YOUR TEENAGER S RECOVERY IS A FAMILY VENTURE (The More Freedom Approach)

Transcription

1 YOUR TEENAGER S RECOVERY IS A FAMILY VENTURE (The More Freedom Approach) What man wants is simply independent choice, whatever that independence may cost and wherever it may lead. --- Fedor Dostoevsky : Notes From Underground (1864) The obvious choice is usually a quick regret. --- American Proverb COPYRIGHT Judge K. Michael Mayes October 30, 2007

2 YOUR TEENAGER S RECOVERY IS A FAMILY VENTURE (The More Freedom Approach) Next to helping a teenager succeed in their recovery from abusing drugs or alcohol, our most important job in our Juvenile Recovery Power Court 1 is to help the family realize what should and should not be done when their teen is out of control. Although we see some parents that have been abusive, who repeatedly make poor choices in the way they raise their child or who simply do not care, 2 these are the exception. Generally the teenagers we accept into Power Court have parents who parent their hearts out and love their teen deeply. These comments are directed to these families. A teenager who abuses drugs or alcohol can wreak havoc in a family. During these tumultuous times a family s very survival depends in large measure on the family s reaction to the behavior of the teen. Most parents subconsciously believe that they are at fault or at least are responsible for their teenager s bad choices, and because of that they attempt to control their kid s conduct with more and more restrictions and punishments. When their child was younger, the parents were able to impose their parental judgment upon their child so that the decisions that the child made were in fact reflective of the parents values. As their child got older and started making decisions on their own, parents naturally feel a loss of control that threatens their sense of power over and security for their child. This loss of control is natural as a child matures into a teenager and then a young adult because, let s face it, kids want to do their own thing. What also is true, however, is that while parents do not want their kids to be kids forever, they also do not want them to grow up too soon. But teens want and need to make their own decisions and it is in these teen age years that life learning choices must be made by the teenager, and that includes a struggling teenager. All teenagers experiment with different choices. Many learn, as they make their own decisions, what are the healthy and safe life choices. Some of the experimentation that teens engage in scares parents, but learning from personal decision making is healthy for kids and it is, in fact, necessary for the child to grow into a responsible teen and adult. Teens are simply young adults trying to make adult decisions with an adolescent brain. Many kids can be gently guided in their decision making and many teens even ask their parents for help in making decisions. If parents allow their teens to engage in this necessary exercise of maturing, most come full circle to good choices and positive decisions These absent or derelict parents may need training and encouragement of a different nature, such as jail therapy.

3 THE VULNERABLE TEENAGER Some kids, unfortunately, experiment in areas that are dangerous and unhealthy, like using drugs or alcohol. Many experiment simply because it is available or because a friend dares them or because they are simply bored. The decision that teens make to experiment in these areas are not the fault of their parents any more than it is the teen s fault because their parents make a few mistakes raising them. By the time a kid is a teenager their brain is demanding that they explore new thinking, take dares and push the envelope. Part of growing up is learning that choices have consequences and bad choices have bad consequences. Regrettably, some teens who venture into such dangerous areas are vulnerable, for various reasons (e.g., low self esteem), to the addictive nature of these destructive lifestyles. Once a vulnerable teen experiments with drugs and other substances, their addictive personalities prevent them from employing any common sense evaluation or rethinking of their choices. One of the primary symptoms of the mental disorder of addiction is its tendency to cause the addict to deny that they are addicted or adversely affected by the drug or alcohol. Couple that with an adolescent brain that is immature intellectually and emotionally and the teenager will rapidly migrate toward decision making that is more destructive and independent of their parents values. Naturally, such a teen does not want their parents input on any decision making since they tend to be more and more secretive. Once a vulnerable teen is under the influence of a mind altering substance, their ability to make healthy choices is compromised in significant ways. Parents of these teens feel an overwhelming need to save their teen or change their behavior. 3 This parental reaction is wholly natural and based on the inner most parental instinct of wanting survival for their child. Unwittingly, parents often react in ways that create more conflict with the teen and increase the teen s desire to act out, break the rules and be secretive. What the parents probably do not realize is that their child s denial of a problem and refusing help or guidance is a part of the disease of addiction. 4 This in turn causes an escalation in the parents reaction and the cycle seems endless as the teen fights all efforts to change their ways and the parents work even harder to control the teen s actions. The teen is totally out of control and the family has no answers. 3 This form of co-dependent behavior can be harmful to the mental health of both the child and the parents. 4 See Mayes, RECOVERY COURTS AND CHARACTER CHANGES (How Jail Plays a Role in Recovery), TIME, The Science of Addiction (July 16, 2007) and HBO Documentary Films, Addiction, 14 Part Series (2007).

4 HELICOPTER PARENTS By the time most families find themselves in the Power Juvenile Recovery Court, they expect the Judge to burden the parents with ever increasing supervision and micromanaging of their teen s life. Parents expect to be told that they should be helicopter parents, always hovering over the teenager with rules and punishments and always tightening the parental noose when the teen disobeys them. Most families are surprised to learn that we spend much of our time convincing them that most kids that abuse drugs and alcohol need more freedom, not more restrictions. How we define freedom, of course, is very important. These kids have made unhealthy choices and invariably these kids have not had to face the logical consequences of those choices. This is mainly because the parents have protected their child from those consequences. Our desire in Power Court is for the family to allow their teen to feel the full brunt of their choices, good and bad. This is what healthy adults face on a daily basis and it is what our teens must face to succeed at their recovery and life. This allows the child to mature in a way that will build their self esteem and confidence. Without minimizing the importance of parental supervision in the early years of a child s life, the micro managing by most parents that has continued into the teenage years generally is not healthy to the family or beneficial to a teen s mental health or recovery. By the time a teen abuses or becomes dependent on mind altering substances the parents have lost any control they ever had anyway and helicopter parenting of these teenagers creates an enmeshed family atmosphere that can be lethal to the sustained recovery of such a teenager. THE FREEDOM TO OWN THEIR OWN CHOICES In short, we ask parents to invest in their child s future by giving the teen the freedom to own their own choices and their own future. This more freedom concept is an entirely new notion for most families, but it is critical to understand and accept if the teen and family are going to succeed in Power Court and in life. Giving a vulnerable teen the freedom to earn their own successes and learn from their own failures by owning their own decisions allows them to grow from their individual successes and mistakes. As important, it frees the family to live and enjoy their own lives independent of the teen s daily struggles. This concept of allowing the parents freedom to live their own lives is foreign to parents of struggling teens because they have been so co-dependent with their teen, literally eating and sleeping all the ups and downs of their teenager s lives. It does not mean the parent is not

5 supportive, but rather that the parent is supportive in a healthy way that gives the young adult room to mature. A step dad recently wrote our Juvenile Recovery Court Team explaining his dilemma when first confronted with this more freedom approach: There is only one issue that I am kind of confused about. Ever since our son got out from being detained [and before being placed in Power Court] all we have heard about is that he needs "constant supervision". Now ever since we have been in Recovery Court we hear "give them space to make their own choices". When our son told Judge Mayes about what he had done [recent violation] our son said that we had grounded him. Judge Mayes replied that he did not like grounding as a punishment because all that does is ground the parents. Considering the fact that this man s son had abused drugs for years, had been in and out of trouble multiple times, had been detained more than once, and was now in our Power Court, the family really had no choice but to try our more freedom approach with their son s addictive lifestyle. With time, the family came to realize that the horrible decisions and real life dilemmas they had fretted over daily for years were not the family s decisions and dilemmas, but were their son s. They had been trying to solve their son s issues for him, causing an entanglement of emotions, guilt, shame and blame. We simply gave them the freedom to back off and let the teen live his life, no matter what the results. Remarkably, over a relatively short time, this family learned how to let the son embrace and suffer the consequences of his choices and as a result the son s decision making improved dramatically. This was because he was the only one making the choices and he was the only one gaining or losing from the choices he made. Previously, his parents lived and died with every decision, often forcing choices upon the teen and many times arguing among themselves what choice their son should make. In this environment the son had no reason to invest his own energies in the decisions made; his parents made all the choices and suffered all the consequences. This step dad ultimately recognized that giving their son the privilege of more freedom not only allowed the teen to learn and earn in a healthy way, but also freed the parents from being so enmeshed and dependent upon their son s life choices. This healthy, interdependent relationship gave them an entirely new view of their son and of their own happiness: We feel that not only has he earned this privilege but we have also. We can help him and continue to teach him right from wrong but the decisions and

6 the responsibilities lie with him now. In my conversations with him and seeing how he acts now, that is the best thing that we could have ever done for him. When parents stay enmeshed in their teen s lives, the natural flow of life, and of the benefits and consequences that occur in life, are disrupted. For example, enmeshed parents cover for their teen ( I didn t want to get her in any more trouble. )( I didn t want him to be put in detention. )( But his birthday is tomorrow and I didn t want him to miss the party we planned. ). When the teen has a good day the parents feel good; when they have a bad day, the parents feel like failures. This unhealthy codependence in a teenager s life is destructive to the teen s growing up as well as the family s daily existence. It is detrimental for the teen and the family. Under the more freedom approach, the teen is given the freedom to own the consequences of their own decisions, good and bad. Healthy self esteem in a teen is primarily based upon a healthy concept of personal responsibility. If a teen does not succeed or suffer consequences based on what they did or did not do, they never learn to believe that their own decisions have value. Parents do not have the right, much less the obligation, to own either the good or the bad of their teenager s choices. If their teen makes a wrong choice such as using alcohol or drugs, then they will and should face consequences, not only from the destructive nature of the substances but also from the Power Court staff. Teens have the right to experience these consequences without parental deflection. Teens need to feel the sting of their own failure when they relapse and fall short of their desire to get clean. When a teenager makes good choices in their recovery, they have the right to earn a satisfaction that is based on their own merit, not their parents or anyone else. This contentment will be an inner source of pride that they have not felt in some time. In addition, the Court and staff rewards teens for their successes in moving forward in their sobriety. A teen s self esteem and motivation cannot be improved based on something their parents did or did not do; it must be based on their own choices and actions. DOES THIS MEAN I QUIT BEING A PARENT? Giving a teen more freedom does not mean no parenting. It simply means that these teens are old enough to make choices, good and bad, and that they are old enough to face the logical consequences of their choices, including when they abuse substances. More important, when they succeed in making good choices in life and in their recovery, they can relish the fact that they succeeded, not their

7 parents or their family. Giving a teen the freedom to earn positive consequences will create an entirely new view on life by a teen that previously saw little happiness or peace in anything but drugs or alcohol. So what is a parent to do then when the teen engages in destructive behavior? Shouldn t they get in their kid s face, punish and scream? Shouldn t they lecture? Shouldn t they lose sleep, devising new tactics of policing and enforcing? Shouldn t they nail the kid s door shut and forbid their leaving the house? The answer is no. Besides the fact that the parents previous attempts at controlling have failed, such overreacting causes the parent to lose the respect of their child and, more importantly, of themselves. Under the more freedom approach, parents are expected to be parents not enforcers. Generally speaking, the task of parents of vulnerable kids in Power Court is straightforward. If their teen violates any rule of the Court or breaks the law or a condition of their probation, the parent simply advises the Power Court staff. The parents have the freedom to not do more than that. What if the teen refuses to get up for school? The parents should simply ask the teen once if they are going to school? If they stay in bed, the parent should let the teen sleep and timely report it to the Court staff. No yelling, no begging, no accusing. The logical consequences of failing in school and suffering the wrath of the Judge and staff are sufficient and fair results of the conduct. What if the teen fights with a brother or is disrespectful to a parent? The parent should calmly ask the teen if they would stop their impolite conduct? If they don t, simply report it to the Court staff. No escalation of the argument, no lecturing. Again, the Court staff can impose any necessary consequence. The reality of logical consequences is how life works for adults and these teens have the right to experience that reality. Simple questions asked by the parents properly place the choice and consequence before the teen. These are choices that any young adult should have to make and the resultant consequences of their decisions are what any young adult should have to face. These teens are old enough to make such decisions and while the parents are involved to the extent of asking an appropriate question to place a choice before them, the parent has no other obligation to scold, punish, reprimand or encourage. It won t make any difference anyway and it never did. There are more difficult scenarios. If the teen uses drugs or alcohol, steals from a parent, uses a family member s medication, breaks curfew or allows a boyfriend to sneak in at night, these are behaviors that may require immediate intervention by the parent depending on the need to keep the teen and family safe. If there are questions that the parents can pose to the teen that frame the issue concisely and logically (e.g., will you please come home now? Will you please have your boyfriend leave?), then the parents should ask those questions to give the teenager a chance to make a good choice. If immediate action is needed, the

8 parents may need to immediately call the Power Court staff for direction. Remember, the teen is on probation and under Orders of the Court; the parents have the freedom to rely on the Court staff to enforce those rules. Of course, if the teen has been injured or is threatening to injure themselves or another, the parents should intervene as safely and quickly as possible by calling 911 and taking any other action necessary. When safety to the child is an issue, an immediate call to the Court staff is a must. Safety is always primary when considering what action is needed with teens. Otherwise, parents should let the consequences flow from the conduct, not attempt to protect the teen from the consequences. Let the Court staff do their job. That is exactly how the real world works and the teenager needs to learn that basic life lesson. I FEEL BAD IF I DON T TAKE CONTROL This more freedom concept will no doubt cause most parents to believe that they are not parenting. It also may cause them great discomfort when they call the court staff over what they believe are simple issues like sleeping late. They also will feel like they have lost control over their teenager. And they will think, isn t it the parents responsibility to control their teenager? The answer, quite simply, is no. In fact, and through no fault of their own, most parents of vulnerable teens who abuse drugs and alcohol have not had control over them for some time. They think they should still have control and they desperately want that control they once had, but the fact remains those days are gone. When these parents overreact to circumstances over which they no longer have control, they make their own lives miserable and lose an understanding of what good parenting really means. Good parenting does not mean being entangled in your teenager s choices and consequences. A parent s responsibility to their teen is to provide a loving, supportive home environment that allows the teen the opportunity to make healthy choices and decisions in their own lives. If the teen is in immediate danger of harming themselves or others, the parent has the obligation to intervene and provide whatever protection they can to keep the teen and others safe. Beyond that the parent has no ability to do any more anyway and, indeed, beyond that they have no right to do any more. Making decisions for the teen or force feeding the decisions that the parent s wish the teen would make is not healthy parenting and violates the very trust that the parent spent years instilling in their child. Let me give a concrete example. A few years ago I met a parent of a 17 year old son who was in a rehabilitation facility. It was not a lockdown facility. His son had a serious heroin and opiate habit and had even discussed suicide. He had always lived with his parents, had been very disrespectful, and often left for nights on end not telling his parents where he was. We were discussing the control that

9 parents had and did not have over their teenagers. When asked the question of what would he do if his son ran from the residential facility and showed up at the family doorstep, he immediately answered: I would take him in and let him try again at home. I couldn t just let him die out on the streets. I told him, as kind as I could, that his son was dying anyway and that the best decision he could make would be to tell his son that he had a choice himself, to return to the facility or return to the streets. I told him that he had no control over his son s decision to run from the facility, just like he had no control over his son s decision to abuse drugs, but he could stand firm that he would no longer be a part of his son s problem. By giving his son the choice to get help or live on the streets, the dad was drawing a line in the sand that he would support healthy choices. In addition, the parents of this young man had the right to live peacefully in their home without having to suffer from their son s abusive behavior in the home. Consider the step dad in Power Court that I mentioned above. The son was a 16 year old who had been abusing chemicals for years. His parents were intimately involved in his life to the extent of micro managing daily decisions and behavior. The mother especially exhibited unhealthy co-dependent behavior, often losing sleep, crying and even avoiding the outdoors whenever her son made any bad choice. Prior to his becoming a Power Recovery Court participant, the son habitually lied to and manipulated his family and had been in and out of Detention. Once he was placed in Power Court, and after an episode of skipping school (but with no relapse on drugs), the Power Court staff moved this young man out of his home and into a sober living facility. This decision initially crushed his family, especially the mom. She struggled emotionally with her son gone. The step dad wrote us during this difficult process of letting go : Our son has reached a turning point in his and our life. That means a lot coming from me because of all of us I was probably the most skeptical. I have had to take a real step back from the whole thing or to be perfectly honest with you I was not going to physically be able to handle this much longer. When I say that I have taken a step back I mean that our son is going to have to, and is, taking a lot more responsibility for his own actions and deal with those actions himself. As it turns out that was the best thing that I could have ever done for him. A couple of weeks ago our son screwed up. That may have been the one turning point in his life. While what he did was, what I feel, was a relatively minor thing the one major thing that came out if

10 it was he DID NOT USE. Then he took responsibility for it and told you and then stood in front of Judge Mayes and told him. By us having him do that, and taking responsibility for other things, he has grown up faster than I could have ever imagined. While I am still ever so scared for him, my family, and myself his taking responsibility for his actions is going to be just the way that it is. He now realizes that and is rising to the occasion. Following the move, this young man began to succeed immediately, holding down 2 jobs, attending school, staying clean and maturing in his relationship with his parents. While the mom and step dad were elated they also felt guilty for not being able to figure it out when their son was living at home. I explained to them that it was not them that had not figured it out, it was their son. But they had imposed a lack of freedom in their son s life through their helicopter parenting. He had not had the freedom to succeed or fail alone, and had been in a situation where everyone in the family was suffering from his repeated failures. The teen felt suffocated by the family s nagging, micro managing, rules you name it. The family was suffocating as a result of the boy s negative conduct and his selfish, manipulative lifestyle that had taken advantage of everyone else in the family. The family dynamics in this family were no one s fault; they simply were the result of caring parents who tried to control (but who really never had control of) a son who began abusing drugs as a teenager. They wanted to control his addiction and change him, but this was a battle that only their son could fight, not them. Yes, he was still a teenager and needed the support of his family, but he also needed the freedom to face the consequences he brought upon himself. Only then would he realize what the consequences of his choices were. And only then could he learn and grow from making choices that were his, not his parents. The step dad ultimately found the pride and courage to reflect on the growth of his family and the hope that their son s recovery has brought to their family: The last couple of times that we were in court we noticed that our family portrait was not on the slide show presentation. When we were asked to do the family portrait we did not know what was being done with them. After I got to thinking about it I realized that I may have given one that could not be scanned into an electronic form of a picture. We are very proud of our family not for what has happened in the past but for what we are now. That being said I am ing you a copy of our portrait. and I are soooooooooooo looking forward to being in court on Wednesday. Love, Step-dad

11 A CONCLUSION FOR YOU AND YOUR POWER COURT TEENAGER Giving your vulnerable teen the freedom to own their own choices and suffer their own consequences will give them and your family freedom from unhealthy relationships and lifestyles. If you are afraid that your letting go will cause your teen to fail, consider where they are now. With all the controlling behavior you as a parent have exhibited, has it made a difference in their life? Are they succeeding now because you have been enmeshed in their choices? If so, then by all means continue as you have; if not, give our concept of more freedom a chance. We ask that you invest in the philosophy that less is more. Less micro managing, less controlling. We ask that you invest in your teen s future by patiently applying the more freedom approach. This investment may not create an immediate success story but, over the long term, will build a strong family relationship that nurtures your child in a positive, healthy way. Let your teen own their choices. Your teen has been making adult choices anyway and your interruption of the logical consequences of decisions made by them delays their growing up and stunts their ability to gain wisdom from that growth. In owning their own choices your teenager will learn how good decisions shape a successful future.