The Impact of Divorce on Children: Facts and Fiction

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1 The Impact of Divorce on Children: Facts and Fiction 1 Over 1 million children are involved in new divorces each year. 2 The percent of children living with only one parent grew from 12 in 1970 to 28 in Total number of divorced adults grew from 4.3 million in 1970 to 20 million today. 3 Married population dropped from 72% in 1970 to 60% today. 4 Judith Wallerstein s work of 25 years of interviewing children of divorce indicates that children take a long time to get over their parents divorce. 5 The most harmful and profound effects tend to show up as children reach maturity and struggle to form their own adult relationships. 6 Wallerstein reports that children of divorce tend to expect disaster and therefore often create disaster. Conflict leads to flight. Children of divorce tend to make terrible errors in whom they choose to have relationships with. Time Magazine (September 25, 2000) The majority of children have little emotional preparation for their parents separation and they react with distress, anxiety, anger, and disbelief (Hetherington, Cox & Cox, 1982; Wallerstein & Kelly, 1980). Usually these crisis-engendered responses last about 1 to 2 years. (Hetherington & Clingempeel, 1992) In a study of parent-child communications about divorce, 23% of children said no one talked to them about the divorce, and 45% said they had been given abrupt one or two line explanations. Only 5% said they had been fully informed and encouraged to ask questions (Dunn et al.). A major stressor for children is persistent conflict between parents following separation and divorce (Emery, 1982; Johnston, 1994; Johnston & Roseby, 1997). Putting children in the middle is more likely to be destructive than just the presence of conflict (Buchanan, Maccoby & Dornbush, 1991; Johnston, 1994). The findings on the impact of post-divorce conflict have been mixed, but there is general agreement that children are on average worse off. (Hughes, 1996). In 1991, Amato and Keith examined the results of 92 studies involving 13,000 children. Their conclusions indicated that children of divorce are more likely than children from intact families to have difficulty in school, have behavior problems, negative self-concepts, and problems with peers. These children also have more difficulty getting along with peers. In 1994, Amato pointed out that children from intact families and children from divorced parents are more alike than they are different. Hetherington (1993) found that 90% of adolescents from intact families were within the normal range for problems and 10% had serious problems. The percentages for divorced families were 74% of the boys and 66% of the girls were in the normal range, and 26% of the boys and 34% of the girls were in the problematic range. Hughes (1996) concludes that although most of the children of divorce will not need serious

2 help, more children from divorced families will need some type of help. Compared with children whose parents stay married, children from divorce are: 7 Twice as likely to see a mental health professional. 8 Up to twice as likely to have problems managing their behavior. 9 Perhaps 1.25 to 1.5 times as likely to have problems with depressed moods. 10 Twice as likely to drop out of high school before graduation to 1.5 times more likely to get divorced themselves. In spite of these facts, Emery concludes that: 12 Most children from divorced families are not at risk. 13 Most children from divorced families are resilient, although divorce is incredibly painful for resilient children, too. 14 Even after separation, what parents do is the most important determinant of whether children are at risk or resilient. Emery (2004) Kelly and Emery (2003) report that the extent or risk for children of divorce is at least twice that of children in continuously married families. Although 10% of children in continuously married families have serious psychological and social problems, as measured by objective tests, estimates are that 20-25% of children from divorced families had similar problems (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002; Zill & Schoenborn, 1990). Children in divorced families have lower academic performance and achievement test scores compared with children in continuously married families (McLanahan, 1999). Children of divorced parents provide less financial, social, human, and cultural capital to their children compared to children with parents who remained married (Sun & Li, 2001). Children from divorced families are more likely to have problems in their intimate relationships and are more likely to be divorced themselves (Amato, 2000; Chase-Lansdale, Cherlin, & Kierman, 1995; Wolfinger, 2000). Kelly and Emery (2003) state that the evidence is that the majority of children of divorce are not greatly harmed by their parents divorce, but they do suggest that children of divorce suffer longterm painful memories, feelings of loss, and a feeling of distress related to the experience of no sense of control over their lives following divorce. Implications for Interventions: interventions are more likely to benefit children from divorced families if they seek to contain parental conflict, promote authoritative and close relationships between children and both parents, enhance economic stability in the post-divorce family and, when appropriate, involve children in effective interventions that help them have a voice in shaping more individualized

3 and helpful access arrangements (Kelly, 2002). Programs designed to facilitate children s post-divorce adjustment have been shown to have promising behavioral and psychological changes in both parents and children (Haine, Sandler, Tein, & Dawson-McClure, 2003) child-focused programs have demonstrated significant reductions at follow-up in child externalizing and internalizing behaviors and child self-esteem compared with non-treatment controls. Results from studies provide support for the efficacy of child coping programs and parenting skills interventions in the prevention of mental health problems for children of divorce. Meaningful reductions in mental health problems for a significant subgroup of today s youth could be achieved if such programs were widely available (Winslow, Wolchik, & Sander, 2004). References Amato, P.R. (1994). Life-span adjustment of children to their parents divorce. Future of Children: Children of Divorce, 4, Amato, P. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62, Amato, P. & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and adult well-being: A meta-analysis. Journal of Marriage and Family, 53, Buchanan, C., Maccoby, E., & Dornbush, S. (1991). Caught between parents: Adolescents experience in divorced homes. Child Development, 62, Chase-Lansdale, P.L., Cherlin, A.J., & Kierman, K.E. (1995). The long-term effects of parental divorce on the mental health of young adults: A developmental perspective. Child Development, 66, Dunn, J., Davies, L., O Connor, T., & Sturgess, W. (2001). Family Lives and friendships: The perspectives of children in step-, single-parent, and nonstop families. Journal of Family Psychology, 15, Emery, R.E. (1982). Interparental conflict and the children of discord and divorce. Psychological Bulletin, 92, Emery, R.E. (2004). The truth about children and divorce. New York: Penguin Books. Haine, R.A., Sandler, I.N., Tein, J.-Y., & Dawson-McClure, S.R. (2003). Changing the legacy of divorce: Evidence from prevention programs and future directions. Family Relations, 52, Hetherington, E.M. (1993). An overview of the Virginia Longitudinal Study of Divorce and Remarriage with a focus on the early adolescent. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, Hetherington, E.M., & Clingempeel, W.G. (1992). Coping with marital transitions: A family perspective. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 57. Hetherington, E.M., Cox, M., & Cox, R. (1982). Effects of divorce on parents and children. In M. Lamb (Ed.), Nontraditional families (pp ). Hillsdale, N.J.: Erlbaum. Hetherington, E.M., & Kelly, J. (2003). For better or worse. New York: Norton. Hughes, R., Jr. (1996). Internet in-service on children and divorce. The effects of divorce on children. Ohiostate.edu/famlife/divorce/effects.htm.

4 Johnston, J.R. (1994). High-conflict divorce. Future of Children, 4, Johnston, J.R., & Roseby, V. (1997). In the name of the child. A developmental approach to understanding and helping children of conflict and violent divorce. New York: Free Press. Kelly, J.B. (2002). Psychological and legal interventions for parents and children in custody and access disputes: Current research and practice. Virginia Journal of Social Policy and Law, 10, Kelly, J.B., & Emery, R.E. (2003). Children s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52, Kirn, W. (2000). Should you stay together for the kids? Time, 156, McLanahan, S.S. (1999). Father absence and children s welfare. In E.M. Hetherington (Ed.), Coping with divorce, single parenting, and remarriage: A risk and resiliency perspective (pp ). Mahwah, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum. Sun, Y., & Li, Y. (2001). Marital disruption, parental investment, and children s academic achievement. Journal of Family Issues, 22, Wallerstein, J.S., & Kelly, J.B. (1980). Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. New York: Basic Books. Winslow, E.B., Wolchik, S.A., & Sander, I. (2004). Preventive interventions for children of divorce. Psychiatric Times, 21, Wolfinger, N.H. (2000). Beyond the intergenerational transmission of divorce: Do people replicate the patterns of marital instability they grew up with? Journal of Family Issues, 21, Zill, N., & Schoenborn, C.A. (1990). Developmental, learning, and emotional problems: Health of our nation s children, United States, Advance data from Vital and Health Statistics, No Washington, DC: National Center for Health Statistics. Healthy Pattern of Restructuring Following Divorce Most families experience three stages of adjustment following divorce. Teyber (1992) 1 Initial period of disruption life is chaotic, children and parents uncertain about the future, most painful stage 2 Transitional period

5 parents try new lifestyles and reorganize family 3 Period of renewed sense of stability children feel more secure stable pattern of interactions and exchanges between homes Dynamics of high conflict families The parents are unable to make use of the divorce to resolve issues within or between themselves and are frozen in the transition. In effect, the form of the custody dispute or litigation becomes their new pattern of relationship (Johnston and Campbell, 1998: 7-12). According to Johnson and Campbell in their book Impasses of Divorce, Impasses occur at three levels: 4 the external, 5 the interactional 6 intrapsychic or internal. The external level, the dispute may be fuelled by significant others (extended kin, new partners or helping professionals) who have formed coalitions or alliances with the divorcing parties and legitimized their claims. The interactional level, the dispute can either be a continuation of a conflictual relationship or the product of a traumatic or ambivalent separation of parents. The intrapsychic level, disputes may serve to manage intolerable feelings engendered by the divorce (humiliation, sadness, helplessness and guilt) in psychologically vulnerable parents (Johnston and Campbell, 1988: 12; Johnston and Roseby, 1997: 5-22). Most couple experiencing divorce will be in conflict during separation and through out the divorce. This period of conflict usually lasts from 1 to 2 years. Furstenberg and Nord noted in one study that the most common pattern of parenting two years after divorce is parallel parenting. Communication is minimal and usually focuses on access arrangements. Characteristics of High Conflict Families. 1 Extremely distrustful of the other parent 2 A strong need to protect the child from the other parent: may verbalize a lack of confidence in the other parent s ability to care for the child 3 Unable to separate the child s needs/feelings from their own. Inability to shield children from their own emotional pain or anger

6 4 Unable to separate the child s divorce experience from their own ( he/she left us ) 5 Poor personal boundaries ( What I feel, is what you feel ) 6 Can not take responsibility for how their actions affect the children. (tendency is to blame the other parent and hold self blameless) 7 Unable to see any positive qualities in the other parent 8 Project blame for the divorce on the other parent. Does not have the ability to accept any responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship pre-divorce or post divorce ( The divorce is their fault. They never tried to work things out. He/she destroyed our family ) 9 Repeat litigation 10 History of verbal abuse or physical aggression 11 Can not disengage from negative perspective of other parent. Does not integrate new information ( That was a mistake, it will never happen again may hold belief that the other parent had some alternate motive for positive behavior) 12 One or both parents may treat children as peers. 13 Openly shares negative information or adult information about the other parent with children either overtly or subtly. 14 High degree of competitiveness (example could be how time is shared i.e. parent asking for make up time because a child attended an event during their scheduled time. Keeping track of minutes /hours) 15 My refer to other parent in third person or by formal name Mr. Smith Characteristics of High Conflict Personalities Few professionals may understand the attraction of those with personality disorders or traits to the legal process. Yet a comparison of characteristics shows a perfect fit, which may explain why they increasingly show up in court as High Conflict Personalities. (William A. Eddy, LCSW, JD, 2004) Characteristics of HCPs Characteristics of Court Process

7 Lifetime Preoccupation: Blaming Others Avoid taking responsibility All-or-nothing thinking Seek attention and sympathy Aggressively seek allies Speak in dramatic and emotional extremes Focus intensely on other s past behaviors Punish those guilty of harming you Try to get others to solve your problems Its okay to lie if you feel desperate Purpose: Deciding who is to blame, who s guilty Court will hold someone else responsible Guilty or not guilty are usually the choices One can be center of much attention Gather and bring many advocates to court Argue or testify in dramatic and emotional extremes Hear or give testimony on other s past behaviors Court is the most powerful place to impose punishment in our society Many professionals will work hard to solve your problems In reality, the court rarely acknowledges or punishes lying (perjury) High Conflict Personalities begin to generate distorted information which fits how they feel. Their feelings create their facts. Resources and Other Helpful Links Websites Divorce Magazine.com an informative online magazine that provides area specific resources. Divorce and children.com hosted by Christina McGhee, a divorce coach, parent educator and parent coordinator this site offers helpful information and advice for parents on divorce related issues. How to Divorce as Friends.com Bill Fergusson guides you through healing your hurt, resolving personal issues and ending conflict with your ex spouse. Our Family Wizard.com is an interactive and secure means for separated or divorced parents to communicate and share information between households. Eliminates the stress of verbal communication. Important information can be accessed from any location.

8 the concerns and problems children of divorce face. Topics are addressed in a fun, entertaining, and kid friendly way. Available for order online or parents can call toll free Collaborative lawyer.com- provides information about the collaborative, cooperative approach to a legal divorce. Colorado Divorce Mediation award winning information by Colorado attorney-mediators on the child-friendlier and increasingly popular and positive alternative to adversarial divorce: family mediation. Recommended Readings For adults: Mom s House, Dad s House, making two homes for your child. Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. A complete guide for parents who are separated, divorced, or remarried. We re Still Family, what grown children have to say about their parents divorce. Constance Ahrons, Ph.D. By listening to the voices of these grown children, divorcing parents will learn what they can do to maintain family bonds. Also by Dr. Ahrons, The Good Divorce. Divorce Poison. Richard Warshak, Ph.D. An excellent resource for parents dealing with an angry, vindictive, and sabotaging ex-spouse. Joint Custody with a Jerk. Julie Ross and Judy Corcoran. A funny title dealing with a serious subject. How to co-parent with an uncooperative ex. What about the Kids? Raising your children before, during, and after divorce. Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. Because Life Goes On - Helping Children and Youth Live with Separation and Divorce. Available at This is a thorough and useful guide for parents and others trying to help children. Published in both English and French. Divorce without Disaster. Janet Brumley. Collaborative law in Texas. Stepfamilies. Dr. James Bray and John Kelly. Answers important questions of stepfamily life. How to Win as a Stepfamily. Emily Visher, Ph.D. and John Visher, M.D. Written by the founders of the Stepfamily Association of America. Taking the High Road; How to Cope with your Ex-Husband, Maintain your Sanity and Raise your Child in Peace. Nailah Shami a witty, candid book which empowers women to rise above it all and develop a winning attitude following divorce. Video for Children Lemons 2 Lemonade: How to Handle Life When Things Go Sour Between Mom and Dad.

9 Written and produced by two divorce experts, Stephen Loughhead and Christina McGhee, this entertaining and informative 45 minute program gives children the information they most need when their parents divorce. Available at Books for Children Dinosaur s Divorce. Marc Brown and Laurene Krasny Brown. What Children Need to Know When Parents Get Divorced. William L. Coleman. A book to read with children going through the trauma of divorce. It s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear. Vicki Lansky. A read together book for parents and young children during divorce. I Don t Want to Talk About It. Jeanie Franz Ransom and Kathryn Kunz Finney. A story about divorce for young children. Let s Talk About It: Divorce. Fred Rogers. Famous Mister Rogers offers calm, caring support. Mom and Dad Don t Live Together Anymore. Kathy Stinson and Nancy Lou Reynolds. At Daddy s on Saturdays. Linda Walvoord Girard and Judith Friedman. Two Homes. Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton. Are We Divorce Too Daddy? Vickie Gunnells-Hodge. Encourages divorced dads to stay involved. Missing Rabbit. Roni Schotter A comfort to children who go back and forth, Schotter s thoughtfully conceived story addresses the anxieties of very young children living under joint custody arrangements. For ages 3-6. My Stick Family. Natalie Reilly and Brandi Pavaese this book emphasizes and reaffirms the resilience and constancy of love for children within the family, even after a marriage ends.