So that is why we are coming back to it this morning.

Transcription

1 Sermon Transcript Jeremy McQuoid Luke 16:18 Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage 18 th October 2015 S ome of the more eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that, during our series in Luke s Gospel, we skipped a very important verse. Luke 16:18 says, Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery. This verse is about the huge issue of marriage, divorce and remarrying after divorce. My reason for skipping the verse at the time was because it came at the end of a passage about a completely different issue, and I felt that I did not want to deal with such a huge issue in just the last five minutes of a sermon. So that is why we are coming back to it this morning. Even within the church today, people are more confused than ever about God s plan for marriage. I was reading recently a newspaper article about the comedian David Walliams, who managed to get what the newspaper called a quickie divorce in under nineteen minutes. A story like that should shock us, but it doesn t anymore because quickie divorces are so common today, not just among celebrities, but in everyday life, that it is barely newsworthy anymore. But how should we, as Christians, think about marriage and divorce? What message should we be teaching our children, and the wider culture, in our day of family breakdown and sexual confusion? It would be difficult to find a more relevant subject. What I want to do this morning is not so much give an exposition of

2 just one verse from Luke; I want to look at a range of Bible texts to get a big picture of the Bible s teaching on marriage, divorce and remarriage. And the first thing that needs to be said if we are to understand God s view of marriage is simply this: God designed marriage to be permanent Before we get into the technicalities of divorce and remarriage, we need to clear about God s original plan for marriage. God wants marriage to be permanent. In Matthew s version of this passage, Matthew 19, Jesus goes right back to the first marriage, the marriage of Adam and Eve, as a paradigm for what God intends marriage to be. The Bible teaches about marriage before it even teaches about sin and the fall. Marriage is the most ancient institution of all. It is the bedrock of a stable society, and a core part of our very humanness. We mess with God s design at our peril. Genesis 2 says, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, and become joined to his wife, and the 2 shall become one flesh. This is profound. Biblical marriage involves a leaving and a cleaving. You move from under the authority of your parents whose own marriage has been your guiding light, and you form a new union, cleaving to your wife. You become joined to her in a sacred bond a bond signified by the sexual act. It is such a profound bond that in heaven s eyes, the two people become one. It is the most profound bond that human beings are capable of. And when you hold up that biblical ideal, you quickly realize what a mess we are in today. John Merson was telling me that 2

3 he went to speak at a secondary school a while ago, to sixth years about sex and sexuality. When he suggested that the sexual act should be reserved for marriage only, the kids literally laughed. They weren t intending on being rude. They were a thoughtful group of sixth years. But they believed that reserving the sexual act for marriage was such an old fashioned view that it was just ridiculous. And so you have teenagers, who are joining themselves to each other in this sacred union. Teenagers who are becoming one flesh in heaven s eyes, but they do it flippantly. The average teenager today has a series of sexual partners a series of oneflesh unions before they chose the one they want to settle down with. They develop an utterly warped view of God s plans for marriage. Having multiple sexual encounters, quite apart from the damage it does to your body, is teaching a young person not to look for one other person to build a happy marriage with; not to be satisfied with just one person that we devote ourselves to for the rest of our lives. And so they come to marriage (if they enter marriage at all!) as an open-ended relationship based on how long the other person pleases them. Narcissism and self-seeking are at the heart of marriage today. It is a million miles away from God s marriage plan. This causes broken homes and broken hearts, and children who don t know who their parents are, with no real solid family unit, is the price we have to pay for treating God s laws with such disdain. Reserving sex purely for the marriage relationship is not a return to Victorian values. It is the command of our creator who designed faithful marriage to be the bedrock of human society, 3

4 and sex outside of marriage is both sinful and damaging. We have to put it that bluntly. That sexual bond, the union between a husband and wife, is a picture for us of the deep emotional bond that marriage should signify. Marriage means giving yourself to your loved one. It involves promises for lifelong commitment that we make before God and others. The marriage vows are profound: For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live. That is God s plan for marriage. Marriage is not to please me first and foremost. None of the vows we make are about what pleases me. They are about the commitment I give to this marriage on good days, and especially on bad. I m committed to my spouse when he loses his job, or when she gets chronically ill, or when we re trying to raise a special needs child together. In marriage you are saying, I give myself to you, utterly and completely. This marriage bond is so profound, Paul tells us in Ephesians, because it is actually a picture of Christ s love for the church. God intended from eternity to give us marriage so that we could understand the love Christ has for us, his passionate giving of himself at the cross. Jesus hanging from a cross is our marriage textbook. He came from heaven, relinquishing everything that was his by right, so that he could give himself completely and without reserve for the bride he loved. Husbands, stop thinking about who your wife needs to be. Wives, stop manipulating your husbands into who you want them to be. Get to grips with who you need to be, as you picture Jesus hanging from a cross. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. 4

5 Can you see how profound marriage is? The most profound bond we can enter, where two people become one flesh in the eyes of God and promise to give themselves to each other as Christ has given himself for us on a cross. This truly is sacred territory. One rabbi said, when he was commenting on the Song of Solomon, a book all about marriage and sexuality, In the other wisdom books we find the holy place, but in the Song of Solomon, we are in the holy of holies. Brothers and sisters - is that how you view your marriage? The holy of holies. Are you determined to give yourself to your spouse in a sacred bond, with all the passion and commitment that Christ has given to you at the cross? I believe the church has a wonderful opportunity, as marriages and family units in our secular culture crumble, to show the beauty of God s kingdom to a watching world through the solidity, the passion and commitment we bring to our marriages. The more bleak the state of marriages and family life becomes outside the church, the more beautiful real Christian marriage looks like. And people will want to know, How do you get a marriage like that? Why do you Christians have such strong families? Teaching unbelievers about marriage and family life is perhaps the number one way that we show the difference the Gospel and knowing Jesus makes. So your marriage, and your devotion to it, is not just so that you have a happy and stable home where children can grow up in security it is also a powerful witness to the world. Every godly marriage speaks of Christ s love for the church, and points people to the cross. What a glorious calling. God designed marriage to be permanent. 5

6 So now, how should we think about divorce? How should we respond as Christians when things go wrong in marriage; when sin destroys God s plan for marriage? I think this verse, and several other New Testament passages teach us that: God allows divorce only for adultery or abuse In the Old Testament, God not only instituted marriage, he also instituted divorce. But we need to be careful when we say that. God is very clear that he hates divorce. He says so in Malachi. Anytime there is a divorce, God is grieved. Divorce is always a tragedy. And one of the big problems in our culture today, and even in the church, is that divorce is not seen as a tragedy. You can get divorced at the drop of a hat without much reason being given. Many people simply move on with their lives without properly grieving what has gone wrong. And with over fifty percent of marriages ending in divorce, and those statistics being almost as big within the church as outside it, we really need to take stock. Divorce is way too easy in our culture. We do not fight for marriages near as much as we should. Divorce is seen as an easy get out clause. And that is not the Bible s view of it. God allowed divorce in the Old Testament, very reluctantly. Jesus tells the Jews in Matthew 19 that God allowed it because of The hardness of their hearts. And his main reason for permitting divorce was to protect innocent victims, who were usually women. If a man left his wife in ancient culture, it left the woman in a very vulnerable position, as the man was the bread winner, and owner of property. The man had the right to later take up with the same wife, if he wanted to, or abandon her altogether in a very male-dominated 6

7 society. So God said that a man had to write a certificate of divorce for a deserted wife, so that she would be free to marry another man, who could then support her and help raise her children. In other words, God allowed divorce to protect women from being abused and destitute. Divorce was a concession from God to limit the impact of human sin. It was never designed to be an easy get out clause. And today we should not look at divorce as an easy get out. It should only be as a last resort when all hope of restoration has been exhausted. Divorce was allowed to protect victims. Yet so many get divorced today, using excuses like We just grew apart, or We fell out of love. What they really mean is they are not getting the happiness they craved out of marriage so divorce was there to let them move on until they found happiness. But marriage isn t about what makes me happy. It s about a commitment to love another in all the circumstances of life. The only reason the Bible allows divorce is if there has been sexual unfaithfulness in the marriage. Matthew 19:9 has what we call the exception clause: Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery. There s the important exception. If there is adultery in the marriage, then a marriage is seen as broken in God s eyes, and divorce is permissible. However, it s important to say divorce is permissible rather than encouraged. If grace is operating in our lives, it is possible to forgive even acts of marital unfaithfulness. It wasn t long ago that we were considering Jesus words that if someone sins against us seven times in a day and asks for forgiveness, then we should be ready to forgive. I m not 7

8 suggesting that is easy, with all the emotions and sense of betrayal that occurs in marital unfaithfulness. But if the broken bonds can be knit together again by God s grace, then surely that should be the first priority, rather than jumping immediately towards divorce proceedings. There have been many wonderful stories of gracious wives forgiving erring husbands, and gracious husbands forgiving erring wives, and with time, effort, honesty and prayer, God restores a marriage. Just this past week my father was renewing the vows for a couple in Northern Ireland who had separated. Then they both came to faith independently, and felt compelled to get back together as a couple, with full forgiveness and grace shown for everything that had happened between them in the past. Divorce is permitted when there has been marital unfaithfulness, but that should not be the first instinct for believers who know the power of God s grace. The question that the church has wrestled with over the centuries, is whether physical or emotional abuse is also a reason why couples should be allowed to divorce. Jesus doesn t say anything about that, nor does the rest of the New Testament, and so many sincere believers, who want to follow the Bibles teaching, say that an abused partner cannot seek a divorce if there has been abuse. My own personal view is that, in the Old Testament, the reason why God allowed a divorce certificate was to prevent women from being left vulnerable and abused, without hope, when their husbands deserted them. And it seems strange to me that we would tell a woman who has been physically or emotionally bruised over years that she cannot be free of her marriage to a brute, simply because that brute has not been unfaithful. 8

9 I would argue that he has been unfaithful - sexually unfaithful. His abuse is a breaking of the sexual bond of intimacy between them. The picture of God throughout scripture is that he heals the broken hearted. He gives new starts to those who have been abused, who have been victims. But that is my own viewpoint, and it is something we are wrestling with as elders together, and we pray we ll be given grace and wisdom on a case by case basis. Of course, even in abuse situations, it does not mean that divorce is inevitable. Most often, separation is the best plan of action. In the Old Testament, of course, God himself is a divorcee. In the book of Hosea, he grieves over his people s adultery as they have chased after false gods, and he initiates divorce proceedings. Divorce itself is not the sin. It is the breaking of covenant promises and covenant vows that is the sin, and God himself understands how it feels to be the victim in a divorce. But let s remind ourselves that a situation of abuse is a totally different situation to the couple who want a quick divorce because they have grown apart, or their spouse isn t pleasing them anymore. Sadly, that is a tragedy that is happening all the time, without so much as a question being asked. These are difficult issues, that Christians disagree on, but I feel that scripture as a whole allows divorce where there has been marital unfaithfulness or abuse. Divorce is never encouraged in scripture, but it is God s concession to the sinfulness of the human heart an act of grace in fact - to protect victims within a marriage who have been mistreated. 9

10 But what about the question of remarriage? There are Christians who accept that there can be grounds for divorce, but that passages like Luke 16 prohibit any thought of marrying again. It says it in black and white, Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery with her. What are we to make of the thorny question of remarriage? Well, I think the Bible teaches that: God allows re-marriage only if a former marriage is truly broken Clearly God does allow remarriage in certain circumstances. 1 Corinthians 7 says that if a spouse dies, the widow or widower is free to remarry. Paul adds the caveat that the new spouse must be a believer, and we cannot emphasize enough the importance of Christians marrying Christians. Nehemiah, in the Old Testament, physically assaulted fathers who had allowed their daughters to marry outside the covenant community. If you devote yourself to someone who doesn t love Jesus, what is that going to do to your own love for Jesus? But clearly in a death situation, the spouse is allowed to remarry, because the original marriage covenant is broken by death. But can a divorced person remarry while their spouse is still alive? Again, Christians have very different viewpoints, and many sound evangelicals simply disallow remarriage after divorce. Before we look at any exceptions to the rule, we need to hear the full force of this verse in Luke. If you divorce someone, for any reason other than unfaithfulness or abuse, and you remarry, then you become an adulterer, and you force your new husband or wife to become an adulterer in God s eyes. 10

11 That is a serious issue. God sees marriage as permanent, and the vows we make before God and men as binding, even if we don t. And as Christians, we must not fall into the prevailing culture around us, of easy divorces, and moving on quickly to find another spouse. We re just following the sinful habits of the world, who treat marriage as nothing more than a piece of paper, and take sacred vows, and sexual union, so lightly. However, if a marriage is truly broken, when there has been unfaithfulness, or there has been abuse. In those very limited circumstances, a Christian is free to remarry. Of course, that doesn t mean they ought to remarry. Remarriage raises a lot of questions. Have I really come to terms with the sin that lead to the breakdown of my first marriage? Have I grieved over that, even if I was largely the victim? It would never be right to rush into remarriage to try and deal with the hurt, or to move on as quickly as possible. In many ways we need to feel the hurt, because something has gone tragically wrong with God s design for marriage. Am I truly compatible with the new person I am hoping to marry, or am I just desperate not to be alone? These are very emotive questions, I know, but they need to be asked. Has God led me into this new relationship, or am I trying to force the issue? Is my potential new spouse a committed believer, or just someone who makes me feel good about myself again? While you can fully understand the want to feel good about yourself again, that is not in itself solid ground for marrying again. What will this new marriage do to my witness? What will it do to any children I have from my first marriage? Have I listened to their hurts? While remarriage after divorce may be 11

12 permissible, in certain limited circumstances, it is not always the wise or godly option. Sometimes it is, and I know of several couples who have been not just happily remarried, but who have truly grown as believers together in a second marriage, and become a real blessing to the church. What we must not do as a church is place a stigma around people who have been married and divorced, for God himself knows what divorce feels like. The church needs to rally round and embrace and encourage those who have been remarried after divorce. Perhaps this is the most important thing to say this morning we are all sinners saved by grace. God is constantly at work in messy situations. The family lives of Abraham, Isac and Jacob were awash with lying and cheating, sexual infidelity and manipulation. Yet this was the family line that God chose to lead to the Messiah, and build his plan of salvation. Let s keep a sky high view of marriage, as a permanent commitment, but let s also show love and grace to those who have been divorced and remarried, and are still following Christ in the middle of the mess. Ultimately there is mess in all our lives, and God is the champion of taking mess and remoulding it into something beautiful for himself, just as the Spirit hovered over the chaos of creation. God brings order out of disorder, and that s what we long for, pray for and plead with him to do in all the ways we find disorder in our own hearts, in our families, with our children, and in our fallen world. If the power of redemption needs to be felt anywhere in the church, it needs to be felt in broken families whom God is putting together again. But we must put them together God s 12

13 way, rather than follow the culture of a world that finds itself in such dislocation, precisely because it has abandoned God s good laws and gracious plans. May God bless the marriages in this church, and may we as God s people, present ourselves to Jesus as a bride, beautifully adorned in holiness and good works, for her heavenly husband. 13