Ending an Abusive Relationship
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1 Ending an Abusive Relationship Overview Safety precautions, steps to take, and where to find help when ending an abusive relationship. Making a safety plan Safety precautions at home Safety precautions at work Where to find help Domestic abuse occurs when an individual is physically or emotionally abused. One person in an intimate relationship tries to dominate and control the other person. Partners may be married or living together, separated, dating, heterosexual, lesbian, or gay. Victims of domestic abuse can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment, or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Domestic abuse often leads to domestic violence. Children are also victims of domestic abuse. They may be abused or neglected and may experience emotional and behavioral problems. If you are the victim of domestic abuse, perhaps you have contemplated leaving the abusive relationship. You may have thought about leaving for months or years. You probably have questions about how to leave, when to leave, and how to best protect yourself and your children from harm. Leaving an abusive relationship is scary and hard, and it is not something you can do alone. It s possible you have left before but have then gone back. This doesn t make you weak. It is still OK to feel that things are not right and that you need a safe place to be. When leaving an abusive relationship, you will need the help of friends, relatives, co-workers, and professionals you trust. With the support of others, you can build a life for yourself and your family that is healthy and safe. Eventually you will also come to feel better about yourself for taking this step in your life. Making a safety plan The risk of danger often increases when a victim decides to leave the abusive relationship. The abuser may become suspicious and angry, and there may be an increase in threatening behaviors. It s important to develop a plan that ensures safety for you and your children. Without a safety plan, leaving can sometimes be more dangerous than staying in the relationship. The most important step you can take during this time is to have a safety plan in place before you leave so that you and your children, as well as other family members, are safe. If the abuser has
2 2 Ending an Abusive Relationship isolated you from friends and family, it is always helpful to enlist the help of community service providers and support from domestic-violence shelters. The more help and support you have from others -- from relatives, friends, police, support groups, shelters, your employer, co-workers, and your health care provider -- the safer you will be. Here are eight safety steps to follow. 1. Plan and develop strategies, and decide ahead of time when you will leave or what to do in case you need to leave on short notice. - Keep car keys and public-transportation fare in your pocket or purse so that you are able to leave quickly. - If you don t have a credit card in your own name, save money and have a secret fund of cash that you can use when you leave. - Gather important documents and keep these in a safe place, preferably away from where you live. These may include birth certificates, health insurance cards, Social Security cards, checkbook, bank records, important phone numbers and addresses, passports, and your driver s license. If you can t take original documents, then make copies of your documents and those of your children. Consider renting a safe-deposit box or post office box, or get a personal lockbox to keep elsewhere. - Get the phone number of the nearest abuse shelter. If the abuser often goes through your purse, cell phone memory, or computer, list the phone number under a name that the abuser would not question or call. - If possible, keep a change of clothing for yourself and your children; other personal-care items, including medication for you and your children; and an extra set of car keys at a friend s or relative s home or at work. 2. Talk with trusted friends and relatives about your situation. Enlist a small group to help, and then establish a code word or signal so others know when to call for help. This may include family members, friends, neighbors, teachers, co-workers, clergy, or others. Tell people where you are going and when you plan to be back. Avoid being without another adult or alone with your children. 3. Go over safety plans with your children. - Identify a safe place for them: a room with a lock or a neighbor s home where they can go. Practice using your escape plan with them, and go over your safety plan often. Use discretion and age-appropriate language to talk with your children about the reasons for the safety plan. They may feel loyalties divided in their relationship with the abuser. - Teach your children how to call 911 if they need help. Teach them how to make a collect call. If possible, keep a charged cell phone for this purpose in a
3 3 Ending an Abusive Relationship place you can reach easily. Some domestic-abuse programs provide refurbished cell phones to victims of domestic abuse for this purpose. Check with the domestic-abuse program in your area to see if they can give you a cell phone if you are unable to obtain one on your own. 4. Check entrances of your home each day when you return to see if anyone has tried to break in. If you do not feel safe entering, do not go inside. Go to a safe place and call the police at once. Do not allow your children to come home alone after school if you feel there is any danger. With the help of friends or family, arrange for a place where they can go after school until any danger has resolved. 5. Get a protective (restraining) order from court to keep the abuser from returning home, entering your place of work, or having contact with your children. A restraining order can usually be extended to child care centers or providers. Make sure that child care providers have a copy of any legal documents. Review the safety of your child care arrangements. Remember that an order of protection will not prevent the abuser from returning home or entering your workplace, but it does make it illegal for the person to do so. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at SAFE ( ) or a local abuse shelter to learn what steps to take to get a protective order. 6. Let your doctor and your children s doctor know if the abuser is no longer allowed to have access to medical information. A restraining order may make it legal to withhold information about your child s medical care, but check with your attorney. This can prevent the abuser from finding out when your child s next checkup is and meeting you there. 7. Use community services. Here are some steps to take. - Locate a domestic-abuse hotline in your area. Domestic-abuse hotlines can help you find a safe place to go, such as a shelter for battered women. Try not to stay with relatives or friends your abuser knows. While the comfort of a friend or relative s home may be appealing, your safety is the most important thing. It s best to stay in a place that is unfamiliar to your abuser. The locations of these shelters are known only to service providers. - Make sure schools and child care providers know who has permission to pick up your children. Ask them to require identification if it is anyone other than you. - Find a lawyer or a court advocate who specializes in domestic abuse. He or she can explore custody, visitation, and divorce provisions to protect you and your children. - Get help from your health care provider. If you go to a hospital or to see your doctor, ask the doctor to document evidence of abuse and to keep any evidence of abuse, such as photos of bruises and injuries, in your file.
4 4 Ending an Abusive Relationship - Learn about resources in your area. In many parts of the U.S., you can find out about free or low-cost community services by calling 211 or visiting the website This number and website can be helpful if you have to leave your home suddenly and need food, clothing, health care, or other necessities. If you need those things and can t call 211, contact the nearest United Way office and ask if it can refer you to a group that can provide what you need. - Call your company s employee assistance program (EAP) to help identify resources in your community. - Join a support group for victims of abuse. You will gain strength and support from others. If alcohol has been an issue, consider contacting Al-Anon ( a group for friends and relatives of alcoholics. To find a group in your area, call Avoid using a home computer that the abuser has access to. Use a computer away from home, such as one at a public library, a coffee shop, or a friend s home. Remember that even if you use a computer away from home, the abuser may try to hack into your . Do not discuss your situation or your plans in an . If you use , set a password that the abuser couldn t guess, and change the password frequently. Consider setting up a new account for sharing sensitive information. Set up your computer so that it always deletes cookies and your Internet history before shutting down. Promptly delete any text messages on a cell phone. Safety precautions at home The risk of danger may be greater after leaving an abusive relationship. It is very important to increase safety in your home once the abuser has left the premises. Avoid staying alone. Change the locks on the doors and windows as soon as possible. Lock your car, even if it is in your garage. Install a security system if you can afford one. Install extra locks, window bars, and poles or bars to wedge against doors. Even a system that sounds a loud alarm is better than nothing. If you live in a condo or an apartment, instruct others in the building to call the police at once if they hear you scream. Install outside lights that light up when a person is coming close to the home. Teach your children how to call the police or relatives or friends for help. Before you go to sleep at night, dial 911 into your cell phone without pushing send. This way, if phone lines are cut or if someone is listening in, you will not need to use your land line to call for help. If you dial 911 before you go to sleep, you just need to push send in an emergency. Contact your local police to find out what to do to make sure that a 911 call from your cell phone or land line will be
5 5 Ending an Abusive Relationship answered promptly. If possible, keep your cell phone fully charged. Another option is to identify an individual to contact in case of an emergency, ICE, to help you and your children. When possible have important phone numbers on speed dial. Vary your routines. Use different stores, and take different routes to and from school, work, and friends homes. Do not meet with or call the abuser under any circumstances. Do not accept calls from the abuser. If the abuser calls, hang up after calmly telling the person to call your attorney. Use caller ID to screen calls whenever possible. Safety precautions at work Here are safety precautions to take at work. Contact your manager or human resources (HR) representative to find out what resources and support are available to you through work. Include the workplace and physicians offices on your protective (restraining) order. Let security know that you have taken out a restraining order and make sure that it is current and easily available at all times. A copy of your restraining order should be provided to the police, your supervisor at work, security, your HR representative, the receptionist, and the legal department. If your company does not have a security department, let the people you work with know that you have taken out a restraining order. Provide a picture of the abuser to receptionists and security. Also provide phone numbers from which the abuser might call you. Take safety precautions going to and from work. Park close to the entrance of your building. Try not to park in the same place every day. Ask security to escort you to and from your car or public transportation, especially if you leave when few people are around. Avoid talking on your cell phone or being distracted as you walk to your car. Look in your car before getting in. Use the key to unlock only the door you need to open to get in, and then lock the doors immediately. Do not sit in your car to make calls or do anything else -- leave where you were parked at once. If the abuser gets in the way of your car as you try to leave, just keep blaring the horn, move the car a little, and then stop and call 911 for help. Save any threatening s or telephone messages at work. You can use these to take legal action against your abuser. If the abuser is accessing your account, tell your attorney and others in your support circle. Have your calls screened. Transfer harassing calls to security or remove your name and number from automated phone directories. Change your extension at work if you are getting harassing phone calls. If your work phone has voice mail and the
6 6 Ending an Abusive Relationship abuser knows or might guess the password, change the password. If you change your phone number, only let those you trust have that information. Talk with your manager about moving your workspace to a secure area, if possible. Identify someone as an emergency contact if your employer can t reach you. Look into alternate hours or work locations. If possible, vary your work hours. Vary the routes you travel to and from work. Where to find help Here are important phone numbers to have on hand. 911 or the number of your local police. A list of safe people to contact -- friends, relatives, neighbors, and co-workers. National Domestic Violence Hotline ( SAFE ( ). This 24-hour hotline can help you find shelters, housing, counseling, support groups, job training, and legal assistance in your area. Your health care provider(s), including mental health providers. The toll-free number of your EAP. Ask your manager or HR representative for the number. Here are more resources: American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence This site offers helpful resources that include the free publication What Rights Do I Have as a Victim of LGBT Violence? for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender abuse victims. Your city, county, or state bar association can refer you to a lawyer who has experience with domestic abuse. Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women HELP-LINE ( ) This website specializes in offering supportive services to men abused by their female intimate partners. Futures Without Violence Formerly called Family Violence Prevention Fund, Futures Without Violence has helpful information on the rights of abuse victims, including female abuse victims who came to the U.S. from other countries. They can be reached at the website listed above or by calling
7 7 Ending an Abusive Relationship Legal Momentum: The Women s Legal Defense and Education Fund Legal Momentum has many publications and resources on domestic violence and other issues that affect women. It can also refer you to a lawyer in your area who has experience in dealing with abuse. To find a lawyer, go to the site and click on the page that says Legal Assistance. They can be reached at the website listed above or by calling National Resource Center on Domestic Violence NRCDV is a national network of programs that work to support individuals and organizations through training and technical assistance. Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network HOPE ( ) RAINN works to prevent sexual violence and to help its victims. It operates the free, confidential National Sexual Assault Hotline for victims of sexual abuse and their friends and families. The hotline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. U.S. Department of Justice, Office on Violence Against Women This government website provides publications, research, and links to online resources on such issues as stalking and sexual assault. It can take a long time to end an abusive relationship, but with careful planning and support it can be done. Give yourself credit for having the courage to take this step toward a healthy and safe life. Thousands of people end abusive relationships every year. Written with the help of Nydia Santiago, PhD. Ms Santiago is a clinical psychologist, board-certified coach, and clinical service delivery manager at Ceridian. 2002, 2012 Ceridian Corporation. All rights reserved
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