CHRISTINE BURGMER. let's talk business. Just for fun

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1 CHRISTINE BURGMER let's talk business Just for fun

2 JUST FOR FUN English jokes to make you smile Doctor: How did you get that splinter in your finger? Patient: All I did was scratch my head. Child: How do you spell Mississippi? Father: The river or the state? I don t care who you are. Get your reindeer off my roof! Teacher: How far is it to India? Susan: Well, it can t be too far. My friend Rulie comes from India, and she goes home for her dinner every day. Waiter, there s a dead fly in my soup. Yes, sir, it s the heat that kills them. I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian. How? That s right! I say, waiter, this water is cloudy! The water s all right, sir, it s the glass that s dirty. Waiter, waiter, the service here is terrible. If you think the service is terrible, wait until you see the food! Waiter, there s no chicken in this chicken pie. So what, sir, you don t get dog in a dog biscuit, do you.? This new hearing-aid I ve got is so small that nobody notices it. It s wonderful. That s great. How much did it cost? Half past two. I d like some crocodile shoes, please Certainly, madam, what size are your crocodiles? Christine Burgmer - English Language and Communication Trainer - phone

3 If your clock strikes thirteen, what time is it? Time to get a new clock. Scientist: This gas is a deadly poison. What steps would you take if it escaped? Young scientist: Large ones, sir! June: May I have a fried egg? Mother: With pleasure. June: No, with chips! How do Eskimos dress? As quickly as possible Maggie: I m homesick. Mary: But this is your home. Maggie: I know and I m sick of it. What is worse than a redskin on the warpath? A banana skin on the footpath. Mike: Keep your dog away from me! Simon: Don t you know the proverb A barking dog never bites? Mike: Yes, but does your dog know the proverb? Teacher (on the telephone): So you say Mark is too ill to come to school? Voice at the other end: That s right. Teacher: Who am I talking to? Voice at the other end: This is my father. Why does a chicken lay an egg? Because if she dropped it, it would break. Why do footballers wear shorts? Because they would be arrested if they didn t. Mother: Michael, you ve been fighting! You bad boy, you ve lost your front tooth. Michael: No, I haven t. It s in my pocket. Christine Burgmer - English Language and Communication Trainer - phone

4 What s that you re making? It s a portable. A portable what? I don t know. I ve only made the handle so far. Waiter, waiter, how long have you worked here? Only two weeks, sir. Then it can t be you that took my order. Teacher: You can t sleep in class. Marie: No. But if you didn t talk so loudly I could. Why do doctors and nurses wear masks? So that if someone makes a mistake, no one will know who did it! How long will the next bus be? About 20 feet. Why did the frankfurter turn red? It saw the salad dressing. Dad: Did you have any problems with the exam questions? Daughter: No, it was the answers I got stuck on. I tried this new onion diet I read about onion for breakfast, onion for lunch, onion for dinner. Did you lose any weight? No, but I lost a lot of friends. John: Is that dog of yours a watchdog? Susie: Yes. John: Can he tell me the time? I want you to keep that dog out of the house. It s full of fleas. Fido! Don t go in that house. It s full of fleas! Snake-charmer: Be careful with that suitcase, porter. It contains a ten-foot snake. Porter. You can t kid me snakes don t have any feet. Christine Burgmer - English Language and Communication Trainer - phone

5 I don t want you using those bad words anymore. But, Mother, Shakespeare uses them. Well, don t play with him again. My wife s an angel. Really? Mine s still alive. Poor old Marvin sent his photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren t that lonely Little girl, did you catch that big fish all by yourself? No, I had a little worm to help me. Drowning man: Help, I can t swim! Passer-by: So what? I can t play the piano, but I don t shout about it. Where s your sister? In the house playing a piano duet. I finished first. Just think if it wasn t for Thomas Edison s invention of the electric light bulb, we d all be watching television by candlelight. What is a good example of wasted energy? Telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man. Woman: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Man: What are the two things? Woman: Your feet. Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. A teenager girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. Wow! said her father. That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened? Wrong number, replied the girl. Christine Burgmer - English Language and Communication Trainer - phone

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