Therapeutic Parenting with Relationship and Regulation. Session Three: Therapeutic Parenting versus normal common-sense parenting
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1 Therapeutic Parenting with Relationship and Regulation Session Three: Therapeutic Parenting versus normal common-sense parenting
2 Parenting Styles Very Warm and Responsive Authoritative Permissive HIGH EXPECTATIONS LOW Authoritarian Disconnected LOW
3 Normal parenting strategies Inadequate for children who perceive differently? Normal or common sense parenting strategies are often reflected in confident, socially responsive and well behaved children But this is not reliably transferring to the way children with complex histories respond!
4 Normal parenting strategies Inadequate for children who perceive differently? WHY? Behaviour management does not work in a child who is not motivated by relationship! Core challenges cause a child to interpret your actions differently and to be hyper-sensitive to your body/eye language
5 Parenting a child.who has experienced trauma and/or attachment disruption, or who has a disability and/or developmental differences is not the same as parenting a child without these issues. May trigger issues in the parent May bring chaos into a family May make being a regulated parent very difficult!
6 Reflect on your child s lenses: Visualise what your child s early experiences have been Consider how this may have affected his/her perception of: their world your parenting themselves
7 Core Challenges from childhood experiences: Challenges in attachment and trust The impact of developmental trauma Living with pervasive shame Difficulty in regulating emotions Grief and loss Complicated identity development These impact a child s perception of themselves, their world, and their parents actions!
8 Therapeutic Parenting models Over the last 2-3 decades there have been a number of Therapeutic Parenting models which: Draw on attachment theories Draw on research around developmental trauma Ideas have changed over time! Some ideas have been quite extreme and would be considered abusive today (e.g. Holding Therapy )
9 The Three R s of the R&R TP model Relationship connection prioritised over controlling behaviour Respond to the need underlying the behaviour Remember your loving eyes, safe body language, and gentle voice
10 Therapeutic Parenting with Relationship and Regulation: This model draws on the research and insights from: Bruce Perry Bonnie Harris Dan Hughes Circle of Security Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control Dan Siegel Ed Tronich.And more
11 RELATIONSHIP CONNECTION PRIORITISED OVER CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR
12 Erik Erikson (1950, 1963) First stage of development = Trust vs. Mistrust (0-18 months) Question: Is the world a safe place or is it unpredictable and scary? Outcome: The child works this out through their experience of their primary caregiver. o Consistent, predictable and reliable care = lens of trust o Neglect or unpredictable care = lens of mistrust
13 The importance of connection Attachment is a vital task in the child s first year The ability to regulate is connected to attachment In the first year of an infants life, parents do not manage behaviour, instead the focus is on nurture, safety and attachment For children whose lens is mistrust, building a lens of trust through relationship connection is vital
14 Relationship Connection Repair of the trust and attachment lens is needed before parents and carers can effectively moderate a child s behaviour Children not motivated by relationship do not respond to behaviour management Restoring the trust and attachment lens takes time! (remember the baby grass)
15 RESPOND TO THE NEED UNDERLYING THE BEHAVIOUR
16 Child s behaviour as communication Respond to what the behaviour communicates about the root cause Often related to the lenses o Challenges in attachment and trust o The impact of developmental trauma o Living with pervasive shame o Difficulty in regulating emotions o Grief and loss o Complicated identity development Behaviour management is like chopping the tops off of weeds
17 How do we respond to the underlying NEED? Understand how the world looks through their lenses Build relationship and trust Help them to feel safe Help them regulate Diminish shame laughter, play and fun unconditionally every day Acknowledge grief
18 REMEMBER YOUR LOVING EYES, SAFE BODY LANGUAGE, AND GENTLE VOICE
19 Body language, voice and eyes to convey safety and love Children respond to the non-verbal cues on the lizard level The most active part of the brain in children who have experienced trauma is the brain-stem/lizard, where the fight, flight and freeze reflex is. When the lizard is activated, a child is unable to think clearly or rationally!
20 Image from Children's Hospital of Michigan.
21 Body language communicating safety Be: Bigger, stronger, wiser and kind! (Circle of Security) The child needs lots of repetitive experiences of safe, nurturing connection to start to change his/her lens (remember the baby grass).
22 Body language communicating safety How? Parents/carers holding an attitude which creates a healing PLACE : Playful, Loving, Accepting, Curious and Empathetic (Dan Hughes) Eye contact, voice tone and body language to communicate safety, acceptance, curiosity, playfulness and empathy - never threat, intimidation, coercion or to force submission (Dan Hughes)
23 Role Play Experiment with body language, voice and eye contact interactions with another group member: 1) Stand over the person and talk at them with strong eye contact 2) Sit down next to them, alongside not in front, talking gently 3) Have a conversation with hard eyes, and then the same conversation with soft eyes
24 Commonalities and differences COMMON-SENSE PARENTING AND THERAPEUTIC PARENTING
25 Normal commonsense parenting What are common themes and differences between these? Therapeutic Parenting
26 Common-sense parenting and therapeutic parenting: commonalities and differences Common-sense parenting therapeutic parenting
27 What is the possible impact of our child s early experiences on the way they see each of these?
28 Homework Focus on being Bigger, stronger, wiser and kind for the week ahead Notice your eye contact, voice tone and body language is it communicating safety, acceptance, curiosity, playfulness and empathy? Loving eye-balls
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