Children can be very perceptive especially with people they love and know best. It shows they re

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1 Talking to Your Children about Dementia Children can be very perceptive especially with people they love and know best. It shows they re paying attention and are concerned. Experiencing an aging loved one acting differently may worry or even scare them. While you may not be able to stop what s happening to your loved one with dementia, you certainly can help your children better understand and cope with the changes. Recognize when your children notice something is different. Grandma keeps forgetting things. She asks me the same questions and tells the same stories all the time. Grandpa s moods change quickly and he gets confused easily. Nana doesn t remember my name and mixes up her words. Ask your children to explain the changes they ve noticed what are the changes, how often do the changes happen and how do your children feel about them? Listen attentively to what they say, picking up on their emotions as well as their words. Educate them about dementia and Alzheimer s disease relative to their age and interest. Dementia is an overall term describing a wide range of symptoms when irreversible changes in the brain cause brain cells to die. As the cells die, memories fade and disappear. Alzheimer s disease is the most common type of dementia. It makes it harder for the individuals to think and remember things clearly. Sometimes it affects their moods, memories and abilities to do normal, everyday activities. It takes a while to determine whether a person has some type of dementia. Doctors are usually the best sources to diagnose your loved one after doing tests and other evaluations. Dementia affects each person differently. It is important to remember who the loved one is to your children, how special he or she is and how your children want to show they care. Talk to your children openly and honestly if they are wondering how serious this is. Scientists and doctors don t know yet exactly how people get dementia, but they do know it is not spread by germs. People don t catch it from someone who has it nor can it be fixed by medicine. Currently dementia is not curable, and many types are progressive. The individual may seem his or her usual self one day and completely different the next. As time goes by, there may be more thinking and memory problems. It s likely some of your children s friends and schoolmates have a relative with dementia. This demonstrates they are not alone in this experience. Sometimes children worry their parents might get it. The majority of dementia types are not inherited so it s very unlikely. Also, children may fear they have dementia when they forget something. Simply explain this is not the case as we all forget things time to time just like people sometimes sneeze even when they don t have a cold. (over)

2 Guide your children in how to help, what to say and what to do with your loved ones. The most important things your children can do are accept and respect the person as he or she is at each moment. Let your loved ones know how much they are loved and appreciated. At the beginning of each conversation, stop (relax and clear your mind), look and listen (really notice the expression on your loved one s face and hear the feelings in his or her voice) and then stay (be in the moment, completely focused and genuinely interested in him or her). Ask your loved ones about their day, where they have been and who they think about. Inquire about memories long ago such as where they grew up, if they liked school, who their friends were, etc. Remind your children of activities that go beyond conversation yet are still meaningful such as holding hands, listening to music or playing with a pet. Listen, listen, listen. Avoid correcting, pretending, distracting or ignoring them. Encourage them if they find it difficult. It is normal to be concerned, upset and even mad when you re with a loved one who has dementia. Common feelings are confusion, anger, fear, sadness, worry, frustration and embarrassment. Welcome your children to talk with a parent, another family member or a trusted adult to sort through those feelings and let them out. Above all, be there for your children. Encourage your children to express what they re thinking and feeling. Let them know those feelings and thoughts are normal. Provide comfort, support, normalcy and fun by spending quality time with just them. Offer the information they want and need to know, and if you don t know it, find it out together. Commend them on their patience and good listening skills. Be as responsive, honest and sensitive toward them as you can. Inform them of any events or changes in advance (e.g., upcoming visits with the loved one, if your loved one is having a particularly bad week). Make extra time to get your family together with your loved one and share the joys of past memories as well as caring, loving moments in the present. Remind them that a moment may be lost with the loved one, but never the love. For more information, ask for our Creating Meaningful Moments and Tips for Successful Visits with a Loved One with Dementia tip sheets. Ask about more advice from the Country Meadows Let s Talk About You Series

3 Children s Books about Dementia Hugging Grandma: Loving Those with Memory Disorders by Zina Kramer A delightful story celebrating how special grandparents are and how even with dementia, they will always love their grandchildren. Hugging Grandma offers a clear, simple explanation of dementia and shows children how they can return their grandparents love and how important it is for everyone to feel needed. (Appropriate for Grades K-2) Striped Shirts and Flowered Pants by Barbara Schnurbush Through a colorful account, the author gives great insights into what children may see happen to a loved one with Alzheimer s disease and is especially attentive to what they may experience. This book imparts confidence in talking about the future and facing uncertainty, fear and sadness typically related to a diagnosis. (Appropriate for Grades K-2) Still My Grandma by Veronique Van den Abeele This sweet story artfully depicts a grandparent living in a retirement community for memory support. The author offers fitting perspective for children into why loved ones with dementia do (and don t do) certain things. (Appropriate for Grades 3-5) Always My Grandpa: A Story for Children About Alzheimer s Disease by Linda Scacco This wonderful book gently depicts how a grandparent may change with Alzheimer s disease and how those changes affect the rest of the family. It s a heartfelt lesson in responding to a diagnosis with love. It can be a great conversation-starter for parents to help children explore their emotions. (Appropriate for Grades 3-5) Singing with Momma Lou by Linda Jacobs With a look at the later stages of Alzheimer s disease and visits to a nursing home, the author shares meaningful insight about not using reality orientation. The heroine creates ways to connect with her grandmother. She shows readers we shouldn t give up on loved ones in nursing homes and there are things deep inside us that even memory loss can t touch. (Appropriate for Grades 3-5) What s Happening to Grandpa? by Maria Shriver In this warm narrative, the reader follows the change in family dynamics and range of emotions related to those changes. The book teaches through example how to sort through feelings, adjust expectations and find new ways to enjoy time with loved ones. It s a sincere story of what pure love feels like. (Appropriate for Grades 4-6) The Memory Box by Mary Bahr A thoughtful book about a boy seeing changes in his beloved grandfather. The author captures how things that seemingly will last forever sometimes have to change and helps the reader understand why. While the book does not promise a happy ending, it does show how children can preserve memories by keeping their grandparents stories alive. (Appropriate for Grades 4-6) These reviews were written by Joel Kroft, Executive Director of Memory Support Services at Country Meadows Retirement Communities. Joel s perspective is based upon many years of helping improve the quality of life for seniors with dementia and their families and many nights of reading to his own children. He understands just how special it is to connect with loved ones of all ages.

4 Tips for Successful Visits with a Loved One with Dementia Staying connected to loved ones is very important to individuals with dementia. While your loved one may not communicate or socialize in the same manner as before, human connection still has immense value. And this can benefit you both. Here are some helpful tips to make your visits more successful: Plan a visit for the time of day when your loved one is at his or her best. Prepare for your visit with reasonable expectations. Your time together may be different now, but it still can have meaning for you both. Direct your focus to your loved one. Multi-tasking may add confusion and even frustration. Make eye contact and address him or her by name. Speak in a clear voice and slowly enough so your words can be understood. Talk about the good news you can remember to help assure and comfort him or her. Share memories. Reminiscing can be much easier for those with dementia. Avoid corrections or arguments which lead to stress and frustration on both sides. Be an effective, active listener. Provide lots of time for your loved one to talk and then really listen to what is being said. Pay attention to the emotion being expressed. Don t rush through your visit and be relaxed. This will help put your loved one at ease. If conversations are a challenge, pack a bag with familiar items or activities to engage him or her. Enjoy your time together by arranging flowers or pictures in an album or doing simple tasks like cutting coupons or folding laundry. Remember that the disease process can cause negative reactions at times. If your loved one doesn t recognize you, is unkind or responds angrily, he or she is reacting out of confusion. Try to be patient and understanding. Stay as long as you are comfortable. The time is for you as well as your loved one. A good visit may last several minutes or several hours there is no set timeline. Enjoy your visit. Ask about more advice from the Country Meadows Let s Talk About You Series

5 Creating Meaningful Moments with a Loved One with Dementia We all want to spend quality time with our loved ones. However, your time together likely has changed as memory loss sets in. This doesn t mean, though, you still can t enjoy each other s company. Providing meaningful activities for individuals with dementia is an important part of caregiving. Activities should be stimulating, age appropriate and bring your loved one satisfaction. By offering the right kind of activities, quality of life can be enhanced for both of you. Here are a few tried-and-true ideas: Word games, word searches, crossword puzzles Jigsaw puzzles Painting with watercolors Cooking and baking familiar foods Cutting coupons Tending to an herb garden, window garden or cut flower garden Flower arranging or crafts Household chores like dusting, sweeping, folding laundry Listening to favorite music/record albums, playing an instrument Caring for pets Reminiscing Sharing family history Outdoor walks Accompanied visits to restaurants, stores, church/temple Enjoy your time together. Ask about more advice from the Country Meadows Let s Talk About You Series

6 Re-connect with Your Loved One with Dementia Dementia causes confusion, isolation and subsequently frustration, fear and lower self-esteem, affecting both the individual and personal relationships. One of the best approaches is to re-connect loved ones and validate one s self-worth. The Validation Method is a powerful technique and philosophy coupling empathetic listening with effective questions to help those individuals express their concerns and emotions. This builds trust, reduces anxiety and restores dignity. Here are a few helpful Validation tips when engaging with your loved one: Relax, slow your pace and set aside your own thoughts and expectations. Focus on your loved one: look into his or her eyes, take note of the emotion and step into his or her world. There are times to be a cheerleader this is not one of them. Approach him or her from the front, maintaining eye contact at or below eye level and using his or her name. This establishes a connection and shows respect and empathy. Ask open-ended, broad questions to understand and explore your loved one s concerns. Begin with Who, What, Where, When and How while listening for the emotions behind the words shared and body language used. Avoid asking Why as it requires a reasonable, logical explanation and likely will frustrate or even offend him or her. Paraphrase what was shared with the same emotion to demonstrate you are listening and understand. Even if tempted, do not offer advice or instructions. Rather, ask your loved one what he or she thinks should be done. This helps promote self-worth and boost self-esteem. Accept what is shared without judgment, even if troublesome. Re-focus on what your loved one may be feeling or struggling to express. Remember: this may not be reality, but it s his or her perception now. Use welcomed closeness and a nurturing touch, taking your loved one s lead as to what is comfortable. Physical connections can relax barriers. Bring your visit to a definitive end. Always thank him or her and state when you will return. This builds trusting, meaningful relationships. While your loved one may not fully understand you cognitively, he or she connects with you emotionally. Ask about more advice from the Country Meadows Let s Talk About You Series

7 Fun things to do with your grandparent: Share family stories A COLOR ME Memory What are some of your favorite family stories?

8 Fun things to do with your grandparent: Read together and look through photo albums A COLOR ME Memory What are some of your favorite books and family photos?