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1 i s i l i Fm io t i i S N TRA A ut h o Y s s of Tr t r for P d i u G c Rsour

2 Estblishd i 1983, Prid & Prjudic ws th first progrm to offr cousllig d support to lsbi, gy, bisxul, trssxul d trsgdr (LGBTT) ts d youg dults i Toroto Prid & Prjudic srvs qur d trs youth g 25 d udr through idividul d group cousllig, rsrch d commuity dvlopmt W hv producd svrl rsrch-bsd d commuity rsourcs bout LGBTT youth, d w r plsd to prst Fmilis i TRANSitio s our most rct of ths Prid & Prjudic hs ctivly prticiptd i iititivs to support clits d commuity prtrs by sposorig LGBTT youth cofrcs, th Toroto Youth Colitio for Lsbi, Gy d Bisxul Youth, d by dvlopig th Supportig Our Youth progrm Most rctly, w prtrd i commuity-bsd rsrch projct clld Th Youth Gdr Actio Projct (Y-GAP), to idtify gps i kowldg bout th cousllig d socil srvic ds of trs youth Cotiully rshpig our work to mt th ds d difficultis prstd by th youth w srv, CTYS ims to b up-to-dt o mrgig youth issus Wht prts or othr lovd os hv to sy Look for th hidd blssigs Th bd stuff is goig to b sy to s It s goig to b right i your fc But thr r blssigs thr too Amzig chcs to lov d b lovd To s your child blossom To fid out bout your ow issus d fid frdom from th drk plcs isid tht you did t v kow wr thr Look for thos thigs I lwys thought my prtr s trsitioig from fml to ml ws good id I flt quit strogly t tims tht his trsitioig ws choosig lif ovr dth, d by dth I m i brodr, mtphoricl ss th dth of ot big who you r, th dth of livig li H hd svr gdr dysphori tht dd fixig O morig you ll gt up d fid tht your hd is o logr xplodig Tht th su is still risig, tht popl r goig bout thir dy-to-dy livs just s thy wr bfor Ad, mirculously, you ll fid tht you c too Ad so c your child You will xpric xtrordiry kidss d ccptc from popl from whom you d vr hv xpctd it Ad you might suffr lt dow d igorc from popl you thought you could cout o But tht s importt to kow Who it s worth spdig your tim d lov o

3 Fmilis i TRANSitio: A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth I This Guid About Your Child About You Tkig momt to brth 3 Wht othr prts wt you to kow 4 Qustios you my hv 6 Wht you c do for you Pottil qustios to sk your child Wht you c do for your child Adptig to proou d m chgs Movig Forwrd Tllig othr popl i your circl Hlpig your child mk dcisios Iformtio bout hormos Iformtio bout surgry Iformtio bout lgl sx d m chgs Mor qustios Rsourcs Liv support for prts of trs youth i Toroto O-li rsourcs for prts Stdrds of cr Rdig mtril for prts Films bout trs youth d thir fmilis Support for trs youth i Toroto Rdig mtril for trs youth Trs-positiv mdicl cr i Toroto Rfrcs Edots

4 Ackowldgmts Prid & Prjudic/Ctrl Toroto Youth Srvics (CTYS) wish to ckowldg Grl Risurc Compy d th Lsbi & Gy Commuity Appl (LGCA), whos grous support md th publictio of this guid possibl Fudig for trsltio of compio brochur ws providd by spcil grt from th Miistry of Childr d Youth Srvics - Nicol Brow, PhD, C Psych, Rsrchr d ld uthor, Prid & Prjudic Thks to th Fmilis i TRANSitio Commuity Workig Group for ivlubl ssistc d xprtis with this projct: Rbcc Hmmod, MSc Cdidt, Co- Pricipl Ivstigtor, Youth-Gdr Actio Projct (Y-GAP) Simo LBrto, Bord Mmbr d Volutr, PFLAG Toroto LAdr Millr, MA, Coorditor, Cousllig Srvics, Prid & Prjudic Cthri Mulkis, BA(Hos), BEd, Foudr of Trscptc Jis Purdy, MM, Mrktig & Dvlopmt Coorditor, Prid & Prjudic Spcil thks lso to: Krys McGuir, BA(Hos), Pr Rsrchr, Youth-Gdr Actio Projct (Y-GAP) Ruprt Rj, MA, Cousllor, LGBTT Progrm, Shrbour Hlth Ctr Nik Rd, Commuity Cosultt Hrshl Russll, MA, Psychothrpist Hthr Sproul, Excutiv Dirctor, CTYS Pm Slo, Grphic Dsigr Syrus Wr, Commuity Cosultt Scott Willims, Editor Ad of cours ll th trs youth d prts of trs youth who shrd thir struggls d triumphs Not: Th xprics of itrsx idividuls r byod th scop of this guid For iformtio d rsourcs spcific to this commuity, visit th Itrsx Socity of North Amric wbsit t wwwisorg As pr our gcy mdt, this guid is rlvt to th xpric of youth, typiclly dolscts d youg dults For iformtio o gdr-vrit childr, visit Th Childr s Ntiol Mdicl Ctr t wwwdcchildrscom/gdrvric This iformtio is currt t th tim of publictio Udrstdig, xprtis, d rsourcs cotiu to chg d volv Pls chck with your locl doctor d/or thrpist for th most up-to-dt iformtio 2 Fmilis i TRANSitio

5 Fmilis i TRANSitio: A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth About Your Child Tkig momt to brth If you hv this guid i hd, your child my hv just com out s trs trsgdr or trssxul This is big ws, d you r likly flig som of th commo fligs prts iitilly rport: shock, disblif, fr, grif, gr, or shm You might fl lik your world hs b turd upsid dow You might fl vry lo You might hv lot of qustios Tht s why w wrot this guid I th followig pgs, w shr xprics of othr prts, swr commoly skd qustios, suggst qustios to hlp you d your child tlk furthr, offr wys i which you c hlp your child, d poit you towrds dditiol sourcs of iformtio Th most importt thig you c do for yourslf d your child right ow is to tk brth, d cotiu rdig Th mor you kow d udrstd, th bttr bl you will b to mov forwrd 3

6 Wht othr prts wt you to kow Othr prts who hv b thr rlly wt you to kow 1 You d your child r ot lo Although thr r o solid sttistics, rsrchrs stimt o i 1000 popl r bor flig tht th gdr of his or hr body (how it looks o th outsid) d spirit (how h or sh fls o th isid) r diffrt 1 2 Big trs is ot th sm s big gy Th word trssxulity souds lik somthig rltd to sxulity, but it s ot Sxul orittio d sxul idtity r trms usd to dscrib who w r ttrctd to d who w lov Htrosxul, gy, lsbi, d bisxul r words you r probbly fmilir with Thy dscrib sxul orittios W ll hv sxul orittio, trs popl icludd W ll lso hv gdr idtity th ir flig tht w r m or wom, tht w r msculi or fmii, or prhps somwhr o cotiuum btw msculi d fmii Big trsgdrd or trssxul is bout gdr idtity For trs popl, thir bodis do ot mtch thir ir xpric of gdr W xpli mor bout this ltr 3 Prts do t mk child trs Tht s ot how it works B proud your child is brv d host ough to mbrk o this scry d cssry procss d trusts you ough to tll you bout it You hv do wll Your rltioship with your child hs opportuity to b mor clos, trustig, d lovig through this procss 4 Allow your child to st th pc Your child likly witd log tim bfor tllig you bout this Thy* my hv do so ow bcus th d to liv how thy truly r hs bcom too difficult to hid Thr wo t vr b prfct tim for your child to com out publicly So, s much s possibl, lt your child st th pc 5 List to your child Trs youth r oft frid too of rjctio or how thir livs might chg But thy hv ids bout wht mks thm comfortbl, how thy wt to look, d wht thy wt to b clld Thy my op thmslvs up to prt wh still dcidig thigs for thmslvs List to wht your child sys bout thir ow ds B crful ot to mk ssumptios or dcisios bout who your child will bcom or wht stps thy ll tk Thr r o ruls vry child is diffrt 6 Do t lt fr hold you or your child bck All your child s drms r still possibl fiishig school, gttig good job, fidig somo to lov, hvig fmily Som xtr plig or prcutios my b cssry, but ythig is possibl 7 Your child is tkig importt stps towrd big hppir d hlthir You my ot otic it right wy, but s tim psss you will s your child bcom hppir, mor comfortbl, mor t s Lif is much mor difficult d strssful wh prtdig to b somo you r ot Th srious distrss my trs youth fl bout 4 * Although h or sh would b grmmticlly corrct i this istc, ths gdrd proous xclud youth who my ot strictly idtify with ithr Our solutio is to us thy I th bsc of wll rcogizd ltrtiv, w d rthr b iclusiv Fmilis i TRANSitio

7 thir bodis bgis to rsolv itslf durig trsitio It might sm bit urlistic right ow, but dow th rod you my v pprcit this xpric You my lr mor bout your child, bout gdr, d bout th world You my mt othr fmilis strugglig with ths sm issus, d crt dp bods with thm Fw thigs brig us s clos s big outsidrs togthr No doubt som of wht you lr will gr or sdd you but som will b illumitig d prhps v ispirig 8 Your struggls r diffrt from your child s struggls, but your struggls r rl too Th child you kow is still with you, but diffrt You my d to griv th loss of so or dughtr bfor you c truly wlcom w dughtr or so ito your lif Lt yourslf do this It s lso possibl your child dos ot clrly idtify s fml or ml, d tht c b cofusig d disoritig i its ow right Ths fligs r turl B ptit with yourslf s you mov through thm Your child will b wr this is how you r flig v though you will sldom sy so dirctly Prtdig othrwis ithr hlps or builds trust Whtvr rssurc you c hostly offr your child will hlp both of you This is lot for m to tk i, but I kow w c gt through this togthr I lov you o mttr wht might b ough Try ot to ovrwhlm your child with gtiv fligs Whvr you c, shr y hurt, fr, or disppoitmt with othr dults, spcilly thos who r goig through similr xprics Rssur your child (d yourslf) tht you will vtully fid your wy through to lovig your w dughtr or so with ll your hrt 9 Kow tht th world is t goig to d Lif gos o Wht my sm lik d of o kid c lso b th bgiig of othr You d your child will fid tht lot of lif cotius th sm Whil som popl my b judgmtl, you will lso fid support i uxpctd plcs Thr is ccptc i th world tht you might ot hv kow bout bfor 10 You ll fid hlpful iformtio d support I dditio to this guid, which icluds rsourc sctio t th d, thr r my wodrful popl d sourcs of iformtio tht c support you d your child s you com to udrstd mor bout this issu Hudrds of wbsits r ddictd to ssistig trs youth d dults, d most mjor citis hv groups tht mt rgulrly If you r flig ovrwhlmd right ow, tht s udrstdbl Do t push yourslf to cotiu rdig if you do t fl rdy Thr s othig spcil you d to do right ow Bsids, by rdig o t your ow pc you ll probbly gt mor out of it A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth 5

8 Qustios you my hv Wht is trs? Trs is umbrll trm oft usd to dscrib yo who trscds gdr i som wy Th trm c iclud my diffrt groups of popl who hv diffrt xprics d ds My trs commuitis mk distictios btw groups, lthough lot of th iformtio you my com cross i books, o wbsits, d i othr rsourcs will mk o distictio t ll For this rso, umbrll trms c b cofusig d, s much s w c, w rfr to ths commuity groups sprtly Sx hs to do with how your body is udrstood s ml or fml Gdr hs to do with how you fit ito (or do t fit ito) typicl socil xpcttios d rols st out for wom d for m Wht r th diffrcs btw groups? Trsgdr is umbrll trm typiclly usd to dscrib popl who do ot coform to socilly xpctd gdr rols or prsttio Som popl fl tht thy r ot rlly ithr gdr, or tht thy xist psychologiclly btw gdrs Popl who fl this wy might cll thmslvs drogyous, gdrqur, gdr-utrl, or umbr of othr trms Som popl fl tht thy hv strog spcts of both gdrs, d td to mov btw prstig s primrily msculi d prstig s primrily fmii Popl who fl this wy might cll thmslvs bigdrd, gdrfluid, or umbr of othr trms Thy my prfr to b rfrrd to by gdr-utrl proous (g, zi, hir ) or by both gdrs itrchgbly Som popl xprss thir gdr by choosig to drss or look prticulr wy but choos ot to tk hormos This my or my ot b idictio of somo idtifyig s trsgdrd; it rlly dpds o th prso Som popl choos hormo thrpy or hv surgry to hlp chg thir bodis Popl who dsir d udrgo ths chgs oft idtify s trssxul Trs(sxul) girls r youth who r bor ml but who, i spirit, r truly girls d trs(sxul) boys r youth who r bor fml but who ctully fl lik boys o th isid Trssxul youth typiclly fl mismtch btw thir tomicl pprc (thir bodis) d thir gdr or spirit This mismtch cuss thm profoud distrss Th mdicl commuity clls this kid of distrss gdr dysphori Although th cut distrss is vry rl, som trs popl hv sid it fls mor lik body dysphori Trs boys d girls r usully quit crti bout d cott with thir gdr it s thir bodis thy d to brig i ligmt with thir gdr Bcus of th spcific chgs thy d to mk, trssxul youth must oft itrct with mdicl, psychitric, d lgl systms i wys tht trsgdr youth my ot Trs youth r typiclly itrstd i livig i th gdr rol opposit to th o ssigd to thm t birth This procss of mkig chgs to liv i thir chos gdr is clld trsitioig Trsitioig c iclud both socil d physicl chgs, such s m chg, chg i clothig or hirstyl, lctrolysis, hormos, or surgry Trs girls/ wom should b rfrrd to usig fml proous, whil trs boys/m should b rfrrd to usig ml proous Aftr tim, my trs girls d boys just idtify s girls or boys This oft hpps bcus big trs my bcom lss importt s thy fiish trsitioig d mov o with thir livs Just lik y othr girl or boy growig up, trs girls d boys will d tim to fid out who thy r Bcus vry child is diffrt, this lso 6 Fmilis i TRANSitio

9 ms tht ch trsitio is diffrt for ch child (if thr is o t ll) Trsitioig c b fstr for som d slowr for othrs, d ot vryo follows th sm pth or gos through th sm stps Som popl fl quit sur bout thir idtity whil othrs my d spc d tim to figur out which of ths lbls bst rflcts thir xpric Somtims, th ctgoris thmslvs r ot so t d tidy For xmpl, som trssxul youth choos ot to hv y mdicl procdurs, d som trsgdrd youth choos to ltr thir bodis without choosig to liv s th othr gdr It is importt to kow tht sxul orittio or sxul idtity (whom w r ttrctd to d whom w lov) is diffrt from gdr idtity (th flig tht w r m or wom) Just lik th rst of us, trs popl c b of y sxul orittio htrosxul, gy, lsbi, or bisxul At first this my sm trribly cofusig For xmpl, lt s sy your child is ml-to-fml (MTF) d is ttrctd to othr wom sh might idtify s lsbi Sh my b trs d lsbi; thy r ot th sm thig But sy your child is fml-to-ml (FTM), liks wom, d livd s lsbi bfor h figurd out h ws trs boy As prt, you might wodr, Why c t sh just sty girl d b lsbi? Th swr is tht your child is trs d ot gy H dos t fl lik or wt to b wom, d rltig to wom sxully s wom dos t work or fl right for him H might idtify s htrosxul h wts to b sxul with wom s th m h fls h is Wht cuss trssxulity? You my b skig yourslf, Is it my fult? Did I do somthig wrog i my prgcy? I lt him ply with dolls or I lt hr b tomboy No, it s ot your fult Thr is o compllig vidc to suggst tht prtig cotributs to childr bcomig trssxul Mor importtly, th qustios you r skig yourslf com from th id tht thr is somthig wrog with your child Thr is othig wrog Trssxulity is prt of th ormous divrsity tht xists i th world Your child xprics his or hr gdr s surly s you xpric yours You r just fortut ough to hv body tht rflcts your xpric Thr is othig wrog This ws might b i coflict with dply hld vlus d blifs W wt you to kow tht trs popl hv xistd throughout tim d cross ll culturs Big trs is ot w, whit, or wstr cocpt Thr is othig to b shmd of I fct, i umbr of culturs, gdr vrit d trs popl r hoourd s hvig scrd powrs or ssum rols s spiritul ldrs 2 Whthr you fully udrstd ll tht big trs ms right ow dos ot mttr Your child will do bttr with your lov d support Th short swr is w do t kow For my yrs, rsrchrs hv lookd t multipl biologicl, psychologicl, d socil cuss, o of which sm to provid cosistt or covicig xpltios Th truth is w do t rlly kow wht cuss y gdr idtity icludig yours Th bst scitific swr for th momt is tht gdr idtity dvlopmt (icludig trssxulity) is multi-dtrmid, mig thr r my fctors ivolvd A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth 7

10 Will my child grow out of this? You might b thikig, I m ot v sur I hv to worry bout this Kids go through so my chgs d phss t this tim i thir livs Thr s good chc this is somthig my child will grow out of Whil possibl, th chcs your child will grow out of this r vry smll Wht w kow from th most up-to-dt rsrch is tht gdr idtity sms to b fixd i most idividuls ftr pubrty, d psychologicl trtmts r ot prticulrly succssful i chgig gdr idtity oc it is cosolidtd mkig bodily itrvtios th trtmt of choic for trssxuls 3 I fct, th most rct rsrch bout th xprics of trs youth foud tht trs girls bg slf-idtifyig o vrg t g 13 d trs boys t g 15, suggstig tht gdr idtity corrspods closly to pubrty d cosolidts t gs v rlir th prviously thought 4 My trs popl rport rly sigs of flig diffrt from thir prs d of prfrrig toys, clothig, frids, d ctivitis typiclly ssocitd with th opposit sx Of cours, ot vry child with this kid of history grows up to b trs Not ll prts will otic diffrcs, d ot vry child will dmit to flig diffrt (plygroud tsig for big diffrt from othr childr c b frightig d shmig) My trs youth rmmbr tryig hrd to ct orml d mt th xpcttios for thir birth sx so s to ot std out 5 Som fl so frid thy tk fittig i to xtrm, bhvig i strotypicl msculi or fmii wys Thy my v ld th bullyig of othr visibly gdr o-coformig childr Trs popl oft dscrib pubrty, th poit t which thir bodis bgi to chg d visibly btry thir ir xpric, s trumtizig tur s crul trick d tim of tru dspir 6 It is tim wh fligs of dprssio or thoughts of suicid my mrg or wors If this is th cs ow, pls hlp your child fid profssiol hlp promptly (s Rsourcs ) Is t my child s lif goig to b mor difficult s trsgdrd/trssxul prso? Th short swr is ys d o Your child s lif hs probbly lrdy b chllgig i my wys flig diffrt from othrs, gttig tsd Ad ys, your child s lif will b mor difficult i th ss tht thy will likly hv to dl with discrimitory ttituds i mploymt d housig, d lws tht do ot dqutly protct thir hum rights Oft thr r lso brrirs to socil srvics, my of which r gdr-bsd d lck clr policis, so tht v usig public wshrooms c b ordl Bcus trs popl fc obstcls i gttig som of thir ds mt, th mor support d dvoccy thy hv, th bttr O of th wys prts show support to thir trs childr is by chllgig trsphobi wh d whr thy r comfortbl doig so But o, your child s lif will ot b mor difficult i th ss tht my trs popl rport flig mor comfortbl, cofidt, d hppy s thy fid idtity tht fits with who thy r Lif is much mor difficult d strssful prtdig to b somo you r ot Big trs is ithr choic, or lifstyl If your child could liv hppily with th wy thigs wr, thy would Chcs r, thy hv rlly trid to do this for log tim, d it cotius to ot work d cus lot of uhppiss Th good ws is tht th procss of trsitio typiclly rsolvs lot of th distrss, d my trs youth go o to liv hppy, fulfillig livs Evrythig you hopd for your child is still possibl My supportd trs youth r doig wll i school, d go o to hv good jobs, succssful crrs, d migful rltioships Your child c still hv childr, if h or sh would lik to (s Iformtio bout hormos, pg 23) 8 Fmilis i TRANSitio

11 Trsitio is t mgic It wo t solv y pr-xistig problms tht wr ot gdrrltd, d i som wys it my itroduc w chllgs Howvr, ths chllgs r mor sily tk o from uthtic d supportd plc Wht Oldr Trs Youth Hs to Sy B proud Your child is strog d brv I m hlthir d hppir ow Importt popl roud m sy I hv mor slf-stm d m mor outgoig Evrybody s oticd th diffrc i m I kow trsitio ws dfiitly th right thig Wht bout m? Wht c I ticipt? Words from Prt Th fligs d motios r so my, it is ovrwhlmig, so giv it up Thr is o qustio tht thigs will chg d b diffrt From whr you r stdig ow, thr r my ukows log this joury, which c b frightig d motiolly xhustig Just focus o th child/dult i frot of you Std by d b Listr Chcs r, you hv fcd tryig tims bfor i your lif d hv tht cpcity d thos rsourcs to drw o gi It is importt to tk good cr of yourslf You r i trsitio too A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth 9

12 Fmilis i TRANSitio: A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth A Profssiol s Story Shw hs just strtd first-yr uivrsity with full scholrship h wo for his outstdig grds d ldrship cotributio to th commuity H hs grt frids, positiv rltioship, d h fls proud of who h is This ws ot lwys th cs with Shw Wh h cm to CTYS for his first sssio of cousllig i th Prid & Prjudic progrm 2 yrs go, h ws dprssd, isoltd d hd just strtd cuttig himslf Shw ws bor biologicl girl md Srh Srh hd vrythig goig for hr, sh ws vry smrt, hd lovig supportiv prts, d ws wll likd by hr prs Sh ws rolld i school for dvcd childr d xclld i lrig d i sports For th most prt, sh rmmbrs big hppy All tht chgd wh pubrty hit Srh flt tht hr body btryd hr d sh o logr flt sf big hrslf Wh hr body bg to chg, so did th xpcttios of thos roud hr Sh flt it ws o logr ccptbl to b drssig lik boy d bhvig i tomboy fshio Prs bg to qustio hr lck of fmiiity d prssd hr to chg, but sh could t shk th flig tht sh flt mor lik boy th girl Although sh hd lwys b vry clos to hr prts, sh stoppd tlkig to thm Sh lso discoctd from hr frids d hr grds bg to sigifictly drop I ordr to cop with hr fligs, Srh isoltd hrslf i hr room d bg to cut hrslf with rzor Tht s wh Srh s mom sought hlp d brought hr to CTYS Wh Srh first strtd idividul cousllig, sh would ot tlk Sh ltr disclosd tht sh did ot wt yo to s tht thr ws somthig rlly wrog with hr Sh crrid grt fligs of shm bout who sh ws, d ws trrifid to ckowldg ths doubts to othr hum big This blif ws rootd vry dply i Srh d oly wh sh joid Gdr Ply, xprssiv rts thrpy-bsd group for youth qustioig thir gdr idtity, did this bgi to shift Du to flig ccptd d udrstood by th group, Srh flt comfortbl ough skig Gdr Ply mmbrs to cll him Shw d rfr to him usig ml proous Shw courgously spok bout his ir-most thoughts d fligs d foud commolitis with othrs Istd of hidig who h ws, Shw bg to clbrt his diffrcs Alog with th othr youth Shw shrd his storis d wrot ply bout his xprics Shw slowly strtd comig out to his school prs d tchrs, d ws surprisd to fid mor ccptc th rjctio Not oly did Shw bgi to tlk to his cousllor, prts d prs, through th Gdr Ply projct h foud th courg to tll his story i frot of udic Ovr ths lst two yrs thr hv b my chgs i Shw Not oly hs his body trsitiod from fml to ml, his ss of slf hs trsitiod from o of shm to o of prid LAdr Millr is cousllor d Exprssiv Arts Thrpist i th Prid & Prjudic progrm of CTYS d is th co-foudr of Gdr Ply, thtr bsd group for qur d trs youth dsigd to xplor th complxitis of gdr idtity Gdr Ply ws th 2008 rcipit of th prstigious Vitl Ids Grt from Th Toroto Commuity Foudtio 10

13 Fmilis i TRANSitio: A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth About You Wht you c do for you 1 B wr of your fligs Som prts tk ws of child s gdr idtity i strid For othrs, it c b ovrwhlmig d cofusig wh your child coms out s trs You my fl shock ( I did t s this comig ), hop it is t tru, or fl fligs of shm, blm, btryl ( I thought I kw my child How could thy ot tll m? ), grif, or loss All of ths r commo iitil rctios to hvig lovd o com out s trs, spcilly giv socity s gtiv ttituds towrds trs popl It s importt to b host with yourslf d ckowldg wht it is you r flig, v if you wish you did t hv thos fligs, v if you do t thik it s politiclly corrct to hv thos fligs Igorig fligs dos t mk thm go wy Not big host with yourslf oly dlys th procss of ccptc Try to pproch your fligs with curiosity 11

14 As sid ot, wh w sy it s importt to b host with yourslf, tht s wht w m Thik bout wht you shr with your child bfor you shr it You c vr tk somthig bck, d words c b hurtful My popl thik d fl thigs thy ltr rliz r t tru, or simply shift ovr tim You r llowd to hv privt procss I th bgiig, wh you my hv th lst support d your fligs r th strogst, it my b tmptig to us your child s somo to hlp you work out your fligs W rcommd skig support from othr prts who hv hd similr xprics istd W thik your rltioship with your child will b bttr off for it O Prt s Commt Disppoitmt, fr, mbrrssmt thos r your issus Do t tll thm to your child Tll thm oly lov, ccptc, blif i thir bility to gt d hv d b whtvr thy wt Tll thm thy r th most wodrful, butiful big tht vr xistd bcus thy r Thy do t d your disppoitmt, fr d mbrrssmt Thos r your issus You dl with thm Whil it s importt to b host with yourslf bout your fligs, lttig yourslf sty stuck i thos fligs is ot productiv You lov your child, d you ow it to your child d yourslf to mov forwrd Th oly wy out of your fligs is through thm, d tht usully ms hrd work Oky, but how do I gt through thm? Wht hlps? 2 Gt ccurt iformtio bout trssxul d/or trsgdr issus Thr r lot of strotyps d misiformtio bout trs popl out thr, which c ful y frs d xitis you my hv Rdig d lrig mor bout trs issus from ccurt d trustworthy sourcs is importt strt Strtig o pg 31, w list umbr of rsourcs s plcs you might bgi Fl fr to sk your child qustios too, but lwys sk prmissio first, d try to do som of your ow work hd of tim It c b xhustig d burdsom for childr to duct th lovd os i thir livs (S Pottil qustios to sk your child ) 3 Gt som support for yourslf You r ot th oly prt with trs child, v though it my fl tht wy Mtig up with othr prts to gt support, or myb to giv support, c b rlivig d grt plc to shr iformtio Howvr, ot vryo s rdy to tk tht stp If this fls lik too much t this stg, you my wt to thik bout tlkig to thrpist kowldgbl bout trs issus if you do t lrdy hv o, d cosidr group t ltr tim 4 Kow tht it s procss (d ot lir o) Gdr thrpist Ari Istr Lv 7 hs workd with my fmilis who hv trs fmily mmbr I hr yrs of xpric, sh s s pttr of how fmilis cop ovr tim Sh ssums vryo i th fmily systm is ffctd somhow; ot vryo trvls through th stgs i th sm wy or t th sm pc; d popl my skip, or mov bck d forth btw stgs 12 Fmilis i TRANSitio

15 Sh ss tht fmily mmbrs typiclly go through 4 diffrt stgs: (1) Discovry d disclosur Wh fmily mmbr first tlls othr fmily mmbrs bout big trs, thy oft iitilly fl shockd, cofusd, btryd, ovrwhlmd (2) Turmoil This c b tim of grt strss, coflict, d chos i th fmily This my look lik my thigs flig of crisis, s wll s loss; hvig my qustios d worris, icludig srchig for wht ls you do t kow bout your lovd o; frs bout big xposd or stigmtizd (both for yourslf d your child); prtdig othig hs hppd (3) Ngotitio This is th poit t which fmilis rliz this issu is ot goig wy d must b dlt with Ngotitio is lwys ogoig, but fmilis bgi sortig out compromiss tht vryo c liv with (g, wrig drogyous clothig for importt fmily vts) (4) Fidig blc This stg dos ot m vrythig is rsolvd It dos m tht your trs child is ot scrt, d tht th fmily is o logr i turmoil This stg is lso bout big rdy to ccpt your trs child s trs child bck ito th fmily systm Som popl hv mrkd this tim by holdig clbrtio or ritul, such s ritroductio prty Eductig frids or schools my b prt of th work i this stg, but dily lif dos ot rvolv so much roud trs issus d orml routis r tk up gi Pottil qustios to sk your child It my b hrd to kow whr to bgi Hr r som ids to gt op covrstio goig, rmmbrig tht you my ot gt ll th swrs you wt i th first covrstio: How log hv you b thikig bout this? Wht strtd you thikig bout it? How do you s your gdr? Whr did you lr bout trsgdr/ trssxul popl? Wht did you lr? How do you fl bout yourslf? How do you fl bout your body? Ar thr popl you c tlk to bout ths fligs? Dos yo hrss you bout your gdr? Wht do you thik I d to gt mor iformtio bout? Ar you thikig of chgig your m, d th proous popl us to rfr to you? Wht s hlpig you i this procss? Wht s ot hlpig you? How c I hlp? B thoughtful bout th qustios you sk, d kow why it is you r skig thm A quick chck o whthr qustio my fl ivsiv to your child is to tur th qustio roud Is this qustio I would b prprd to swr myslf? Is this qustio tht I would rsobly sk o-trs prso? You might lso sk your child if thy would llow you to spk with thir thrpist or physici so tht you c sk spcific qustios bout th cr your child is rcivig B prprd tht thy my ot b comfortbl with this suggstio I tht cs, try to fid othr wys to sty ggd with, d iformd bout, thir cr W courg you to pc your qustios, for both your sks O pic of dvic tht s lwys styd with o of us is, Do t sk qustio if you r ot prprd to hr th swr A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth 13

16 Fmilis i TRANSitio: A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth Wht Thrpists Hv to Sy All youth d popl who lov, ccpt, d udrstd thm You my b o of th fw popl who rspcts d supports your child, so it s importt to offr this Mk your hom sf d supportiv viromt Trs youth r oft t grtr risk for socil isoltio d trgtd bullyig Your child my fc piful discrimitio d brrirs i th brodr commuity Mk sur your hom is hv from such discrimitio Commuict tht you lov d support your child o mttr wht Ecourg your child to b him/hrslf i your hom so h/sh xprics t lst o plc of sfty Hlp your child fid othr trs-positiv plcs so h or sh fls ss of blogig If your child coutrs discrimitio, b dvoct! Your rol my b to duct xtdd fmily, tchrs, d commuitis to prvt furthr brrirs Show your child you r o his/hr sid Hlp your child rsrch th impct of th my choics ivolvd i trsitioig It is oky to hv cocrs d doubts bout th choics your child is mkig A supportiv wy of xprssig ths thoughts is to ssist your child i thoroughly rsrchig ll possibl choics lik hormos d surgry Togthr you c look t th pros d cos of ch dcisio Th bst wy to hlp your child is to fid plc for yourslf to gt support durig this procss Whil it is crucil to b host d uthtic bout your thoughts d fligs, it is v mor importt tht your child is ot th prso with whom you procss ths thigs - LAdr Millr, MA, Coorditor, Cousllig Srvics, Prid & Prjudic/CTYS It s hrd to hr tht your so or dughtr is t who you thought thy wr It my tk quit som tim to gt your hd roud it Listig to your child is th mi thig Cousllig my b hlpful too if you c fid somo who is kowldgbl bout trs issus But thr is o substitut for spdig tim with othr prts of trs childr Thy will udrstd bttr th yo ls wht you r goig through If you c t fid yo whr you liv, fid bullti bord or list srv o th itrt As cousllor, I do worry bit bout prts who sm vry ccptig right wy I oft hr storis lik this: O of my prts ws trrificlly ccptig right off th bt It mt so much to m t th tim Th othr prt ws wful w fought for moths d moths But you kow, tht s th prt I m rlly clos to ow thy rlly gt it! Tk your tim B rl I th log ru you will s wht diffrc it mks to your child to b tru to himslf or hrslf, dspit th discrimitio h or sh will fc - Hrshl Russll, MA, trs m, Psychothrpist 14 Som prts d to griv th loss of thir so /dughtr bfor goig o to ccpt th trsprso i his or hr w gdr idtity/rol B midful tht lthough udrstdig is bficil d fcilitts th procss of ccptc, it is ot bsolutly cssry for ccptc Th mor o udrstds, howvr, th sir it is to ccpt i dpr ss Th bst wy for prts to support thir trs child is to xprss thir lov d support ucoditiolly d to offr to trvl log th gdr joury i th wy most bficil to him or hr Prts should sk spcificlly how thir so or dughtr would lik to b supportd It my b hlpful to fid qulifid, trspositiv thrpist to support both th trs child d his or hr fmily through th trsitioig procss, to hlp th trs child miti hop, d to hlp dvlop rsilic, positiv copig skills, d strtgis to sty sf - Ruprt Rj, MA, Cousllor, LGBTT Progrm, Shrbour Hlth Ctr

17 Wht you c do for your child 1 Rssur your child I th ftrmth of comig out, your child my b flig vulrbl, or v frid of your rjctio Lt your child kow how much you lov d cr for thm A top priority is surig hom is sf d rspctful viromt This ms usig your child s choic of m d proou whil rspctig y grd o privcy limits It ms givig your child, ot just chc to xplor who thy r, but positiv ss of slf 8 This ctiv stp my (or my ot) lso ivolv som spct of rpir to your pst rltioship Th mjority of trs youth itrviwd i rct study showd tht my trs wom d m rmmbr s childr big told by thir prts to stop big sissy or tomboy, rspctivly thrby big tught to fl fr d shm bout who thy r 9 Prts Supportivss Mttrs > 18% of trs youth i Chicgo study wr homlss 10 > 50% of trs youth i Nw York study, whr th vrg g of prticipts ws 16, did ot liv with fmily 11 2 Hlp your child coct with g-pproprit commuity Thr r visibl trs commuitis, but my r dult-focusd, somtims lvig fw g-pproprit ctivitis d spcs for youth to coct 12 Th xpric of big youg d trs is quit diffrt from tht of dults Trs youth my lso ot hv hd rgulr pr socil group (ithr bcus thy hv b socilly xcludd by othrs, or bcus thy flt thy did t fit i d withdrw thmslvs) Bcus of this, fidig wlcomig d urturig spc with othr youth who hv hd similr xprics c b vry importt Som of th bfits of groups iclud support, commuity, d just ormlizig th xpric of big youg d trs 13 I Toroto, w r fortut ough to hv som opportuitis for trs youth to coct with o othr, d lso mt positiv commuity rol modls (s Support for trs youth i Toroto udr Rsourcs ) Bcus youth hv fwr rsourcs vilbl to thm, oli commuitis r lso spcilly importt for thm to ffirm d vlidt thir xprics d cultivt ss of collctiv idtity 14 This will b prticulrly importt for youth outsid th GTA who my ot hv ccss to i-prso rsourcs 3 Prpr your child to dl with hrssmt Schools hv b otoriously difficult plcs for trs youth, disproportiot umbr of whom fc srious vrbl d physicl hrssmt from prs, d rciv limitd protctio from stff My of ths youth do ot fl sf i school, d my drop out A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth 15

18 Youth t Risk > 96% of trs youth i Phildlphi study xpricd hrssmt t school bsd o thir gdr idtity/xprssio; 75% did ot fl sf t school, d droppd out 15 > 96% of trs youth i Wshigto study wr victimizd t high school i som wy; 29% droppd out for hrssmt-rltd rsos 16 Toroto offrs Th Trigl Progrm, LGBT school tht provids sf viromt to r cdmic crdits Othr high schools c d hv rspodd ssitivly to trs youth, d succssfully hlpd youth trsitio (s Dl Clldr s Wh Mtt bcm Jd, Oli rsourcs for prts of trs youth, udr Rsourcs for prts ) Th Toroto District School Bord s quity policis r i plc to sur th ds d sfty of ll trssxul, trsgdrd, d 2-spirit studts r spcificlly md d icludd i ths policis (s Sctio 3 of th policy) Schools r mdtd to rspod ffctivly wh d whr cssry, d tchrs r boud, s Bord mploys, to support trs studts to th bst of thir bilitis Whil ths policis r i plc, stff my vry i thir kowldg of trs issus s wll s thir rsposivss to icidts Ev with supportiv popl, it c b difficult for stff d dmiistrtors to ddrss vrythig tht hpps thr Mor importtly, school is just o vu Ultimtly, you cot protct your child from th hrssmt thy my fc i th world Wht you c do is ticipt ths chllgs with your child, d hlp thm strtgiz bout, or rol-ply, how to dl with thm Sic physicl sfty c b cocr, som trs youth crry cll phos to ccss hlp quickly if d b 4 Advoct for your child Whr you c hlp, hlp Myb it ms sittig dow with th pricipl or tchr(s) d xpliig trs issus d wht your child is goig through It my m isistig tht thy us your child s chos m d corrct proous, surig tht h or sh c us th corrct wshroom or, if thr is drss cod, tht rsobl ccommodtios r md Myb it ms followig up with th school if your child is big bullid, d mkig sur th school is tkig zro tolrc pproch d dlig with th issu rsposibly I othr cotxts lik hlth cr, for xmpl, dvoctig for your child my m surig tht your child is rcivig timly, comprhsiv, trs-positiv hlth cr It is lwys difficult s prt to figur out wh d how bst to itrv o bhlf of child It dpds o th situtio, th child s g, d wht th pottil cosqucs of itrvig (or ot) my b A dvoccy guid for trs popl d lovd os (s Vcouvr Costl Hlth udr Oli rsourcs for prts of trs youth ) givs comprhsiv ovrviw of grl dvoccy tips d strtgis, s wll s my trs-spcific xmpls d possibl hlpful itrvtios 5 Gt ctiv i hlpig to lobby for socil chg Activ lobby groups i Cd, such s EGALE d th Ribow Hlth Ntwork s Trs Hlth Lobby Group, r workig o hcig hum rights for trs popl by lobbyig govrmt to iclud gdr idtity i protctiv lgisltio d to ristitut hlth cr covrg for trsitio- 16 Fmilis i TRANSitio

19 rltd xpss Som workplc uios r workig to put protctios i plc for trs popl Ths iititivs d th support of llis Fid out how you c hlp by visitig th wbsits of, or phoig, lobby groups ddrssig your prticulr cocrs (s Liv support d Oli rsourcs udr Rsourcs for Prts ) Adptig to proou d m chgs Lrig to cll child by w m d pproprit proous is hrd thig for my prts You v b usig thir birth m for yrs, d bcus you chos it, you likly hv som motiol ttchmt to it I th bsc of physicl chgs, your child my ot look much diffrt to you i th bgiig Kow tht you r boud to mk my slip-ups Prctic, pologiz wh you mk mistk, d tk comfort i kowig it will gt sir with tim If your child is prstig i public s thir chos gdr, kp i mid tht by ot followig thir ld you could udrmi othrs ccptc of th chg or, wors, plc your child t risk of hrssmt My mom s probbly th biggst dult lly tht I hv Sh dos t lwys kow wht I m tlkig bout, but sh tris rlly hrd, d hs do rlly wll with th lrig curv If you r ot rdy to us w m or diffrt proou, try tmporry compromis of ot usig m or proou t ll i public A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth 17

20 Fmilis i TRANSitio: A Rsourc Guid for Prts of Trs Youth A Prt s Iitil Lttr to Aothr Prt rt su p p ort u s ito th p g ti p cc b b l to g d It ws g o o d to you for iviti k p o th d to b g o ig I would fir st lik g Evryo is so vry ic thir s I hv t u o b r i h d grou p lst v ur joury rts b out o p r g th i o to tlk lst v d outs fro m I m flig throug h th h c for m s ri p x w ur o losig my ry sd b out rfl ct o yo v c u so l yo if f g ill ri of tim l, I st I w s wo d s sp t lot y s For xm p lw r v w h f d grif of lly vry stu ck i s motio tt ig pst th o g t cl u ly o b m lf tr x t to cc pt tll mys so W r st ill d o t w I ic l thig s to g s lo u c th b w o b ow b o u t to g thr I k hr It mu st I ot hv k ck ld u u st co m w o s H I t v mis s d f g uilt th loss bu how could I h us mout o o rm s o o cl ry l wr o so v this I st ill f s bck thr r? If w wr g m u co yo lly s ic w r lo g ld this b so this wh h? T h sw So how cou ss ild i ch p p py p h h u s ssiv lif y sig s of h ws lwy ith su ch m w Jo h g ss u ro i th p p w is so vry fo llo sig s of uh fl stu ck it ld h wt to I u o r w h hy w w d o g is lo g ic l fu si pro mit, r vry thi to my x t co tt m p s t g h g ri u b o is vry m th chg? T his I shr th s rso It d v h t o h s Jo o st d tic T h illo g ic l B oth thig tht ju st io is it is g m g so g d su t o rs g s, I cot ud of my rd i m I so m r it ju st is fo so g r ti o r st is fr u r th is g g st io sur you o ly othr su s (whic h I m g li f s O ky, I m st th ju st d ci d d, u d o to g t p u yo yo id d d t h y w d o css so you So Ptr ic i, lig ht g o o tr sitio pro id D th f )? o d rt c p I would tr uly r to b lso x p ri ck flig s? tu Ws it si s? is th th h t g p u thro g o ig to cc c d p low th x p ri i d bck i f jo y ld u co ld g iv m u o w u yo if of p pr cit t to th p o it o wt to g d isi d I d py p h, lly b y so to m co d iti o t u, w so st y ju m I I tr uly lov ow ultimtly b cu s I k, c t p cc m hlp, I ju st d so T hks g i Hi Ptr ic i, L i d 18

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