How can I help my child following a traumatic experience? An information booklet for parents and carers
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1 How can I help my child following a traumatic experience? An information booklet for parents and carers
2 When your child has suffered a loss, it is sometimes difficult to know what to do. There are often more questions than obvious answers Should I encourage her to talk if it upsets her? Should I let him go to the funeral? He s gone into his shell should I leave him alone? Should she see a counsellor? Most children and young people affected by a death just need adults who care about them. You cannot take away their sadness but you can acknowledge it and support them through the experience. Children and young people s reactions will depend upon how close they were to the person who died, their personality, the way they cope with stress and the availability of support. Hearing about any death can make a child anxious. How adults express their emotions will influence the reactions of children and young people 2
3 Common reactions to trauma include: Shock/disbelief Fear Guilt Grief Confusion Shame Anger Most children and young people just need adults who care about them and can support them through the experience These reactions are closely linked, can be difficult to separate and may not happen in any particular order. You may notice some of the following which are all common as long as they do not go on for too long. Change in behaviour, unnaturally quiet and withdrawn or unusually aggressive. Disturbed sleep and bad dreams. Anxiety demonstrated by clinging behaviour and reluctance to be separated from parents or carers. Being easily upset by events that would normally be trivial. Difficulty concentrating, being forgetful. School work may suffer. Older children may feel there is no purpose to their lives. Physical complaints such as headache, tummy ache or being generally run down. The following suggestions may help you to be more confident in choosing a course of action. There are however no right answers for all situations, and if you remain unsure, you may find it helpful to talk to someone in order to clarify what to do. This may be your child s head teacher or a member of staff in the first place. They may put you in touch with a support service outside the school, provide you with more information or reassure you about your son or daughter s reaction. 3
4 Some suggestions for parents When the facts are know ensure the child/young person is told as soon as possible. Whenever possible the information should be told by someone close to them, in familiar surroundings. It is important to tell the truth to prevent rumour and fantasy which may build up. Allow time and plenty of opportunity for questions. Understand that there are normal reations that you both will experience. Encourage your child to talk and express feelings. Share your own reactions, cry together, don t hide your emotions. Physical contact is very reassuring, hugs are important, reading books, talking, listening. Teenagers may repress grief. This is an inappropriate coping strategy and it is important that parents and other adults give them the opportunity and support to grieve. Talk positively about the deceased person and in particular, about events involving him/her. Be tolerant of changes in behaviour and emotion. 4
5 More suggestions for parents The funeral service can be an enormous help in the grieving process. Young people need to know what a funeral involves and be allowed to make their own choice about attending. A personal tribute from the young person can be helpful when someone close to them has died. They may want to send a card, flowers, write a story, a poem or a letter and should be encouraged to do so. Allow time. Coming to terms with trauma and grief is a process, a working through of feelings to an acceptance of what has happened. Everyone is different and needs to go at their own pace. Share your feelings with family and friends; try to help them to help you. Anniversaries of the event will be difficult. Intense emotions felt in the early days may well flood back. Encourage your child, in the long term, to focus on the future and on living. Although traumatic events are never forgotten, it is possible that from death we can all learn to value how precious our lives and relationships are both in our families and our communities. Do seek professional help if you are worried. Keep in contact with school. 5
6 Try to maintain feeling of security, of being cared for, of being loved. Maintain all the necessary practical care. The overall message is Be honest at your child s level of understanding Continue to talk and communicate Do not pretend to believe what you don t believe Try to understand your child s feelings and reassure them where possible Don t be afraid to say I don t know Share your own feelings Remember there are others who can help Be prepared to share with family and friends, or people at work, if you feel overwhelmed and it seems hard to cope 6
7 Who is available to help? Friends and family members Staff from your child s school Religious groups (your own, school s, any other) Children & Young People s Service (educational psychologist or specialist teacher) General Practitioner CHILD, ADOLESCENT AND MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES (CAMHS) (CAMHS) Clarendon House 8 Notre Dame Mews 8-10 Station Road NORTHAMPTON KETTERING NN1 2BG Northants Tel: NN15 6EY Tel:
8 Youth Counselling Services CORBY DAVENTRY Green Door Time to talk Connaughty Centre 1 North Street CORBY DAVENTRY Tel: Tel: KETTERING NORTHAMPTON Kettering Youth Information The Lowdown William Knibb Centre 3 Kingwell Street KETTERING NORTHAMPTON Tel: Tel: WELLINGBOROUGH Service Six 26 Rock Streety WELLINGBOROUGH Tel:
9 For further advice contact your area Children and Families Service within Northamptonshire CORBY & KETTERING NORTHAMPTON William Knibb Centre Springfield Montague Street Cliftonville KETTERING NORTHAMPTON NN16 8AE NN1 5BE Tel: Tel: DAVENTRY & SOUTH WEST WELLINGBOROUGH & Administration Building NORTH EAST St John s Centre Fairlawn Centre TIFFIELD Spring Gardens Northants WELLINGBOROUGH NN12 8AA NN8 2AA Tel: TEL:
10 National Couselling Services CRUSE - Bereavement care Samaritans CRUSE House Northampton 126 Sheen Road Tel: RICHMOND Surry Kettering TW9 1UR Tel: Tel: Peterborough Tel: Compassionate Friends 53 North Street BRISTOL Child Bereavement Charity BS3 1EN Tel: Tel: Childline Winston s Wish Tel: Tel:
11 11
12 This information can be made available in other languages and formats upon request including Braille, audio cassette and floppy disk. Contact Produced January 2009 RD9343/1/09
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