jealousy ain t love A Teen Relationship Booklet

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1 jealousy ain t love A Teen Relationship Booklet

2 M i s s i o n S t a t e m e n t The mission of Catalyst is to prevent and reduce the incidence of domestic violence in Butte County by intervening in the cycle of violence through crisis intervention services and community education. Catalyst offers a free teen dating violence prevention program, Jealousy Ain t Love, to all Butte County high school classes as well as trainings for teachers and youth service providers. Trainings and presentations can also be tailored for other ages and groups. For more information, or to schedule a presentation, please call

3 table of contents Teen Dating Abuse 1 Quick Quiz 2 Types of Abuse 3 LGBTQ Youth Information 5 Technology & Abuse 6 Abusive Relationship Cycle 7 Healthy Relationship Cycle 8 Building Healthy Relationships 9 Fair Fight Rules 11 How To Support a Friend 12 Safety Planning 13 Local Resources 15 Notes 16

4 Teen Dating Abuse Myths and Facts Everyone deserves to be in a safe and healthy relationship. Teen dating abuse can happen to anyone and anywhere. Myth: Some victims of teen dating abuse provoke their partners by making them jealous, acting mean, or teasing them into thinking they want to have sex. Fact: Dating abuse is NEVER the victim s fault. Myth: Teens experiencing dating abuse usually tell a trusted adult. Fact: Teens usually tell no one. Studies show that less than 33% of teens tell anyone what is happening (loveisrespect.org). Myth: Teen dating abuse is just arguing. It's not dangerous like domestic violence in adult relationships. Fact: Teen dating violence is just as dangerous and can be lethal. Myth: Teen dating abuse only occurs between boys and girls and girls are always the victims. Fact: Girls or boys can be the victims or the abusers. Teen dating violence occurs between lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and straight youth at the same rates. 1 Myth: Some teens like to be abused and that's why they stay in the relationships. Fact: No one likes to be controlled or abused! There are many reasons youth stay in abusive relationships including having a boyfriend or girlfriend is very important, fear of being alone, fear of being outed, wanting to be loved and needed, believing the abuser's apologies and promises to never do it again, and lack of support and resources.

5 Abuse is NOT part of a normal relationship, even if it doesn t happen every day. quick quiz DO YOU: Shove, slap or hit your boyfriend/girlfriend for any reason? Throw things at your boyfriend/girlfriend or destroy their property to make a point? Get jealous or angry when they spend time with friends or family? Guilt or force them into making out or having sex? Feel like you have the right to put your boyfriend/girlfriend in their place by using verbal, emotional or physical abuse when they upset you? Text or call them excessively and get upset when they don t respond? DOES YOUR boyfriend/girlfriend: Embarrass you with bad names and putdowns? Blame you for the hurtful things they say and do? Try to force you to have sex before you re ready? Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go? Act extremely jealous or possessive? Threaten to out you? Text or IM you excessively? Shove, slap or hit you? Criticize or put down your gender or sexual identity? If you answered even one of these questions with a yes you might be in an abusive relationship. The Information in this book can help you define what an abusive relationship consists of and provide resources for more information. For immediate assistance call Catalyst at

6 Teen Dating Abuse is... Women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rates of physical dating violence. A pattern of abusive behaviors that are used to gain power and control over a current or former boyfriend/girlfriend. The abusive person may use many different abusive actions and behaviors such as threats of or actual use of verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse to control the victim. When the abuse is physical or sexual, it may be easier to recognize. Emotional abuse is much harder to recognize but no less damaging. Relationship violence often starts as emotional or verbal abuse and can quickly escalate into physical or sexual violence. Abuse can happen in any relationship regardless of age, race, ethnicity, religion, socio-economic status, gender or sexual identity. 3 Emotional/verbal Abuse : anything that your partner says or does that causes you to be afraid, lowers your selfesteem, or manipulates or controls your feelings or behavior. It includes: Name-calling and put-downs Yelling and screaming Intentionally embarrassing you in front of other people Keeping you from seeing or talking with friends and family Telling you what to do Using online communities or cell phones to control, intimidate, or humiliate you Making you feel responsible for the abuse Stalking Threatening to commit suicide in order to manipulate you Threats of violence and harm to you or people you care about Threatening to out your sexual orientation or gender identity Going through your cell phone, , or social networking accounts Isolation/Exclusion: controlling what you do, who you see, who you talk to, where you go, limiting outside involvement, limiting contact with family and friends, using their jealousy to justify actions, possessive of your time and telling you that no one else would want to be your partner.

7 Threats/Intimidation: making threats to harm, intimidating with looks and actions, threaten to leave, commit suicide, report you to the police, destroying property, punching walls, making you do illegal things, displaying weapons, throwing things, threatening to hurt family, friends, children and pets, and reckless driving. Physical Abuse buse: any intentional, unwanted contact with your body by either your partner or an object within their control. Physical abuse does not have to leave a mark or bruise. It doesn t even need to hurt. It includes: Scratching or Biting Punching Grabbing Kicking Forcing you to use drugs and/or alcohol Sexual Abuse : is any sexual behavior that is unwanted, interferes with your right to say no to sexual advances, or causes pain, embarrassment or humiliation during intimacy. It includes: Rape Unwanted kissing or touching Not letting you use birth control or protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity Strangling Pushing Using a weapon Slapping Holding you down Forcing or pressuring you to go further than you want (even if you ve had sex before) Intimate acts that cause humiliation or embarrassment Unwanted or pressure to engage in sexting 1/3 of teens experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships, including verbal and emotional abuse. 1 in 5 teens who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner. 4

8 Dating partners should always be equals! Catalyst is a safe space and celebrates everyone s right to self-identify. LG BTQ Youth & Teen Dating Abuse Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ+) youth often experience dating and relationship abuse in much the same ways as heterosexual youth. However, lack of social support for their relationships is an added stress for LGBTQ+ youth. They can face unique obstacles in identifying abuse and seeking help. Shame or Embarrassment If you are ashamed about sexuality or gender identity, your abusive partner may use this to manipulate you. Fear of not Being Believed or Taken Seriously It is common to encounter stereotypes like: violence between same-sex partners is always mutual or LGBTQ+ relationships are naturally unhealthy. Also, LGBTQ+ communities often deny that domestic violence is a community problem. Your partner may try to convince you that no one will take an LGBTQ+ victim seriously. You don t have to be out to get help from Catalyst. Our services are always free and confidential. 5 Fear of Harassment, Rejection or Bullying If you are not yet out to everyone, your abusive dating partner may threaten to tell family, classmates, employer, and others to isolate you and keep you in the relationship. Coming Out to Service Providers When seeking services, you may have to out yourself to report the abuse. Sometimes LGBTQ+ youth are afraid they may not get support if they tell someone about their sexual or gender identity. This makes it more difficult for LGBTQ+ youth to ask for help. Our LGBTQ+ program can help you access support services that are sensitive to your needs and concerns. If you need to talk or would like more information about the LGBTQ+ program, call Check out our Facebook page:

9 Technology & Abuse If you are feeling threatened or suffocated by your partner s constant need to keep track of you, it may a sign that you are in an unhealthy and potentially dangerous relationship. Here are some specific tips that can help you safely use your cell: If you are in or coming out of a dangerous relationship, you should not be using any form of technology to contact your abusive partner. It can be dangerous and may be used against you in the future. Remember, it is always okay to turn off your phone. (Just be sure your parent or guardian knows how to contact you in an emergency.) Do not answer calls from unknown numbers. Your abusive partner can easily call you from another line if he/she suspects you are avoiding him/her. Do not respond to hostile, harassing, abusive or inappropriate texts or messages. Responding may encourage the person who sent the message. You won t get the person to stop and your messages might get you in trouble and make it harder to get a restraining order or file a criminal report. Many phone companies can block up to ten numbers from texting or calling you. Contact your phone company or check their website to see if you can do this on your phone. Remember that pictures on cell phones can be easily shared and distributed. Be careful what images you allow to be taken of you. It may seem extreme, but if the abuse and harassment will not stop, changing your phone number may be your best option. be Adapted from: loveisrespect.org Cell phones are a great way to keep in touch with friends and family. However, they also can play a role in teen dating abuse. If the person you are with says or does anything that makes you afraid, lowers your self-esteem, or manipulates or controls you, it is verbal or emotional abuse. 6

10 abusive relationship cycle Things to remember: Over time the honeymoon phase goes away. You could go through this cycle 100 times or just once before it becomes physically abusive. The abusive partner has control over this cycle, but they make the victim think that they do. The abuse phase will always become more severe and overtime will happen more frequently. 7 If you hadn t, I wouldn t have. The abuser does not take personal responsibility for their actions, but instead blames the abuse on their partner. 3 Abuse Phase: Violence in any form: Physical Verbal Emotional/Mental Sexual Jealousy Intimidation Threats Isolation 1 Honeymoon Phase: Intense feelings of love. Show your perfect self. Abuser apologizes and expresses remorse after the abuse and promises it will never happen again. The victim feels this time it will never happen again. Power & control 2 Tension Phase: Gradual build up of stress. Blaming and criticizing. Unjust accusations. Obsessive jealousy, put downs, and the victim walks on eggshells because they are afraid of what might happen next.

11 healthy relationship cycle With the apology comes an I statement, and both people take responsibility for their part in the argument. 3 Argument Phase: Expression of feelings. Argument using the Fair Fight Rules. Communication, caring, and compromise. There is NO use of any form of abuse. Equality 1 Honeymoon Phase: Intense feelings of love. Communication, support, respect, closeness, friendship, commitment, trust. 2 Tension Phase: Gradual buildup of stress from: work, school, money, family, jobs, friends, relationships. You can feel the tension, but there is NO FEAR Things to remember: Both people in the relationship drive this cycle. The Honeymoon Phase never goes away. Both people take personal responsibility for their feelings and for their actions. 8

12 communiction relationships Building healthy relationships honesty trust Everyone has a right to a safe and healthy relationship one that is based on mutual honesty, trust, respect and open communication. Remember that a relationship consists of two people; both should always feel like an equal in the relationship and feel free to speak their mind. Disagreements are normal in a relationship, but how you choose to resolve your disagreements is what really counts. At the end of the day you should feel happy and safe in your relationship. Build each other s confidence: Tell your partner all the reasons you care about them! Compliment your partner on things they do well and be supportive of their achievements. LOVE Encourage each other: Encourage each other to participate in activities that each person is interested in; show up to each other s activities and events and offer encouragement. 9

13 equality Honesty and trust: Be a reliable partner; be open and honest about your feelings. Trust that your partner is choosing to be with you and talk about each person s insecurities. Do not make assumptions! Support: Listen to each other without being judgmental, support each partner s goals and decisions, provide emotional support for each other. Respect: Respect each partner s rights to their own feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Respect each partner s right to an individual identity, and personal space. Friendship support R E S P E C T fun You can fill in the empty circles with things you expect to have in a healthy relationship! 10

14 fair fight rules Don t be overwhelmed. Even though there are a lot of rules start by picking out two, and when you have mastered those move on to two more. These fair fight rules will work with partners, friends, family, and parents, but you have to both agree to use them. 11 Arguing is a normal, healthy part of any relationship. Every relationship will have good times, tense times and arguments. It is HOW we argue and how we move forward that shows whether it is a healthy or unhealthy fight. The following tools will allow you to fight fair. Identify the problem only deal with one problem at a time and don t bring up the past. Focus on the problem not the person, be willing to solve the problem. Take personal responsibility be responsible for your actions in the fight. Use I statements try not to use you statements. I feel this way because this happened. NO FOULS no blaming, put-downs, shouting, name-calling, swearing, cutting in, sarcasm, or unkind tone of voice. Don t hold grudges if you are not happy with the results, be honest and bring it up again. Don t be stubborn be willing to be wrong and to reach a middle ground. Try to see your partner s point of view. Pay attention to timing bring it up when you and your partner have time to talk about it. Take a break if the argument is heating up, take a break to cool down, but make sure to name a time to talk about it again. LISTEN take to heart what your partner is saying instead of planning what you are going to say next. Try not to get defensive or attack speak and act like you mean it while trying to talk about the problem, without attacking or running away from your partner. Adapted from In Touch With Teens LACAAW

15 How to Support a friend It is often difficult for someone in an abusive relationship to leave or end their relationship. It is also difficult to know what you can do to help someone you care about who is being abused. As much as you want to do everything you can to protect your friend, remember that the decision to end an abusive relationship or not can only be made by the person experiencing the abuse. Here are several ways you can help someone: Don t be afraid to reach out to someone who you think needs help. Tell them you are concerned for their safety and want to help. Be supportive and listen patiently. Acknowledge their feelings about their relationship. Help them recognize that the abuse is not normal and is not their fault. Everyone deserves a healthy non-violent relationship. Focus on your friend or family member, not on the abusive person. Even if your loved one stays with their abusive partner, it is important that they still feel comfortable talking to you about it. Be respectful of your friend or family members decisions about the relationship. Connect them to resources in their community that can give them information and guidance. Help them develop a safety plan to end their relationship safely. If they break up with their abusive partner, continue to be supportive of them after the relationship is over. Remember that if someone isn t out to support their choice. Even when you feel like there s nothing you can do, don t forget that by being there and by being supportive and caring you are already doing a lot. Adapted from: loveisrespect.org Go to the Catalyst homepage to view safety planning and create an individualized plan. Never make assumptions! Do not blame the victim. 12

16 Safety Planning I will spend time with people who make me feel safe, supported and good about myself. I understand that the abuse is not my fault. I understand it is not my fault if my abusive partner has consequences and/or a damaged reputation because I need help being safe. 13 WHY DO I NEED A SAFETY PLAN? Everyone deserves a relationship that is healthy, safe and supportive. If you are in a relationship that is hurting you, it is important for you to know that the abuse is not your fault. It is also important for you to start thinking of ways to keep yourself safe from the abuse, whether you decide to end the relationship or not. While you can t control your partner s abusive behavior, you can take action to keep yourself as safe as possible. Staying Safe at School: The safest way for me to get to and from school is: _. If I need to leave school in an emergency, I can get home safely by:_. I can make sure that a friend can walk with me between classes. I will ask:_ and/or I will eat lunch and spend free periods in an area where there are school staff or faculty nearby. These are some areas on campus where I feel safe:_. I could talk to the following people at school if I need to rearrange my schedule in order to avoid my abuser, or if I need help staying safe at school: school counselor, coach, teachers, principal, vice principal, or school security. I can also ask my local domestic violence agency to advocate on my behalf with my school. During an emergency, I could call the following friends or family members at any time of day or night: Name: Phone #: Name: Phone #: Name: Phone #:.

17 These are things I can do to help keep myself safe everyday: I will carry my cell phone and important telephone numbers with me at all times. I will keep in touch with someone I trust about where I am or what I am doing. I will try to have friends with me when I have to be in places where my abusive partner or his/her friends and family are likely to be. I will keep the doors and windows locked when I am at home, especially if I am alone. I will avoid speaking to my abuser. If it is unavoidable, I will make sure there are people around in case the situation becomes dangerous. I will call 911 if I feel my safety is at risk. I can look into getting a restraining order so that I ll have legal support in keeping my abusive partner away. I will remember that the abuse is not my fault and that I deserve a safe and healthy relationship. These are things I can do to stay safe online and with my cell phone: I will not say or do anything online that I wouldn t in person. I can set all my online profiles to be as private as they can be. I will save and keep track of any abusive, threatening or harassing comments, posts, or texts. I can keep my passwords (Facebook, ) secret from anyone other than my parent or guardians. If the abuse and harassment does not stop, I can change my usernames, addresses, and/or cell phone number. I can ignore calls from unknown, blocked or private numbers. I can see if my phone company can block my abusive partner s phone number from calling my phone. I will not communicate with my abusive partner using any type of technology if unnecessary, since any form of communication can be recorded and possibly used against me in the future. Adapted from loveisrespect.org I understand that no matter what safety planning I am able to do I do not deserve to be abused and my actions are not the cause of the abuse. I understand that I have the right to feel safe at home and at school. I understand that it is not my responsibility to make sure my abusive partner is getting help or support. 14

18 local resources Catalyst Domestic Violence Services Catalyst provides a 24-hour hotline for any victim of domestic violence. You can call it at anytime and talk to someone who can help. Chico Drop In Center 330 Wall St, Suit 50 open Mon-Fri Hour Hotline: th Street Center for Youth Services are open to homeless and runaway youth between 14 and 25 years old. 6th Street Drop In Center 130 W 6th St open Mon-Fri Homeless Emergency Runaway Effort (H.E.R.E.) Servies are for youth from 7 years old and up and their families Northern Valley Catholic Social Services Services for youth and families Rape Crisis 24 hr. crisis line Services for any victim of rape or sexual assault. (collect calls accepted) Stonewall Alliance Services and referrals for LGBTQ+ community Butte County Health Department Teen Services Butte Co /

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