The Five Keys to Saving Your Marriage Now!

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1 The Five Keys to Saving Your Marriage Now! by Liam Naden

2 My name is Liam Naden and I want to welcome you to this report in which I want to outline for you 5 Keys to Saving Your Marriage. Now I guess the real reason you're here is because your marriage is in trouble. And you know, you're not alone. We all know the statistics on how many marriages are failing these days. But I think one thing you need to realize first off is that I don't think it's really that surprising that so many marriages are failing. And why is that? Why do I say that? Well, for a number of reasons but firstly, when you think about society today, society has become incredibly complex. There are so many demands on people. And that impacts directly on our relationship and our marriage. If you think back to just a few decades ago - to our parents or our grandparents generation - a lot of these complexities and pressures just weren t there. It really was simpler and easier to put together a marriage and make it work successfully. But I think there's another reason and that is: we're actually not taught on how to build a relationship and how to really communicate properly with our partner or our spouse, and how to really create true intimacy. The education system certainly talks about the biological aspects of a relationship, but what about the emotional aspects and the real communication tools that you need to make a relationship work? We're just not taught these things. The real problem is that when things go wrong and we realize we want to fix them and save our relationship, we don't have any tools with which to deal with them. We do have tools that are outdated and that's what I think traditional counseling has become. Outdated (unfortunately). The old tools worked perfectly well in many ways in our parents and our grandparents generation, but they're not just designed to deal with the pressures and complexities that we all have today. Page 1

3 The problem with traditional counseling is that what it tends to focus on is dealing with the symptoms rather than the cause of the problem. If your marriage is falling apart - that is the real problem! All of the symptoms - which are your arguments, your not communicating, maybe one of you has moved out already - those are all just the symptoms. But there is a core reason why your relationship or your marriage is falling apart, and that's what I want to talk about and give you some ideas about in this report. But I also want to give you some good news! That good news is there have been advances in human psychology and in understanding the way people think and the way we're all wired in our brains. And what that's given us is new tools that we can use to really make relationships work in the 21st century. They're applicable to our modern situation and our modern society and they can really help us change our behavior - because one thing I'm going to make clear to you in this report is that it's your behaviors that really determine what's going on in your relationship. You probably know that anyway but I'm going to make it a lot clearer and show you how you can actually change things fundamentally. Now, how I came to this, and a personal level, I'm not one of these people who can say to you, I've been happily married for 35 years to the same person! We've never had an argument! We've got a perfect relationship and we're falling in love more and more each day! I've actually come to this from the opposite angle. I've been through several pretty bad relationships myself, including a couple of marriages, one a long-term marriage. And the thing was, they always started well! (I guess most relationships start well, don't they?) But after time, things went off the rails and they ended in tears. Finally, in one relationship, I lost absolutely everything. I realized that it Page 2

4 was time I really figure this stuff out! What really makes a relationship work? How can you create a relationship where things get better and better all the time, the intimacy and communication improves with time rather than deteriorates? And when things start to go off the rails, how can you deal with that in a way that's not going to be fatal to the marriage or to the relationship? So I really started to study this and I did this in several ways. Firstly, I've got quite a background and and have done a lot of work in the personal development field and in the areas of human performance and how we get results in our life. So I was able to start to apply some of those ideas to the whole field of marriage and relationships. But the other thing I started to do - and this is something very powerful - is that I started to look at other couples who have great relationships. Now I'm sure you will agree - even though we've talked about it and we know the very high percentage of marriages that end in divorce and tears - that there is a small percentage of people who have marriages where things do get better and better with time. You might have seen some of these people. These are the sort of couples who are all over each other! They might have been together 10 or 20 years but they seem to be really in love. They hang out with each other. They're still really passionate and intimate with each other. They laugh, they have fun together, and they're really, really close. So there is a small percentage of people who do have great relationships - and they do get better. So what I started to think about and look very closely was: What are these people doing and thinking that is giving them a Page 3

5 completely different result to most people who find their marriage falling apart or at the very least, getting boring and dull and unfulfilling? I really started to look closely at other people s relationships - these very good relationships - and I started to see some patterns emerge. For most of these people, what they were doing was totally subconscious and unconscious. They really weren t aware of it but they had managed to (maybe by luck more than anything else) get their relationship to a place where they were doing the right things and they were thinking the right things that meant their relationship continued to develop. And if from time to time they went off the rails and things went off track, it wasn t fatal. They could heal their marriage very quickly, heal the hurt and pain and get things right back on track again. So what I did with all of this is that I started to then apply it to my own relationship. I started to see how I could create some tools here and develop some ideas that would really make my relationship work and not only be good but get better and better with time. And then I started to also help other people with some of these tools. And quite honestly, the results for me and for others have been quite amazing. Now I want to say here that when I talk about tools, these aren t difficult things. In fact, some of these things are remarkably simple and people think, Well, I know that! Well, you might know it, but you're not actually doing it, because the key with some or all of these things is that they need a mindset. You need to be thinking about your relationship in a particular way. And in fact, it's not so much about what you're doing, but it's about what you're thinking that's going to create the results in your relationship. So now let's get on to the five keys to saving your marriage which incorporate some of these tools and ideas. I realize you're probably here because you're in a lot of pain. You're not looking for a long-term Page 4

6 solution. You want results now - and it's possible to achieve dramatic results quickly without going through the 'old school' counseling method of going over your problems and talking them through, and trying to fix all of the little things that add up to everything just falling apart in your marriage. So the First Key to saving your marriage is: Focus on what you want rather than focus on your problems. Now, in traditional counseling and for most people, when they think about fixing or saving their marriage, they think things like, I've got all of these problems, how do I solve all my problems? So my wife is leaving. How do I stop her walking out the door? We're having an argument. How do I stop the argument or how do I avoid the argument starting in the first place? In all of these things, the problem is (if you forgive the overuse of the word problem ) that just by focusing on the problems, you're dealing with the symptoms and not the cause. I'll give you an example here. Imagine you've got a house and you come in one day and there's a crack on the wall. You could do two things. Firstly, you could look at the crack and say, Oh there's a crack on the wall! It needs fixing. So you go then to the hardware store and you get some plaster and paint and whatever else you need, and you plaster up the crack and you paint over it. It looks like the problem is solved! The next day you come in and then on another wall there's another crack, and this time it's even bigger! So then you do the same thing. You say, Okay, there's another problem. I need to solve that. And you Page 5

7 plaster over that crack and it all looks fine. It might be fine for a little while after that. But eventually, you're going to find more and more cracks appearing and what you're ultimately going to realize (if you've got any intelligence at all!) is that you're just dealing with the symptom. The problem is not the crack on the wall. The problem is what's causing the crack on the wall. And that's where you've got to get to the foundation of the house and realize that that's probably why the house is falling down. You're not going to save the house just by plastering up the cracks on the walls. That's why you've got to stop thinking about, talking about or discussing your problems and start to focus on what you want your relationship to look like rather than trying to fix all the problems. That's the first way to focus on what you want rather than your problems: stop trying to solve your problems. Now I know that sounds counterintuitive. And you think, But, I've got all these problems and if I could just solve those, then everything will be fine. I can save my marriage if I can just solve these things. The problem with that approach is you'll never solve those things because like the house (like the walls and the cracks) things are just going to keep reappearing unless you deal with what's causing the problems in the first place. So the other side of that is to think about what you really want and focus on that. Most people, in every other area of their life, if they want success they realize they've got to have goals. For that, they've got to know what they want. So we say: What sort of house do we want? What sort of car do we want? Page 6

8 What sort of job do we want? How much money do we want to make this year? All of these things we have goals for and we have a clear picture (or a relatively clear picture) of what we actually want. But for some reason, we don't do this with our relationships. We don't say, What do I really want? What we do is to settle for what's there. So what you need to do is go back and think: What do I really want in my marriage? How do I want it to look? How do I want to feel? How do I want my partner to feel about me? How do we want to relate? What do we want to be doing together? Come up with a clear picture of what you want. So that's the first step: Focus on what you want and stop focusing on your problems. The Second Key is: Commit to putting your marriage first. One of the interesting things I discovered with the couples who have fantastic relationships (that small percentage), is that this is one of the things they all do. They all put their relationship ahead of anything else. Here is a question to think about: Was there a time in your life when your relationship went really well? Page 7

9 There probably was and, as for most people, when you first got together with your partner, when your relationship was new and you were falling in love with them. That's when things were probably going well. Did you put your relationship first at that time? The chances are, I'm almost certain to bet, that you did! So that's what you need to do again. You've got to realize that your relationship is the most important thing in your life. It's going to affect your happiness more than anything else - and your unhappiness. So you've got to commit to putting your relationship first. A funny thing happens here, when you decide to do this. You're going to notice - if you really decide to take responsibility and do this - you're going to find that your behavior is going to change. But subtly, over time, your spouse s behavior is also going to change! I know what you're probably thinking, Well, I can put my relationship first but my husband or wife isn t, so that's not going to work If you start to take the action first and you start to put your relationship first, you are going to get a reaction in a positive way from your partner as well! What does this mean in practice? When I say putting your relationship first, I don't mean you've got to be with your wife or husband 24 hours a day, do nothing without thinking about them and not have a life of your own. Of course I don't mean that. Remember, the purpose (I believe) of a marriage is actually to make a person more of themself, not less. Marriage isn t about sacrifice. Marriage is about expansion and making more. Through a relationship you can become more of who you are. That's what's really exciting about it. So what this really means in practice is: don't do anything without Page 8

10 considering the impact on your marriage or your relationship first. So if you've got a business meeting or if you want to go off to golf on a weekend, just consider those things and the impact it will have on your relationship. Send the message to your partner or your spouse that you're very aware that your relationship is the most important thing. But you're not just saying it; you're actually making it a priority. Sometimes it might even mean you have to make a sacrifice for your relationship. But I can tell you now, if you make a sacrifice for your relationship - not in a resentful way but in a very loving and unconditional way that is one of the major things you can do to rebuild a marriage that's falling apart, because what you're doing is showing your spouse how important they are to you. And if you're showing them how important they are to you in the right way, eventually they're going to respond back with that feeling as well. Here's another way to put your relationship or your marriage first: show some appreciation to your spouse. When was the last time you did that? Say something to them that shows that you noticed they're there, in an unconditional way. Don't do it with a feeling of resentment but just genuinely let them know that you appreciate that you have a marriage, and that no matter how bad things are at the moment, you actually still appreciate that they're there and that it is the most important thing to you. So a key thing is to commit in your mind that you're going to put your marriage first above everything else in your life. The Third Key is: Only put positive energy into your relationship. Now this is such a big thing and I'm not trying to downplay the problems and the pain that you're facing at the moment. Some of the people I have talked to and helped have had terrible situations that they're Page 9

11 dealing with. But the biggest problem when you're dealing with all the pain is that you are swamped or bogged down in negativity, in negative energy. Whenever you think about your relationship or your marriage it probably gives you feelings of pain, and the problem with that is what tends to happen is that what we focus on we get more of. So if you're focusing on the pain and the problems, you eventually are going to get more of those. You're probably saying to yourself, It's easier said than done. How do I put positive energy into it when things are so bad? There are a couple of practical things you can do. The first thing to do is, only have interaction with your spouse when you're feeling good. Now this means that if you're in a lousy mood, depressed, stressed or whatever, go and do something to snap yourself out of that space before you interact with your spouse or your partner. Try and do something that makes you feel good and then interact with your partner. If you had a hard day at work and you're on your way home and you've got all sorts of problems and you're feeling lousy - what you want to do is just stop. Don't just walk in the door and hope that your spouse is going to make you feel better. No, the key is for you to feel better first and then interact with your spouse in that relationship. In a nutshell, if you're not feeling good, stay away from your partner and try and put yourself in a good space so that you're only interacting with them when you are feeling good. And on the other side, what you can do, if you are feeling in a great mood, why not communicate with them? Send them a text or an or give them a call, or if they're in another room, go into the same room with them and say hi! Just be mindful of your energy and how you're Page 10

12 feeling and realize that you want to put in as much positive energy as you can, no matter how difficult it might seem. Try to put positive energy into your relationship and cut out as much as you can of the negative. The Fourth Key is: Learn to communicate in your partner s language. Now I find this really interesting: most people don't actually know how to make their partner feel good. And the problem is that we as human beings are quite complex and we all have different ways that we take in information and we have different ways of seeing the world. Invariably I find when there's a communication problem with a husband and a wife, that what's happening is that one is trying to communicate something to the other and the other just isn t 'getting' it. You might have (in fact I'm sure you would have) had this experience, maybe many times, where you're trying to communicate something to them, you might be even trying to tell them that you love them, you might be trying to communicate love and appreciation and affection, and they're not responding. They might even be pushing you away. This happens all the time. The classic line that men (usually) are credited with saying is, Well I told you I love you! I married you, didn't I? So you must know that I love you. Why then, in that situation, doesn't the wife feel loved? The reason is that the person is not communicating in the language of the person they're talking to. You might be talking in your language. You might be feeling love. You might be wanting to communicate love. But if your partner feels love in Page 11

13 a different way to the way you're expressing it, then they're just not going to get the message. To give you a practical example, some people really don't like to be touched very much. It's not that they don't find their partner attractive or anything like that, but being physically touched is not the primary way that they experience love and affection. That's not to say that if you're in a sexless marriage or if there's no physical affection between you that's good. That's bad, and there are certainly ways you can get your partner to respond much more physically to you. But you've got to recognize that for many people the most important way of communicating with them is not necessarily physical. There could be other ways. It could be through the sound of your voice. It could be by looking at them in a certain way. So what you've got to figure out is what your partner or your spouse really responds to - if it's the touch, if it's the look, if it's something you say. And also find out what's important to them. People have different priorities in life. Some people like just to be quiet and peaceful and have a secure life. Other people like to have adventure and fun and be out doing exciting things. So you've got to figure out what's important to your partner and, again, communicate to them and give them more feelings of what they like. So that's Key number 4: Find out what your partner s communication language is and communicate in their way. There are two ways of doing that. One is to see how they respond to different ways you approach them, whether you touch them or whether you talk to them. And the second way is to become much more aware of what their likes and their dislikes are and try to accommodate those and encourage their likes and discourage their dislikes, if you know what I mean. Page 12

14 The Fifth Key is: The last key in many ways sums up the previous four and I think you'll get it when I talk to you about it... Do some of the things in your relationship that you stopped doing that used to work. I mentioned earlier on that that in the very beginning of your relationship, things were probably going wonderfully well. I also bet there were things you were doing then and things you were thinking - that you have stopped doing and thinking. And the problem is - particularly when our relationship goes from that new phase of discovering and learning about each other and all that excitement and fun to when we start to build a life together - all of the other pressures and other things start to pile on, such as children, family and building our career. So we're not just for our partner for the good times (which is what we were early on in our relationship) but we're there for the bad times as well. What tends to happen is that we 'settle' and a lot of the things that we did early on that created the fun and excitement, we stop doing. But the other exciting thing that I've discovered is the couples who've got really good relationships, they found a way to keep doing those things! That means spending time together. Now I'll give you another clue on why this works. Think about the previous four keys that I've given you are... Firstly, focusing on what you want rather than on your problems. Isn t that what you did early on in your relationship? If there were any problems there you just brushed them aside, or any faults that you saw in your partner you tended to overlook them? Isn t that what you did? You didn't focus on trying to solve those problems. You just saw Page 13

15 everything in a much more optimistic frame of mind and you focused on what you really wanted, which was to build a great relationship. You also, I'm sure almost certainly, put your relationship first. You scheduled other things around spending time with your partner because it was the most exciting and fun thing you could do, to be with them. And I'm sure you were putting lots of positive energy into your relationship. And even though you probably didn't realize it because there was so much communication going on with your partner - so much positive communication you were probably communicating in their language without knowing it. What tends to happen over time is that we stop communicating in every way possible and we just start to only communicate in our own language, because the intensity diminishes. So you were doing all these things early on in your relationship and chances are they were all working. But the problem is, as for most people, you just stopped doing them. So step number 5 - which is the real key, I think - is to start to identify some of the things that you used to do that made your relationship great that you stopped doing, and try and find ways to do some of those again. And you know, there are two little things that you can do today that would make a huge difference. Most people I talk to have stopped doing these and they are not aware, (A) how important they are to do and what an impact they have, and (B) that they have actually stopped doing them. They ve just forgotten all about them. The first of these two things is to show some appreciation for your partner and for your relationship. When was the last time you said to Page 14

16 them, Hey, I'm really glad that you're in my life! And you don't need to do that just by saying it. You could do it in a text or an or a card. But just show some appreciation. You appreciate them being there. No matter how bad things are - they might have even already left you and the communication might have completely stopped, or you might be arguing all the time - just this one little thing of to break the pattern, if you like, can make all the difference. Just showing a bit of appreciation and saying, Look, I know we've got all these problems and things are pretty bad and I don't know where it's going to go, but actually I still really appreciate the fact that you're in my life can have a surprisingly big effect. The other thing you can do is to acknowledge them. Nothing works better in many ways than paying a compliment to somebody. It can be a compliment in how they look. This works very well for women. Guys - when was the last time you said to your wife, Hey you look really nice in that, or just You look really nice! You could also compliment them on something they've done. Well done for doing that! You did well on that! That worked well! Things like that. So that's all you need to do. If you do those two things alone, it's going to make a huge difference. So show some appreciation for them and for your relationship, your marriage, and pay them a compliment. These are five key things that can really make a huge difference to saving your relationship and your marriage. The real key is to realize that saving your marriage is actually about your mindset. It's not so much what you do. It's about what you think, and the way you look at things and whether you look at things positively or negatively and what's really going on in your mind. Page 15

17 I'm sure you'd agree that the situation you're in, no matter how bad it is, it's the result of behaviors -- certainly from you and certainly obviously as well from your partner. That's created the situation you're in. But what's created the behaviors? What's behind the behaviors? Why have you done the things you've done? You've got to take responsibility and not blame your spouse for where you are. You've got to take responsibility yourself and say, What have I done? How have I behaved to get us to where we are? And ask yourself, Why have I behaved like that? The reason you behaved like that is because of your mindset, your thoughts, your beliefs, the way you're looking at things. And that determined what's happened. So if you can switch that around - and these five key things are all about helping you do that, about changing your mindset - if you can do that, you don't need to deal with the individual problems. You're going to find things are going to shift in the right direction. I hope this has been helpful to you. Apply some of this. I'm sure it's going to make a big difference to helping you get your marriage back, back on track, and to where you really want it to be which is a relationship of fulfillment and true happiness and joy. Page 16

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