Yo Mama or: Wherein We Examine the Effects of Obesity on D&D Characters

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Ruby Thornton
7 years ago
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1 Yo Mama or: Wherein We Examine the Effects of Obesity on D&D Characters Morten A. Salvesen

2 Contents Introduction 1 Rules & Gameplay 2 Race Attributes

3 Introduction <GinjaNinja> Your momma is so fat, she gets -8 to her AC. As is obvious from the title (- Yo Mama ) - this article will be a short examination of the effects of obesity on D&D role-playing characters 1. What sparked this curious interest in the subject was the quote at the top of the section, which I came over while browsing away on bash.org. I was explaining the joke to a friend, thereby removing all traces of funny from it, and afterwards was left with a feeling that much of the joke was left un-understood by my hapless victim of comedy murder 2, so I decided to sit down and further mutilate this joke by dissecting it and spreading the results over multiple pages. Before I begin my engrossing study though, I would ask my readers to observe the following: I am in no way an expert on the field of D&D Character Creation, D&D rules or anything at all related to D&D. I base all of my speculation on my own experience from D&D based computer games such as the Baldur s Gate, Icewind Dale and NWN series, as well as other such games, and whatever information I ve looked up on Wikipedia. So feel free to make comments or correct me wherever I am wrong. Also I take for granted that the earlier mentioned quote is correct in it s assessment of fat people: They are easy to hit! This is also something that is realistic 3. A very important fact in the imagined and completely fictious world of D&D gaming. Because everybody knows that while it is the utmost pish posh to think that a man can actually throw a fireball at you, it would be even sillier to think that the afore-mentioned imagined, completely non-existing and totally absurd fireball would not cause damage to everyone in the surrounding area of where it exploded. That s just... unrealistic. Also one would have to be completely daft to even for one second think that if someone is actually able to conjure up and throw a fireball, that that person is also capable of distinguishing between friend and foe, thus making the following fiery explosion wreak justice only upon the asses of those who truly deserve it 4. So with that information and short digression in mind, I urge the reader to journey on down these pages for an exciting discovery of fast food and it s effects. On D&D characters... 1 On the characters! The puppets! Not the puppet-masters! I am not saying that people who play (PnP) D&D are fat, because fat people are easily offended and I don t want to offend the only people who might actually read this. 2 Whether my explaining or the joke itself is an attempt on comedys life is a discussion for another time. 3 This has been proven by countless scientific studies. Many of which I have performed myself. 4 Though these people tend, quite often really, to be you re own team-members... So I guess the rule is there for a reason. 1

4 Rules & Gameplay First off I would like to give some information about D&D role-playing characters and how they work, for the people who are even less knowledgeable about D&D than I am - but I will still presume that the reader has some knowledge about role-playing, or just plain gaming, or maybe just a very lively imagination, and can fill in the gaps himself. Basically what happens is that you, the player, create a character who will be your avatar in the gaming world. You determine what he or she (or it) will look like, what race you belong to (and we re not talking black or white here, although you can usually choose skin color from all over the spectrum if you want), what strengths and weaknesses you have, how intelligent, good looking or strong you are, and what things you re good at. So as I said, you create your own character! We shall start with the basics: The name! No, really, we ll take a short look at the race you choose. Race Usually the very first thing you decide is what race you ll be playing. I won t go into the different types of races one can choose from. But I will remark that depending on what race you choose you will often get different perks and/or handicaps to abilities, skills, everything. Also the different races tend to have different average size and physical builds (like elves who are often tall and slim. And sexy), as well as different racial philosophies and ethical values. Humans tend to be the most neutral races: Not specialized in any way, and with few added bonuses like an extra feat and skill points at first level, and in many game worlds they are very often the most tolerant and tolerated of races. So we see that the race of the character is not really that important when we re discussing obesity - except perhaps to note that you d have to be an especially gluttonous halfling to become as fat as we re talking - but I will still focus mostly on human (or neutral) race characters. Because this makes it all easier, but mostly because I haven t seen that many fat elves or planetars eating at McDonalds. Attributes Next up are the attributes. Now the attributes define your characters physical and mental characteristics, and give modifiers to many of your skills - more on these later (ref: skills) - so these are often the first thing to be decided. The way things are determined in D&D games is often by the use of dice. So basically your character is governed by chance. Much as in real life. Except that in real life you can work out to build strength, study to enhance your knowledge and undergo operations to make yourself look better. So... not that much like real life at all. Though it should be noted that as you gain experience and level up, you will be able to add points to your attributes. Another way to specify your attributes is by a point-buy system, where you either roll dice for points 2

5 or you are assigned a specific number, and then you space them out across your abilities. Now the different attributes are STRength: This is a measure of your muscle strength, stamina and endurance. So if you re strong you can hit harder, run longer and you can take a tougher beating. DEXterity: This is the all-round attribute, which for some reason governs most of your skills and a ton of other important stuff. Why they decided to put so much importance in this stupid attribute when you need every point you can get in charisma to make a decent (read: kick ass) sorcerer, is beyond me. Now the physical abilities governed by dexterity are hand-eye co-ordination, agility, reflexes, precision, balance and speed of movement. Dexterity also affects initiative in attack, projection of missiles - both from hand and other 5 - and defensive measures. CONstitution: Key-words are physique, fitness, health and resistance to diesease. And poison. Basically what this does is tell you how many hit-points (HP) you have, that is; how many times can I hit you before you die. INTelligence: Dis here be dee-scribehn yer smarts! Sort of like IQ, reasoning and learning. It also governs how many spells a Wizard (ref: class) may know. WISdom: Enlightenment, judgement, willpower and intuitiveness. Also defines the chance of withstanding a magical attack, as well as governing Cleric s and Druid s spells. CHArisma: How physically attractive you are, as well as a measure of your persuasiveness and personal magnetism. Notice that the charisma is not just a measure of how sexy you are, so ugly characters can have a high charisma as well. Governs Bard s and Sorcerers 6 spellcasting abilities. Important to all characters, unless you want to make a very annoying one that nobody likes. 5 Hey! Know what that means? Means you won t be able to hit anything with that damn fireball of yours unless you spend a ton of points in dexterity! Of course, considering the extreme splash damage of the fireball that doesn t really matter, as everything in a 5 mile radius is gonna be charred to a crisp anyway! 6 Everybody loves Sorcerers! 3

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