Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 1 of 11

Transcription

1 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 1 of 11 Abbott & Costello Shootin Dice from Buck Privates (modified with standup routine) Transcribed by Ben Dooley for Those Thrilling Days of Yesteryear old time radio recreations. CAST: Abbott (Smitty)- Costello (Herbie)- Guys- (SFX: Shaking Dice) ABBOTT: Come on, dice. Come on, dice. Do your duty. Seven for poppa, come on. Just this once. And there they go (SFX: Dice rolling) ABBOTT: Ha. Read em and weep boys. Seven, a natural. GUYS: What luck. Geeze. I don t believe it. ABBOTT: Come on boys, put your money down GUYS: Not me, I m cleaned out. I m not givin you another nickel. Too much for me. COSTELLO: (Calling) Hey, Smitty. (closer) Hey. Hi, Smitty, how are you? ABBOTT: Hello, Herbie. COSTELLO: What are you doing? GUYS: Your pal Smitty just gave us a lesson in dice. ABBOTT: Oh, yeah? How do you like that? Playing dice on a choo-choo train? ABBOTT: Yeah. COSTELLO: Oh boy. What is that? ABBOTT: Dice. COSTELLO: Dice. ABBOTT: Mm, hm. COSTELLO: What s that? ABBOTT: It s a game. COSTELLO: (Whistles) ABBOTT: You ever play a game of dice? COSTELLO: Oh, no, no. Not me. ABBOTT: Well, you play games?

2 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 2 of 11 COSTELLO: Oh I play games, but I don t play that game of dice. ABBOTT: What do you play? COSTELLO: I play, I Spy, and then I play Post Office ABBOTT: Oh. Post office? That's a kid's game. COSTELLO: Not the way I play it. And I play Jacks ABBOTT: Jacks? COSTELLO: I m up to my foursies. ABBOTT: Oh, no no no no. This is a REAL game. You see there s numbers on there from one to six. You roll them out on the floor. See, if you should throw a six and a one that's seven, that's a natural, you win. If you should throw a five and a two, that s seven, that's a natural, you win. If you should roll a four and a three, that's seven, that s a natural, you win. COSTELLO: That's all you do is win? ABBOTT: Well, no. COSTELLO:(Getting there's a catch) Oh, you can lose, too. ABBOTT: Once in a while. If you throw two aces, that's craps, you lose. You throw two sixes, that's craps, you lose. In other words, seven, you win, craps, you lose. COSTELLO:(getting it) Oh, sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. ABBOTT: Thaaaat's it. COSTELLO: That's a fair game. ABBOTT: Fair game? Oh sure, it's a fair game. You want to play it? COSTELLO: Yeah. I'd like to play. ABBOTT: Yeah, sure. Well let's play, come on. There s the dice. Now, ah. Wait a minute, before you roll them out. Of course, if you roll them out and you make a seven what do you win? COSTELLO: Nuttin. ABBOTT: Well, now you don t want to win nothing, do you? COSTELLO: Not if I can help it. ABBOTT: Well, certainly not. So I ll tell you what we ll do. We ll each put ten dollars down. Then when you make your seven see you pick up the twenty dollars. COSTELLO: Oh, we EACH put ten dollars down? ABBOTT: That s it.

3 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 3 of 11 COSTELLO: Smitty, don t call this gambling, will you? ABBOTT: No no no no no. COSTELLO: I don t want my mother to find out about this. ABBOTT:L Oh, don t worry about that. COSTELLO: Well call it Bank Night. ABBOTT: All right, we ll call it Bank Night. COSTELLO: OK. ABBOTT: Go ahead. COSTELLO: How, what do I do with these square things? ABBOTT: You just roll them out. And if you should throw a seven, you win! And craps you lose. COSTELLO: Throw em out? ABBOTT: That s all. COSTELLO: Here I go.. ABBOTT: Never played this game before, eh? COSTELLO: Put your ten dollars down. ABBOTT: It ll be down. COSTELLO: You have it in your hand, I want it down. ABBOTT: There it is. COSTELLO: Down! On the floor! ABBOTT: It s down, now. COSTELLO: Keep it down. ABBOTT: All right now. COSTELLO: Keep your foot off it. ABBOTT: All right. COSTELLO: Keep your foot off it! ABBOTT: All right, all right, all right. COSTELLO: Keep your foot clear of that tab. ABBOTT: All right. There you are. It s clear. Go ahead, roll em out. COSTELLO: Here I go. Wheeee! (SFX: Dice rolling) COSTELLO: Se-heven.

4 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 4 of 11 ABBOTT: Mm, hm. COSTELLO: I win. ABBOTT: Yeah. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I forgot to tell you, you don't pick up the money right away. COSTELLO: I don't get to pick it up? ABBOTT: Oh, sure, sure, sure,. But not right away. COSTELLO: What do you mean. I wait til it gets up to my chin? ABBOTT: That 's the idea. COSTELLO: Then I ship it down by truck. ABBOTT: That s the idea. Well, how do you like the game so far? COSTELLO: It s good! ABBOTT: You like it? Never played it, huh? COSTELLO: No. ABBOTT: Well, hm. Ah, what do you want to put down now? COSTELLO: Fade back (SFX: hitting) COSTELLO: Keep your hands to yourself. ABBOTT: What do you mean fade back. COSTELLO: Well don t slap me in the face. ABBOTT: I thought you told me you never played this game? COSTELLO: Well it ain t a bit nice. Keep your hands to yourself. ABBOTT: Just a minute, I thought COSTELLO: I don t like it, that s all. ABBOTT: You told me COSTELLO: You got no right to slap me in the puss. ABBOTT: Just a minute, you told me you never played this game. COSTELLO: I never played the game before, and that s that, and keep your hands where they belong. ABBOTT: Where'd you get that "Fade back"? COSTELLO: It just came to me out of thin air. ABBOTT: What do you mean out of thin air. COSTELLO: I thought of it and I said it. Is it wrong?

5 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 5 of 11 ABBOTT: Naw, it s too darn right. Are you sure you never played this game? COSTELLO: Yes. I m surprised at you, Smitty. You even could doubt DOUBT! that I could ABBOTT: All right, all right. Never mind. All right, I ll take another chance. There you are. Roll em out. Go ahead. Forget about it. Seven you win, craps, you lose. Same thing. COSTELLO: And I want to remind you once more now, keep your hands to yourself. Cause I don t like that. ABBOTT: Well, don t make those remarks. I don t like them. COSTELLO: You can kick me, but don t slap me. ABBOTT: Never mind. I ll use my own judgment. Go ahead. COSTELLO: Thank you. Now I throw em out again. ABBOTT: Throw em out again. COSTELLO: Wheeee! (SFX: Dice rolling) COSTELLO: Seven again. ABBOTT: Mm, hm. COSTELLO: I m lucky. ABBOTT: Yes. Well, I guess it s beginner s luck. COSTELLO: Yes. ABBOTT: All right, what do you wanna shoot now? COSTELLO: Um, let it ride. (SFX: Slap) ABBOTT: Wait a minute! COSTELLO: Smitty. ABBOTT: Wait a minute! COSTELLO: I tell you. Now keep your hands to yourself. I don t go for that, now. ABBOTT: Don t give me that. Now come on, now speak up like a man. COSTELLO: Now boot me around, but don t slap me. ABBOTT: Just a minute. COSTELLO: I don t go for that.

6 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 6 of 11 ABBOTT: Don t tell me you got that out of thin air. Where did you get it? Come on! Where did you hear it? COSTELLO: I heard it at the clubhouse. ABBOTT: Yeah, I knew it. COSTELLO: I m sorry. ABBOTT: Then you did play the game. COSTELLO: Not me, Smitty. I m not lyin. Honest. ABBOTT: Come on, speak up. COSTELLO: I was at the clubhouse one night and I saw a bunch of the kids ABBOTT: Mm, hm. COSTELLO: And they was all around the table and they had lumps of sugar with black marks on them. ABBOTT: Mm, hm. COSTELLO: And they was throwin them out. And they was yellin those kind of things. ABBOTT: Oh. Oh. But you didn t play in the game. COSTELLO: Oh, no sir. ABBOTT: Oh. COSTELLO: I was too young. ABBOTT: Oh I COSTELLO: I m just a boy. ABBOTT: I know that. I COSTELLO: They wouldn t let me play. ABBOTT: I understand it now. It s all right. No hard feelings. COSTELLO: No? ABBOTT: No. COSTELLO: Starting Tuesday, I m going out with girls. ABBOTT: Why, sure. Certainly. Here you are. COSTELLO: You see, those kind of things, when they say those kind of things, I m at the age where I pick em up fast. ABBOTT: I know. I know that. I appreciate that. Cause you re a smart boy. COSTELLO: See, you can t blame me for that. ABBOTT: Nooo, no no no no no no no. Go ahead, now, roll em

7 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 7 of 11 COSTELLO: BUT KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF! ABBOTT: All right, now, no more arguing. Everything s lovely. All right? COSTELLO: Yes. ABBOTT: Go ahead, roll em out. COSTELLO: Same thing? ABBOTT: Same thing. Seven you win, craps you lose. Go ahead. COSTELLO: It s a good game. ABBOTT: You like it, don t you? COSTELLO: Yes. ABBOTT: That s a boy. COSTELLO: Here I go. ABBOTT: See the money piling up? COSTELLO: Yea, and in my direction, too. ABBOTT: That s right. Go ahead. (SFX: Dice roll) COSTELLO: Wheeeeeee. ABBOTT: Eleven. COSTELLO: Hey, you never said nuttin about eleven. ABBOTT: Oh yes, that.. that's right. Well, eleven don't mean anything. COSTELLO: No? ABBOTT: No. Personally, I don t know why they put those other numbers on the dice. COSTELLO: I guess they had a lot of room so they put the extra dots on there. ABBOTT: That s it, that s it. COSTELLO: I tell you what we ll do. ABBOTT: What? COSTELLO: We ll call eleven, Intermission. ABBOTT: Intermission. Say that s a good name for it. But go ahead, I ll give you another chance. COSTELLO: Intermission. ABBOTT: Intermission. COSTELLO: Now I roll them our again.

8 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 8 of 11 ABBOTT: That s right. COSTELLO: You give me another chance? ABBOTT: Suuure. COSTELLO: You re a regular kid, Smitty. ABBOTT: Sure, I am. Go ahead. COSTELLO: That s my pal. ABBOTT: Go ahead. COSTELLO: Here I go! ABBOTT: That s a boy.. COSTELLO: Wheeeee. (SFX: Dice rolling) ABBOTT: Four. COSTELLO: Little Joe. ABBOTT: Little Joe, huh? (SFX: slap) COSTELLO: Now, Smitty, I ABBOTT: Don t give me that. COSTELLO: NO more slapping in the face.. ABBOTT: Uh, huh. COSTELLO: I don t go for that, that s all ABBOTT: Little Joe"? COSTELLO: The clubhouse! ABBOTT: The Clubhouse. COSTELLO: At the boy Scouts. ABBOTT: Everything is as the clubhouse, eh? You learned an awful lot at the clubhouse, didn't you? COSTELLO: Yeah we learned how to jump over the walls. ABBOTT: Never mind the walls, COSTELLO: Learned how to start a fire, take two Indians and rub them together to make a fire. ABBOTT: I mean this game. Now pick up those dice. COSTELLO: Not until you say please.

9 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 9 of 11 ABBOTT: PICK EM UP! COSTELLO: Say please. ABBOTT: PICK EM UP! COSTELLO: Well, it s a good thing you didn t say it. ABBOTT: Now wait a minute. Just before you throw em out. Now four is your number. If you should roll a seven before you make that four, you lose.. Don't forget it. COSTELLO: Yes, ma am. ABBOTT: Yes what? COSTELLO: Yes SIR! ABBOTT: That s better. COSTELLO: You gotta be one of the other. ABBOTT: All right. Never mind. Now, go ahead, roll the dice out. Don t forget, seven, you lose. Four is your point. (SFX: Shaking dice) ABBOTT: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't choke those dice. Leave some air in there, let 'em breathe. (to himself, disgusted) Let 'em breathe! (muttering) You in the clubhouse. SHAKE 'EM UP! COSTELLO: Wheeee. ABBOTT: Three. COSTELLO: Three. ABBOTT: You lose. COSTELLO: How come? ABBOTT: Well, what did you roll the first time? COSTELLO: Four. ABBOTT: What did you just roll? COSTELLO: Three. ABBOTT: Four and three is what? COSTELLO: Seven. ABBOTT: So you lose. COSTELLO: Oh, you add 'em up. ABBOTT: Oh, you didn't learn that at the clubhouse. COSTELLO: You never said nuttin about addin 'em up, Smitty.

10 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 10 of 11 ABBOTT: All right, never mind COSTELLO: (sing-song) SMITTY S CHEATIN! SMITTY S CHEATIN! ABBOTT: Never mind. Now it's my turn. COSTELLO: You mean I got to use my money now? ABBOTT: Why, not? You ve used mine long enough. Come on, put it down. COSTELLO: OK. ABBOTT: Put it all down! COSTELLO: I put it all down! ABBOTT: Put it all down! COSTELLO: Can I count it? ABBOTT: Count it if you want. COSTELLO: Twenty dollar bill, ABBOTT: Twenty: COSTELLO: Twenty dollar bill, ABBOTT: Twenty: COSTELLO: A ten dollar bill, another twenty. ABBOTT: Yeah. What d you throw out there. COSTELLO: Somebody put a buck in here. ABBOTT: All right. We ll Go ahead. Here we go. Watch em. Here we are, Herbie. (SFX: Shaking dice and roll) ABBOTT: Hah! COSTELLO: Eleven! ABBOTT: Eleven, that s a winner. That s a natural. See, eleven is a winner. COSTELLO: No, no. Leave the money down. ABBOTT: Now wait a minute COSTELLO: LEAVE THE MONEY DOWN, SMITTY! ABBOTT: That s a natural, COSTELLO: That s eleven, isn t it? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: INTERMISSION. I ll give you another chance. You were good to me, I ll be good to you.

11 Abbott & Costello-shootin dice (Buck Privates)2 Page 11 of 11 ABBOTT: All right, all right. Here they go. ABBOTT: Here we go. (SFX: Rolling dice) ABBOTT: Six. COSTELLO: Six! ABBOTT: Six is the point. COSTELLO: Six. ABBOTT: Now all I have to do is make a six. COSTELLO: Six! You gotta make a six. ABBOTT: Come on, now. Here they go again. Watch em.. (SFX: Dice rolling) ABBOTT: There you are, six right back. I win. COSTELLO: Ah, ah, ah. Leave the money alone. ABBOTT: Wait a minute: COSTELLO: LEAVE THE MONEY ALONE! ABBOTT: Wait a minute, now don t touch the money. COSTELLO: You lose. ABBOTT: I don t lose.. COSTELLO: That was a six, you lose. ABBOTT: I... what do you. COSTELLO: What did you roll the first time? ABBOTT: Six. COSTELLO: And what did you just roll? ABBOTT: Six! COSTELLO: Six and six is twelve, correct? Craps. Box cars, Big Bennys, You lose. Ha, ha. Smitty lost! (sing-song) Nyah, nyah. (MUSIC)