Coping with challenging times in the Christmas/New Year period

Transcription

1 FAMILY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT PROGRAMME Social Work Department NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2015 Welcome to the December newsletter of the Family Bereavement Group Program. This month the Parents Bereavement Group explored the topic of Coping with challenging times in the Christmas/New Year period. Each year this group acknowledges the challenge of getting through Christmas and the New Year period when your family is no longer complete. In this group we talked about some things that can help in this journey. Coping with challenging times in the Christmas/New Year period In keeping with our usual format, the group began with parents introducing themselves and speaking a little about their child and their particular coming for some years. This dynamic encouraged discussion around support. Taking about Christmas one parent commented that Leading up circumstances. t o C h r i s t m a s We had a mix of p i c t u r e s a r e newly bereaved going to be parents and parents who have been different. They have decided 1

2 not to do Christmas cards this year and e v e r y o n e c a n g e t stuffed. Another parent said: I find it hard setting up the Christmas tree. Last year got it up and could not make it easier. One parent who lost their child 7 years ago said that Christmas got easier over 7 years. One way this became easier was by incorporating a ritual they started decorate it. This year not even soon after their son died. They putting it up. incorporated his favourite colour A newly bereaved parent said that purple to decorate the tree. They she wants to ignore Christmas. Another parent who has had a couple of Christmas s without her son said that with time it gets easier. They find that his birthday is a celebration for us. Generally it s ok on Christmas day. We have a few rituals to also saved a chair for him and prepared a poem to be said. Another parent said that they attend a children s services at church and light a candle in the place where his funeral was. Parents talked about their other children and one parent said We would not do Christmas if not for our other son. One parent talked about going to the cemetery at Christmas. Her other son asked How will he know it is Christmas?...We don t go as often but our other son usually reminds us. 2

3 We donate a present to one of the charity Christmas trees need to buy one for our son. Our other son reminds us to do this. One parent talked about their other child and has noticed that every now and then he is having a down day. There is only three of us now we have a family hug. One parent said that they write their son s name on Christmas Cards. We have a candle on the table at lunchtime. Now his grandma has passed away so it is for both of them. A newly bereaved parent talked about the rawness of only losing their child this year and wanting to protect themselves. This includes not going to their family this year and she said I don t care. Another newly bereaved parent said that he can t wait for this year to end. Some parents agreed with not liking the New Year and they don t look forward to Christmas. One parent said that the new year makes you look back to the year that he was here. People express their grief differently and it changes over time. People talked about how it can be difficult to manage family and friends emotions when they are not supportive. There was a discussion about not feeling bad about comments made to family. Comments made by family and friends included you should be back to normal by now, a comment was made that parents feel that I have a light on my 3

4 to us about our son. It s not because you made us sad, we are already sad. Some analogies that often come up in this group were raised about how it feels to lose a child. One parents head I ve lost my child, don t come near me. Some advice from one parent was If you want them in your life you will need to tell them what you want. This parent wrote an to a family member and this helped. Being upfront with people really helps. Generally people don t know what to say so I tell them what to say. A parent said everywhere I go I have to educate everyone else. It was agreed and commented that said it s like a massive rollercoaster ride look back over past six months can t tell what s going to happen. And another parent said that it s like a frozen river some parts you may fall in. Expressing grief is important, allowing yourself to take the time to r e m e m b e r y o u r c h i l d was discussed. One parent said I cry hanging out the laundry. I cry doing the dishes looking out the window. sometimes you don t have any Another parent who lost her child a energy to spend on anyone else. few years ago suggested take Being direct worked for us. Our child was the big elephant in the room. We want you to talk time for yourself. One year she took myself off to a hotel, cried, drank wine, spent time by 4

5 myself. This month s discussion was another rich sharing between group participants who were honest and generous. The importance of being able to express your feelings with family and friends was discussed in this group as this can cause much stress at this time of year. Some useful suggestions to take care of yourself were discussed As ever, thanks to the group participants for attending and sharing their experiences. We encourage you to take care of yourself at this time of year. It is important that you don't forget your general health and wellbeing as this will determine how well you will cope with grief and Christmas stress. You need to get plenty of sleep, exercise regularly and avoid over-indulging in food or alcohol. including: crying, or writing down your thoughts, you may also visit a place which you used to frequent with your loved one or go somewhere where you can get things off your chest. Sometimes talking to someone you trust such as a friend, a colleague or a relative is important, but only do so when you feel ready. Talking together and sharing memories with them may help you deal with your loss. 5

6 Straight from the Heart Thank you to Bernadette Houghton for her contribution. Brotherly bond The bond between two brothers is a special bond, in fact; Especially when one is Bren, the other one is Pat. That bond stays strong and solid, through even the loudest spat; Unwavering, it withstands yells and barbs and tits for tat. But yelling and squabbles are seldom, tits for tat are too. That bond is never challenged, it stays solid through and through. The bond was forged so long ago, before the brothers met, When young Pat would ask, hands on mum's tum, "Is it ready yet"? Young Pat, he loved his brother, would do anything for him; Fetch and carry, play or read, to meet Brennan's slightest whim. Young Bren held such trust in Pat, with a love that shined so bright; That bond between the two of them was such a touching sight. A shy young boy was Brennan, too shy to talk to others; But Pat understood him through the wordless bond of brothers. Secret codes and inside jokes that no one else would get; Star Wars battles and Simpsons puns, from sunup to sunset. That bond between those brothers will not fade as time goes by; It is too strong, the love too deep; on this you can rely. Like the stars that shimmer, the waves that ripple on the shore, The bond between those brothers will be there forevermore. 6

7 Straight from the Heart Thank you to Grace Rivas for her poem to her daughter Kylie. Kylie, The day you were born, I had a feeling I had known you forever... Your big soulful eyes had an immense depth and expressed so much love... and as you grew up I remember you dancing and singing and filling the moments with laughter, joy and vibrant energy just like a bubbly butterfly. Kylie, your kindness, compassion and caring nature was a gift to everyone around you with your presence, acceptance and generous heart, you made everyone to feel special. You accomplish so much in such short time because you had the gift of love, you touched our hearts and souls and taught us acceptance, surrender and unconditional love... The 28th of November you could have been celebrating your 17th birthday... I can only try imagining you organizing your birthday with the energy and enthusiasm that characterized you. I know your beautiful spirit is on a journey, blessing everyone around you with immense love. I love you for eternity, my angel Kylie from mum. Photo by Grace Rivas 7

8 Our letter box is Waiting! Contributions such as responses and reflections on the groups themes, poems, letters, songs, quotations from parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters and friends, feedback about this newsletter are most welcome. Share your thoughts, experiences, questions with others who are bereaved. Please forward them to: Family Bereavement Support Programme Social Work Department Royal Children s Hospital 50 Flemington Road PARKVILLE VIC 3052 Phone: Or bereavement.services@rch.org.au *If you would like to receive the newsletter by please send us your details to the provided address.* The next meeting of the Family Bereavement Support Evening Group will be held on: Thursday 18 th February 2016 (No group in January) 7:30 pm 9:00 pm Please note new venue: The RCH Foundation Board Room Level 2, 48 Flemington Road Parkville VIC (Next to the RCH) Please join us to discuss the topic: The challenges moving forward Please join us in February The newsletter is always a team effort. Thank you to Angela Richards for facilitating and guiding the group discussion and Laurelle Stalker for scribing parents statements. Also to the administration team & to Jenny Jelic for ensuring the Newsletter is formatted and distributed to interested people. Social Work Department, RCH 8