Dating Violence. Resource Packet. Even if you think YOU are not being abused, please keep this packet.

Transcription

1 Dating Violence Resource Packet Even if you think YOU are not being abused, please keep this packet. You never know when you might need to help a friend!

2 Self-Assessment True or False? 1. Approximately 1 out of 3 high schools students are involved in abusive or violent dating relationships. 2. Victims of dating violence may be male or female 3. Popular people are not likely to be involved in violent relationships 4. Slamming a locker door or driving recklessly in a car to scare or intimidate your dating partner is one form of abuse in a dating relationship. 5. Jealously is one way to show your boyfriend or girlfriend how much you care for them. 6. Sometimes people make you so mad you can t help but push them around or hit them. 7. It is possible to be angry, or even argue with your dating partner without being abusive. 8. Most teens and young adults do not end their dating relationships after abuse begins. 9. Violent behavior between dating partners usually ends after marriage. *Answers in the back of packet

3 Quick Facts 1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a break-up. 1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse. More than 1 in 4 teenage girls in a relationship (26%) report enduring repeated verbal abuse. 80% of teens regard verbal abuse as a serious issue for their age group. Twenty-four percent of 14 to 17-year-olds know at least one student who has been the victim of dating violence, yet 81% of parents either believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don't know if it is an issue. Less than 25% of teens say they have discussed dating violence with their parents. Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser. Of the women between the ages murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend.

4 Is teen dating violence similar to domestic violence? Teen dating violence is similar to adult domestic violence in several ways: Both teen dating violence and adult domestic violence effect people from all socioeconomic, racial, ethnic and religious groups Both tend to show patterns of repeated violence which escalate over time Both tend to display violent and abusive behavior interchanged with apologies and promises to change Both tend to show increased danger for the victim when she is trying to terminate the abusive relationship

5 Checklist: Am I being abused? Answer the questions below. If you answer yes to two or more of them, you might be in an abusive relationship. Abuse isn't just hitting. It's yelling, threatening, name-calling, saying things like, "I'll kill myself if you leave me," obsessive phone calling, and extreme possessiveness. Are you going out with someone who... Is jealous and possessive toward you, won t let you have friends, checks up on you, won t accept breaking up. Tries to control you by being bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions, doesn t take your opinion seriously. Is scary. You worry about how they will react to things you say or do. Threatens you, uses or owns weapons. Is violent: has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, and brags about mistreating others. Pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary around sex. Thinks of you as a sex object. Attempts to manipulate or guilt trips you by saying If you really loved me you would Gets too serious about the relationship too fast. Abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them. Blames you when they mistreat you. Says you provoked them, pressed their buttons, made them do it, and led them on. Has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for all the problems. Believes that one person should be in control and powerful and that one person should be passive and submissive in a relationship. Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety.

6 Four Qualities Of A Healthy Relationship Trust Having faith in someone that he or she will do what they say they will do. Actions match the words and the words match the actions. Mutual Respect Respecting each other s opinion even if you don t agree (ESPECIALLY when you don t agree!!) Open Communication Feeling comfortable to express your thoughts and opinions, even about difficult topics. Being willing to LISTEN and TALK without yelling or using put-downs. Boundaries Physical boundaries involve touching and closeness. Emotional boundaries involve sharing feelings and thoughts. EVERYONE S boundaries are different and unique. How Healthy Is My Relationship? The following two pages contain two different lists, one of healthy relationship characteristics and one of unhealthy traits. Many relationships have a combination of both. The point of this exercise is to figure out what things in your relationship are healthy or unhealthy, so you can gain appreciation for the best things and decide what you want to change. Read both lists, and check the box next to every statement that is true about your relationship. **These lists are a way of identifying some of the healthy and unhealthy characteristics of your relationship- it does not cover every possible situation. I am evaluating my relationship with:

7 Is It Unhealthy? (Check the box if one of you ) Gets extremely jealous or accuses the other of cheating Puts the other down by calling names, cursing or making the other feel bad about him/herself Yells at and treats the other like a child Doesn t take the other person, or things that are important to him/her, seriously Doesn t listen when the other talks Frequently criticizes the other s friends or family Pressures the other for sex, or makes sex hurt of feel humiliating Has ever threatened to hurt the other or commit suicide if they leave Cheats or threatens to cheat Tells the other how to dress Has ever grabbed, pushed, hit, or physically hurt the other Blames the other for your own behavior ( if you hadn t made me mad, I wouldn t have ) Embarrasses or humiliates the other Smashes, throws or destroys things Tries to keep the other from having a job or furthering his/her education Makes all the decisions about what the two of you do Tries to make the other feel crazy or plays mind games Goes back on promises Acts controlling or possessive like you own your partner Uses alcohol or drugs as an excuse for hurtful behavior Ignores or withholds affection as a way of punishing their other Depends completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs

8 Is It Healthy? (Check the box if you and this person ) Have fun together more often than not Each enjoy spending time separately, with your own friends, as well as with each other s friends Always feel safe with each other Trust each other Are faithful to each other if you have made this commitment Support each other s individual goals in life, like getting a job or going to college Respect each other s opinions, even when they are different Solve conflicts without putting each other down, cursing at each other or making threats Both accept responsibility for your actions Both apologize when you re wrong Have equal decision-making power about what you do in your relationship Each control your own money Are proud to be with each other Encourage each other s interests- like sports & extracurricular activities Have some privacy your letters, diary, personal phone calls, etc. are respected as your own Have close friends & family who like the other person and are happy about your relationship Never feel like you re being pressured for sex Communicate about sex, if your relationship is sexual Allow each other space when you need it Always treat each other with respect

9 How can I tell if my friend is in an abusive relationship? Answer the questions below. If you answer "yes" to two or more of them, your friend might be in an abusive relationship. Does your friend show physical signs of injury? Are they doing worse in school, or has dropped out completely? Have they changed their clothing or makeup style? Have they lost confidence and have a difficult time making decisions? Have they quit normal after-school activities? Has your friend started using drugs or alcohol? Do they have mood swings or emotional outbursts? Has he/she isolated themselves from friends and family? Do they apologize for their boyfriend/girlfriend s abusive behavior? Do they seem overly worried about upsetting or angering their boyfriend/girlfriend? Here s how you can reach out If you are worried your friend is in an abusive relationship take action! Find time alone, just the two of you rather than a group of friends so they don t feel ganged up on. First say, I m worried about you. Ask them how things are with their boyfriend/girlfriend. If they say everything s fine, say, Well, I m glad, because and give examples about

10 why you re worried ( Michael s joke about your clothes made me cringe. I know you laugh those comments off, but they re insulting ). Victims of dating abuse usually feel isolated from friends and family. Remind them that someone is there you. BUT DON T SAY, Your boyfriend/girlfriend can be a real jerk. Go easy on the blame and name-calling don t use words like abuse or victim, which might scare them enough that they shut down. If they do shut down, don t push. Simply tell them you re there if he/she ever wants to talk. If he/she opens up about the abuse, say, This isn t your fault. No matter what you did, you don t deserve this. BUT DON T SAY, Why are you putting up with this? Abuse is murky. They are probably convinced that if only he/she knew how to dress right, or were thinner, then everything would go back to the way it used to be. All victims started a relationship with someone who treated them well. If your friend keeps talking, say, I know you re dealing with complicated stuff, and you have hard choices to make. Acknowledge their situation without trying to solve it for them. BUT DON T SAY, If I were you. However differently you think you would handle things, you can t truly understand all the issues and concerns along with the physical and emotional risks that weigh on them. Finish the conversation by saying, It must be so hard for you to keep it together you re a lot stronger than you think. Many people mistakenly think all abuse victims are weak or have low self-esteem and he/she might even think this about themself. Remind them of just how strong they are to be living in the shadow of abuse.

11 BUT DON T SAY, This is crazy or You re in denial, even if they are unwilling to change their situation. Give her/him time to think. Think about this: Sometimes you can t see the picture when you re in the frame. Remember to follow up, especially if you think their situation is getting more serious. At this point, you re in it, so you should feel comfortable speaking up. Say, I ve been thinking about what you told me, and I m beginning to feel like you might be in danger. Tell them you wouldn t feel like a good friend if you didn t share your concern with others who can help her. At this point, hand them a note with a phone number or website where they can get help. They will use it when they are ready, and you should feel good knowing you helped.

12 Remember: RECOGNIZE RESPOND REFER! Create a Safety Plan! Safety during an argument: 1. If we have an argument on a date and I feel unsafe, I will: (Who could I call to get a safe ride home? What would I do if I'm left in an isolated area? Do I have a cell phone?) 2. If we have an argument at school and I feel unsafe, I will: (Who could help you? Where could you be safe at school? Which teacher or counselor do you trust?) 3. If we have an argument in a house and I feel unsafe, I will try to have us discuss it in: (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons or in rooms without access to a door.) 4. I will use as my code word with my family and friends so that they can call for help. Safety in my home: 1. I will if he comes over and I am alone and feeling unsafe. (Who can you call to come over? Who can you call if you need help?) 2. I will if we get into an argument and I feel unsafe. (What exits are there in your house? Where are all the phones you can use to call the police?) 3. When he/she calls and I feel threatened I will: (Can you screen your calls with an answering machine? Change your phone number? Can you get call blocking on your phone?

13 What are protection orders? A protection order is a civil court order that is designed to stop violent and harassing behavior and to protect you and your family from the abuser. It offers civil legal protection from domestic violence to both female and male victims. Am I eligible to file for a protection order? You can seek legal protection from acts of domestic abuse committed by a "family or household member" against you or your minor child. This means you can seek protection from: A spouse An ex-spouse A present spouse of an ex-spouse Parents, grandparents, stepparents, adoptive parents and foster parents, Children, including grandchildren, stepchildren, adopted children and foster children, Anyone related to you by blood or marriage Anyone you live with Anyone you used to live with Anyone with whom you have had a child, even if you never married that person Someone you re dating Someone you used to date Note: A minor who is 16 or 17 years old can file for a protection order themselves. A minor who is under 16 years old must have an adult family or household member file on their behalf. A minor filling against an adult must file in a regular local court. Anyone filling against a minor age 13 or older must file in the local court with Juvenile Court jurisdiction.

14 How much does it cost to get a protection order? Do I need a lawyer? Generally, there are no fees for filing for a protection order. However, if the judge finds that the order was filed for frivolous reasons, they may decide to order the petitioner, or person filing, to pay certain court costs or attorney fees. You do not need a lawyer to file for a Protection Order. However, you may wish to have a lawyer, especially if your abuser has a lawyer. If you can, contact a lawyer to make sure that your legal rights are protected. Answers for Self-Assessment Quiz 1. T 2. T 3. F 4. T 5. F 6. F 7. T 8. T 9. F

15 Dating Bill of Rights I have the right to trust myself above all others. decent treatment by anyone I date. refuse to date anyone. be safe on a date. pay my own way on a date. be assertive on a date. suggest activities on a date have mutually consenting and pleasurable sex. refuse to have sex. be respected as a person. disagree with my date. say NO. refuse to lend money. ask someone not to interrupt me. get angry. fulfill myself with or without a partner in my life. determine who I will date. use my own transportation on a date. leave any dating situation when my instincts tell me to. prosecute for battery and sexual assault. receive emotional support and understanding. control my own destiny. be cared about. a healthy dating relationship!

16 Websites: YWCA Enid Crisis Line OR All calls are ANONYMOUS! Advocates can help with safety-planning, referrals or just be someone to talk to. Call anytime someone is available 24 hours a day!