by WALTER WYKES CHARACTERS WIFE HUSBAND SON DAUGHTER FIRST HUSBAND/DOG

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1 FAMILY 2.0 by WALTER WYKES CHARACTERS FIRST /DOG CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that Family 2.0 is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan- American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Inquiries concerning all rights should be addressed to the author at sandmaster@aol.com Copyright 2006 by Walter Wykes

2 FAMILY 2.0 [A perfect-looking house the kind you find in magazines. A perfect-looking puts the finishing touches on her perfectlooking living room. The front door opens and enters.] Hi, Honey! I m home! Who are you? What are you doing in my house?! I m your new husband. Where should I put my coat? [He tries to kiss, but she backs away from him terrified.] Don t touch me! I ll scream! I ll call the police! Aren t you going to ask how my day was? [Attempting to pacify him.] How how was your day? It was awful! Just like every other day! Same old boring job. Same old boring boss. Same old boring life. And then, on the way home, suddenly it hit to me why come home to the same old boring wife and house and kids and dog when I could try something new? But you can t just I ve always admired your home. It s very well kept. Thank you, but 2

3 FAMILY I pass it every day on my way to work, so I thought today I d give it a try. It has to be more exciting than the one I ve been coming home to for the past fifteen years. But I already have a husband. He can have my life. Where does he work? He s an executive. At a technology company. Perfect! I love technology! All those little gadgets and stuff! It ll be great! Look, I m I m sorry your life is so boring. My life is boring too. But you can t just walk in here and expect us to Oh! I almost forgot! I brought you flowers! [He produces a bouquet of flowers from his coat.] You brought me flowers? They re orchids a symbol of rare beauty and eternal love my love for you. My my husband hasn t brought me flowers in almost fifteen years. I wrote you a poem too. A poem? Would you like me to recite it?

4 WALTER WYKES 4 Well if you went to the trouble of writing it I I wouldn t want it to go to waste. You take my breath away. Like the sunset or a summer day. When I gaze at the moon Or the ocean blue They pale beside the sight of you. You take my breath away. That s beautiful. You you really wrote that? For you. [Pause. She considers this.] Do you pee in the shower? Never. Hog the sheets? Nope. Snore? I don t think so. Any history of baldness in your family? On the contrary. We re very hairy.

5 FAMILY Would you do your own laundry or wait for me to do it. Do it myself. Fix the toilet or call a plumber? Fix it. Shingle the roof or buy a new house? New house. Anniversary in Maui or Vegas? Maui. Watch football or do me in the kitchen? Do you really have to ask? Will you constantly try to pork me in the rear? Only if you want me to. Tell me about your first wife. She was a nag. A nag with no boobs. She had boobs until the baby was born, but he sucked them right off. I m a boob man, so it was completely unworkable.

6 WALTER WYKES 6 You left because she lost her boobs? There were other things. But I have to be honest it was mainly the boobs. What if I lose my boobs? Will you leave me too? It looks like you ve got plenty to spare! [They make out.] Can we have sex now? Easy, Tiger. You ll have to win the kids over first. Children! [Enter and.] Children, meet your new father. Hi, kids. You re not my father! You re a fake! An imposter! Do you like baseball? Sure. I ll take you to the Big Game. The Big Game?! No way! [He embraces.] I love you, Dad! What about me? I hate baseball.

7 FAMILY Do you like shopping? Duh. Here knock yourself out. [He hands her a hundred dollar bill.] A hundred dollar bill?! You re the greatest! [She kisses on the cheek.] Go play in your room, kids. Your father and I need some time alone. Sure thing, Mom. See ya later, Dad. [Exit kids.] [Seductively.] Now where were we? [They make out. Enter FIRST.] FIRST Hi, Honey! I m what s going on here?! What are you doing to my wife?! I m trying to pork her in the rear. I m calling the police! Wait! Give me your key. What? FIRST FIRST

8 WALTER WYKES 8 Your key. Hand it over. I don t understand. He s replacing you. Replacing me? FIRST FIRST That s right. He s in you re out. But why?! FIRST He brought me flowers! When s the last time you brought me flowers?! I FIRST Exactly. Now stop stuttering and hand over the key. FIRST But what about the kids?! You can t take the kids away from me! Kids! [Enter and.] You don t want me to go do you kids? He s taking me to the Big Game. I ll take you! Too late. You had your chance. But FIRST FIRST

9 FAMILY Sorry. It s nothing personal. The key. [Her hand outstretched.] FIRST But I don t want to go! Please, I ll I ll do anything! Just let me stay! I won t bother you! I ll stay out of the way! I ll I ll be another kid! Or the family dog! I ve always wanted a dog! Eww! He s gonna get hair everywhere! Please?! Can I keep him?! Can I?! I don t know. What do you think, Honey? He d be your responsibility, Son. We re not going to feed him for you, or take him for walks, or clean up his poop I ll take care of him! I promise! [To FIRST /DOG.] Come here, boy! Sit! Roll over! Play dead! Good boy! Can I go shopping now? If your father will drive you. FIRST /DOG

10 WALTER WYKES 10 Dad? Well your mother and I were sort of in the middle of something. But I want to go now! There s a sale! Okay, just give us Woof! I think the dog has to go. Son, take your dog outside. I can t. I have homework. [Exit.] Can I go shopping or not? FIRST /DOG FIRST /DOG FIRST /DOG Honey, could you take care of the dog? It s not my dog. You told him he could keep it.

11 FAMILY Woof! Do we have a leash? FIRST /DOG Is anybody listening to me? [Enter with baseball and glove.] Hey Dad, can we play ball? I thought you had homework. I just finished. Hello? [To.] Here take the dog outside. FIRST /DOG I have to poop. [Exit.] [To ] While you re out, can you take the trash? Woof! Ahh sure. FIRST /DOG

12 WALTER WYKES 12 I hate this family! And could you do something about your daughter? Woof! What do you want me to FIRST /DOG FIRST /DOG [To FIRST /DOG] Shut up, you stupid mutt! Grrr! FIRST /DOG [FIRST /DOG bites S pants and pulls him towards the door.] I think he really wants to go. What about me?! Does anybody care what I want?! [Enter.] The Big Game starts any minute! We have to go! [To ] When when we get back it would be really nice to have some quality alone time if you know what I mean. It ll have to wait, Dear. You have responsibilities now.

13 FAMILY Responsibilities?! This isn t what I signed up for! You re just like my first wife! WHAT did you say?!!! I Don t compare me to that flat-chested bitch! I didn t mean Do you see these tits?! Do you ever want to touch these tits again?! Yes! Yes, I do! That s what I FIRST /DOG We re gonna miss the game! We have to go NOW! I asked first! It s not fair! If I ever hear you even THINK her name again You can t just ignore me! You promised! I swear to God

14 WALTER WYKES 14 Woof! FIRST /DOG [As the cacophony rises, everyone converges on who climbs onto the couch to escape them. They surround him like a pack of rabid wolves.] Your balls will be so blue you ll be begging me to fuck you in the ass! Are you hearing me?! Are we clear on this?! It s gonna take a LOT of ass-kissing to make up for this little slip-up, Mister! Not only am I not like her, but she doesn t exist! She s a figment of your imagination! She s not even a figment! I am the first and only woman you ve ever loved, buddy, and you will grovel at my feet if you want any pudding from my kitchen! All I wanted to do was go to the Big Game! But now it s too late! I already told all of my friends we were going, and they re all going too, and now they re going to see that I m not really there and they re going to know what losers we are! I ll bet you didn t even buy tickets did you?! Liar! My other Dad would have taken me! I should have gone with him! I m never going to believe another word you say! You re a big fat ugly liar! Am I invisible? Am I not even here? What do I have to do to get some attention in this house?! Do I have to shoot somebody? Do I have to blow something up? Maybe I should get pregnant! I should find the first boy who wants to fuck me and just pull up my skirt! There are plenty of boys at school who d like to fuck me! Maybe they already have! Maybe I just haven t told you! Or maybe I have but you don t fucking listen! DOG I NEED A NEW LIFE!!! [Blackout.] * * *

NO LONGER THE FIRST 2010 Josh Danz

NO LONGER THE FIRST 2010 Josh Danz Free performance of this play for high school and college level competitive forensics is permitted. All other rights reserved. The Intriguing Interp Series is published