The Hidden Logic of Teenagers. Mike Riera, MCDS, February 1, 2010

Transcription

1 The Hidden Logic of Teenagers Mike Riera, MCDS, February 1, 2010 On February 1st, Michael Riera, Ph.D. gave a talk at MCDS entitled, "The Hidden Logic of Teenagers." This talk was based on his book, "Staying Connected to Your Teenager." Definition of Teenager According to Dr. Riera, a good definition of an adolescents is, "Someone who cannot tell you in a consistent way why s/he does the things s/he does." He explains that children can exhibit adolescent traits (e.g., self-conscious, apathetic, sexual, nonverbal, moody, volatile, dramatic, etc.) as early as 9 or as late as 15 and that adolescent turbulence can be fleeting (a few months) or a long drawn out process (years and years), depending on the child. He says that the teenager is of two minds, the regressed child and the emerging adult. Staying Connected to Your Teenager Developmentally, your teenager is embarking on a journey that requires that s/he separate from you to discover who s/he is independently in the world. Thus, your teen will prioritize her relationships with peers and teachers (including coaches and mentors). Peers will mainly influence your teen s behavior, but his/her attitudes (orientation and tendencies, especially of the mind) will be predominately influenced by you. Your shifting role in your teen's life may require you to be extremely creative in order to maintain a consistent, loving connection. A parent's connection with his/her teenager will have a big effect on such issues as drinking, drugs, sex, peer pressure, peer acceptance, academic achievement, and extracurricular activities. The stronger connection you have with your teen, the more influence you have and the easier it is to set limits and guidelines. Vibrant, persistent connection will temper the doubt, resentment, and anger that may accompany the tough moments in this most difficult and growth filled stage of development. 1

2 Dr. Riera describes the parent's roles as changing from a "managerial" position to one of "consultant." A consultant is available when the client is ready and is a "side by side" relationship. The collaborative nature of your relationship with your teen will allow your teen to feel safe to express his/her vulnerabilities, doubts, and insecurities with you. Your teen will need your help in thinking strategically and creatively during this important time of growing, extending, and moving on. Dr. Riera's Practical Suggestions for Staying Connected to your Teen 1. It is important to remain non-judgmental (no shaming, blaming). Meet your teen where s/he is and not where you want him/her to be. Also, teens are not interested in their parents' wisdom, lectures, expertise, and/or advice (unless they ask twice). 2. When your teen says something to make you anxious, frustrated, and/or angry, count to 10 before responding (this may require some deep breathing). Your teen will test your openness to conversations by starting with easy to hear content and progressing to more challenging, unresolved, and messy items. If you do not jump in, s/he will continue to talk. 3. If possible, avoid sitting directly across from your teen. S/he needs space to stare off and think without the interruption of your presence in front of her/him. 4. Help put words to your teen's experiences. Be emotionally descriptive in talking about your own experiences. 5. Most conversations with teens last approximately 5 minutes. If a serious topic of conversation is in order, it may need to span 10 conversations (each lasting 5 minutes). 6. Bedtime is usually the time for deep conversation with teens. It is important to not let your child know you are planning a talk; just sit on their bed for a minute or rub their back. 7. Driving is another opportunity for fruitful conversations. S/he may be more open during transitions that allow for aimless talk and free associations. 2

3 8. Let your teen take responsibility for making you feel comfortable with her/his proposed activities. Have your teen explain how s/he intends to address your sensitivities and concerns regarding the experience. 9. Understand the personality/temperament of your child. With an extrovert, when you would like to learn about something, stay quiet and listen. With an introvert, it is best to ask a question and wait. Areas of Developmental Growth The average teen will experience more novel events, situations, and feelings in one day than most adults will experience in a week. When an individual is in his/her "comfort zone," s/he will feel relaxed, calm, and confident. This will be accompanied by feelings of equilibrium. By definition, however, a teenager's world is filled with new activities, situations, and growth. Thus, they constantly struggle with endless feelings of confusion and doubt that accompany states of disequilibrium. Three Biggest Areas of Developmental Changes I. Physical Changes A. Body Growth 1. A teen can grow as much as 3/8th of an inch in a 24 hour period. The growth hormone is secreted at night so your teen may wake up much taller. 2. Your teenager's brain will be misjudging the size of his/her body because of the rapid physical growth. You will see your teen tripping over things, spilling drinks, etc. It is important to be understanding in these situations. 3. Growth spurts will be accompanied by irritability, increased appetite, sleeplessness, clumsiness, and often tears. 4. The average boy doubles in strength during adolescences. B. Sleep Changes 1. The sleep cycle changes because hormone is secreted in the evening that turns the system "on." Thus, the activation of melatonin is delayed and oftentimes a teen will not experience feelings of sleepiness until around midnight. 3

4 2. The average teen gets 6.3 hours of sleep on a school night. They need 9.1 hours of sleep, leading to accumulated week's end sleep deprivation as high as 16 hours. Naps 20 to 40 minutes are helpful. 3. The side effects of sleep deprivation: homework taking twice as long, SAT scores 100 points lower, and behavioral problems worsen. II. Cognitive Growth A. Abstract thinking not solidly in place until 9th grade. The teen wavers between concrete and abstract thinking during middle school. When in a stressful situation, the teen will resort to concrete thinking. When feeling safe, their thinking becomes more abstract. B. Your teen will need practice in thinking about and saying no to peers (may create a list of ready- made excuses). In pressure filled situations with peers, your teen will not be able to think clearly and creatively. III. Social/Emotional Life A. The safety of walking in the door from school will allow your teen to let go of self-consciousness. Your teen will not be able to answer many questions about the day until they have had time to think about it and decompress. This process is very different for boys and girls. Girls prefer to have contact with their friends as a checkin for the emotional outcome of the day. This is usually a 45 minute process. Whereas boys will have a quick self-assessment of their day in their room and will go outside and play. B. When your teen learns to drive, the car will become your teen s first apartment on wheels. This will be the venue for many fun memories with friends. The destination and timing of the trip may not be of significance. C. Teenagers need to follow their passions. Being well rounded may be a goal for their adulthood. Engaging in what they love will increase their feelings of happiness and confidence and reduce their stress and self-consciousness. D. Adverse situations teach teenagers about the depth of their resiliency and resourcefulness. It is best that your teen learn about the feelings that arise in 4

5 situations of failure, disappointment, loneliness, grief, and sadness when you are around to help. 5