FACTS. FACTS is a guide to help adults. Teaching Children Well THE ARTICLES INSIDE: Development Physical, emotional from 5 to 10 years old

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1 FACTS THE a practical guide on healthy sexuality for parents, teachers & caregivers FACTS is a guide to help adults break the silence about sexuality and teach children about themselves. Our children s education about their sexuality needs to be open, relaxed, and ongoing from the earliest ages and from the people who know and love them best their families. Research has shown that families who talk openly with their children make a positive difference in building a strong foundation for sexual health. Children in those families tend to grow up making healthy choices for themselves and are more protected from sexual exploitation. Between the ages of 5 and 10 your children are entering a world of new social networks, growing intellectually, and often being challenged by the media and peers to fit in. They may Teaching Children Well Tips, information and resources for parents who want to raise sexually healthy children be testing bathroom humor or asking harder questions about babies and bodies. This is your chance as parents to set a tone of relaxed openness as you answer questions and guide your children through new social situations. We want you to know that local family planning education departments have people you can talk to and resources you can borrow. Family Planning believes in working together with parents, churches, schools and community agencies. We want to make sure that our children have every opportunity to make the best possible lives for themselves. Helping the next generation of young people understand their sexuality and their changing selves is one of the most privileged, private joys of parenthood. Enjoy! ARTICLES INSIDE: Development Physical, emotional from 5 to 10 years old Keeping Kids Safe Preventing Sex Abuse Talking Tips What Kids Should Know When Parents Matter Are You Ask-able? Kid's Health Raising Media Savvy Kids sex u al ity Sexuality is more than sex. Sexuality involves the whole person, how we think and feel about ourselves, our bodies and our gender. It also includes sexual relationships with others and reproduction. Parents, teachers, and caregivers teach children values and attitudes about sexuality. FACTS is a publication of Family Planning Association of Maine

2 DEVELOPMENT to A profile of five to ten year-olds Five and Six Year-Olds When a child starts school a whole new world opens up. This is an exciting and sometimes scary time. New friends, teachers and rules become a large part of their day-to-day life. Home is where children this age likely feel safe to share their feelings. Children want to know the differences between boys and girls and how babies are made. They may make up stories to try to explain what they don t understand. Children this age love to hear stories about their own birth and what they were like when they were babies. Five and six year-olds know that certain touches feel good and will occasionally touch their genitals for pleasure or to comfort themselves if they are feeling anxious. Parents should explain and reinforce the difference between public and private behavior. Parents need to give simple, direct answers to many questions related to sexuality. Seven and Eight Year-Olds Children may ask fewer questions in this age group. This doesn t mean they don t have questions. Myths and misinformation about sexuality and reproduction may surface from friends or from their own imagination. Parents should continue to offer information and to answer questions. Children this age want to know the truth and are interested in how things work. Seven and eight year-olds may begin to be more self-conscious, especially regarding nudity. Allow privacy. Boys and girls tend to play in same-sex groups and teasing may increase. Children this age enjoy bathroom humor (jokes, riddles and slang terms). Parents can remind children what is appropriate and define slang terms. Nine and Ten Year-Olds Parents should provide as much information as possible to prepare their children for the physical, social and emotional changes of puberty. Growth spurts and puberty changes begin for many children in this age group. Mood changes become more common. Am I normal? becomes a major question in children s minds. Children want to fit in with their peers. Changing friendships and hurt feelings are common, especially with girls in this age group. Crushes on friends, neighbors or teachers are common. Parents should not tease about or dismiss crushes for the child these feelings are real and strong. 2

3 Growing up w h a t s t h e d i f f e r e n c e? When parents think back to what they were taught about what a real boy or a real girl was, they realize that things are changing for the better. In the past, sex roles were very rigid. Boys mowed lawns and shoveled snow, while girls washed dishes and cooked. Too Much Too Fast But in more and more of today s homes, boys and girls are both doing these tasks and more. That s because parents nowadays want their children to have fuller options in life without gender limitations. You might wonder what this has to do with sexuality. For one thing, Early Puberty Changes What can parents do? If a child is displaying signs of early puberty, remember she or he is still a child. Don t expect an early bloomer to act as old as they look. Start talking with children around the age of 6-8 in simple terms to prepare them for the changes that will happen to their bodies. Let them know that these changes are a normal part of growing up. Books about puberty changes and growing up are a perfect way to introduce the conversation. Some facts to share with children in this age group about getting older: Everyone goes through puberty on his or her own timetable. Some kids start changes sooner, some later. Bodies grow in many ways, often causing clumsiness. Girls start to develop breasts and will menstruate (have their periods). Both boys and girls get underarm and pubic hair. Boys may have more erections and begin to ejaculate. Girls and boys have increasing body odor and will benefit from regular hygiene. Brains grow and emotions can change quickly. Remember: Puberty happens to everyone sooner or later! sexuality is how we see ourselves as men and women, as male and female. If we want our children to grow up knowing that it s good to be sensitive as well as independent and assertive, then it s up to us to break gender stereotypes wherever we can. It means watching for small, everyday things. For example, some fathers seem to stop hugging their sons as boys grow up, as if such affection is unmanly. We must praise our daughters for their accomplishments and encourage their skills. We need to value our daughters physical risk taking and strength rather than just their appearance. You re so strong look at the muscles you re getting! Boys need all of the affection and hugs that their sisters are receiving. We can give them nurturing experiences and praise them for their acts of kindness. All children, regardless of gender, should be encouraged to excel, appreciated when they try, and consoled when they re hurt. Understanding stereotyping is the best way to combat it. Allow your children to be themselves and engage in a variety of activities of their own choosing, whether or not their behavior fits in a gender-typical box. Celebrate their uniqueness boy, girl, or in-between. Most importantly, show them by your own behavior that their parents don t follow narrow gender codes.then watch them flourish! 3

4 PARENTS MATTER Are You an Ask-able Parent? What does it mean to be ask-able? It means that your children feel comfortable coming to you with their questions or concerns. As they enter school and spend more time with their peer groups, they will be challenged by what they hear and see. This is your chance to teach your children about your family s values, how they should treat and behave around others and how they should expect to be treated. Children look to their parents for guidance on how they fit into their world. When it comes to navigating peer relationships and growing up, being an ask-able parent is extremely important. DO use the correct names for body parts. Be honest when they ask questions about where babies come from. DO ask questions about your child s day, their opinions of things going on in the world, and what s happening with their friends. Then really listen to their responses before launching into your own opinions. DO follow up with your children s questions by asking What do you think? This will give you an idea of where they are coming from and the motivation behind their questions. DO watch television or movies with your child and listen to the music they like. Ask questions about the situations you see or lyrics to the songs. DO ask about what your children are learning at school and other settings. Then fill in the gaps and add to their understanding of relationships, feelings and emotions. Don t worry about having all the answers. Ask-able parents admit when they don t know the answer to a question and they can say, Let s go find out. Don t worry about being embarrassed. Your child will have lots of questions that may surprise you. It s okay to tell your child, This is a little bit difficult for me, but I want to help. Don t wait for your child to ask questions. They may never ask but that doesn t mean they don t have questions or need your guidance. Don t dismiss your child s feelings or laugh at their questions. Don t repeat your children s questions or concerns publicly to others, no matter how touching or humorous they may be. You will most likely embarrass them and they might not trust to ask you the next time they have a question. 4

5 keep it Simple TALKING TIPS Choose the right time Don t start a talk in the grocery store or during a family crisis. Wait until conditions are relaxed. If your child asks you a good question at a bad time, simply make a date for a better time and place the sooner, the better. Be sure to keep your date. Relax Sex is a natural part of our world and every living thing in it. If the language of sexuality makes you uncomfortable, try saying the correct words in a mirror or with your spouse or friend. Be positive Our bodies and their functions are perfectly natural and sexuality can be a wonderful part of life. Make it easy And in words your child will understand. If your child s eyes seem glazed when you ve finished talking, maybe you ve tried to pile on too much. But don t lose hope your child will remember whatever the question was in the first place. You ll have plenty of chances to talk about the rest. Remember to ask your child questions like: Now what was the question? and Is there something else you wanted to understand? Keep your sense of humor Don t be afraid to laugh with your child. Never laugh at your child. Their wild ideas and left-field questions are signs of a mind at work. What Children Should Know Age Group: 8-10 Age Group Correct words for body parts and sex organs That nudity, an accepted part of babyhood, now has limits That masturbation is a normal act, not harmful, and should be done in private Babies are the result of a sperm from a man s body and an egg from a woman s body That a baby comes out of its mother s uterus and vagina Family expectations for friendships and respect for others What changes to expect during puberty That media messages are often misleading about love, relationships, appearances, gender roles and sex How sex relates to love, commitment and marriage People may be attracted to members of either gender Pregnancy can be prevented Families come in different shapes and sizes 5

6 KIDS HEALTH O PINIONS, VALUES & BELIEFS Raising Media Savvy Kids ive to ten is a wide F developmental age range and it used to be that media reflected that reality. Not any more. With ads showing Barbie s Party Plane & Ship Playset, complete with martini glasses, bar stools and a disco scene, girls age three and up are sold a teen lifestyle right out of the pages of Cosmo. Clothing lines for the littlest girls sport all the juicy slogans and push-up, low-rise styles of their teen counterparts. Do these things matter? A 2007 American Psychological Association Report concluded that girls exposed to sexualized images in media are more prone to depression, eating disorders, and low self-esteem. Things aren t much better for boys. Popular TV shows on Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel portray pseudo-drinking, partying, and crushes on hot older girls, while toys and video games highlight lots of violence and mayhem. Until about age six, children can t fully distinguish reality from fantasy. Children this age also lack the ability to appreciate the various tricks advertisers and marketers use to grab their attention. It is critical that parents realize how deliberate and pervasive the messages targeting their children are and how defenseless little ones are to their powerful effects. You can raise a child who can make her or his own way through the pre-packaged world media and marketers offer. Here are a few tips: 1. Become familiar with what s out there. Watch what they watch, listen to their music, read their books and magazines, so that you know what messages this world sends. 2. Listen to what your child likes and why. Ask them about their world. Your children may want to be like their friends or like the attention they get from wearing the latest styles or playing with popular toys. 3. Start young. What better way to introduce the word stereotype than by walking through the blue and pink aisles of any toy store? If you question, they ll question. Help them notice so that they can step back and say, That s a stereotype. Boys/Girls aren t always like that. 4. Open up possibilities and create options. Try new activities that challenge their imaginations and counter limited gender stereotypes. You can start by offering them the full rainbow of colors! Lyn Mikel Brown, Ed.D. Co-founder, Hardy Girls Healthy Women at Author (with Sharon Lamb) of Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers Schemes and Packaging Boyhood (forthcoming; at www. packagingboyhood.com) Body image is the mental picture we have about what we look like and how we appear to the world. Sometimes the image we have in our head does not quite meet with reality and can lead us to feel a certain way about our bodies either positively or negatively. Even young children are developing a body image. Between the ages of five and ten, kids are bombarded with messages about what they should look and act like to fit in. Many of these messages come from TV, movies and magazines. But the messages they hear from friends and family can have a much greater impact. Focus on their abilities not their appearance. Set an example. The more pride you take in your body, the more children will appreciate their own. Be active and encourage kids to do the same. Go for a walk instead of turning on the television. Model healthy eating as a way of life rather than dieting. Help kids realize that pop stars, models and actors look that way because they have professional make-up artists and special lighting. The more pride we take in our body and its abilities, the more appreciative children will be of their own wonderful, growing bodies. 6

7 Good touch KEEPING KIDS SAFE Bad touch It s a sad fact that some surveys report one out of five adult women and 1 out of 10 adult men experienced sexual abuse as a child. Sexual abuse can take many different forms: from touching and fondling genitals, to oral contact or penetration of the vagina or anus. A child could be touched themselves or could be coerced into touching an older child or adult. A child doesn t have to be physically touched to be abused; showing pornographic pictures to a child or using the child as a model for sexualized photos and videos is harmful and illegal. The typical abuser is not a stranger to the victim. As many as 80-90% of victims report knowing their perpetrator it could be a family member, neighbor, babysitter, or family friend. It may be someone the child knows, respects, or loves. To prevent your child from being abused you cannot simply tell him or her to avoid strangers. What can you do? Start by teaching children the correct terms for body parts. Every child should have the ability to tell a potential abuser not to touch their penis, vulva or anus. A perpetrator may be less likely to abuse a child who has the words to tell on them. Teach children to say something like, If you try to touch my penis I will tell my father. Or, That s my vulva and I don t want you to touch it. Tell children that no one should touch their bodies or take their picture without permission. Tell children not to touch anyone else s body and to tell you if they are asked to touch an adult or older child s genitals. Children should say, I am not allowed to touch anyone s genitals and I have to tell my parents. Healthy Sexuality: A lifelong process Unfortunately, many of us got negative messages about sexuality growing up. The truth is that our sexuality is a natural, integral part of being alive. It s not dirty or bad as some would have us think. We are sexual beings from the time we are born to the time we die and that s a good thing. Sexually healthy people: Feel good about who they are, male or female Understand the basics of how their bodies work Know that their bodies belong to them, and decide if, when, or how they can be touched What if your child tells you about abuse? Believe them. Children rarely lie about abuse. Tell them you are glad they told you what happened. Tell them you love them. Tell them it is not their fault this happened to them. Get help for the child, yourself and your family from local law enforcement, child protection agency, clergy or a professional counselor. Can communicate clearly with people who they care about Appreciate and accept their physical selves and have healthy body images Are capable of having close, loving relationships of their own choosing 7

8 esources for Schools & Communities Preventing Teen Pregnancy HIV + sexually transmitted infections The Family Planning Association of Maine delivers customized programs to prevent teen pregnancy, HIV and sexually transmitted infections. Using strictly evidence-based approaches, our Prevention Coordinators provide training, technical assistance and resources to staff and educators in Maine schools and youth-serving organizations. Prevention Coordinators can help to: Review your existing program or curriculum, and assess the needs of the youth you serve Select an evidence-based program that fits the needs of your school and community, and obtain the necessary materials and supplies Ensure that the curriculum is carried out successfully and achieves results Provide training and ongoing technical assistance (covering substitute pay and travel expenses where appropriate) Increase community support by developing a planned response to resistance or controversy Link you to other resources in your community to address teen pregnancy, HIV and STI prevention What about Learning Results? Get technical assistance to meet Maine s educational standards and learning results for comprehensive health education Obtain support in identifying key concepts, scope and sequence, and developmentally appropriate topics and approaches within a comprehensive sexuality education curriculum Available now at our website webinars, trainings & e-newsletters! For More Information: info@mainefamilyplanning.org or visit our web site: Family Planning Association of Maine FACTS is a publication of the Family Planning Association of Maine s Family Life Education Services and is made possible in part by grants from Maine Department of Health and Human Services/Maine Center for Disease Control and Prevention, and from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services/ Public Health Services. Your financial support is critical. Without it, we can t do our jobs advocating for the reproductive health programs and services you care about. As a supporter, you will receive our legislative newsletter, special policy and program updates, and alerts on action happening in Augusta and Washington D.C. Most importantly, your contribution directly helps meet the needs of low-income women, men and teens, including the following: Family planning services Comprehensive family life & sexuality education Outreach education services Legislative advocacy defending the reproductive health care rights that Maine women, men, and teens now have, and advancing access to the full range of reproductive health care services.