Understanding Behaviors

Transcription

1 Understanding Behaviors Bullied and the Bully Keir Kutney, BSW, RSW Behavior Consultant

2 "When I was a young boy, the bully called me names, stole my bicycle, forced me off the playground. He made fun of me in front of other children, forced me to turn over my lunch money each day, threatened to give me a black eye if I told adult authority figures. At different times I was subject to a wide range of degradation and abuse -- de-pantsing, spit in my face, forced to eat the playground dirt...to this day, their handprints, like a slap on the face, remain stark and defined on my soul." Eric E. Rofes -- Making our Schools Safe for Sissies

3 What Is Bullying? Definition Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. And it's not usually harmful when done in a playful, friendly, and mutual way, and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and constant, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.

4 Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving, namecalling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and treasured possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading rumors about them. Others use , chat rooms, instant messages, social networking websites, and text messages to taunt others or hurt their feelings.

5 Please Listen It's important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to "tough out." The effects can be serious and affect kids' sense of selfworth and future relationships. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to tragedies, such as school shootings and suicides.

6 Why do they Bully? Kids bully for many reasons. Some bully because they feel insecure. Picking on someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker provides a feeling of being more important, popular, or in control.

7 Why do they Bully? In other cases, kids bully because they simply don't know that it's unacceptable to pick on kids who are different because of size, looks, race, or religion.

8 Why do they Bully? In some cases bullying is a part of an ongoing pattern of defiant or aggressive behavior. These kids are likely to need help learning to manage anger and hurt, frustration, or other strong emotions. They may not have the skills they need to cooperate with others.

9 Why do they Bully? Some kids who bully at school and in settings with their peers are copying behavior that they see at home. Kids who are exposed to aggressive and unkind interactions in the family often learn to treat others the same way. And kids who are on the receiving end of taunting learn that bullying can translate into control over children they perceive as weak.

10 The Sad Statistics

11 Percentage of students who reported being victimized in the past two months.

12 Percentage of students who reported bullying others in the past two months.

13 Percentage of students who reported both being victimized and bullying other students in the past two months.

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16 Forms of Bullying Physical Hitting, shoving, kicking Stealing/damage property

17 Verbal Forms of Bullying Name-calling, hurtful teasing Humiliation, making people do things they don t want to do

18 Social Forms of Bullying Excluding others Spreading gossip or rumors Making others look foolish

19 Forms of Bullying Electronic or Cyber bullying Using the internet, , text messages - Threaten or hurt - Embarrassing someone - Spread rumors or reveal secrets

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23 T-shirt for sale online

24 11 Things To Do When Cyber Bullying Occurs 1. Do not assume a threatening message will amount to nothing. 2. Save and print any threatening , IM, text, webpage. (Copy / Paste always works.) 3. Try to identify the cyber bully (This may involve contacting your ISP or detective work.) 4. Tell the Cyber bully to stop. 5. Contact the cyber bully's parents. 6. Respond to the cyber bully as an authority figure. "I am Xavier's mother. I have saved this message and information about it. If this number is used again in this way I will prosecute." 7. Block or filter the sender. (Changing address or IM may be necessary.) 8. Leave the online area, stop the activity (close out Internet, gaming, IM, Chat session, Log off. Don't return to that chat room.) 9. If the message included physical threats, contact the police. 10. Tell a parent or trusted adult. 11. Look out for your friends. Sometimes a threat will be indirectly given to a person through a friend or third party.

25 Pack Attack Pack bullying in high schools is the most disturbing. Research indicates that pack attacks went on for longer periods of time than targeting by individuals.

26 Forms of Bullying Forms change with age school playground bullying sexual harassment, gang attacks, date violence assault, marital violence, child abuse, workplace harassment and elder abuse

27 Consequences of bullying: If we allow our children to be bullied, what are we telling them about the world they inhabit? About self-worth, order, fairness? If we allow a bully to get away with bullying, what are we teaching them? The consequences.

28 Consequences of bullying: Low self esteem: Bullying works primarily through humiliation, by lowering the esteem of another for the benefit of the bully. Bullying can have a lasting effect on a child s feeling of self-worth, hampering their social skills and happiness into adult life.

29 Consequences of bullying: Guilt: The bullied often believe they deserve to be bullied. Bullies may later feel guilty for their acts. Bystanders may feel guilty that they encouraged the bully, or did nothing to intervene. These feelings can linger into adult life.

30 Consequences of bullying: Inability to deal with problems: The bully uses his/her aggression as a crutch to solve other problems including low self-esteem. Allowing bullying to continue won t teach the child how to properly deal with his/her problems or interact with others.

31 Consequences of bullying: Depression and an exclusion from opportunities to grow: School is a time for children to learn, grow and discover activities that will aid them in adult life. Bullying can seriously impair a child s ability to participate, to learn, or to enjoy school or other people.

32 Consequences of bullying: Suicide: In extreme cases, when bullying goes on long enough, a child may decide that death is preferable to continued bullying.

33 Lets take a look at Zero Tolerance

34 Proactive or Reactive? Zero Tolerance means: a significant bullying event needs to occur before anything is done.

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36 Reduce Your Child s Risk

37 Before the Bullying

38 Action Prevention Prior Stance HEAD BACK EYES HALF SHUT HANDS IN POCKET SAUNTER

39 Action Prevention Prior What Do Others Do?

40 Appearance Action Prevention Prior

41 Group safety Action Prevention Prior Talk about it with the child s friends

42 During the Bullying

43 Action Prevention During Yell!!!!! Draw attention to the situation

44 Walk Away Action Prevention During Go where there are other people

45 Action Prevention During PFFFFFT Don t fuel the fire

46 ROLE PLAY RESPONSES Anxiety makes responses tougher

47 After the Bullying

48 Tell an Adult Action Prevention After Encourage your child to talk about bullying. Make Bullying an open discussion

49 Action Prevention After How will the incident be handled? Let the child know what will be done and when. Anxiety increases when the child doesn t know what is happening.

50 Action Prevention After What s the Safety Plan

51 Is My Child A Bully? act in an impulsive, hot-headed, or dominant way get easily frustrated lack empathy have difficulty following rules view violence in a positive way have friends who are bullies have friends who view violence in a positive way frequently stay unsupervised have parents who are overly permissive or overly harsh repeatedly shove, punch, or physically push around a boy or a girl in a mean way just because he felt like it spread nasty rumors about others regularly exclude one or more kids from his activities tease people in a mean way, calling them names, making fun of their appearance, or the way that they talk, dress, or act hang out in a crowd of people that hurts others, spread rumors, or tease other children

52 According to the Stop Bullying Now campaign, things that you can do if you suspect that your child is a bully include: Make it clear to your child that you take bullying seriously and that you will not tolerate this behavior. Develop clear and consistent rules within your family for your children s behavior. Praise and reinforce your children for following rules and use non-physical, non-hostile consequences for rule violations. Spend more time with your child and carefully supervise and monitor his or her activities. Find out who your child s friends are, and how and where they spend free time. Build on your child's talents by encouraging him or her to get involved in pro-social activities (such as clubs, music lessons, non-violent sports). Share your concerns with your child's teacher, counsellor, and/or principal. Work together to send clear messages to your child that the their bullying must stop. If you and/or your child needs additional help, talk with a school counsellor and/or mental health professional.

53 What might be causing the bullying behavior? Here are some possible reasons to consider. may not know it is wrong or realize how hurtful it is to other children may not have the language skills to relate appropriately with other children may not have learned to empathize with others may gain recognition and popularity from their aggressive behavior may be encouraged to bully others by someone whom he/she respects may be mimicking violent or aggressive behavior they regularly witness may be attempting to establish some personal power because they feel weak and powerless

54 Your child needs your help. Here s what you can do: Talk to your child. Assure your child that you will help him/ her learn how to get along with other children. Listen to your child. Listen for concerns, fears or worries. It is important to play with your child so you can listen for the feeling messages. Sometimes children tell us very important things through their play. Believe your child. Ask for your child s confidence and trust and promise you will always be there to help. Keep your promise. If you are having trouble helping your child on your own, seek help Participate in counseling or other family support activities. Praise, focus on and reinforce positive behaviour/skills. Help your child practice these behaviour/skills. Follow up and never give up!

55 Signs of Bullying Unless your child tells you about bullying or has visible bruises or injuries it can be difficult to figure out if it's happening. But there are some warning signs. You might notice your child acting differently or seeming anxious, or not eating, sleeping well, or doing the things that he or she usually enjoys. When kids seem moodier or more easily upset than usual, or when they start avoiding certain situations, like taking the bus to school, it may be because of a bully. If you suspect bullying but your child is reluctant to open up, find opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout way. For instance, you might see a situation on a TV show and use it as a conversation starter, asking "What do you think of this?" or "What do you think that person should have done?" This might lead to questions like: "Have you ever seen this happen?" or "Have you ever experienced this?" You might want to talk about any experiences you or another family member had at that age. Let your child know that if he or she is being bullied or sees it happening to someone else it's important to talk to someone about it, whether it's you, another adult (a teacher, school counselor, or family friend), or a sibling.

56 Before You Talk to the School 1. How severe has the bullying behaviour been? (Violence continuum- check one) (Considerate Critical Sarcastic Controlling Verbal Threatening Hitting Intimidating Beating Assault) 2. How frequently does it occur? Several times a day Once a day 3-4 times a week Once a week Occasionally 3. Who is bullying your child? A classmate or peer Several classmates or peers An older student Several older students 4. Where does the bullying take place? To or from school On school grounds (outside) In the washroom In the hallways In the classroom In the gym or change room Over the telephone At another student s home Over the internet

57 5. Who witnesses the bullying? One other student Several students Adults/supervisors 6. What actions have you or your child taken to address the problem? Your child has told you Your child has spoken to the teacher (or some other supervising adult) at school You have spoken to the teacher (or some other supervising adult) at school Other

58 In answering these questions, you have already taken some important steps toward solving the problem! You have listened supportively to your child. You have a clear understanding of what s going on. You have shared your concerns with your child s teacher or supervisor. Now it s time to speak with your child s school. Be sure to clearly describe: Exactly what happened When and how often it happened Where the incident occurred Who was involved Who else saw it happen What action you have taken, if any

59 If the bullying persists and you re having trouble getting help from the school, try the following: Write down what happened (e.g. the bullying episodes and what action you have taken with your child s school) and share this with the school administrator. Sometimes written reports are taken more seriously or make it easier for your child s school to give you the help you need. Ask for a copy of the school s anti-bullying policy or code of conduct. It should include guidelines for appropriate student behaviour and a range of limits or consequences that will be applied if a child s behaviour is inappropriate. Make an appointment with the school administrator and discuss your concerns. Work in partnership with the school authorities by watching for signs that the bullying is continuing or if things are improving. If the situation is not resolved within the agreed upon time frame, continue to keep a detailed record of each incident and include this information in a letter to the school administrator who has responsibility for maintaining safe schools in your school district

60 You are your child s most important advocate. Keep asking until you get the help your child needs.

61 Questions?

62 Resources com/