Why Forgiveness is Essential & The Forgiveness Mandala: A Healing Exercise

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1 Why Forgiveness is Essential & The Forgiveness Mandala: A Healing Exercise Brought to You by Rae Luskin Nearly everyone has been hurt by actions or words of another person. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, betrayal, bitterness or even vengeance. If you don t practice forgiveness you may be the one who pays the price. The act, the words can remain part of you forever, but with forgiveness work, the grip on your heart will lessen and help you focus on other positive parts of your life. It does not mean that you deny their responsibility or minimize that it was wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I had to do a lot of work on forgiveness. I looked at forgiveness in three stages: First, how do I forgive myself? Second, how do I forgive those who should have protected me? Third, do I forgive my perpetrator? I want to be clear that forgiving yourself is imperative to recovery. The rest is optional. No one has lived your experience. No one is in a position to tell you what to do or think about your abuse. What you do need to do is forgive yourself. The guilt, the shame, the feelings of worthlessness all belong with the person who hurt you. Now is the time to forgive yourself. Make a conscious decision to forgive yourself for the limitations you have put on your life. If you are not leading your best life now, give forgiveness a chance. The medical community is starting to recognize the role that anger and resentment play in creating disease and addictions. Between 1997 and 2003, the Campaign for Forgiveness research funded 46 different projects on the effects of forgiveness. Dr. Larry Bergstrom, the director of the Integrative Medicine program at the Mayo clinic in Scottsdale Arizona found that the stress of being a victim may lead to physical illness. His research showed 75% of his patients with fibromyalgia were sexually abused. Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University, author of Forgive for Good, studied heart disease and found improved cardiovascular functioning when people forgave.

2 Another study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine stated forgiveness was positively associated with five measures of health; physical symptoms, medication used, sleep quality, fatigue and somatic complaints. It appears that letting go of anger and working on forgiveness could actually save your life. Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for compassion, kindness and peace. It is a gift you give yourself. Forgiveness can lead to: Healthier relationships Greater spiritual well being Less frequent illness A greater sense of control and power Lower blood pressure Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse Use the exercise on the following pages when you are ready to dedicate some time to healing your soul through forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is a choice.

3 Forgiveness Mandala Mandala is the Sanskit word for magic circle. The circle is a universal symbol. It appears everywhere in nature: sun, moon, rings on a tree trunk, or a birds nest. It can be found in the iris of the eye or in the cells of the body. Throughout history the mandala has been a part of spiritual and religious practices. We will use it here as part of a forgiveness exercise. You can find the Forgiveness Mandala at the end of this document. Tip: If you are considering working on forgiving yourself, those who did not protect you or your abuser write down the name of three people you can call if the exercise becomes too intense, Let them know you are doing this activity. Or you can wait until you are with your therapist. This exercise is only meant to complement traditional talk therapy. Close your eyes. Take a couple of deep breaths. Sit in the quiet for a moment or two. Identify a situation in the world, your family, community or someone in your life that has caused you pain. It can be someone living or dead, someone you may see every day or not in 20 years. Think about the anger or resentment you have. Sit with the feelings. Realize that it is in the past and you cannot change the experience now. Nor can you change the other person. You have no control over them. Now take the mandala sheet and put the name of the person at the top of the paper. Now fill in the larger outside circle with all the thoughts, feelings, judgments and attitudes you have about the person or situation you are mad at. Put everything in there. For example were they critical, sarcastic or mean? How did they affect you, drive you crazy, hurt you physically, emotionally or sexually? What are their flaws as you see them? Take your time. No one will see this but you. Now I want you to think of all the reasons to let it go? How will you feel? How will it make a difference in your life? I cancelebrate the holidays with Aunt Jo instead of avoiding my brother. I can sleep better at night.. I can stop punishing myself. Write those in the center circle. Now I want you to close your eyes again, place the sheet of paper in your lap, your mandala. Let your hands rest on the paper. In your mind s eye place an empty chair in front of you and watch the person or situation come toward the chair. How do they look? Happy to see you? Wary? Older? Now ask yourself are you willing to forgive this person totally? Are you willing to let go of everything you wrote on this paper? You may not want to, may not think you know how. Again ask yourself if you are willing, yes or no? It really does not matter if you said yes or no, it is enough that you brought his person to sit in front of you. That means you are willing to do some healing between the two of you. We need sometimes to say no before we say yes. In your mind s eye if there is something you need to say to that person or wish them to say to you. Sit with it. Listen for the answers, just let it be. If you desire, you can hug them

4 in your mind, shake hands, do whatever you want. Watch them walk away. Know that some healing is taking place. Now open your eyes take the piece of paper and across the top and write I have totally and absolutely forgiven this person. If you are not there yet write what you think you need to forgive them. Tear it up and throw it away. This symbolizes you are complete in the process no matter how you answered it for today. Symbolically you are letting go. For me, the survivor, forgiveness is an act of faith and courage. By embracing forgiveness I found more hope, peace, love and joy. I always tell my kids do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I love this quote by Elisabeth Kubler Ross You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to. I am not the same nor would I want to be. About Rae & Survivor Soulutions Rae has been an artist, teacher and community activist in the greater Chicago area for the last 15 years. In 1999, she founded Art & Soul Connections, which is dedicated to selfdiscovery and healing through the arts. As a consultant, she has worked with several agencies to train social workers in the expressive arts. Most recently she has been involved in education and advocacy issues associated with domestic violence. At the beginning of 2010 she decided to make it her mission to stand up and speak about the everyday struggle the sexual abuse survivor faces. "I want to give a name and a face to the issue." Sharing her story and healing art work in the community has changed the lives of hundreds of people. Visit Survivor Soulutions online at You will find more great healing and educational resources there. Rae is available for speaking engagements, please contact her online if you are interested in having her speak with your group. You can also connect with Rae on: Twitter: Facebook: LinkedIn:

5 The Forgiveness Mandala