III. Communication. A. Moving into skill areas, i.e., what we want people to do.

Transcription

1 III. Communication COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION A. Moving into skill areas, i.e., what we want people to do. B. Remember we can examine any particular behavior or problem, but we want to be able to take it to: 1. How is this rooted or not rooted in love of God? 2. How is this rooted or not rooted in love of neighbor? C. Ephesians 4:2-32, Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body 1. There are principles that apply to communication right away a) V. 2, speak truth to one another; how to handle our anger. b) V. 29, speak wholesome things to one another. c) V. 32, how we speak to each other 2. We are rooted in issues of worship, which points us to what it means to love God and neighbor. You can fall into the temptation of just looking at principles. 3. V.2, There is a therefore which tells you that everything that follows is based on what was just said. a) Context of verses

2 (1) Paul tells us that we need to understand that we are to move from an old manner of life to a new manner of life. (a) In Christ, we should have new attitudes: to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (b) It is a picture of sanctification. (2) What you do with your mouths is a critical element of sanctification. Paul is going to talk about communication that is rooted in this journey, this process that all believers are involved in. Keep this context in mind or you will misapply these principles. b) Context of Ephesians 4 (1) We live as one body as a product of one spirit, and we have one faith, one hope, and one baptism. (2) This body has been given gifts so that the body would mature, would grow and be like Christ. (3) V. 1, Speaking the truth in love, gets highlighted. (4) Communication is important because the way you communicate is one of the primary means by which God moves us down this path of sanctification. Our words are going to help the body of Christ move down this path or hinder it from doing so. () Your words have everything to do with worshipping God and loving your neighbor. 4. V. 2, is saying be honest with each other. a) This is not just a prohibition against lying. He is arguing for the presence of information and truth. b) [F]or we are all members of one body : All the members of.

3 the body share information with each other in order to work towards a common goal. (1) Illustration of a self-injuring young girl as an example of a body s need for information. (2) Genesis 2 gives us a picture of a body where two are functioning as one. As soon as sin enters they are no longer without shame and engage in concealment and misdirection. c) Self-disclosure is a critical expression of growth in Christ (1) Sin brings division. It will always divide us from God, from our neighbor, and an intrapersonal division; an imagebearer of God at war with God. (2) In Genesis 2 you have the rule of unity and honesty which moves to Genesis 3 where there is the rule of shame, concealment and deception. (3) Redemption means moving back to a rule of unity and honesty in communication through being united with a savior. The savior has seen me through and through, and he has cleansed me, touched me. There is nothing for me to avoid anymore. (4) Marriage can embody that reality where we do not have to conceal ourselves anymore. () Ninety percent of marriage counseling is helping couples have new conversations where they no longer live under the rule of concealment and deceit and move towards honesty and unity. (6) Speaking the truth in love is an act of worship and love towards my neighbor. Honesty is profoundly worshipful and leads us to live in faith..

4 d) Where do people go wrong in their communication with each other? Common forms of deceit: (1) Double-bind communication (a) When you say two opposite things at the same time (b) More often, it occurs when there is a contradiction between their words and their emotions, attitudes, and body language or other behavior. (c) It puts the other person in a no-win situation. i) Example of a spouse who wants the other spouse to be honest and open. ii) Example of pouting. (d) Concealment offers me protection and I do not have to take the risk of you not caring. (2) Indirection/Ambiguity (a) Hint dropping (b) Example of Rob & Julia. Julia drop hints to Rob in her fear: I read an interesting article in the paper that most successful businessmen have a mentor. (c) Example of wives seeking intimacy leaving pamphlets and books around the house (d) People become more resistant because they feel manipulated. It is a way of exercising control, trying to be safe but love is not happening. (3) Misdirection (a) When the real issue feels too dangerous or volatile to talk about, so you look for something else to attack..

5 (b) Example of a husband who feels sexually frustrated and neglected but cannot talk about it. i) Sex means you like and accept me, find me desirable. ii) Having an honest conversation about sex makes them feel weak, vulnerable, and would require them to take this huge step of faith. iii) So the husband will attack something else. (c) The real conversation feels threatening, but I have to figure a way to get what I want or address how I feel, so I have all these other conversations which are misdirected, leading you away from what you ought to be talking about. (d) Couples can get so mired in misdirection and they have been engaged in misdirection for so many years, that they have forgotten what the real issues are. i) Example of a person who feels that they were pressured into being married to their spouse.. V , In your anger, do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. a) Stay current with each other. (1) Bitterness is anger plus time. Anger itself is not the primary problem. The problem is being angry and letting time pass. (2) Example of a couple who does not go to bed angry at each other. The principle becomes a tool of manipulation. (3) Do not sin, cf. Psalm 4:4, In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. (a) David is crying out to God and asking for help in his anger..

6 (b) David is sinned against by other people. He has reason to be angry. (c) Cf. Incident with Abigail as she intercedes for Nabel. (d) Context is real betrayal. Psalm 109:4, But I am a man of prayer. (4) Do not leave your anger unprocessed. (a) There needs to be a conversation. (b) The starting point of that conversation ought to be with the Lord. (c) The imperative is to deal with your anger, not to ignore it. () Encourage people to have frequent times of conversation. 6. V. 29, Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. a) Attack the problem and not the person. (1) Unwholesome talk in contrast to speech that builds people up into Christ s likeness. What words would encourage another person to faith and growth in Christ? (2) Wholesome talk can be misunderstood to mean what helps me or the other person feel better. (3) It is not about self-esteem, getting people to like you, or venting. The criteria for wholesome talk are what lead the other person to maturity in Christ. (4) Knowing what is helpful assumes an accurate understanding of the other: (a) Based on a biblical view of persons..

7 (b) Based on personal knowledge of the other. () Understanding comes from listening and understanding what people have to say. Listening is an assumed communication skill. b) Common forms of personal attack (1) Exaggeration and use of words like always, never, only (2) Trait names: using behavior as a label, taking a behavior and making it a person s identity. You are a jerk! You are a liar! You are an unloving person! (3) Attacks are different from the way God talks to us or the way Paul talks to us in Ephesians. There are these loving and kind reminders as to who they are in Christ and exhortation to act in a manner worthy of their calling. (a) Illustration from Lion King You are more than you ve become. 1 (Mufasa) (b) Different ways of addressing each other; talking to one another with words of faith and hope based on the truth of our identity. (c) Paul s words in Ephesians i) Ephesians 1:4, For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. ii) Ephesians 2:10, For we are God s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (d) Counseling process: i) Teach them how to talk about each other and how to encourage each other..10

8 ii) Illustration of Winston s wife (4) Shaming, another form of unwholesome speech (a) Attacking persons, not problems. Taking events a person is embarrassed by that they shared with you in an intimate setting, and then in the heat of a fight, you take it out and attack them with it. Winston has seen this in the marriage counseling room and stops this. It is so hard to recover from this kind of attack. (b) What is the message of this kind of attack? It lays an axe at the foot of the cross; it tries to undo the gospel. You may think you were accepted and loved, but you cross me, and I can take that away from you. c) Mind-reading, or assuming the worst of the other s motives (1) You are having a conversation where you are working through a problem. The other person is not responding to what is actually being said but rather to what they think you mean (i.e., your motives behind what you are saying). (2) Example of a couple who was fighting over whether or not to have another child (3) Destroys the purpose of having a conversation (4) Appeals to our self-righteousness () We need to have reverence for the complexity of the heart. We are all a mixed bag of motives. Do not be reductionistic in what you ascribe to other people s heart motives: Jeremiah 17:9; Proverbs 20:. (6) Be careful what we say to other people: Proverbs 18:13, 12:23; James 1:

9 (7) Focus the couple on using communication to reveal themselves to the other person. There are the dangers of human defensiveness. 7. V. 31, Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. a) Know your sin nature and the guises or forms that it takes. (1) Gottman s observation: if you have nothing but contempt for the other person, it does not matter what relationship skills you have. (2) Scripture also says you cannot exist in a body with each other if you are full of malice, brawling, rage, and ungodly anger. (3) Instances in marriage counseling where people need to have an accurate view of their sin habits: Understand the seduction of anger. (a) There are lots of areas where self-deception can go on. i) Anger itself tends to be dishonest. ii) Anger deceives the angry person. (b) When counseling couples, husbands in particular, men get comfortable in their anger. It becomes their habituated response to life s problems. (c) Anger has a seductive and appealing quality. It gives a sense of empowerment that says, I can do something about what is happening to me. It calls me to action. There is not an appeal to fear. (d) It is hard to connect to an angry person. If you are a habitually angry person, you have to get underneath it. Ask, Why do I get angry? Dig in there and find out. Do not just settle for the easy answer. You can have another battle plan. You can be a whole person and not.12

10 just show your angry side. (e) Other times, anger is masked by other feelings, like sadness. This can be seen in wives. Many women feel they do not have permission to be angry. (4) Be committed to searching out your own heart. 1 Lion King I, DVD, directed by Roger Allers and Rob Minkoff, (1994; Burbank, CA: Walt Disney Home Video, 2003)..13