nd revised edition Janice Giles. ISBN [PDF] ISBN [epub] ISBN [Mobi]

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2 Janice Giles asserts her moral right to be identified as the author of this work under the terms of Section 96 of the Copyright Act of 1994 (New Zealand). All rights reserved. No p[art of this publication may be produced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher nd revised edition Janice Giles ISBN [PDF] ISBN [epub] ISBN [Mobi] Cover design Janice Giles

3 This handbook is dedicated to all who genuinely seek to provide assistance to women who experience abuse from male partners. All author profits will be donated to Tauranga Women s Refuge The author and publisher make no claims as to the completeness of the contents of this handbook. Situations vary, and you are urged to consult a professional where appropriate.

4 A GUIDE TO SUPPORTING WOMEN WHO EXPERIENCE ABUSE BY MALE PARTNERS Janice Giles MHSc

5 Contents Acknowledgements Introduction Unexamined beliefs Women s development and traditional ideals The changing purpose of seeking help Preventative interventions for young women Phase 1: Seeking help for her partner or for the relationship Responding to women in Phase 1 Phase 2: Seeking help for herself while still committed to an abusive partner Responding to women in Phase 2 Phase 3: Seeking help to leave an abusive partner Responding to women in Phase 3 Phase 4: Seeking help immediately after separation Responding to a women in Phase 4 Recovery: Women rebuilding their lives after separation Responding to women rebuilding their lives Issues for workers Workers experience abuse too Issues for male workers Supervision for workers Important phone numbers Figure 1. The changing purpose of seeking help Figure 2. Phases of the presentation of women being abused by a male partner Figure 3. Phase-appropriate support for women in abusive relationships

6 Acknowledgements I thank those who have helped with the creation of this handbook. In particular, I acknowledge Helen Curreen of AUT University for her supervision and considerable support. Thanks also to colleagues, past and present, who work toward the prevention of abuse and its effect on families. Your encouragement and wisdom remains invaluable. Special thanks go to the many hundreds of women, individual counselling clients and, women s support group participants who have taught me so much about their world. And, for your courage and honesty, thank you to the women who participated in research for my master s thesis (2004): Growing Through Adversity: Becoming Women Who Live Without Partner Abuse. A Grounded Theory Study. The thesis can be downloaded at: Or: The Masters thesis was also released as a monograph: Growing Through Adversity, Personal Growth and Recovery from Intimate Partner Abuse (2008) and is available in book form at: Recovery/dp/

7 Introduction The abuse of women by their male partners is a common social problem in New Zealand Aoteoroa. The responses of others are pivotal in assisting abused women to find their way to healthier and happier lives. Unfortunately, in spite of well-intentioned interventions and the excellent training in domestic violence received by many workers, women may find the help they receive from a variety of settings and agencies does not meet their needs. Information about the different phases of the process of being in a relationship with an abusive partner and women s purposes for seeking help may be useful to service providers. The aim of this brief guide is to summarise phase-appropriate responses in everyday language. It is designed for case-workers, teachers and educators, health care workers, counsellors, and others who may provide support and services to women who experience abuse from a male partner. Each woman s experience of abuse by a male partner is unique and complex. Individual details will vary depending on a woman s age, culture, family system, beliefs, faith and life experience. To understand the needs of a woman who stays long-term with an abusive partner you need to see the world through her eyes. It helps to have some knowledge of normal patterns of women s development and awareness of common beliefs about women s roles in relationship. Sometimes people who work with victims have difficulty understanding why women stay with abusive partners. This can lead to encouraging separation. Unfortunately, often this response does not meet her needs and she may be unwilling to ask you for help again. Over the course of a relationship with an abusive partner, a woman will seek or accept assistance, advice, and support for different reasons. Understanding what she is looking for will help you to give a useful and appropriate response.

8 This guide may not reflect the detail of every abused woman s experience, but it is informed by identified cycles and patterns of behaviour commonly reported by women who are abused by male partners. Early in the relationship, the purpose of seeking help is to improve and sustain the relationship. Only later will she seek help to separate, or help to survive after separation. The interventions suggested in this guide have a changing focus and include: Phase 1: Seeking help for the partner and his behaviour, or seeking skills to improve the relationship. Phase 2: Seeking help to sustain herself so she can survive in the relationship. Phase 3: Seeking help to plan for separation. Phase 4: Seeking help for the survival of herself and her children immediately after separation. This guide also suggests interventions for the periods before and after the relationship. Preventive Interventions: For young women before they commit to a relationship. Recovery: Rebuilding. Trying to understand the relationship experience and preparing for the future. Figures 1, 2 and 3 on the following pages may be printed to assist you in using the guide.

9 Focus on the Relationship (Possible preconscious awareness that the relationship is not sustainable.) Seeking help for him and the relationship Seeking help for herself to survive within the relationship Seeking help to separate and plan for leaving Seeking help to survive and maintain separation Focus on Self (A conscious awareness of abuse and decision to separate.) Figure 1. The changing purpose of seeking help. She has a change in perspective and her focus shifts from sustaining the relationship to survival of self.

10 Figure 2. Women s presentation in the phases of an abusive relationship. PHASE 1 Seeks help for him or for the relationship PHASE 2 Seeks help for herself to survive within the relationship PHASE 3 Seeks help to separate. Has lost hope for her survival within the relationship. May leave and return several times. PHASE 4 Seeks help to survive after separation. May not have other support. Confused and bewildered. Ashamed. Distressed. Anxious and/or depressed. Probably blames herself for the difficulties and is socially isolated. Has limited freedom. Doesn t want others to know about the abuse, may not recognise that she is being abused, particularly if no physical violence. May feel helpless and hopeless. May be overworking to avoid conflict or misusing alcohol or substances. As above. May also be angry. Determined but afraid. Worried and doubting her ability to cope. Constantly justifies decision to separate, but sensitive to criticism of her partner. Desperate for support and to be believed. May have trauma symptoms such as anxiety and insomnia, or other health problems. Her story may seem incoherent. As above. May feel guilt for leaving. May feel sorry for him. May be grieving and lonely. Constantly justifying separation. Desperate. Highly stressed. Overwhelmed. May be very frightened and/or have serious trauma symptoms. Worried about children. May be angry at lack of adequate support. Constant rumination on him, the abuse, the relationship and her situation. Needs to tell her story many times. Confidence and self-esteem very fragile. May not trust others, including support workers. Still confused. Wants to control the process, but wants help too. RECOVERY Rebuilding. Seeks meaning for the experience. Plans for the future and tries to move on Trying to clarify blame and responsibility. Trying to reconcile perceived injustices. Wants to understand relationships and know who to trust. May still be concerned about children. May feel lost and unsure of her future. May be depressed or still have trauma symptoms. Seeks social connections. May still need to maintain relationship with him because of the children, feeling stuck and bound to him. May need to mend bridges with family or community.

11 Figure 3. Phase-appropriate support for women in abusive relationships PHASE 1 Seeks help for him or for the relationship PHASE 2 Seeks help for herself to survive within the relationship Focus on safety. Give information to help her understand what is happening. Help her to name her experience as abuse. Give her contact information for essential services. Encourage her to keep social connections outside relationship. Support healthy self-care. May need medical help for physical injury or mood management. Help create a safety plan. Ask about the children; this may help her re-contextualise her priorities. Affirm her resilience and bolster self-esteem. Do not expect her to leave the relationship. PHASE 3 Seeks help to separate. Has lost hope for her survival within the relationship. May leave and return several times. PHASE 4 Seeks help to survive after separation. May not have other support. Focus on safety and resources. May need a Protection Order. Needs practical help and advice. Escape plans. Skills building. Needs to understand systems, e.g. WINZ, courts. Affirm her strength and ability to cope. Be realistic and honest about the difficulties. Listen to her. Focus on survival, safety and remaining separate not reconciling. Don t feel sorry for him. Boundaries, stopping intrusion. Needs practical help, resources, support, and social validation for her choice. Mastering systems. Skills building. Affirm her strengths and skills - be realistic. Needs lots of help with the children. RECOVERY Rebuilding. Seeks meaning. Plans for the future. Begins to move on Building self and identity. Who am I now? Explore values and interests. Encourage exploration and connection with others. Trust needs rebuilding teach relationship skills. Help her find self-chosen purpose and direction. Ending processes leaving him behind to move forward.

12 Important Phone Numbers Local Women s Refuge Contact Person Number Local DSAC doctor

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