also be asked individually to pray for themselves in the presence of the partner. In addition couples could ask God to help them with decisions and changes decided 80

81 upon during therapy. The counselor could then also minister to them in prayer after they have made their discoveries. This will strengthen the marriage as a place of healing, and create a pattern where the partners can minister to each other without the presence of a therapist/ Pastor Forgiveness IRT can probably be used as a powerful tool when the marriage partners rediscover their own contributions to marital strife. The IRT process of the making amends dialogue can be an excellent tool to help an individual in a relationship, to own his contributions to marriage difficulties. This tool will help the couple to absorb wrong behaviour towards each other, but at the same time facilitate healing and bringing the couple emotionally closer together. My suggestion is that the counsellor should, after doing the IRT making amends dialogue, lead the sender (the one owning the wrong behaviour) to ask forgiveness from God in the presence of the counsellor and partner. He/she could also ask God to guide him in the changes he/ she wants to make Being an example of Christ s love and forgiveness By the use of IRT safe-space creation, the couple can re-create the safety that exits for the individual with God. The space with God is the place where you can just be with God who you really are (without pretending) and get His guidance and direction to develop. The Christian concept that in marriage the couple should recreate the forgiveness of God can be enhanced by the use of IRT. When the couple creates a safe place for each other, through the dialogue processes and the safety concepts, they will be able to mirror God s forgiveness to each other. This will help them to grow to fullness. They will also create a safe haven for their children to live in, and experience God s forgiveness and grace through their parents. 81

82 4.4.4 Becoming each other s healer and safe place The Biblical concept that a man must be willing to die for his wife and submit to her needs and desires (as discussed previously) applies. The unconscious desire of every person is to grow and be all of that which God has made that person to be. In normal relationships we are guided by our unconscious desire to be accepted. The fear of rejection governs our thinking, with the hope of fulfilling the unconscious expectation of the partner. When the individual can let go of the unconscious desire to be all that the other person wants them to be, he/she can show their true self. When one is freed from the fear of rejection, one will be able to explore what God wants one to be. Through IRT, Christian counsellors can help married Christians to develop their relationship into a safe haven where the individual can explore all the possibilities of personal growth and development. In such an ideal environment, the person will be able to heal and outgrow all emotional blockages, and unlock all of what God has put in them. This will be possible if the person is in a relationship where there is no fear of being rejected when he/she explores and reveals all that is within them. The use of IRT can then help the counsellor not only to correct problems in marriage, but to direct it on a new path of growth and development. Another aspect that could be considered is that of spiritual growth. A person needs to relate his spiritual experiences to another to be able to integrate them as part of his/her being and patterns. IRT can be used as a tool to help the couple become such a safe haven where the partners can explore their faith and spiritual growth, in and through dialogue Communication It was shown previously that all Christian counselors regard good communication as imperative to having a successful relationship. Almost all regard the lack of, or poor communication, as the principal cause of marital strives. 82

83 It has been argued that humans are relational beings. We get hurt and healed in relationships. Communication is the major tool through which we relate and all other methods becomes secondary. It therefore makes sense to spend the majority of counseling time in teaching the couple this skill. In Christian counseling, however, couples are taught how to communicate with each other in a way that will be biblical, and to show the respect that the bible says we should have for each other. This is a value based approach, which appears to have the underlying belief that, if you communicate in a biblical way it will help you. As shown in Chapter 3, the biblical principles of always speaking the truth, not harboring resentment, not venting anger in a damaging way, and communicating in a way that embodies and honours the biblical principles for living are held up as keys to successful communication. This statement is supported with the words of Louw, that communication is an exchange of faith values through the working of the Holy Spirit, and not just a technique that partners can learn. He says: we are called to communicate ( Louw 1983:89). However, communication is not simply an exchange of values but in essence a skill and technique. This principle has been proven by the business world, which spends endless amounts of money in teaching staff to communicate effectively. From the writer s experience in private practice and as shown in case studies, effective communications techniques will bring the couple closer. When partners have mastered a specific technique of communication their values and beliefs will be exchanged. IRT has an excellent tool to offer in the basic couple dialogue, one that will give Christian counselors a tool to help the partners communicate. 83

84 This tool will then facilitate healing, growth and understanding for each other, because lack of communication has been erased as a problem factor. This subject will receive further attention later, when applications are considered. 4.5 The dynamics of being one in Christ in marriage and facilitating personal growth A significant area of enhancement between IRT and Christian counselling is in the area of understanding and fostering the process of personal individuation while building the marriage as a unity of two people (individuals) before God Becoming one - leaving and cleaving The Christian concept of unity in marriage is very strong. It is possible that in some Christian circles, fusion (negative union) between the partners is encouraged by the concept of being one in marriage. The writer s counseling experience has shown that, based on Matthew 19:5-6 the two will become one, many Christian couples believe, that a union with a Godappointed life partner, will complete their own person. Matthew 19:5-6 5 And said, for this reason a man will leave his father and mother, and be united to his wife: and the two will become one flesh? 6 so they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.(niv) Genesis 2:24 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.(king James) 84

85 This point is illustrated by the popular way people refer to their partners as their other half or better half. It appears that Christians favour the interpretation of Matthew 19:5-6 ( two people becoming one) to be interpreted that they are thinking alike, have the same value system, desire the same things in life and generally agree on everything. This underlines the widely accepted belief that a happy marriages is a marriage where people are similar and alike. The Holy Spirit is sometimes brought in as an agent who will establish this process of unity. Christians seem to interpret this concept to mean that God has designated one perfect person in the world that will complete the person of the other. The personalities and abilities of the individuals will then be complementary and will enhance the other. This again can lead to a fusion type of relationship in some Christian marriages. In a fused relationship, one partner disappears. In such relationships, the unconscious desire to be separate is hampered by the longing to belong, and to be accepted into a relationship where one can grow. People do not always consciously understand that they need to be separate in a safe and connected environment. On an unconscious level, this creates a power-struggle between the partners, where each of them will fight to be accepted, while longing to be seen as an individual. Bowen refers to this as the process of differentiation by an individual within a family. A person with a high level of differentiation of self, or identity, or individuality, is one who can be emotionally close to others without emotional fusions or loss of self, or loss of identity, because he has attained a higher level of differentiation of self. (Bowen 1978:109). Bowen has shown that most people have some undeveloped tasks of individuation. Because of this, a person will look to the other (significant person) in their life for 85

86 significance, value and validation. Individuation is the process of becoming an individual who is aware of his or her individuality (Reber 1995). Individuation is described by Aylmer (1986: 145) as Independent functioning and responsibility for one s own behaviour. Imago sees this as the unconscious of an individual identifying the other person as a person with the same developmental deficiencies but with complementary adaptations, and thus longs for it (this is referred to as the disowned and denied self). An understanding of the term becoming one might be important to facilitate interaction between IRT as a personal growth tool in relationships and biblical directives. The Imago approach, drawing from the theories of Bowen, proposes that marital happiness can occur when individuation and differentiation occurs within the individual. Couples therefore marry a person with the same level of differentiation and are to a lesser or greater degree fused with the other in early marriage. (Bowen 1978:109) It seems that individuation and differentiation, have become important aspects of individual counselling, and might be important for successful mature relationships. The biblical concept of being one therefore is not to fuse with another, but to connect on a level where you can live in one marriage, one household, and one set of values to create an environment for the raising of children. Being one is to connect emotionally, spiritually and physically to another person, who has become your significant other. 86

87 4.5.2 Individuation and differentiation Separateness and closeness have been established as a problem area when one examines the relationship as a system. Bowen s theories, that problematic families are families who are stuck together emotionally, might be important when we examine Christian marriage counseling. Bowen defines problems as disorders of the emotional system of the individual, manifested in the systems an individual finds himself in. Some of the ways that an emotional system manifests itself are through triangulation, family projection and multi-generational transmission. Triangulation In short, triangulation means that in a relationship the couple will co-opt a third party into the dyad and put pressure on the third party to act out a role that will perpetuate and stabilize the two-person system. Often, the counselor will be triangulated by the couple into a role that perpetuates the problem. If the counselor resists these pulls, and forces the couple to keep the problem between them, it will help the partners to differentiate from each other and other family members. Differentiation Differentiation means that a person can distinguish between feeling processes and intellectual processes (Worthington, 1989: 335). Differentiation can also be described as the process of becoming emotionally independent. It includes the ability to express one s own opinions and feelings while at the same time listening to others and remaining emotionally connected (Wright 1998:40). In a relationship, this means that the intellect is governing the emotional system of the couple. 87

88 Projections Projection is when one person experiences feelings and then project these feelings onto others around him. This is due to a lack of personal insight and ability to take ownership for personal negative feelings. Family projections, as theorized by Bowen, are ways that a family system creates symptomology in a child. Family of origin difficulties, unresolved by parents, results in parent-child relations that are either over-involved (either through criticism or smothering) or characterized by emotional cut-off. Psychological or behavioral symptoms of the child maintain the disturbed parent-child relationship and prevent the parents from resolving their family-of origin issues (Worthington 1989:334). Application to Christian marriage counseling It is possible that when people become adults and they have not resolved their triangulation patterns of the childhood environment, they will recreate those patterns in their own families. It also seems that the lower families are on the intellectual and developmental level, the more fused and symbiotic they are. They repeat these patterns in their own marriages and families. Couples who have not been able to complete the processes of differentiation and individuation will inevitable fuse with their marriage partner to some degree. They will then be unconsciously frustrated by that partner. This can happen because they will project the feelings of unworthiness and incompleteness on their partner and blame their partner s behavior and marriage conduct as the source of their own frustrations. In Christian marriage counseling, it is therefore quite likely that the values of being one in Christ and being one in faith could unintentionally enhance those unconscious feelings of a loss of self in the individual who is already struggling with this. This can result in the person building up an unconscious resentment towards Christianity as a force which perpetuated the loss of self through the values promoted. 88

89 It might therefore be very important in Christian marriage counseling first to develop a sense of self and a sense of individual importance to God, before attempting to introduce the values of being one in Christ. The person must therefore first find himself in God, before he can connect with another in a covenant relationship in Christ. It seems clear that in order for a person to be successful in relationships, each individual first has to learn to be separate from others and be happy with him/herself. One has to learn to be integrated and grounded in one s own relationship with God. Then one can connect with another person and allow him/her to be, and allow oneself to be. Differences and conflicts of actions, opinions, values and approaches do not separate us, but rather give s us opportunities to appreciate this separateness. This gives one the ability to connect with another in that person s uniqueness. A major aim in the techniques and therapy processes of IRT is to force separateness and individuation in the couple. Connection is then fostered from this place of strength. The techniques of IRT can be used in Christian marriage counseling to establish a sense of self. They can be used to help the person clarify his personal faith in God and establish a sense of self and personal security, through the dialogue process. From this place of personal strength, the person can then connect to the marriage partner as an individual who knows what he/she believes and why. The processes of Imago can facilitate the forming of a true self identity, and divine purpose for the individual, within the marriage, without destroying the biblical directives for marriage. This can be achieved by letting the person speak about his faith, beliefs, purpose and identity in a controlled situation, while being held emotionally by the marriage partner through mirroring techniques. The Holy Spirit can be invited by the individual, through prayer, to help the individual to discover God s will and purpose while he/ she is exploring. 89

90 It is then possible to develop divine purpose and guidance for the marriage through the use of the relationship vision building techniques of IRT. The following sentence stems could possibly be used by the counselor in such a dialogue: What I believe about How that influence my relationship with you is. 4.6 Interaction between IRT and Christian Marriage counselling with regard to personal growth In the child phase of life, one exist s in relationship with the parent who is the significant other. In relationship with this person, one goes through the developmental stages of childhood and develops a sense of self in that intimate and safe relationship. Through the years of childhood, one develops from a fused (attached) relationship to being a separate and integrated individual. When one marries, that person must become the significant other in one s life. This embodies the biblical concept of leaving your mother and father and clinging to your spouse. This significant other person should then fulfil the role of being a safe place for you, so you can be who you are and develop yourself. You therefore must leave you parents and cling to your spouse, in order to become one. This must not be a process of fusion but a relationship of healing where differentiation and personal growth is facilitated through the relationship. People select spouses who have identical basic levels of differentiation of self. When the well-differentiated person marries a spouse with an equally high level of differentiation of self, the spouses are able to maintain clear individuality, and at the same time to have a comfortable non-threatening emotional closeness with each other (Bowen 1978:108). The IRT aim of developing maturity, promoting a space for differentiation and individuation is therefore and excellent tool to use in Christian marriage counseling. It will enhance the idea that every individual is responsible for his/her own life before God. It will also help the couple to understand that the marriage is given by God as a gift to help one to grow and heal and not as the rescue for personal incompleteness. 90

91 It is important to note that IRT then sees a marriage not as something than can or should be fixed, but rather that marriage is the therapy. Christian marriage counseling could therefore harmoniously use IRT to change the marriage from a place where the individual seeks fulfillment from the partner to a relationship where the individual sees his/ her partner as the God-appointed healer. The partner then moves from the object of frustration to the place of partner in growth and healing Covenant The strong concept of covenant in a marriage can be in harmony with IRT. In Christian counseling, the concept of covenant goes a lot further than the concept of an unbreakable bond. It should always embody the full covenant concept as given between God and mankind. The concept of covenant means that we are bonded to each other as protector and helpmeet. When in this covenant one sees the other person s need for healing, and one should reach out and help. In this way you will mirror man s covenant with God. IRT can enhance this idea through the proposal that the marriage becomes the therapy. One enlists the help of one s partner and the safety of one s relationship as tools to facilitate one s own healing and growth. Instead of the partner being somebody who demands his/her rights in the relationship, this person becomes your safe place and the one who creates a healing environment for you. In this process the partner will develop empathy for the other. He will become the other s healer. This will blend with the biblical concept of the marriage covenant, that the individual must and should feel safe with his/her marriage covenant partner and that we should be each other s helpmeet. 91

92 Ephesians 5:21 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (NIV) The interpretation of Ephesians could be that we must submit to each other s needs, just as Christ submitted to our need of having to be saved. In the same way individuals in marriage must be willing to submit to each other s need. In this regard, a man should be willing to die for his wife and a woman must be willing to live for her husband (Adams 1983). There appears to be harmony with IRT in this regard, as the aim of IRT is that partners must become each other s helper in the process of healing and growth. As the partners help each other and they grow personally, the individual will become stronger and therefore the value of covenant becomes greater. Imago can enhance this concept by fostering individuation The role of the Pastor as Christian counselor and IRT Triangulation Kerr and Bowen (1988: ) argue that triangulation is a natural process of systems, in that a dyad will always triangulate a third person in to re-establish the balance or equilibrium in the dyad. This triangle forms when the tension between the couple becomes too intense or too distant. This is of significance for relationship therapy in that it is possible that many Christian counselors allow themselves to become part of the triangle of the couple. The counselor is invariably drawn in as a religious expert that must give spiritual and marital guidance to the couple. He becomes the expert who must fix their relationship problems and personal issues. He feels their pain and supports them from his natural role as Pastor and counselor. This will make him part of their triangle. The techniques taught by Imago can be of great help for Christian marriage counselors in that the therapist moves from an expert, to the role of a guide or coach. 92

93 The couple must work on their own relationship and take responsibility for it. They are constantly forced by the therapist to take personal responsibility for their feelings and actions. Whenever one of the parties involves the therapist, requesting his opinion or advice, he could mirror the question and direct the other partner to answer the question. By not becoming part of the triangle (emotionally and therapeutically) the therapist actually de-triangulates the partners and forces them to form a strong dyad. This may feel emotionally wrong for the therapist, but by not becoming part of their process he forces them to emotionally contain each other, because he as the therapist does not contain them. This will result in an emotional connection between them. The emotional problem between two people will resolve automatically if they remain in contact with a third person who can remain free of the emotional field between them, while actively relating to each (Bowen 1971:196). It needs to be said that couples who have uncompleted attachment issues may not benefit from the use of IRT in Christian counseling and will need to be contained and supported by the therapist/counselor until their attachment development has been completed to such an extent that they can acknowledge the needs of the other and contain them Coach versus minister As discussed earlier, IRT might lack in the area of ministry to the couple. Christian counseling might lack in the area of method. A Pastor/Counselor using IRT will then have to be very conscious of these differences in approach and techniques. He will have to learn to switch between a coach and minister. 93

94 4.7.3 Beliefs and departure points As shown earlier, Christian counseling appears to show some differences in the interpretation and application of certain biblical expressions. The Pastor or therapist will therefore have to be mindful of his own opinions as well as those of the counselees. He needs to be aware that people s opinions and beliefs will influence their thinking and actions. A balance should come between his own interpretations linked to his role as expert and Pastor, and that of his role as therapist who guides and mentors the couple. 4.8 Conclusion After examination, it appears that IRT and Christian marriage counseling both have areas of deficiency. IRT is a psychological approach and Christian marriage counseling is a biblical approach. IRT is void of personal ministry by the counselor to the couple or the individuals in the marriage. This is in order to prevent triangulation and to force the couple to form a strong dyad. The counselor also does not direct the counseling process in a specific direction but allows it to develop where the couple leads. Christian marriage counseling, on the other hand, seems to lack in the area of process. The aim seems to be focused on the desired results, rather than the processes of how to get there. Christian marriage counseling starts with the desired end result and uses biblical instruction and God s help to change the couple. It seems possible and desirable to use IRT in Christian marriage counseling. The aims of IRT and Christian marriage counseling appear to be similar in that both aim to restore the pattern of relationship within the couple. If Christian marriage counselors are looking for a therapeutic model to apply in their ministry, IRT might be a useful tool. 94

95 Chapter 5 THE APPLICATION OF IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY IN A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELLING PRACTICE 5.1 Introduction Christian counselors can use IRT in Christian marriage counseling. The aims are similar and complementary as shown in the previous chapter. If IRT is to be used in Christian marriage counseling, certain aspect s needs to be taken into account. The counselor will have to clarify his own opinion and position on these aspects. I will now discuss a few application factors and conclusions before making recommendations. 5.2 IRT and Spiritual Ministry Faith Therapy and ministry should be seen as complementary to each other and cannot be substituted for each other. Because IRT is not a religious approach and is void of any opinionated statements, teaching or even any religious processes, it can safely be implemented in Christian counseling. IRT does not oppose any faith principles or biblical instructions. In this regard, IRT can be used by the Christian counselor as an invaluable tool to reestablish connection and intimacy between partners, on a romantic love basis rather than only on a spiritual basis. The counselor can ask God s guidance and help through prayer at the start of the therapy or even at the beginning of every session, and then use the IRT processes. When the connection between the couple has been re-instated, the Counselor will again be able to minister to the couple in the traditional Christian way and bring God s power, grace and guidance into the process. 95

96 In this way, the couple will understand that it is not God or their faith that will magically make the marriage work. They will understand that they can call on God through their faith in Him to help them grow and overcome their shortcomings, mistakes and incompetence. Faith in God then becomes a source from which they draw strength, power and encouragement to do what the Bible requires, rather than giving God the responsibility to fix them and the relationship Forgiveness As discussed previously, forgiveness is an important factor in Christian counseling. In the Christian view, IRT may be deficient in this regard because it proceeds from another paradigm and does not have a planned opportunity for forgiveness. When a partners have inflicted hurt, pain and emotional wounds upon each other, they can start the inner healing process by asking forgiveness from each other in God s presence and then ask forgiveness from God through prayer, in each other s presence. Introducing the principles of giving and receiving forgiveness, can enhance the change, that the therapist wants to bring about. It will add the dimensions of a relationship with God and how the relationship with your spouse influences your relationship with God. Giving forgiveness is empowering and liberating as well as being a spiritual act that will bring inner freedom and healing for the individual. More detailed application will be discussed later when the IRT process of making amends dialogue is discussed. 5.3 Communication as prerequisite. Communication has been shown to be absolutely central to happy relationships. It has been shown that we are relational beings, and that we express this relational character to each other through communication. 96

97 Verbal communication is the major tool through which we relate and all other methods are secondary. It therefore makes sense to spend the majority of counseling time in teaching the couple this skill. The IRT basic tool called the couples dialogue (discussed in chapter 2) is the critical key to applying IRT in Christian counseling. This tool facilitates many of the aims of IRT (as shown previously). It seems impossible to apply IRT in Christian counseling if this tool is omitted or only partly used. The application of the basic couple s dialogue will be discussed later in this chapter. 5.4 The role of the Pastor or Counselor and the use of IRT As shown earlier, the role of the Pastor becomes a critical factor in counseling. When the Christian counselor or Pastor uses IRT in his counseling process, he will probably need to make some adjustments to his role in the counseling. When using IRT it will be important for the Pastor or Counselor to separate himself from the space between the couple. He will have to become the guide that leads them in the process of reconnection. He must emotionally and consciously understand that the couple s pattern and the dynamics between them becomes the therapy process. It is paramount for him to understand that healing does not occur in the therapeutic process between him and the couple, but between the partners themselves. He then becomes more of a coach and mentor than one who ministers. In this regard, he will need to focus more on leading the couple than ministering to them. For example, he will rather ask the couple to pray for each other and guide them in the details of that prayer, than pray for them himself, as is the normal practice in Christian counseling. 97

98 5.5 Guidelines for the use of IRT in Christian Counseling Probably all IRT techniques can be used in Christian marriage counseling. Some of the techniques can be adapted to include an opportunity for the individual to relay his learning to his spiritual roots and biblical guidelines Basic Couples dialogue One of the aims with the IRT mirroring process is that when one party of the couple mirrors the other and really makes room for understanding that person, empathy will develop within the listener for his/her partner. If, during the dialogue process, either the sender or receiver comes to the realization that they might have hurt their partner unintentionally and empathy has developed, the counselor can direct the next step. It will be very beneficial if the counselor could lead the sender into a next process where he could apologize or make amends for behavior and unintentional wounding of the other person. It could also be beneficial if the counselor leads to sender or receiver in a confession and forgiveness prayer, if he/she has acknowledged unbiblical, harmful or destructive behavior. This appears to be an area of lack in IRT, in that there is not always an opportunity for correcting past hurts and mistakes immediately after discovery. Usually a follow-up appointment, using the making amends dialogue is advised Guided Visualization Guided imagery is an excellent tool, to discover unmet and unfulfilled childhood needs and developmental areas. This tool can be used under the guidance and presence of the Holy Spirit. Healing from past wounds and childhood pain will probably happen more rapidly if the Holy Spirit is invited to be a part of the process. The aim of IRT with guided visualization is that one discovers one s childhood and past pain and then one may share it with one s partner in the Parent -child dialogue. 98

99 The healing for the individual then comes in the process of being held by a loving partner while reliving the past pain. The Holy Spirit can be asked through prayer to assist and guide the individual, in this process. The Holy Spirit can reveal the areas of pain in the individual during the visualization and be a source of comfort and strength. However the counselor should be conscious of the fact that the couple s marriage is the therapeutic space. He must ensure that the healing takes place in that environment with the help of the Holy Spirit. The aim of the process is to restore connection between the partners. The healing of childhood wounds is used as a method to create empathy in the partners while simultaneously helping them to understand that the childhood wounds dictate their relationship dynamics. The Christian counselor should then be careful not to only focus on the individual s inner healing process (as is usually the case), but to put it in service of the relationship Making amends dialogue Once the couple has mastered the technique of dialogue, they can use the making amends dialogue technique to own wrongful behavior. This not only puts past hurts in the past, but brings an element of healing to the hurt individual because it is done in connection. The relationship itself heals from the destructive past, because ownership is taken by the offending partner. The mirroring partner gives non- offensive validation to the willingness and motivation of the confessing partner. A possible shortcoming in IRT is the process of forgiving. Although the partner owns his damaging behavior and apologizes for it, there is no opportunity for receiving forgiveness and to be acquitted. The partner would rather validate the desire for the sender s repentance. When IRT is used in Christian counseling, this dimension should be added. 99

100 After the basic making amends dialogue, the counselor could ask the receiving partner whether he/she is able and ready to forgive. If the person is able and ready he/she could start a new dialogue by saying, I forgive you for. The partner will mirror. The counselor can deepen the healing by introducing a sentence stem like and How forgiving you will help me heal is This dialogue can then be followed by a confessing prayer to God in the presence of the partner and the counselor. This can add another dimension to healing. The Holy Spirit should also be invited to assist the couple on an individual basis to grow in their maturity Full container The full container is a process where the sender is allowed to vent all frustrations, feelings of anger and resentment in an uninhibited way, to facilitate the venting of cramped up emotions and resentments. This technique should perhaps not be used by Christian marriage counselors because it might be in opposition to the biblical guidelines of respect and honoring of one s partner as God s creation. The venting of frustrations in such a way might do more damage to the relationship space than healing it could bring for the individual. It is possible that this technique can promote the original pattern of power-struggle within the couple. It might also strengthen the pattern of projection that was at the base of relationship problems. When the pain of an individual is so strong that it arrests the progress of the relationship counseling, it is advisable that the individual first goes for individual therapy to deal with the intensity of the pain. The person can then bring his experience back into the couple s therapy and tell the partner about his/ her experience in a controlled mirroring dialogue, which should then create empathy within the offending partner. The normal process of making amends and the recommended forgiveness process (as discussed elsewhere) can then be resumed. 100

101 5.3.4 Use of the behavior Change request technique The BCR is a technique where the sender shares frustration regarding the behavior of the other. The purpose of this exercise is to discover why the behavior of the other creates a frustration in the self. This is then relayed to childhood memory and pain. The receiver then makes behavior changes to facilitate the healing of the other. The BCR dialogue can successfully be adapted, to change from projecting one s frustrations onto the partner, to owning one s behavior. The sender will be prompted to say: One behavior I do that I know hurts you/ our relationship is. The same result has been achieved with the added advantage of the sender owning his contributions in the marriage. It needs to be noted that a level of safety must have been returned to the relationship for this process to be changed. There is then also ample opportunity for the sender to ask God s help and the help of the partner in changing these behaviors. This can be done through prayer at the end of the dialogue The Cosmic journey It is possible that some Christian counsellors might not agree with the concept of the cosmic journey as taught in IRT meta-theory i.e. that everything in the universe is connected and influences each other. In the meta-theory composition of Imago, the concept that the world is energy and is pulsating together is widely accepted. This energy affects everyone because it is all connected in one universe. When people in relationships influence one another s state of relaxed joyfulness, and upset it, some people tend to become quiet and hold in their energy (Minimizers) and others expand their energy (Maximizers). The Theory of Imago, that we are energy pulsating and wanting to find a state of relaxed joyfulness, might well be correct. I also agree that people do tend either to minimize or maximize their energy in a relationship. What also needs to be noted is that people are in essence spiritual beings and are created relational beings. A state of relaxed joyfulness can probably only be achieved 101

102 if one finds a relationship with another, in which one can be one s true created self. This is motivated by the fact that we can only heal and develop in relationship, as discussed in Chapter 2. The quest for finding the original state of relaxed joyfulness is two fold. Firstly, one must find one s original wholeness with God by also restoring one s relationship with God. One needs a relationship with God, in which one can live without the condemnation of guilt associated with sin and unbiblical behaviour. Secondly, the concept of marriage is God s design. He designed marriage as a safe space for a person to live in, be connected to another, and really be and explore all of who he/she is. To restore one s original state of relaxed joyfulness, one therefore needs to be connected to God and connected to another human being. Both these relationships should be safe. The Christian counsellor would do well to keep both these relational objectives (regarding safety) in mind, as desire results. Both are equally important when looking at relationships Intentional living The way most marriages are lived is referred to as an un-intentional or unconscious way of living relationships. Here the partners wish to have a happy marriage but do not know or have a set plan or program with which they hope to attain this. Instead of knowledge, they rely on love and the example of their parents, peers and environment to show them the way to relationship success. Couples usually only seek help when their relationship has deteriorated to serious levels of discomfort. Most marital therapy programs follow a problem-orientated approach, where the partners present their problems as the agenda items to be solved. At the very least, couples going for therapy do so in order to eliminate or find relief from problems or 102

103 marital distress. They usually do not come to change or find a new way of living in the relationship. IRT is different in that it starts with the problem, but then moves the focus away from the problem to the patterns and dynamics of the relationship. This seems to give the partners hope for the growth of their own abilities. It also teaches the couple skills. IRT trains the couple in the use of communication skills rather than trying to solve their problems. The problems or conflict then becomes a tool in the relationship to teach the couple skills. The writer coins this intentional living. Intentional living is then to teach the couple what to do, why they must do it, and help them understand their own relationship dynamics. It also gives each partner an insight into the relational paradigms of the other partner. This empowers the couple with the feeling that they know what to do and what the aim of their actions should be. To introduce IRT in Christian marriage counselling should then, to a large degree, eliminate the problem that counselees often feel disempowered when they are confronted with their own problems and wrong behaviour (earlier referred to as adaptations). It could also help to remove the feelings of the hopelessness counselees feel when they are unable to make real changes to what they know to be wrong patterns and behaviours. The author advises that after the initial therapy program, the principles and techniques practiced by Imago can be enhanced by adding a 40-day, home work program (De Klerk 2003:48) to teach the couple the principles of intentional living. The therapist could give the couple the dialogue sentence stems that they can use over a period of 40 days on their own to facilitate continued growth in an intentional way. These dialogue sentence stems are designed for couples who have been able to remove most of the power-struggle and have attained some level of safety. The dialogue stems do not focus on the relationship problems but around the life of the 103

104 individual. This makes it easier to develop the dialogue into a pattern of the couple, as it is non-confrontational and not about the relationship between them. They are chosen to promote separateness while bringing insight and empathy for the partner. These sentence stems could be arranged according to each individual couple s culture and religious environment, for example: money, children, religion, fears, ambitions, and etcetera. This will put them on a growth path after they have moved out of the power-struggle and learned to keep each other safe within the relationship. The writer advises that counsellors who use IRT in Christian marriage counselling introduce this as a homework program after counselling has been terminated, to ensure future growth. My experience with this has shown that individuals want to explore these thoughts and want their partner to know this. They will always explore and relate these thoughts to one another if the safety and connection of the relationship permits. 40 Day Dialogue Program (De Klerk 2003:48) Over a period of forty days, discuss the following, with one party sending and the other listening, the next day the same subject is used but the parties switch roles. With each dialogue, deepen the process by including the following after each subject has been relayed to your partner: My greatest desire My greatest fear My belief is Dialogue subjects for discussion: What I want for our future together About our children 104

105 As a parent I What I want for myself is Where I want to be in 5 years My greatest ambition is What I need from our sexual relationship is What I want to give to our sexual relationship is About my parents, I About your parents, I My feelings about our friends are About personal free time I think The nurturing I need is The nurturing I want to give is The fun I need in our relationship is The way I see finances in our relationship is My greatest fear is My greatest challenge in life is What I believe about God is My faith gives me How I feel about my daily work is What I would want to change about myself is As a further growth tool, the author advises that the therapist introduce a concept coined space check. The concept of space has been discussed previously. With this process the couple could relay to each other daily where they are in relation to the other and measure the condition of the relationship and connectedness. This dialogue could typically be started with, How I feel towards you at the moment is or Living with you this last week has been This intentional living tool has as its objective to teach the couple to evaluate their feelings and safety level daily in the relationship and then relay that to each other in a way that will enhance intimacy and keep them close. 105

106 5.6 Cases where IRT may not be effective There are some cases where Imago might not be effective or an advisable technique. Because Imago focuses on creating intimacy between the partners, it is possible that if the couple is not ready to start the process to create healing in the relationship, it will most likely cause further damage to the relationship. This will happen because they will un-intentionally rewound old childhood pain. In these circumstances, ministry to the individual and the use of other counselling or psychology methods with the individuals should probably be done before IRT can be used with the couple Pathology and personality disorders Because safety is needed for personal healing and growth to occur, serious pathology and personality disorders are harmful to relationships. Such problems tear away at any safety in the relationship and should first be addressed in individual counselling before any of the Imago processes are introduced. Relationships between people with such problems cannot enter into IRT. The individual partners of such a relationship are both looking to get their unmet childhood needs fulfilled and their childhood wounds healed. They therefore cannot engage in couple s work because they are often unable to recognise the importance of the other. They are therefore likely to be unable to validate the other person s point of view and experiences. Any attempt to use IRT will probably lead to despair because neither the therapist nor the couple will get any sense of achievement. These disorders should be identified by the Pastor/ therapist and be referred to a professional dealing with this type of problem. IRT and couples work is not the place for this type of therapy. Persons dealing with these problems in personal therapy could share their experiences with their partner later in therapy using IRT. 106

107 5.6.2 Lack of Safety Care should be taken not to reveal deep childhood wounds and deep-rooted problems when there is not enough safety between the partners to contain such pain in a healing environment. Zielinski (2000) advises that the couple must first dialogue through the therapist, until enough safety has been achieved for them to start a dialogue with each other When a couple is stuck in the power-struggle A couple that is not ready to let go of the power-struggle will find new ammunition and reasons to blame each other for their wrongful behaviour. This will create further damage (rewound) to the individuals in the relationship and push them further away from each other. It might also bring a feeling of personal failure. These feelings might then be projected onto the counsellor, who is blamed for not being able to help them. When the therapist or Pastor realizes the partners are not able to let go of the powerstruggle, he should identify why they do not want to let go. This can be done by establishing what each would lose if they let go. The most likely answer is: loss of control, loss of position or losing a feeling of value. It might then be best to use an alternative method such as behaviour or cognitive therapy until the power-struggle has been brought under control, before IRT can be used. Biblical instruction and ministry to the individual can be helpful. It might also be valuable to explain to the couple that IRT can only be used if they are committed to own their behaviour, stop blaming, make changes and learn new patterns of relating Emotional development Well adjusted and integrated individuals seem to gain benefit from the nondescriptive program of IRT. This seems to emanate from the fact that they maintain some degree of control over the discussion subjects, emotional level of the therapy and the pace. 107

108 Because IRT works from a theoretical point, it is conceivable that some people are not able to comprehend it fully. IRT focus a lot on personal insight and awareness, of both oneself and the other in the relationship. The author has experienced cases in which some people are not open to the use of IRT. This has usually been people who live on a low economic and educational level (where survival of the family is a first priority). It appears that they want quick answers to complex problems. They were not always able to fully integrate the complexity of personal insight and growth. It was the writer s experience from case studies in Christian counselling, that people on the lower scale of economic and emotional development do not always seem to possess well developed abilities to participate in self-help and actualisation programs. They seem rather to focus on the Pastor or therapist as the expert who will tell them what and how to do it. There have been cases where the individuals felt the process is too slow and too deep and that they do not want to participate for too long. They indicated that they want a diagnostic evaluation and recommended behaviour change to be given to their partner. The impression was that people in this category will much rather follow the directives and advice of an authoritative person than have the therapist as a coach to a personal growth. In my view, the possibilities should be explored to adapt IRT to be really effective in such an environment. Zielinski (2000) agrees that rational and less emotive individuals might have difficulty with IRT but says it is part and parcel of IRT as complementary patterns are the therapeutic fulcrum. It might be worthwhile to conduct a study to establish for which cultures, economic groups and social groups IRT would be most effective. 108

109 5.6.5 Projection This is also referred to as blaming others (when one partner refuses to see his/her own contribution to the power-struggle). These people project all their feelings of worthlessness and incompetence onto the other partner. In such cases, the one party sees their own distress directly as the result of the other partner s actions. This is usually the case with couples who where wounded in the attachment phase. They are referred to as an attachment couple. In such cases the other person defines the very existence of the individual but he/she is also in a constant battle with that person the get individuation. Until the therapist manages to let the individual own his or her own contribution and pattern, IRT will probably not create growth and safety. The therapist in Christian counselling should use more traditional processes, first to bring the individuals to a point where they understand their own contributions in the marriage. They do not need to be healed from the pain before IRT can be used but will need to understand that they must take personal responsibility for their own feelings and behaviour and stop blaming the partner for that. In Christian counselling the concept of standing before God with one s own life and giving an account thereof is very strong and should be introduced here. This problem has been illustrated in the case study of projections Substance abuse Substance abuse can be referred to as a temporary escape from the problems and reality of the person s own world. A person who is struggling with this can therefore usually not accommodate another person or hold the other in a safe place, because his own world has become unsafe. IRT is not recommended as a useable tool in Christian marriage counselling when there is substance abuse. Individual counselling for the party abusing is recommended where after the couple could continue with therapy. 109

110 5.6.7 Physical Abuse When there is physical abuse of one or both partners in the marriage, Imago cannot be used because IRT focuses on creating a safe space in which to heal. Physical abuse is often the result of anger and frustration and destroys any possible safety or trust there might be. Often by the act of physical abuse, the very existence of the abused partner is denied by the other, and his/her value as a person is denied. Such abuse is condemned in the Bible. The Pastor should minister to such a person separately and in the traditional manner. In such cases, IRT should not be used, but therapy postponed until individual therapy has restored some levels of safety to the relationship. 5.7 Conclusion It is evident that IRT could be incorporated in Christian marriage counseling. However, certain issues must be addressed before this can be done. The therapist or Pastor wanting to use IRT will have to clarify in his own mind, certain departure points and value systems. 110

111 Chapter 6 CONCLUSIONS AND SUMMARY 6.1 Introduction This chapter contains the final summary and conclusions that emanated from this study. Certain observations and conclusions are drawn, as to the use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling. From this study, new fields of study have become evident. These might require further attention in future. 6.2 Observations Christians come to their Pastor for help and guidance with their own lives. They also come to the pastor when they have marriage problems. Christians see the Pastor as the expert in the field of spirituality, and as someone living a Christian-orientated life. Some therefore believe that the Pastor and the Bible have more relevant answers than most others. Christians believe that God can and will intervene in their lives and relationships through his power and the Holy Spirit. This is done through prayer and biblical instruction. Christian marriage counseling does not prove to have more success than any other form of couple work or therapy. There are differences in opinion concerning what is regarded as Christian counseling. Christian marriage counseling is spiced with interpretations of certain biblical expressions and instructions. The opinion of what will make a marriage Christian and happy is clouded by the inclusion of certain cultural and traditional roles and positions in the counseling process. 111

112 Christian marriage counseling embodies aspects such as prayer, biblical values, the intervention of God, and ministry that separates it from all other forms of couple s therapy. Christian marriage counseling is deficient in the area of method and might be too value-based. The focus is placed on adhering to biblical instruction and little attention is given to processes that will foster desired outcomes. IRT as a therapy process has been indicated to have some deficiency in the area of forgiveness. It has also been shown to run the risk of being too clinical with little or no ministry to the broken and hurting people in the marriage. This study is not a critical and complete examination as to the effectiveness of Christian marriage counseling. Only certain areas of deficiency have been pointed out. More areas of investigation might develop from this study. 6.3 Conclusions with regards to the use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling This study indicates that Christian marriage counseling does need a relevant and contemporary therapeutic model to facilitate the desired outcomes and ideal relationship indicated in the Bible. The Christian values and principles alone, does not indicate to have all the answers for the problems in Christian marriages. IRT is a contemporary model that has shown to have areas of shortcomings, but is effective enough to foster the principle elements needed for marital happiness. These have shown to be the creation of a safe space between the couple, the arresting of the power-struggle, fostering individuation and creating empathy within the partners for each other. When mutual validation and respect returns to the marriage, healing of childhood wounds occurs and frozen adaptations of the individuals dissolve. When these elements have changed, the couple embarks on a new road where conflict is used to foster closeness and pain is used to facilitate empathy and intimacy. 112

113 Chapter 3 indicates that Christian marriage counseling has shortcomings. One of these is the incorporation of cultural and traditional family systems and interpretations of biblical passages as Godly directives. Another is the possible negation of real pain and feelings by biblical instruction and ideals. A third shortcoming might be in the area of a purposeful method. Chapter 4 indicates that IRT is a very usable model in Christian marriage counseling today. The areas where IRT and Christian counseling differ are on the meta-theory level, and are not of such a nature that it will be imperative to change these before IRT can be used. A discussion of the principles of Christian marriage counseling has shown that the use of IRT can possibly enhance all of the biblical ideals for marriage. These include mutual respect, validation of the unique creation of the other, responsibility, covenant and forgiveness. During the course of this study the researcher became convinced that the use of IRT will, to a large degree, eliminate the tendency in Christian marriage counseling to skip the growth and character-building process of the individual and focus on the behavior as the source of problems. The use of IRT will foster the growth the individual needs to make changes to his behavior. It also became clear that the use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling will change the relationship to a healing and therapeutic environment, where the individual can continue to grow and heal from inner pain within a relational environment. The biblical principle of covenant is therefore enhanced with the use of IRT. 113

114 6.4. Recommendations for future study The effectiveness of Christian marriage counseling as it is practiced today Development of a complete model of Christian marriage counseling based on the use of IRT Study of how IRT can be used in Christian counseling when working with people who are low on the scale of personal and economic development Development of a pre-marital program for teaching Christians communication and conflict skills using IRT as a basic tool. 114

115 REFERENCES Adams, J.E Competent to Counsel. New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Company. Adams, J.E Christian Living in the Home. New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Company. Adams, J.E Solving Marriage Problems. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House. Adams. J.E How to help people Change. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House. Armour, M.C. & Browning, D System- Sensitive Leadership. Joplin Missouri: College Press. Aylmer, C Bowen Family Systems Marital Therapy. Clinical Handbook of Marital Therapy. Jacobson, N.S and Gurman, A.S. (eds.). New York: Guildford Press. Bowen, M Principles and techniques of multiple family therapy. In. Bradt, J. O & Moynihan, C. J.. (eds). Systems Therapy. Pp 61, Washington. DC: Groome Child Guidance Centre. Bowen, M, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: Jason Aronson. Buckner, J Relationship adaptation patterns & power-struggle Issues: New York: Institute for Relational Therapy Brown, R Imago Relationship Therapy. An Introduction to the theory and practice. Canada: John Wiley & Sons. De Klerk, J.H. & R A Couples Workshop Manual. Johannesburg: Imago Relationship Clinic. Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy. 115

116 Duvall, E.M. & Miller, B.C Marriage and Family Development. New York: Hawort Publishers. Erickson, Martin. J Revisioning the Family Life Cycle Theory and Paradigm in Marriage and Family Therapy. American Journal of Family Therapy. 26 (2), Eshelman, J.R & Clarke. J.N Development of Relationships. London: Allyn and Bacon. Friesen, DD & Friesen, RM Counseling and Marriage. Resources for Christian marriage counseling. Collins, GR. (Eds). Washington DC: Word Publishing. Garret, W.R Seasons of Marriage and Family Life. New York: CBS College Publishing. Guernsey, Dennis. B Christian Marriage Counselling. Journal of Psychology & Christianity. 13(2), Hannah, M. T. & Luquet, W. & McCormick, J Compass as a measure of the efficacy of couples therapy. American Journal of Family Therapy, vol. 25, Spring Brunner/Mazel. Hendrix, H Getting the love you want: Therapists Instructions to a couple s therapy manual. New York: Institute for relational therapy. Hendrix, H Keeping the love you find: A personal guide. New York: Pocket Books. Hendrix, H Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. London: Simon & Schuster 116

117 Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H Imago Relationship Therapy: Creating a Conscious Marriage or Relationship, in Berger, R. & Hannah, M.T, Preventive Approaches in Couples Therapy Philadelphia: Taylor & Francis group. Kerr, M.E. & Bowen, M Family Evaluation. The role of the family as an emotional unit that governs individual behaviour and development. New York: W.W Norton & Company. Killian 1989 Louw, D.J. Versoening in n huwelikskrisis. Instituut vir Reformatoriese studie. Universiteit van Stellenbosch. Louw, D.J Versoening in die huwelik. Durban: Butterworth. Louw, D.J Die Volwasse huwelik. Durban: Butterworth. Love, Pat & Shulkin, Sunny Imago theory and the psychology of attraction. Family Journal. 9 (3), Luquet, W. & Hannah, M. T Healing in the Relational paradigm. The Imago Relationship Therapy Case Book. Washington DC: Taylor & Francis group.. Luquet, W. & Hendrix, H Imago Relational Therapy in Case Studies in Dattillo, F.M. Couple and family therapy, Systemic and Cognitive perspectives New York: Guildford Press. Papero, D.V Bowen Family Systems Theory. London: Allyn & Bacon. Patton, J, & Childs, B.H Christian marriage and Family caring for our Generations. New York: Abingdon Press Pitner, G.D The effects of a couple s weekend workshop experience on marital satisfaction and relationship change. PHD: University of South Carolina. 117

118 Reber, A.S Dictionary of Psychology. London: Enquin Books. Rice, F.P Contemporary Marriage. London: Allyn & Bacon. Smith, A & L Preparing for a Christian Marriage. Nashville: United Methodist Publishing House. Virkler, H.A Broken Promises. Understanding, healing and preventing affairs in Christian marriages. New York: Word Incorporated. Wilkinson, B.H The Heart that makes a home. Biblical womanhood series. Johannesburg: Walk Through The Bible. Worthington, E.L. Jr Marriage Counseling: a Christian Approach to Counseling Couples. New York: Intervarsity Press. Wright, A The Bowen Theory. In Young, L & Long, L. Counseling and Therapy for couples. New York: Brookes/Cole Publishing Wright, H.N Marital Counseling: a Biblically-based, behavioural, Cognitive approach. Washington: Christian Marriage Enrichment. Young, M.E & Long, L.L Counseling and Therapy for Couples. New York: Brookes/Cole Publishing Company. Zielinski, J Discovering Imago Therapy. Psychotherapy Theory Research Practice & Training Spring. 37( 1)

119 ADDENDUM Case studies Case study Childhood wounding Wendy had a very absent Father due to his work commitments. This resulted in her mother being a very distant and overstressed woman in the household who could never give ample love and attention to the children. Wendy longed for the love and attention of her caregivers but was denied. When she began to display unconscious aggressive tantrums because of her unmet childhood needs at age 12 she was promptly sent off to boarding school where her wound of separation grew further. She coped with this need by becoming a pleaser, who always tried to win the affection of the important caregiving people in her life, by competing for their attention. When she met John who grew up with a stepfather (with whom he had lots of problems) she immediately fell in love and they married. John had a bad relationship with his stepfather and was incorporated into a bigger family with stepbrothers where he was never able to win the affection of his stepfather. John coped with his unmet need of lack of parental love and attention by withdrawing into himself and thereby safeguarding himself against possible rejection and further pain. They came to me when their marriage was falling apart. John felt that Wendy wanted too much of his attention and Wendy felt John was cold and distant. John complained that Wendy wanted to control his life and demanded too much attention and sometimes made him think of a little child who says, Play with me. This he interpreted as unbiblical behavior and disrespect towards him as husband and head of the house. Wendy on the other hand accused John of being distant and wondered if he was having an affair. She complained that he never shared anything about himself and she always had to fight for some attention. This made her feel that he was not a loving husband and did not fulfill his vows. 119

120 This couple underlined the Imago concept that they both chose each other because they have the same childhood unmet need and wounds. Their adaptations as children to cope with this however were opposite. John withdrew from caregivers in fear of pain and Wendy went into her role of a pursuer of love and acceptance by demanding attention. This is the primary reason why they fell in love. But because they never received what they were longing for they were also unable to give it. They both were unable to give each other what they needed, therefore they fell into a power-struggle. After 2 sessions and some theory, they each understood their responsibilities and owned their contributions to marriage strife. They were able to ask forgiveness from each other. They also asked God to forgive them for hurting and blaming each other. We then asked God to assist and strengthen them as they build a conscious relationship. When John understood that his wife needed affirmation and undivided attention from a significant person in her life, he was able and willing to make an internal adjustment and grow his underdeveloped abilities to receive and get attention. In prayer he asked God to help him heal his own childhood adaptations and grow into the person his wife needs. He made an internal decision to stop avoiding intimacy as a safeguard against emotional pain and risk, and venture into intimacy. They did the IRT processes with enthusiasm and started evaluating their daily living patterns against their new-found knowledge. This brought great changes. Wendy saw that she has adapted into a Pursuer type of person who projected her feelings of worthlessness onto her husband. She blamed him for her feelings of rejection. She was able to confess these feeling and asked God to help her to take responsibility for her own life. With the process of IRT they were then able to change their pattern of marriage and became a safe place for each other where they could explore the boundaries of 120

121 being separate and being in connection. Wendy stopped her constant cry for attention and this made John relax and open up towards her. As he opened himself up she felt she knew who he was and this satisfied her need for attention. John became a very relaxed person around Wendy and was able to give her undivided attention when she needed rather than to react to her neediness by withdrawing. He in turn grew in his ability to connect intimately. Case Study. - exits David and Lily came to me when they were contemplating divorce. They felt that they have drifted so far apart that they now have nothing in common and feel they don t know each other anymore. They have been married 25 years and have raised two children who have now left the house. It soon became clear that the power-struggle had surfaced early in their marriage. When despondency entered their relationship, David threw himself into his work as a minister. He justified his being out of the house for most evenings, with all the unique demands the job of a minister requires, with the parish members only being available for ministry after hours. Lily took a Job as a psychologist at a big practice and would work till 6:30 at night. In order to make the household run smoothly they divided the household chores amongst themselves and the household worked quite well. Because they where committed Christians they knew that they should spend time together, and arranged a set family night each weekend, where everybody had to be at home. This gave them a sense of gratification because they spent time together. They always filled this family night with activities or family and friends. When David and Lily saw this pattern in their relationship, they even confessed to always taking friends with them on holiday in order to avoid spending time alone together with each other. 121

122 They were able to see that they instinctively filled every available time with activities because their relationship was not safe to be alone. They saw this pattern of exits in their relationship and decided to change their behaviour, in service of building a safe space to be in. They confessed to having emotionally divorced each other and having settled into a living together arrangement rather than the intimate relationship God had intended. They renewed their vows and created a relationship vision through the guided visualization process. They asked God to help them by showing what their relationship should look like. This vision gave them a goal to work towards and focused their energy on a common goal. They did the processes with passion and learned to be present with each other and to be alone with each other. They committed time each day without any activities in which to connect and explore the boundaries of who the other person is. This resulted in Lily finding a new piece of her personality and desire that was hidden, and inhibited for many years because she thought it would not be acceptable to David. In the safety of connection she could share this with him without fear of rejection and make some life changes. David made some radical changes in the relationship patterns not only with his wife, but testified to being able to more deeply connect with his parishioners without spending more time with them. He was also able to change their home to a home more than a mance, and was able to give to parishioner safety with him, without having them in his home all the time. 122

123 Case Study Attachment and Identity Willie and Bonnie came to me when they felt that they want to have a Christian marriage and live according to Christian guidelines in the Bible but were unable to do so, because they felt they wanted completely different things in life. Bonnie was complaining that Willie was working too much and was never around enough to give her the attention that she needed and wanted. When he was around she felt that he was emotionally distant and that she battled to connect to him. She needed to know through the day where he was, what he was busy with, and whom he is seeing. A child from his previous marriage and the forced occasional contact he had with his previous wife amplified her feelings of insecurity, loneliness and disconnection. Willie felt that he is a good husband and that no matter how much time he spends with her she is never satisfied. He could not see why she had a need for deeper emotional connection and resented her for being needy and accused her of trying to chain him down. This process created tension between them that drove them further apart. When they came to me they were desperate and thought that they were incompatible. They have visited several Christian Pastors and counselors, and attended some Christian marriage enrichment courses. They testified that their understanding of what God wants for marriage expanded but their ability to make it work did not increase. After the first few session using IRT, Willie and Bonnie got to understand that Bonnie was an unwanted pregnancy to a single mother, and that her mother was unable to cope with this. She was rejected from childhood by her mother and due to the bad relationship between her mother and father she never had contact with him. When she did locate him at the age of 17 he was not happy to see her as he was married to someone else with his own family and she was a threat to that happiness. This made her feel rejected again. She became a Christian at the age of 19 and has done some work in the church towards forgiving her parents. 123

124 The couple also understood that Willie grew up in an emotionally detached family where the relationship between his mother and father was strained. His family was a Christian family promoting and teaching Christian family values to the children. Willie gathered that his father seemed to cope with the bad marriage relationship, by constantly working, being involved with the church and friends. He never had a good emotional relationship with his father, and was disciplined severely whenever he misbehaved. This discipline was often done with biblical affirmation and instruction. His father committed suicide when he was 15 and this left him without a father figure to connect with. He battled with a lot of questions regarding this. His mother became even more distant and depressed in her attempt to cope with all of this. After using IRT for a couple of sessions, the couple understood that they have chosen each other because they both came from emotionally detached families. They also understood that they are each unable to give each other the emotional attachment they need because they never experienced it themselves. They also understood that they have each adopted a different but complementary adaptation style to their emotional childhood. Bonnie became clinging and needy, always wanting pure attention to make her feel accepted and wanted. Willie became emotionally detached and cold in order to survive his childhood and now had difficulty in accessing his emotions and relaying them to Bonnie. He focuses rather on practical stuff and tried to show his feelings for his wife by doing practical and physical things for her. I used IRT to help them let go of their power-struggle where she fights for attention and he pushes for separateness. When they managed to created a safe space between them they slowly let go of the neediness and were able to start focusing on personal change. With the help of God through prayer and their belief system, they both embarked and a journey of personal growth where they became a guide and healer to each other. They forgave each other for the hurts of the past through the making amends dialogue. They also forgave their parents. This was done by using the parent-child dialogue with a forgiveness prayer to God afterwards. 124

125 They created a relationship vision through the guided visualization technique and asked God in prayer to open to them His plans and vision for them. This placed the couple in a place where they understood their own emotional dynamics and how that influences their relationship. It gave them a plan and guide on what to work on in their relationship. They achieved a new level of interaction and the marriage changed from the problem to a source of energy in their lives. The marriage became their safe place in which to relate their growth experiences, fear and development struggles in connection with another person. Case study- projection When Russell and Elaine came for therapy, they had had 13 years of stormy married life spiked with drugs & alcohol abuse on the husband s side. There were periods of separation, and extreme verbal and emotional abuse. A more classic example of the power struggle you probably won t find. They came to me when Elaine called me and claimed her life was in danger and that she must see me immediately. It was later revealed, that this is her pattern and that she lives totally in reaction to her world and marriage. After years of being stuck in this pattern she has lost all sense of individuality and personal value. After the third session she was visible unhappy with where Imago was going. This happened because her husband was not labelled as the problem for their marriage failure. At first, Russell was reluctant to come and participate, but later did it with enthusiasm. As soon as Russel began to fall into the IRT process, Elaine withdrew from the process and refused to share anything personal and said My childhood memories are the only thing still sacred that he doesn t know about, I cannot share that because he will trample that. This was her way of maintaining control and projecting her feelings onto him. 125

126 Their marriage pattern is that she is extremely jealous and has absolutely no trust. She accused him of everything imaginable. He in turn manipulates and controls her to every extreme with money. It became evident that Elaine suffers from severe identity issues because she comes from a mixed family. Russell has not been able to give her the sense of worth and acceptance that she needs to deal with that because he is dealing with his own issues of self-worth from his own broken home after his mother died. He now gets his sense of worth by making money and manipulating people including his wife. They therefore blamed each other for their feelings and projected their own feelings of incompetence upon each other. It was clear to me that the space in their relationship was not safe enough for her to share about herself. But it must also be noted that after years of living this pattern, this is probably also what defined her existence. She became stuck in the role of the victim of his bad behaviour. This is where she now gets her significance as a human being. It has also become clear that they formed triangles in their family. They would always triangulate a third party into the marriage. They have each chosen one of their two children and have triangulated that child into the relationship. This went to such an extreme that each child had to participate and play a role with that specific parent every time a power struggle occurred. As soon as therapy began they each tried to triangulate me into the relationship, by refusing to talk to each other in therapy and demanding that they be allowed to relay their feelings to me. They would then blame the other person when talking to me. I have graciously refused to be part of their power-struggle by bringing them back into the process. Divorce was often mentioned and used by each of them in turn as a manipulating tool to get the other to acknowledge him/her. Elaine moved into the role of the maximizer and the husband into the role of a minimizer and avoider. 126

127 As soon as the safety level started to increase between them they felt threatened by the new level of intimacy. They then tried to triangulate me into their relationship by phoning me individually between sessions. When phoning they would try to accuse and demean the other person with me. I had to take a lot of time helping them to own their part in the relationship and stop projecting and blaming. I ministered to them in this regard to ask God to help them. Their attachment issues were so strong that it was concluded that they would benefit from individual therapy with other therapists to work on their personal wounding and issues. This they did. This seemed to bring a lot of issues to the surface and Elaine exited the relationship by beginning to drink heavily for days on end. This resulted in her terminating therapy. This couple can probably only start with real Imago work after individual therapy and spiritual ministry has restored their own sense of individuality and self-worth. Then intimacy and connection would not be threatening for them, and they can continue with couple s therapy. 127