The Past Tense of Hurt

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1 The Past Tense of Hurt Character List Stephanie Drexel - late 40's Maureen Winkle - late 40's Brief Description of Play Two women who've known each other for years find out that they don't. Know each other, that is.

2 1 The Past Tense of Hurt by Name on resume & cover sheet (Lights up. An ostentatiously furnished living room. Four envelopes are scotch-taped to the mantelpiece, the way Christmas stockings would be. The names Madison, McKayla, Maureen and Drexel, are written in large script on the envelopes. A cellphone rings on the coffee table. Pause. comes on, wearing a bathrobe, her hair wrapped in a towel. She picks up, looks at, then stomps the cellphone savagely. It continues to ring. She answers it.) What, Wallace, what? (listens) Are you kidding me? That is just... that is fatuum judicum, pure, green and simple! I can't believe you're interrupting me to table that for the Burbank case... what? No, I wasn't having lunchtime sex, I was getting things straightened out here before I kill myself. Yeah, ha-ha! (listens) How else, death by pizza. (listens) Yeah, whatever. Don't call anymore, okay? I'm flushing the phone down the toilet. (listens) Yeah, you too, see you in hell. Goodbye! ( goes off. OFF: Sound of toilet flushing. Long pause. comes on from the opposite direction, removes her coat, while looking at the hanging envelopes. Light fade - brief time passage LEGAL\ \1

3 2 goes to sit on the couch, puts her feet up, remote in hand, turns on an unseen TV. She knocks back a glass of spirits.) (claps I pumps fist) Yeah, that's tellin' em, Judy! Whooo! (Pause, as looks in the direction exited. claps louder, stamps feet, pounds the arms of the couch.) WhoooHooo!! Yeah, Mama!! ( comes on, moves to, stands behind the couch, watching her.) Excuse me, Maureen... ( jumps up, clicks off TV.) Miss Stephanie! I... your Mercedes wasn't in the driveway! I didn't know you were- I cabbed it. What are you doing here? The girls won't be home for hours. Well... I was in the neighborhood and I thought I would come over early and make something real nice for dinner, something special. LEGAL\ \1

4 3 And you were just relaxing before starting the big pot roast, huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I just got off from the hotel and wanted to rest my feet. Any other time, I would get right to work, but my leg's been bothering me again. My sciatica- Look, I don't have time to hear about your health issues, okay? I just wish you weren't in the house right now. (moves to look out window) You can't be here. On the other hand, it's a good thing. (beat) What an imbroglio; I need you here, but I don't want you here. You mean I'm fired? What? No, no, you little fool. I need you in my employ. (beat) On your day off I spend way too much time re-organizing the stacks of dirty plates and glasses in the dishwasher so that I can wedge more in. Nobody ever empties it but you; we just keep adding more and re-setting it. I always get after the girls to help out - When's the last time you vacuumed? Is that your hair down there on the floor, or is it dental floss? LEGAL\ \1

5 4 I'll go get the Hoover right away- NO! I wouldn't be able to tolerate a sound like that right now! I'm trying to do something important and it's not going well. That's really hard to believe, Miss Stephanie. You excel at every single thing you attempt. Just look at this house and your job and your car. Fiddlesticks. Stuff and nonsense. Oh. (pause) Thank you for not being mad. I'd never get a job as good as this again, with a nice boss like you! Remember I lied over the phone and said I was twenty-one? But you didn't hold that against me, not you- Great. Now look, the girls - Do you want me to go? No! I want ME to go! But listen, I need someone to be here when the girls get in. Just stay away from my room, will you? LEGAL\ \ J

6 5 All right. But you let me know if there's anything I can do to help. (beat) Is there? Anything I can do? About anything? You said you were going to make a roast. Get to it. ( starts off. rushes to intercept her. The two are literally jockeying to get past each other during the following exchange.) Yes, Miss Stephanie. But there's just one thing - Hey! The kitchen is that way! (Points) And don't put so many damn potatoes in there. The girls won't eat them, that's for sure. I'll have to make a snack first. They'll want something to eat the minute they come in the door. They're always so hungry when they get off the school bus. Great. Now, if you don't mind- They'll want something sweet, salty and fast. Chips and soda, and that's why they have pizza faces. I try not to give them too much of that stuff. They need something healthy. And it's no easy task with McKayla and her pickiness. Pick, pickity pick. LEGAL\ \ I

7 6 You mean to say Madison doesn't do that? No, just McKayla. Madison eats anything, even tripe. Whatever. Deal with it. (starts off) (still maneuvering to block 's way) I can't believe that private school doesn't even give them lunch, what with all the money you pay them. To tell the truth, I think the girls trade whatever I make for them right there on the way to school, on the bus, before they even reach the school grounds. Then I just bet they leave the campus and go to the fast food place. (sighs) Still, I make sure they have something. Ifl don't make them that sandwich the night before, they won't have anything. Are you judging me for not packing a sack lunch for my girls? Oh, no, not at all! (Pause, as they stare at each other) I'm glad I'm not here when they come home. I bet they jump on you like a pair of Schnauzers. (waves hands like paws and hangs tongue, panting) Yap, yap, yap, slobber! (beat) I know they like you better than me. The three of you are allied against me. LEGAL\ \1

8 6 You mean to say Madison doesn't do that? No, just McKayla. Madison eats anything, even tripe. Whatever. Deal with it. (starts off) (still maneuvering to block 's way) I can't believe that private school doesn't even give them lunch, what with all the money you pay them. To tell the truth, I think the girls trade whatever I make for them right there on the way to school, on the bus, before they even reach the school grounds. Then I just bet they leave the campus and go to the fast food place. (sighs) Still, I make sure they have something. If I don't make them that sandwich the night before, they won't have anything. Are you judging me for not packing a sack lunch for my girls? Oh, no, not at all! (Pause, as they stare at each other) I'm glad I'm not here when they come home. I bet they jump on you like a pair of Schnauzers. (waves hands like paws and hangs tongue, panting) Yap, yap, yap, slobber! (beat) I know they like you better than me. The three of you are allied against me. LEGAL\ \1

9 7 That's not...but it's true that I get along real well both girls, Miss - You don't like me, do you? Never have. (beat) No, it's more like resent. You resent me. Well, why would I not like - MAUREEEN Look at us! I'm a person of color, a Black person, with a very good job, a huge house and an expensive car. You're White and you clean my toilet. You don't just resent me, you fucking hate me. Oh, you know that isn't so, Miss - You want to see me dead, don't you? Don't you?! No, Miss Stephanie! I'm at the firm from dawn until way past goddamned dusk! You think I'm going to have the strength to spread PB&J on bread when I come through the door at midnight? They don't even eat that. They say it's po' folks food. LEGAL\ \J

10 8 Then get the roast going so they can have roast beefwith horseradish sandwiches for lunch tomorrow! Go on, git! And make sure you put fresh lettuce and tomatoes on them! Yes, Ma'am. (starts off in the other direction) Sure you don't want any help with your problem? I don't mean to be nosy, but... you said it wasn't going well. (beat) Maybe there's something I can do to help. (beat) What exactly... are you doing? You're going to find out real soon. Trust me. You, the firm, my ex. Everybody. ( storms off. runs after.) You weren't supposed to be here! I came early to steal! (Pause. comes back on slowly.) What did you say? Can't you see I'm busy here?!! I... I've been doing it for months. It's difficult when the girls are here. They're always underfoot. ( stares, open-mouthed.) It's been eating me up, the guilt. Yes, I took things. It's not like you don't have excess! ( circles around ) What did you take? Go on, tell me. LEGAL\ \J

11 9 Well, this week, just some earrings and a bracelet. And some forks. Earrings and bracelet? From where? The upstairs hall closet, in a box, in the back on the floor. See? You have so much! You wouldn't have known any of it was there if I hadn't told you! There's more stuff in this house than you know what to do with - So that entitles you to it? Jewelry you didn't know you had. Two forks. The girls don't even like to eat with the silverware. They prefer plastic, like that combination spoon and fork thing- Spork. Figures. I sit around polishing that silver for nothing. Nobody uses it and it gets ugly fast anyway. So get a pillowcase like the burglar you are and load up a pile of it. Take the whole goddamned set! Back a U-haul into the garage and make off with everything, you roaring cliche! In fact-! LEGAL\ \ 1

12 10 ( goes off. looks at her watch, goes to the window and looks out, moves to the couch and gulps down the rest of her drink. returns with a big box.) Okay! I was going to leave all this for the Goodwill, but now that you're here, let's go through it. (points) I'll make a pile for you and a pile for those bandits. (lifts things from the box, throws them in the air) Lookit this great bra! It has the boobs already in it. Take it! Oh, I couldn't. But you will! And look, I've got tons of expensive make up here. (Pause, as looks at the packages) On second thought, forget it, you're the kind of woman who gets ready without a mirror. And it's the wrong shade for you, anyway. (rummages in box) This scarf. Here! (Ties the scarf around 's neck) It's a hundred times better than that ratty thing you have. It cost a fortune! Hand painted in Italy! Please! It's too tight, Miss Stephanie. (loosens, then removes scarf, places it on the 'Maureen' pile. goes back to rummaging in the box) Clothes and shoes up the Yazoo, never worn, price tags still hanging off them! Sausage, candy, imported pasta and wine; all of it appreciation gifts from the firm and bribes from clients. Gift cards from the year 2000! I've been meaning to take it all to the Goodwill, but why should they have it? They get rich on people's castoffs! You see anything you want, take it. Take it! ( moves to discreetly look into the box) LEGAL\ \1

13 12 I stole some china pieces and figurines too, weeks ago. Did you notice they were missing? (laughs) No, I just thought they were among the stuff I smashed when Drexel left. Thanks for cleaning that up, by the way. How are things... between you and Mr. Drexel now? I mean, I heard it was awful, but - STEHANIE I don't believe it's come to this. My housekeeper 'slash' nanny is grilling me about my unfaithful ex-husband and she expects an answer! Jesus, my shrink isn't this intrusive! I'm only asking because I'm concerned about - My shrink charges me an arm and a leg and responds to everything I say with a question. "I feel like punching my associate George Wallace, Dr. Choy." "What's making you feel like that way, Stephanie?" I could tell her I wanted to set fire to my hair and she'd have the same response. "What's making you feel that way, Stephanie?" Mr. Wallace is a nasty piece of work. Before you got the cellphone, he'd leave fifty messages a day for- LEGAL\ \ l

14 13 Don't try to veer off from the subject. What did you hear about me and Drexel and who said it? Come on, give! I... I... heard a rumor from Miss Paulette next door. She said - Paulette Abercrombie talks to you? They must have changed up her medication. She said Mr. Drexel was going to challenge you for custody of the girls and... and the house. She said he and his partner- God, how I hate that term 'partner'. I associate it with the slugs in my firm. But I guess boyfriend is even more gross. (beat) Ever notice that women can call their female friends 'girlfriends', but you never hear a male calling his buddies 'boyfriends'? Well, partner is the socially acceptable term for - Yeah, this week! You think GLBTQ is right, then no, it's supposed to be LGBTQ to appease the lesbians. But what I don't know is, does the 'T' cover the transgender folk or the transsexuals... or both?? And what the hell is queer, exactly? Aren't they ALL? Couldn't that just cover everything they -? Call me old-fashioned, but I think the whole business is just so wrong. Why can't things be -? LEGAL\ \1

15 14 And now it appears they drop the 'Q' most of the time. But hey, don't misunderstand me. I have absolutely nothing against queers. One of them taught me how to deal with my eyebrows when I was a kid. I'd been shaving them with a razor, believe it or not and he told me that I only had to pluck the undersides. Don't they look great? They look beautiful. (beat) I just wonder if he's going to be happy with his choice, Mr. Drexel I mean. What? Happy? Happy?! He's a thrill-seeker, a live-in-the-moment type. This guy is just his latest thing, his current adventure. That was me, once upon a time. (beat, as rummages in box. Pause.) You know what the worst of it is? Not that he left me for a man, no, that I could take. Stuff like that happens in the brave new hip world. The thing I hate is that the guy's from a rival firm and he's going to represent Drexel pro bono! That really, really bites! You didn't care when he left? You didn't love him? Drexel?! Love? Love! Hah! More like tolerate! I suppose I wasn't woman enough to fix him. (laughs) Jesus, makes him sound like some kind of tomcat! The guy's an idiot! He insists on using paper seat liners in public toilets, but he thinks nothing of having anonymous sex in parks. That sounds absolutely awful! Do you mean to say he -? LEGAL\ \1

16 15 I'm lucky to be alive! Drexel is a nut! Always changing and experimenting! Do you know that last year, when you were in Florida on that death penalty case, he dyed his hair black, then green, then purple, then finally just balded his head? And he has perfectly wonderful blonde hair. Why do it, what was the point? Because he's a non-stop circus, always reinventing himself, but he just stays the same stupid clown. (laughs) I almost called the police when he walked in with that black hair! I didn't know it was him! Really glad I missed it! And borderline psychopathic? He had a gang of boys following him around when he was young. They'd go in a pack, cornering women and feeling them up, middle-age ladies, on their way to the market! He told me this as if it was funny and I was supposed to laugh! It doesn't sound very funny to me. That could have been me or my mother - He got kicked out of the Marines, then he was a cokehead, then a performance artist and actor. LEGAL\ \l

17 16 Was he always religious, or is that something new too? ( throws hands in the air.) He used to drag the girls out of bed to take them to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. That's abusive in my opinion. The guy's a megalomaniac. Yes, and then, the next day, he wouldn't let them open their presents or even eat Christmas cookies until he read from Leviticus. The whole thing! (beat) McKayla was very religious, for a time. She was going to join one of those groups that promise to be... to stay pure until marriage. Oh yeah? And how's that going, huh? And I just bet you know! I really don't think I should say... (beat) But I believe she's wearing a purity ring. And she talked a lot about ' crushing' on the Lord. Nowadays - What? You mean, God as a love interest?! I'd better get her to my shrink! Well, it's better than a girl trying to prove her worth by having... involvements with men. Let's hope it's boys at this juncture. Have you usurped my motherly role and taught them all about menstruation, VD and sex, too? LEGAL\ \ 1

18 17 Well... I...I yes, I have said that at a certain age - Good job! Stole my thunder along with the forks. Carry on. I sure didn't want to do any of that! But hey, those virginity pledges? How come they don't have that for guys?! That's a good point, Miss Stephanie. Well, I'm damn glad I was in DC on the Bradley vs. Cory Industries case during the Drexel bible thumping phase. That is the time period you're talking about, am I right? (beat) I was gone a hell of a lot. Yes, you're right. Bradley vs. Cory. Washington. You should have told me Drexel was doing things like that. It's not like I didn't call. He could have been doing worse things. Reading from the bible isn't so - My ex-husband, the Danger Nut, thriving on the adrenaline rush. Never satisfied. He gets a Harley and changes the handlebars every week. First it's super high like this (demonstrates), then he wants it like this (spreads arms), then he wants it way out in front (extends arms). LEGAL\ \1

19 18 Oh, that's funny. And that bike made so much noise. All the dogs on the block just - And it costs big money to make those changes, my money! Never satisfied. He'll get tired of the sexual novelty and kick August to the curb too, mark my words. (Takes a chess set from the box) Hey, look at this. I haven't played in ages. I wonder if all the pieces are here? August? That's-? That's Drexel's new squeeze, yeah. (lining up the chess pieces) Do the girls know? You're kidding, right? How do you tell a couple of already mixed up pre-teens that their father is a queer and that he and his new man want to live with them? Is there an instructional book for that? Well, I don't - You're the one who used to bring in those flea-bitten books from the library for them, like "Hooked on Phonics". Is there something for this situation, say, "My Daddy Wants to Hump Other Men, Not Mommy Anymore"? LEGAL \ \ I

20 19 You should be glad you're rid of him. He used to make me clean the bathrooms with ammonia! My eyes burned like the dickens. He said his mother did it twice a day. I guess he should have married her then. (they go for an unenthusiastic 'high-five) I just wish he would have done this current shape-shifting when the girls were babies, so that they wouldn't know what's going on. Now they'll get it. (beat) It's humiliating. Maybe they'll think it's... fine. Maybe they'll understand. Understand what? That nobody in their right mind would want to live with me? No, that... love happens. And it can't be denied. (beat) But... it isn't about not wanting to live with you. You're... you're never here. How could it be about that? (pause) What are you going to do? I'm going to smote him, what else?! This is my house, bought and paid for by me and those are my girls! He doesn't matter! (beat) Oh perfect, the queen is missing from this chess set. I don't understand that game. I just know the king can't do much and the queen is the most powerful piece and can move anywhere and destroy everyone. LEGAL\ \1

21 20 But the whole stupid game is about protecting the king and trapping him. (throws the set into the Goodwill pile) Out. Queen's gone, no sense keeping it. Maybe she's somewhere in the house. She's gone. (Pause as organizes sewing kit and goes through the box.) You said... you said you were going to... what was that word you used? You're not supposed to make sense of what I say. You're not even supposed to be here. (Takes a wig or weave out of the box and shakes it in 's face) Do you have any idea what it's like to wear a thing like this in the summer? I have a whole room where piles of them live. Here, take it. This one cost almost a grand. Miss Stephanie, I really don't have any use for- But you didn't mind taking my other crap, right? The good stuff, like the bracelet? Oh, I get it; this thing was on my head. You're like those people in the South who didn't want to be in the same pool with a Black person, but they didn't have any qualms about those same people preparing their food and raising their precious kids. LEGAL\ \ I

22 21 Why does everything have to about race with you? I don't need a wig. I wouldn't wear a wig. Now you're accusing me of pulling the race card. It's what all you people fall back on when you can't come up with anything else. I've never understood what that race card business means. That's because - And anyway, I don't think it's right for you to put me in the same category as those kinds of people. My kin came over from the potato famine and they were treated just as bad as- Not "from" the potato famine, because of it. Jesus! But no way, it's not the same! Don't even try to say that! (long pause) You know what my theory is, why everybody is so down on Black people? It's an atavistic thing. I don't know what that word means. I just know that - ( throws several wigs on the 'Maureen' pile.) LEGAL\ \l

23 22 It means something that's ingrained, something that's a throwback from long ago, something that people aren't even aware of. Do you know about the middle ages, when there was the black plague? ( shrugs, bemused) The thing was ravaging Europe and Asia and those peoples' skin turned black when they got sick. That was the sign that they had the plague. I don't know about - People in Africa never had the plague, but I swear, the fear and hatred got carried over to the current... why are you looking at me like that? I'm just concerned about you, Miss Stephanie. Your expression looks so fierce and- You really mean my complexion, don't you? The color of mud... or worse? If you would only-! You think I should be docile and brainless, like one of those shuffling servants from "Gone With the Wind", don't' you? Or bursting with glee, 'happyfying' everything, like something off a syrup bottle? You can't stand it that I'm a high-powered attorney and a woman of position and you're nothing but a... LEGAL\ \ I

24 23 A what? Go on, say what you want to say. You may be my employee, but you're just like Drexel. He always looked down on me with those blue eyes of his, even though I was the one financing, running and calling the shots on everything. The whole time we were together, I just know he wanted me to call him master. That is such an awful thing to - Bottom line? You all think you 're better. Maybe you imagine we think we're better. And why paint all Whites with the same -? What do you know about what I've lived through? And my girls are just as bad! They blame me for their unruly hair, can you believe that? It's the first thing they come up with when it comes to getting genes from me. Never mind that Drexel probably has the Klan or Nazis in his background. No, they're concerned about hair! They have fine, curly blonde - I'll say one thing: Drexel and I were crusaders for exogamy! LEGAL\ \1

25 24 I'm sorry, you've lost me. That word - Look it up. McKayla told me she wished Drexel had married a White woman so that she would have turned out 'all right'! Can you imagine your child saying something like that to you?! She must have been mad at you about something else. She was taking something else out on you. Those girls have everything they could possibly want. You've done so much for- I'm in the courthouse and I hear some of these kids talking, the ones there to support other kids in leg irons. They seem to think it's fun to say things like "niggah, please" and I hear the girls referring to their boyfriends as 'my niggah'. If I ever hear one of my girls say that word... (slams fist into palm). Oh, I've never heard -! I don't even like it when they call each other 'girl'. (mimics) "Girl, please". It's pathetic. And that swiveling head on the neck thing some Black women do when they're getting all sarcastic or up in somebody's face? (tries to do it). I can't make my neck do that! It won't go! And I'd better not see my girls doing it either!! Just what do you want them to identify as? It's not as if they can - LEGAL\ \1

26 25 They don't belong anywhere. They're not Black enough for the Blacks and they don't have names like Shetwanna or LaDonna. They don't fit in with the Whites because, well, I don't have to tell you why. I'm afraid you do, Miss Stephanie. It's because of that 'one drop rule'. Surely you've heard of it? They look like both you and Mr. Drexel. They're so beau- But we don't fit in anywhere! Everybody stared at us! When I took them to the Mall in the double-wide stroller, people treated me like I was their nanny. Or like I'd kidnapped them. You imagined that, I'm sure. I was glad when they started to look semi-negroid. I didn't have to explain anymore! But... they' re still... light-skinned... LEGAL\ \1

27 26 Kinky blonde hair and green eyes. High yaller, all the way. Hypodescent versus hyperdescent. Ha-ha, I can see I've lost you again, Maureen! Yessir, my girls are special. I can spot them a mile away in a group of Black kids. And in a group of White kids, too, for that matter. And they're the prettiest of the bunch, aren't they? They resent me for my genetic contribution, but they don't resent him for anything! (savagely throwing clothes in the air as she sorts them) Maybe they will now! They break brushes when they fix their hair. Do your kids? ( opens her mouth to answer) Ever notice that when you read a novel, you're never informed of a character's ethnic composition unless that person is Other Than White? Ever notice that? Of course you don't! (beat) Do you even have kids? I've worked for you for twelve years and this is the first time you've asked me anything about my personal life. It's called being professional. It's not smart to get involved with the help? That is not a dirty word! It's better than the menials. I don't know what I would have done without you here all these years. I can't say that enough! LEGAL\ \1

28 27 I don't think you've ever said it, until today. My great-grandmother was a maid, too. I never knew her. She's just a sad looking woman in black and white photographs. No color pictures of her exist. Well, my great-grandmother was probably a slave. The only thing I inherited from her was my looks and a silver soup ladle that she probably carried out of the masta's house in her apron pocket. (beat) I take it out every so often and polish it. I'm not responsible for what White people did in the past. It's not my fault. It' s history. (beat) And I'm not ashamed of my family. Neither am I and that's mostly because I got above and beyond them! My father was such a bigot! Did the girls ever tell you that my father had a stroke when he met Drexel? Literally? (laughs) We'd eloped, of course and went to see my folks after six months. My father took one look at Drexel and hit the floor like a ton of bricks. What... what did your mother do? I don't remember. I was too busy watching Drexel give my dad mouth to mouth. (beat) Good thing Pops didn't live long enough to witness the clown's latest incarnation! What was it like... meeting Mr. Drexel's parents? LEGAL\ \1

29 28 They're "children of the sixties", as they like to say and believe, so they were all for our union. They kept telling me about Medgar Evers and Frederick Douglass and all I could do was shake my head and agree. They knew more about that civil rights crap than I did t So, it was just your father who had the... strong reaction? I failed himt He'd devoted his life to financing my education and career. He'd scraped and sacrificed, so that meant I was supposed to marry the man of his choice. Well, guess what- You take after him. (quickly) I mean... the hard work you do and getting everything your girls want, I mean. They have all the latest gadgets and they're always bent over them, their little thumbs and fingers going a mile a minute. (demonstrates) Yeah, it's a whole new take on twiddling ones thumbs. You know what I hate? When you're out with someone and they're on those things. You see people in restaurants sitting across from each other, both of them texting somebody or following what somebody's doing instead of talking to each other. I've given up trying to figure out what some of those gizmos are for. I don't even own a cellphone and it's getting harder and harder to find a working payphone when you need to - LEGAL\ \ 1

30 29 It costs a fortune to keep the girls up to speed, but I can afford it. I've earned it. (beat, as extracts clothes and tosses them in the various piles) You should get some of the credit. I probably owe a lot of my success to you. How else could I have accomplished anything, having to come home to squalling babies, in stereo? Yes, well- I didn't have to worry. I could just go off to work. I didn't have to think about what they were up to during the day; YOU were here. You were... if you hadn't been... It's like they're your kids. The three of you have even got the 'M' thing going on. But they respect you and love- And dirty diapers? Get outta here!! I couldn't have done it. And honestly, I'm glad I had a job that kept me away all day and on weekends too. Glad! When you stay home with kids, your brain turns to mush! And you can't get anything done, unless of course you're that lady who wrote all those Harry Potter books. Probably all her kids had diaper rash. And neuroses up the Yazoo. But you want to know what the real irony is? I couldn't wait for the girls to grow up and leave so that I could screw Drexel in peace! Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but he could really lay me out. So intense and sensitive. He was divine, a prince among toads. (beat) Even his tears tasted good. LEGAL\ \ l

31 30 He seems like the kind of person who would enjoy watching others suffer. Perhaps he even tortured or hunted his own pets. Not sure why you're saying that, Maureen. (beat) Are either of the girls exhibiting that kind of behavior? No, no, not at all! Interesting, cruel to animals. Is that what you think of me as, an animal? Of course not! I didn't mean... you're putting words...i can't keep up. You switch from subject to subject! Please don't -! You should see me in court. Is it like... Judge Judy? Couldn't tell you. I've never watched that idiocy. (Takes a paddle ball from the box and begins to whack the ball expertly) This is mine, believe it or not. It's wonderful for hand to eye exercise coordination and relieving stress. (beat) I should have used it on those kids of mine! Or him! LEGAL\22694l58\l

32 31 You clearly had a... rocky time with Mr. Drexel. I've... heard you say that often enough on... on the phone to your friends. I have no friends. You should make some girlfriends. If you're talking about the kind of women who go out shopping and want to drag you into every damn store and try on stuff and tell them what you think of how they look in it, no, I don't have time for low I.Q. activities or people like that. I heard you complaining to someone about Mr. Drexel and assumed it was a girlfriend. It was probably George Wallace, my co-counsel. I tell him everything. (beat) Just what did you hear me say? You said you were glad when Mr. Drexel left. You said he was a selfish creep and a drag on your finances and a waste of time- And that's all true! Still, it kills. You' ll never understand it unless it happens to you. When you're in a relationship or God forbid, a marriage, somebody taking what's yours is going to kill you, even if you don't want that person anymore. Get it? (pause) It kills. LEGAL\ \1

33 32 ( holds up a black dress to herself) I remember when he told me about... he told me he'd met this guy at his golf club and they'd gone to a movie and they'd seen the kind of thing I wouldn't walk across the street to see, Rambo Part XI or something. He whined that I was never available to go out with him, blahde-blah... It sounded innocent and boring enough, but then he was talking about this guy and spending quality time with him. Soon I suspected that they'd become fast and sticky friends. When he finally told me, I refused to have sex with him, but he still wanted me and I made him beg for it like the dog he was, knowing I'd never touch him again. Why the hell am I telling you this? It makes you feel better. (beat) Does it? This dress is you! It would be perfect for a funeral. (Throws dress on 's pile) Could come in handy very soon. I really don't think we're even the same size, Miss - What's this guy got... besides the obvious? Well, he's gained a selfish, childish, small-minded man, that much is for sure. Mr. Drexel really dropped the ball, I'd say, as a parent. He never had the ball in his hands. Well, he does now! (They laugh or almost go for the high-five) LEGAL\ \ 1

34 33 And you say they want the girls and the house? Who knows if it's 'they'. Drexel always said the girls creeped him out because he couldn't tell them apart and we all know they just love pretending to be each other. They try to do that with me, but I know ways to identify them. McKayla has a - You'd think as their father, Drexel would figure something out. He just didn't want to make the effort, I guess. (beat) So, how do you tell them apart? Never mind. It doesn't matter to me which one is which; they're a unit. (beat) Besides, they're both me! (quietly) It doesn't surprise me that you can't tell one from the other, since you don't see them very often. What do they need me for, besides to pay the bills? They've got you. (Pause, as they work on their prospective tasks, in angry, jerking movements) Have you met him... the... the...? LEGAL \ \ I

35 34 The boyfriend? August? Of course. I've had dinner with them downtown a few times. I even know their damn dog's name. Robot. I'm trying to remember the last time I saw you having dinner with your girls. I'm not trying to settle ADR with my girls! My socializing with Drexel was about nothing but business and self-preservation. What is...? ADR? Alternative Dispute Resolution. It means we settle without going to court. I'd sure like to do that, just pay them off and watch them ride into the sunset. Maybe they' ll go live in a state where they can get married. "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." Hah! I could show up and be all those things! But the 'blue' would signify me holding my breath or my head in the oven, not sadness, understand that? I'm sure your marriage meant a lot to Mr. Drexel, Miss Stephanie. Sure, if you're talking alimony. (sighs) I know you don't mean it, but it's mighty white of you to say it, Maureen. (beat) It's funny, Drexel's told August all about our time together, all the highs and lows and fights. All the stuff we did in the sack, too. LEGAL\ \ 1

36 35 That's quite an invasion of your-! Don't be such a prude! I think it's hysterical! But there are some things that are sacred. Some of our fights were classic. In the early days, I used to lock him out of the house when he came home after midnight, you know, with the deadbolt? He' d stand outside whimpering and knocking for hours. Then I'd lock him out of the bedroom when I finally let him in the front door. That must have been stressful for - We had fights like you wouldn't believe. There was this particularly colorful one where I made a special trip to the grocery store to get us lamb chops. He complained that he didn't like the sauce I made for them, so I threw the jar of mint jelly across the room at his head. And Mr. Drexel told... his partner about that? Oh yeah! When things get heated between the two of them, August just says the words 'mint jelly' and it de-escalates everything! LEGAL\ \ l

37 36 Did you hit him... with the jar? You bet! Had to drive him to the ER for five stiches. He still has a nice scar on his forehead from it. This was before the girls were born. (Pause, STEPANIE works on the box contents and unravels thread spools.) How did it feel... to see them together? Mr. Drexel and... that fellow? They weren't holding hands or soul kissing at the dinner table, if that's what you're getting at. I certainly didn't mean - He finally told me he was moving out when he returned from one of his soul-searching, disappearing junkets. Oh, yes, I know. I stopped calling the police and hospitals after the first couple of times. But... he... just showed up with the man? Of course! At my office! All happy and glowing and wanting to have a group hug! I think he expected me to break out the fatted calf and celebrate! LEGAL\ \1

38 37 What did you do? I punched Drexel in the face and broke his jaw. (beat) But I'm over it now. I wonder. These people that fool around? They all work off the same script. 'I didn't plan it, it just sort ofhappened.' 'If only you'd been there for me.' 'It' s just sex, not love.' God! And now they' re setting up house! 'My head was somewhere else when we were together.' That's got to be my favorite. Come on, you must have heard a few of them in your time. Share! I've never really been in a relationship. It's always been just me and Meaty. And that is-? My cat. Idiotic name. How old is it? Ages. Maybe fifteen years old. I think he may be deaf. LEGAL\ \ l

39 38 Why? Because he doesn't come when you call? MAUREEEN His ears don't move around anymore. Maybe he's not interested in anything you're saying. Had him neutered, did you? No, I didn't have to. He never leaves the apartment. So he sits in the window all day, wishing he could get out and jump on felines, then he runs around like a tornado all night? He ran around at night when he was a kitten, not anymore. I never had a pet. My mother couldn't stand the thought of cleaning up after them, called it cat dirt instead of cat shit. (beat) Makes you wonder how she stomached having six kids. My father said they give you diseases and they just die and break your heart. I say big deal, just go out and buy a new one. You can't do that with children. LEGAL\ \ l

40 39 What's that supposed to mean? When things... don't go the way you want with them, you can't just - You know what really burns me up? When single people start talking about what it's like to have kids, or worse, how things should be done. Like Oprah. She's over there giving advice and getting paid up the ass for it, but she's never -! I love Meaty as if he were my own child. Do you dress it up in clothes, too? Don't answer! Like I said, you're a pitiful cliche. Cats. I can't stand those things. The aroma of the litter box is the first impression you get from somebody's house. With kids, it's toys. If there's kids, there's going to be a minefield of toys. (beat) One good thing about the girls finally turning into teen-agers: no Legos to step on. I use an organic peat mixture for Meaty and I know for sure that it does not smell - Cats are evil and gross. They lick their privates, then your face. You wake up and they're asleep on your head. Who knows what they're thinking when they're looking at you with those satanic eyes? ( pulls an Etch-a-Sketch from the box) LEGAL\ \ 1

41 40 Hey, lookit this! Believe it or not, this is mine, too. The girls couldn't understand the purpose of it. It doesn't have batteries or some app telling you what to think. They couldn't handle it. (Pause, as works the knobs of the Etch-a-Sketch.) So. Just what were you doing... before you came out here? Were you giving yourself... a home permanent? ( plops down on the couch, removes the towel from her hair, then continues to fiddle with the Etch-a-Sketch) I was taking a shower and then decided to cut out all the extensions from my hair. When I'm found... (shakes head, smiles) I'm glad I did it. I've forgotten what I really look like. I even pried off my fake talons. (holds up, waves a hand) (Pause) I hope you didn't put the wet towels and bath mat straight into the dryer. Both of the girls said they weren't doing it, so- ( glares at her. Pause) Your hair. It's quite... it looks soft. Shut up, you're not on the clock yet. No, I mean it. You look better with your real hair. And... and with no make-up, too! I think all those things women do to themselves is toxic. And for what, to attract a man? Phooey. LEGAL\ \1

42 41 My girls do it because they want to look older. Why are they in such a hurry to grow up? Don't they realize they're going to be hags before they know it? McKayla doesn't wear make-up. She obeys you. Yes, my McKayla. How's the other one, the penultimate child taking my dictum of not wearing war paint to school? Penultimate. I should call her the tumultuous child. Madison's not a bad girl. She's just... head strong. And she's got a temper on her, that one. A boy at school told her it sounded like garbage when she played the flute and she hit him with the thing and knocked some of his teeth out. Oh really? So why didn't the school contact me? The boy was too afraid of her to report it. I...I heard her telling somebody about it over the telephone. When the hell was this? Oh, several months ago. (quickly) It's all blown over now, I'm sure. They may even be going steady for all I - LEGAL\ \1

43 42 Good thing I didn't know about it! I would have put her in reform school! I think... I think that teenagers are the way they are because it becomes clear to them at that age that the world they're getting is pretty bad and that adults are hypocritical and don't deserve their respect. (Pause) You're speaking from experience about your own brood, I take it? (beat) How many kids did you say you have? I don't have children. Why not? Anatomical issues? People always assume a female has or wants children and if we don't have them, we couldn't or we're homosexuals. (beat) I just didn't want them. (Pause) Well, if you ever do, take my advice and mate with somebody from your own ethnic group. That's just one of the many things those girls hold against me, the inescapable fact that I don't look like them. LEGAL\ \1

44 43 But that's just - As if it's my fault that they got badgered every time I showed up at the damn school. Then I'll bet they wondered why I sent you for their parent-teacher conferences. It wasn't just because I had to work, it was so the other kids would stop asking, "Are you adopted?" "Is that your real mom?" They just had to let me know! Jesus! Can you imagine what that feels like? No, and I'm sorry that - It's like this boyfriend I had who brought me to meet his parents and they were all nice and welcoming and blah, blah, blah. A few days later, he lets on that his mother told him, "don't ever bring that nigger to this house again". What do you think is worse, Maureen, that the mother said that, or the fact that the boyfriend just HAD to let me know?! These were... White people? Of course! I've only been with one Black guy. It was... it felt weird, masturbatory. Gave me the creeps. I don't know that word. Do I have to wear a dictionary around my neck to communicate with you? LEGAL\ \1

45 44 Which word? Weird? Creeps? (beat) Come right down to it, all men are pretty creepy. Well, all I can say is that you and Mr. Drexel produced two wonderful children. I look forward to coming here and being with them every day. Didn't you ever want to have a child? I'm way past the age to contemplate such things, thank goodness. You've made those girls your own, Maureen Winkle. (Pause. shows what she's been doing on the Etch-a-Sketch) Look, I've made your name. That is... that is marvelous! How in the world did you get that thing to make curves and.. and aw-! (shaking the Etch-a-Sketch) I'm a woman of many talents. Why did you erase it? It was so perfect. That pretty flower - LEGAL\ \1

46 45 What am I going to do, frame it? (Continues to work on the Etch-a-Sketch) So how much make-up is Madison wearing? A lot. I hardly recognize her when she gets on the bus in the morning. One time McKay la did it, too, just to throw me off, or to see ifl was paying attention. (pause) I'm not supposed to tell, but McKay la went and got herself one of those tailbone tattoos. Doesn't she know that she's advertising herself as a tart?! You know what they call those things in Britain? Tramp stamps! I'll murder her! It's the way I tell her apart from Madison, if she's wearing low waist pants, that is. The way kids dress nowadays! At least it's not as bad as the boys. I think that falling down pants style is so vulgar. Ever see a boy try to run for the bus when his pants are all twisted up? Now that is hilarious. I went to Catholic school, so all kids nowadays dress like hoodlums in my book. They knew how to discipline kids in those schools. I'll never forget the time some boy got out of line and the head nun made three other boys hold him down while she slapped him in the face. Oh my, what had he done? No recollection. Probably didn't call her 'Sister' with enough reverence in his voice or something. (beat) Stephen Perron, one of the many kids who tormented me. He was a rough boy, but he cried. It was awful. Awful fun to watch. (beat) And what's the butt tattoo of? LEGAL\ \I

47 46 A butterfly. I think. I only see the tops of it. Maybe it's a virginity pledge tattoo. (beat) The ink parlor that gave a thing like that to a minor without my consent should be sued. (heavy sigh) I'm going to log onto my computer to find out what time it is. ( starts off. bolts to the box of stuff and peers into it.) What are you going to do with the rest of these things? You're not finished sorting through it. I'm finished. I am so finished. But look, these little dresses. (Takes dresses from the box.) Did the girls ever wear them? There's not a stain on them. I only kept those because my grandmother made them. (beat, as handles the dresses) Look at that workmanship. Still holding up. They're so small. It's hard to believe the girls were ever this small. He's going to get them. I just know it. I'm not going to win this one. He's going to win. LEGAL\ \1

48 47 If that happens, do you think Mr. Drexel will be able to care for -? What are you worried about, your damn job? He'll probably get the girls and the house, then keep you on! I'm the one who's going to have to go! But why would it be -? Some father! He wasn't even there when they were born. He passed out at the entrance of the hospital, just from the smell of the place. There wasn't even any blood or needles around! He fainted right in the doorway, had to be admitted himselfl What did he do when he woke up? Who the hell knows? I never saw him the whole time I was going through 15 hours of labor! "I'm gonna pass out", he says. "No you're not", I say. Then boom, he's on the ground in a pile. And he thinks he's going to take those babies from me now! But when he got hit with the mint jelly - He was out cold when we arrived. LEGAL\22694l58\I

49 48 So this other time, when you gave birth. Did he have a stroke... like your father? I'm sorry to ask that, but - Drexel didn't have a stroke! He just fainted like the wuss he is! (paces) I'm not going to see him get my babies. He's just muscling in at the 'fun' age, when the diapers and toilet training and teething and measles and learning to walk are over. ( opens her mouth to object) I know, don't say it! YOU were the one who went through all that crap with them! I was going to say that they're going to be teen-agers soon. (Pause, as they both think about this.) Toilet training is a cake-walk compared with what's to come! The black hole of secrecy. It's already starting. You come up behind them when they're on those laptop gadgets and they close it up like a coffin. (claps hands) Snap! Like a coffin. (Pause. returns to the sewing box.) I have no earthly idea how you manage to discipline them, assuming you do. (beat) Do you? I had to... only once. I heard McKayla on the phone telling one of her friends about the fun day she'd had at the Mall grabbing women's purses. What the hell?! You mean, snatching them and running?! I'll murder her! LEGAL\ \ l

50 49 No. You see, she'd go in a bathroom stall and wait for a woman to come in and put her purse on the floor. And once the woman started... doing her business, McKayla grabbed the purse and ran out. (laughs) Oh, I could just imagine the poor woman in mid-stream, seeing her purse being dragged away! How the hell is that different from snatching a purse and running? Not much. But you've got to admit, it's less risky... and imaginative. She never took anything, just threw the purse in the sink. Some kind of crazy fun. Imaginative?! Fun?!! So this is the kind of thing you're teaching my girls, Maureen?! No! I told you that I disciplined McKayla! I -! God! Let's hope so! So what was the punishment? You beat her within an inch of her life, I hope! I made her clean all the bathrooms in the house. All seven of them. With a toothbrush, military-style. Every single tile had to be scrubbed with foaming ammonia. That's not good enough! It sounds like something Drexel would approve of! It's like he's already in residence, in charge of everything. Dammit! I would have -! LEGAL\ \1

51 so You weren't here to even know about it!! Ow!! Pin cushion. I didn't see that little rascal hiding in there. (beat) Do you really think Mr. Drexel and his partner would be a positive role model for -? Will you get off me?! I want out! (beat) Did you know that when something big and sharp, say, a big knife or a piece of lumber, gets impaled in the body, you're not supposed to pull it out yourself? You're supposed to let it stay in there until someone else can safely remove it and stanch the blood. That's what Drexel feels like to me, something impaled! Would you like me to fix you something to eat? And lose my appetite for the fabled pot roast? If you knew anything about cooking or your girls' schedule, you'd know that a roast would never be ready by the time they're due to arrive. Which is when? ( smiles and continues to organize the sewing box.) It shouldn't make any difference to you. (beat) I read the letter... the one that was addressed to me. I'm sorry, I thought it was about the groceries or dry-cleaning. (STEHANIE whirls and looks at the envelopes on the mantelpiece) LEGAL\ \1

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