The International Journal of Mentoring and Coaching Volume XI Issue 1 April 2013

Transcription

1 Coaching is Emotional! Ram S Ramanathan, Zen To Coach, India Abstract This article presents a point of view that effective coaching need not be rational. Many coaching models, mostly of Western origin, tend to focus on the objective, rational, and external communication process. Eastern learning systems, on the other hand, focus on the subjective, holistic, and internal awareness process. In transformational coaching, self-awareness of the coach can lead to insights in the client in situations far from rational. The author s experience is that the Eastern approach to self and client awareness helps the coach explore the feelings and emotions of the client, enabling a sustainable client solution. Keywords Emotion based coaching, Right-brained coaching, Spiritual coaching, Transformational coaching, Energy Centric coaching Can coaching ignore feelings and emotions? The heart of coaching and developing is the act of counseling. And the effectiveness of counseling hinges on empathy and the ability to focus on our own feelings and share them. - Daniel Goleman Ashok is a professional in his forties, training to be coach. Ashok was part of my class of 12, in which 6 were women. We were practising working with emotions in coaching in a dyad setting with the entire class observing. Ashok was not very comfortable with an emotion based, right-brained, transformational coaching approach I had explained to the class. Why all this namby-pamby emotional stuff? he argued, I am here to learn to be an executive coach, not a life coach or counselor. How do you expect me to explore emotions with executive clients? For sure, I will lose them. With peer pressure from the team, Ashok reluctantly participated, though one could feel the strain on him trying to empathize with his client partner and create an emotional bond. European Mentoring & Coaching Council 2013 ISSN X Page 44 of 87

2 A week after the class, Ashok mailed me. You have really made my life difficult! My male executive client has an anger management problem. I tried to explore his emotions and feelings. And you know what? He started crying! I didn t know what to do. I still don t. Call me! The story had a happy ending. Men, real men, don t like to talk about emotions. They don t cry. Gray (1992) says in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, that when faced with stress men withdraw into the cave of their minds and sulk, while women instinctively feel a need to talk about feelings to resolve them. Our brain wires thoughts and emotions together as a common bodymind system, even though we try to differentiate between thoughts, feelings and emotions. Can we think without emotions? Can we recall the memory of a past action without bringing up associated emotions? Most people cannot. The psychological term for one who can think and act with no emotions is a psychopath. Our brain seems to store our thoughts and emotions in common folders, very much like a computer, except that our brain can read emotions unlike a current day computer can. Pert (1999), in her thought provoking Molecules of Emotion says, memory is not stored unless it has an emotional content. Consciousness itself is not possible without emotions. Since what clients face are problems based on perceptions, which are almost always colored by conditioned memory filters, which in turn are emotion laden, can coaches ignore emotions and feelings? Do we Think Logically? We all believe our thoughts to be logical. You may like to try this exercise I do with my students. Please sit down with a blank piece of paper and a pen, with the phone switched off, away from the distractions of computer and other humans; close your eyes and follow your thoughts. As you detect each thought, jot that thought down on paper; do not filter. Please sit for at least 10 minutes and note down on paper all the thoughts you are able to capture; write down, as bullet points, whatever crosses the mind space; then read what you wrote. If you have been honest with yourself and aware, then what you wrote down will have no sequential logic. European Mentoring & Coaching Council 2013 ISSN X Page 45 of 87

3 Let us say that as you close your eyes, you felt the need to cough. Your thought will be about that cough. This thought may trigger many branches. One could be about why you couldn t control your cough. This may lead to some self-critical anger, an emotion. This may lead in turn to emotional relationship issues with your spouse, friends and others, with no connection to the cough. Another may be a concern about this cough having been persistent for a while and the need to see a doctor. This leads to worry and other concerns. A whole universe of imaginary illnesses opens up. It may be that the cough reminds you of a dog s bark. You may then think about dogs you adopted or dogs that frightened you in the past. This may lead to emotional childhood memories. Each thought branches off into another, with and without context based on sensory inputs, and also often with no sensory inputs, based on recorded bodymind emotional memories. Shankara (cited in Kamakoti, 2012), the Hindu philosopher who lived in circa 700 CE, termed our thoughts as illusions, fed by our senses. His reference was to the unreality of perceptions, which are mind interpretations of current reality through the lenses of unconscious past memories. The word he used was maya. Patanjali (cited in Bryant, 2009), father of Yoga who lived around 150 BCE, advocated pratyahara or not feeding senses, dharana or focusing and dhyana or meditation, as internal Yoga techniques to control mind movements in order to achieve reality awareness. Memories are emotion based. Emotions embed thoughts. All three, memories, thoughts and emotions, are not always rational, though they affect our behavior consciously and unconsciously. How do East & West look at the Mind? Mind is different from brain. Our mind is distributed over the 100 trillion body cells. Each cell is intelligent and has a mind of its own. Many act independently and autonomously, for us to survive. The brain is one particular organ of our bodymind system. Western scientists, such as MacLean (1990) have described the mind in terms of the brain in three parts. Simply put: the reactive instinctive mind arising from the unconscious reptilian brain; the analytical intelligent mind arising from the conscious limbic brain; and the superconscious mind arising from the intuitive prefrontal cortex. The Western approach is often physiological equating mind with the brain. European Mentoring & Coaching Council 2013 ISSN X Page 46 of 87

4 Eastern spirituality deals with the mind in more holistic and energy terms. The Mandukya Upanishad (Easwaran, 1975), circa 2000 BCE, a Hindu Vedic scripture, describes four levels of Mind Consciousness: Conscious or a gross energy bodymind, in which we have thoughts and body identities; subconscious or subtle energy bodymind dream state, in which we have thoughts but no bodymind identity, which is why no one dies from a shark attack nightmare; unconscious or deep sleep causal energy bodymind state, in which there are neither overt thoughts nor bodymind identity; and finally, a state simply known as the Fourth State, of pure energy and one of deep meditative awareness, in which one empathetically and emotionally associates with the Collective Consciousness common to all beings, as an observing, non-participating witness. In Eastern spiritual learning, the brain is just another bodymind organ. Bodymind is holistic. Thoughts are movements of this bodymind in space and time. Thoughts and emotions are an unseparated continuum. Both are unreal and interpretations of the mind. It is possible to disengage from the unreal interpretations of the mind to reach a state of disengaged awareness of reality, when one is a witnessing observer. Emotional, Social and Spiritual Intelligence Goleman (1996) expands the concept of intelligence from analytical thoughts to emotions and feelings. He explains Emotional Intelligence EI as: self- awareness, selfmanagement, social awareness and relationship management. As I understand it, emotional intelligence operates at two distinct levels. Social Intelligence, the outward interpersonal level, helps us understand why others behave the way they do, establish empathy, and work towards a better relationship with the world around us. Spiritual Intelligence, less used, is the inward and intrapersonal level. At this level, we move from the selfish to the selfless, from I to WE, and from the material thought based self-awareness to the emotional and spiritual, mind body energy awareness of the SELF. Krishna, who I consider the greatest of all coaches, says in the Bhagavad Gita (Chinmayananda, 1983) that we live as divine beings when we live for others. Our perception has to evolve from the selfish I to the collective common consciousness of we and they. This happens at the energy level of SELF, in the intuitive and empathetic superconscious Fourth State. This is when pure compassion flows in true awareness in a spiritually intelligent mode. The Western Coaching model focuses on Social Intelligence, as does the modern East. The traditional Eastern learning focuses on Spiritual Intelligence. European Mentoring & Coaching Council 2013 ISSN X Page 47 of 87

5 I combine the two Eastern concepts I had described earlier in my coaching practice with Goleman s EI. The coach needs to operate at the Fourth State in an empathetic and emotional but disengaged and witnessing mode. The coach needs to co-create client insights by reliving conditioned memories in order to relieve them. Social and spiritual intelligence blend in this transformational coaching process. In coaching terms, we call conditioned memories as unconscious incompetencies. By helping the client to be aware, the unconscious incompetencies become conscious incompetencies. By acting on them, conscious incompetencies become conscious competencies. By anchoring them, conscious competencies become unconscious competencies. The entire process depends on the awareness of the coach, for him to be in the Fourth State, in order to catalyze the client into transformation. I use this as, Aware Act Anchor, 3 A, transformational model, to empower the client to become aware of the root cause of his problems, develop actionable insights and to anchor behavior to sustain the insightful solution. Creating Bodymind Awareness Eastern meditation techniques such as Yoga Nidra (Swamji, 2013) help to create holistic bodymind energy awareness in the Fourth State. I have adapted the classical Yoga Nidra technique to discover where emotions reside in our bodies, and how we can clear emotional memories by focusing on these body locations, and to visualize sustainable action outcome. This technique involves Yoga methods of physical postures, breath control, sensory control focusing, meditation and witnessing awareness. Lack of space prevents me from a complete description. Typically, fear and guilt reside in the lower abdomen area, anger in the solar plexus area, and hurt in the heart region. When the coach asks a client to feel anger in the body, if he feels it in the solar plexus, it is related to a power issue. If it is the heart, origin of the anger is hurt in a relationship. If it is deeper down in the groin region, it may be due to even fear and frustration. These locations in the body correspond to the energy centers, the chakras, in the Tantra system of Hinduism. Each of these locations would require a different coaching pathway to client insights. Feeling the emotion in the body makes it more real for most people. They can then look at it, feel it concretely, talk about it and get rid of it. The coach can help the client reframe the context of these emotions and help the client see the same reality in a different perspective. European Mentoring & Coaching Council 2013 ISSN X Page 48 of 87

6 Emotional discovery is a present moment activity. It has nothing to do with the past. Nor is it an analysis of the past as therapy. It has everything to do with the client s future, starting with a current reality emotional experience. It is essential coaching. Coaching the Coach Some coaches I mentor say they are uncomfortable dealing with client emotions. The problem is that they are uncomfortable dealing with their own emotions. My question to them is this. If an executive client has a time management problem at work, and if one of its causes is a child or a spouse with disabilities at home, how do you separate the work and home factors? Can you slice the client into a business half and a personal half, and refuse to deal with the personal half? What kind of coaching will that be and how effective? A truism in coaching is that all coaching is life coaching at some point. Life coaching is about feelings and emotions, linked to rational and analytical thoughts, as well as unconscious beliefs. A coach, to be truly effective, needs to be aware of emotions and be capable of handling them, first at one s own level and then at the client s. I would like to leave the reader with these questions. Are you able to feel your emotions in your body? Are you able to release negative emotions? Are you able to find the root cause of your emotion? Coaching the Client Let me share a coaching experience with you. Sita is a working mother. She has a younger brother, who has sensory disabilities. Though the brother lives with her parents a fair distance away, both the brother and parents wish that Sita would visit them often, which she finds impossible to do. She felt guilty and angry, and this affected both her work and life. Sita shared this personal dilemma with the group I was mentoring. One of the participants coached her by asking detailed questions about what she felt about the situation, how her parents and brother felt about the situation, what she felt were the options open to her. These questions were good and followed classic coaching competency models of Awareness, Listening, Questioning etc. European Mentoring & Coaching Council 2013 ISSN X Page 49 of 87

7 At the end of about 30 minutes, the student coach asked Sita if she had any insightful solutions or if she felt better after the session. She said no. I decided to try emotional coaching at this stage primarily to see if that would help Sita. The secondary benefit would have been the demonstrative effect, if it worked. I asked Sita to describe her emotions when her parents and sibling wanted her to be with them and she could not. She said she felt a mixture of emotions: anger that they made such a difficult demand on her; frustration that she could not comply; guilt that she could not comply; an overwhelming sadness resulting from all this. I asked her to feel these emotions in her body. At first she could not comprehend what I asked of her. I then asked her to recollect a recent incident when she felt angry. She did. I asked her to feel it in her body as she relived that incident. Her entire body stiffened, her face turned red and her hands trembled. She really was angry. She described how she felt the anger in her guts. I now asked her to relive the last time when she could not comply with the request to spend time with her sibling. Her shoulders stooped; her eyes moistened; her lips were trembling. Soon, she began to cry. As she recovered, I asked her where she felt the emotion. She pointed to her lower abdomen. She said it was a feeling of helplessness, mixed with guilt, anger and sadness. She felt pain. I asked her to take a deep breath and exhale with force, visualizing that she was getting rid of this bag of emotions from her lower abdomen. She repeated the exhalation a few times and said she now felt better. I then asked her to re-experience the same situation and to describe her emotions and where she felt them. This time, she said that the emotions were lighter than before. She experienced hurt that her parents and siblings did not understand her situation. She felt selfishness on their part. The emotion rested in her heart region. Once again, she exhaled deeply throwing this emotion out. I led her through this process twice more. Each time she said she felt less of the emotions. Finally she said she felt nothing, completely disengaged. She seemed visibly calmer now. Her eyes were clear; she was sitting straight; her voice was steady. I do not know what the big deal was about! Sita said to the class and I. I asked her to explain. Sita said, I am now clear that I am doing the best I can. If my sibling and parents need more of me than I can give, I can only explain to them with deep love that I still care for them, but I have my own life with my husband, child and a career. They may be hurt initially, but they will understand eventually. I need not carry guilt because of their expectations. I feel free now. European Mentoring & Coaching Council 2013 ISSN X Page 50 of 87

8 This whole process of emotional coaching took about 30 minutes. I spoke with Sita a few times after this incident. She had moved on with her career and family life. She sad she no longer thought about this as an issue, though it had weighed upon her so heavily for so long. Some in the class later argued about whether Sita s decision was morally right. The issue is not about right and wrong. It is about the client. The coach has no right to impose his/her religious and moral beliefs on the client. That is not coaching. This process of coaching is my own amalgam derived from a number of disciplines including neurolinguistic programming, The chakra theory from Tantra, and my own 3A model. Back to the Beginning Ashok, who I talked about in the beginning, had a happy ending. Ashok practised the Yoga Nidra based technique as a mind body energy awareness meditation. We worked together in a couple of coaching sessions on his emotional issues. He learned to cry! He now coaches others comfortably on emotional issues. It is only when a coach is comfortable understanding and accepting own emotions and knowing how to deal with them, the coach can venture into the client s emotional space. The same questions, I left you with earlier, can now be asked of the client. This helps the client discover his or her own emotional states, move towards root causes, and often resolve issues associated with the emotions. References BRYANT, E.F. (2009). The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. New York: North Point Press CHINMAYANANDA, S. (1983). Mandukya Upanishad. Mumbai: Central Chinmaya Mission Trust EASWARAN, E. (1975). The Bhagavad Gita for Daily Living. California: Nilgiri Press GOLEMAN, D. (1996). Emotional Intelligence. USA: Bantam Books GRAY, J. (1992). Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus.US: Harper Collins European Mentoring & Coaching Council 2013 ISSN X Page 51 of 87

9 KAMAKOTI (2012). [Accessed 24 Oct 2012] MACLEAN, P. D. (1990). The triune brain in evolution. New York: Plenum Press. PERT, C. (1999). Molecules of emotion: The science between mind-body medicine. US: Scribner SWAMJI (2013). [Accessed 24 Oct 2012] About the Author Ram S Ramanathan, PCC, BCC is operates out of Bangalore, India and Chicago, USA. Ram has 40 years of business leadership and entrepreneurial experience in India and South East Asia. Ram now coaches, writes, teaches, mentors coaches, and helps build coaching institutions. His passion is applied spirituality. He will be happy to answer questions. ramsram@gmail.com European Mentoring & Coaching Council 2013 ISSN X Page 52 of 87