CLASS THREE: THE STAGES OF LOSS

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1 CLASS THREE: THE STAGES OF LOSS There are five stages of loss that individuals experience after a tragic event. The stages are not always sequential. A person who has suffered a loss will experience these stages at various times throughout the loss process. We have identified and defined all five stages below. Please read the definitions and circle the stage or stages that you are currently in. Stage One: Denial The first stage of loss is denial. This stage allows people to deal with the initial shock of the loss and ultimately to recover from it. Denial can initially lead them to feel like life is overwhelming, meaningless, makes no sense, and is not worth living. In this stage people are in shock, which leads to numbness. This period helps them regulate and filter their feelings in order to handle daily life. The reality of the loss sinks in as they ask questions and explore the parameters of what happened. Through this process, the denial starts to subside and the healing process begins. Stage Two: Anger The second stage of loss is anger which is vital to the healing process. People will feel like their anger is endless and oppressive during this period. In this stage, it's vital to explore the other emotions driving their anger. Most people find that underneath their anger is pain and fear. These emotions are derived from feeling deserted, abandoned, hurt, worried, and resentful. As a result, people ask many questions during this stage. Asking questions of friends, doctors, family members, counselors, and/or their faith allows the person to express their negative emotions and find relief. Stage Three: Bargaining This stage is mired with a maze of If only or What if statements. People want life to return to what it was before. Guilt and shame are byproducts of these types of statements, leading them to find fault with themselves and others. The other process in this stage is when the individual bargains with the pain. A person will do anything not to feel the pain and will remain in the past, trying to negotiate their way out of it. Eventually he or she is able to accept that things happen now and again for different reasons our choices, the choices of others, and occasionally random life events that no one can explain. He or she also has to come to conclusions that allow them to let go of the past, but not forget it entirely.

2 Stage Four: Depression Stage four is about moving squarely into the present. Focusing on the present leads to feelings of emptiness and grief at very deep levels. The individual has thoughts of his/her depression lasting forever "Why go on; it's hopeless; no one cares." Intense sadness can cause the individual to withdraw. The definition of depression can change because of this process. It can be perceived as unnatural, bad, a state that needs to be fixed, and/or something to snap out of. It is important to remember that depression is a normal human emotion that we all have at varying levels. The emotion itself is not bad, but high levels can create tremendous discomfort. Normalizing depression when loss occurs is an important variable for working through this stage. Stage Five: Acceptance Acceptance is not about being all right or OK with what has happened. This stage is about accepting the reality that loss has occurred and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. Acceptance begins when the individual learns to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on themselves. Acceptance is about having more good days than bad days. This stage is not about replacing what has been lost or denying our feelings. It is about making new connections, having new meaningful relationships, listening to needs, and evolving. It is important to remember that grief is a process that is individualized and there is no universal timetable. Patience and hard work are required to work through this stage. EXERCISE 6#: COPING WITH SITUATIONAL LOSSES: DEATH, DIVORCE, BREAKUPS, AND JOBS. This exercise will help you define what stage of loss you are in and how to cope with that stage. We will use a five-stage process to attack situational depression triggers. Step One: Define the situation What is currently driving your situational depression? Is it a death, divorce, job loss, or breakup? Describe the situation below.

3 Step Two: Define your thoughts about the situation What are some frequent thoughts you have about the situation? How are these thoughts interfering with your abilities to deal and cope with the situation? What is the first step you have to take to manage these interfering thoughts? What are the barriers that will interfere with you taking this first step to managing your thoughts long term? What are three things you can do to manage the barriers long term?

4 Step Three: Define how you feel about the situation What were you feeling during the situation? What are you currently feeling? How have your feelings changed from the beginning to now? What is the most difficult or painful thing about having these feelings? How are these feelings interfering with your abilities to deal and cope with the situation?

5 What is the first step you have to take to manage these interfering feelings? What are the barriers that will interfere with you taking this first step to managing your feelings long term? What are three things you can do to manage the barriers long term? Step Four: Behaviorally coping with situational loss How do you behaviorally cope when you think and feel the above? Do you isolate yourself? Do you drink or use drugs? Do you stuff your feelings and thoughts? Do you criticize yourself? Others:

6 How are these behaviors interfering with your abilities to deal and cope with the situation? What is the first step you have to take to manage these interfering behaviors? What are the barriers that will interfere with you taking this first step to managing your behaviors long term? What are three things you can do to manage the barriers long term?