At least sometime during the grieving process, people are angry. Anger is really disappointed hope.

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2 C h a p t e r 11 Anger, Guilt, Depression, and Why? Questions Anger is really disappointed hope. Erica Jong Anger At least sometime during the grieving process, people are angry with doctors, their family, God, their situation, themselves and even with the person who died. Clearly, not all anger is rational, and can cause us to make decisions we will later regret. While anger is normal when working through grief, if it lingers too long or harms others emotionally or physically, it is obviously not healthy and can be destructive. I have encountered people in grief-support groups who did not even realize they were angry until they started to journal or talk about what was on their minds. As they faced their feelings and began to identify them, anger percolated to the surface... and they recognized its presence lurking within their own issues. This realization enabled them to work through the anger and move toward healing. 101

3 102 Stunned by Grief Carrie s mom died after a long illness. Their relationship had been a tug-of-war for control throughout their lives, but the two of them worked hard to resolve their differences Anger: an acid before her mom died. Carrie wrestled with guilt that can do more and deep sadness over her mother s death, and harm to the vessel she withdrew, internalizing her loss. in which it is stored As she discussed her situation, Carrie grew angry. She blamed her husband for not being than to anything supportive. However, she had not shared any on which it is of her feelings with him. He had no idea what poured. was going on, what she needed, or how he could Seneca help. Carrie s withdrawal had pushed him farther away. Once she realized what was happening, she knew that their issues were the result of her unidentified (and unjustified) anger. She saw that she needed to communicate with her husband and begin to release the angry emotions. Anger can actually help us. It can bring us I have encountered to the point when we finally say, Enough is people... who did enough, and we decide it is time to do whatever is necessary to get better. Anger reminds not even realize they were angry us, after feeling numb, that our emotions are until they started reawakening. to journal or talk Anger reminds us we are still alive. about what was on In the following poem, I Told God I Was their minds. Angry, Jessica Shaver Renshaw speaks honestly about thoughts we may have but are tough to admit, even to ourselves. Anger toward God can be difficult to face up to because it generates tremendous guilt. Sometimes anger focuses on others or even on oneself, but regardless of its target, confession and forgiveness are necessary.

4 Anger, Guilt, Depression, and Why? Questions 103 I Told God I Was Angry I told God I was angry. I thought He d be surprised. I thought I d kept hostility quite cleverly disguised. I told the Lord I hate Him I told Him that I hurt. I told Him that He isn t fair, He s treated me like dirt. I told God I was angry but I m the one surprised. What I ve known all along, He said, you ve finally realized. At last you have admitted what s really in your heart. Dishonesty, not anger, was keeping us apart. Even when you hate Me I don t stop loving you. Before you can receive that love you must confess what s true. In telling Me the anger you genuinely feel, it loses power over you, permitting you to heal. I told God I was sorry and He s forgiven me. The truth that I was angry has finally set me free. Jessica Shaver Renshaw 1989

5 104 Stunned by Grief Anger is a normal response to loss. However, anger victimizes us. Just like all other emotions connected to grief, resolving these feelings constructively promotes mental and physical health. In Patsy Clairmont s book, Under His Wings, she talks about the importance of experiencing the full range of emotions connected with grief: If we don t feel, weep, talk, rage, grieve, and question, we will hide and be afraid of the parts of life that deepen us. They make us not only wiser but gentler, more compassionate, less critical, and more Christlike. Unless we squarely face the difficult, painful parts of life, we will not go through the steps that give us the capacity to be more deeply human. Grief work is worth the price. Guilt Most people (actually, all!) feel guilty and try to second guess what they coulda, shoulda, might have done... and on and on. Truthfully, most people do the very best they can with what they know at the time. Maya Angelou talks about making mistakes and doing better: It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes... But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, well, if I d known better I d have done better, that s all. Maya Angelou

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