ENGLISH-JOKES-2 BY - Vipul M Desai:

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1 ENGLISH-JOKES-2 BY - Vipul M Desai: ONE REQUEST TO YOU: IF YOU LIKE MY COLLECTION, PLEASE APPRECIATE BY PUTTING YOUR COMMENT/BECOMING THE MEMBER OF MY BLOG SINDHI OBITUARY A Sindhi rings the Times of India office to place an Obituary for his dead grandfather. Sindhi: How much does it cost to print an Obituary in the Sunday edition of the Times of India? Help Desk (TOI): Sir, we charge Rupees 50 per word. Sindhi: (Thinking)... Hmmm... Wari likho ni... "DADA DEAD". Help Desk (TOI): Sir, you have to give a minimum of five words. Sindhi: (Thinking harder)... Hmmm... Wari sochne do...likho ni... "DADA DEAD, HONDA FOR SALE ". A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

2 Ravan had 20 eyes but he sighted only one woman... You have only 2 eyes but you sight every woman. Now who is Ravan???????????????? Scientists are trying to figure out how long a person can live without brain.. Please tell them your age!!!!!! Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger? Son: I start cleaning toilet Dad: How does that satisfy you? Son: I clean it with your toothbrush. Munna bhai: agar bina daton ka kuta kate to kya karna chahiye? Circuit: simple, bina sui ke injection lena chahiye. Bikhari: 50 paise de de maine 3 din se khana nahin khaya hai Kanjoos: 10 rupaye dunga, pahele ye bata 50 paise mein khana kahan milta hai. Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 maale se gir gaya tha Banta: toh fir bach gaya ya mar gaya? Santa: yaad nahin hai bahut purani baat hai. Boy: mom, aaj mera dost ghar aa raha hai...ghar ke sab khilone chhupa do Mom: tera dost chor hai kya? Boy: nahin, woh apne khilone pehchan lega. Marriage problems Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...i told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, "Talking about love Marriages...I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."after a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems..gimme a break!!"

3 Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. Aadmi shaadi kyon karta hai? Takee vo marne ke baad agar Swarg jaye to achcha feel kare aur agar Nark jaye to homely feel kare... Why do Bride & Groom exchange "Varmaala" during wedding? To tell each other affectionately..sweetheart U R Dead Different Phases of a man: After engagement: Superman After Marriage: Gentleman After 10 years: Watchman After 20 years: Doberman There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it. Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir. When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake? Answer : On their Wedding!!

4 On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven. "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer??? Performance Pressure :::: Poultry farm ke malik ne tammam Murgiyon ko Order diya "Agar tum logon ne kal se Do -- Do ande nahi diye to kal se tumhara dana pani band " Murgiya dar gayi...sab ne do do ande diye. Magar ek ne sirf ek anda diya " Malik "tum ne 1 anda hi kyon diya "... Jawab mila.. "Sir ye aapke dar ki wajah se diya hai waise main to Murga hoon" A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?" The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

5 What's the opposite of "Dominoes"??? Tired of thinking??? Well the answer is "Domi doesn't know" Whats the opposite of "Pizza Hut" Okei don't kill me "Pizza Hutna mat" Whats the opposite of Go pala krishnan? Come pala krishnan. One day a man calls his wife from his IDEA mobile, his call gets cross connected to some other lady. They still keep on talking. They start liking each other. And finally they get married. What MORAL do u get??? An IDEA can change your wife. A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

6 Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again..." Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "my friend is dead! What can i do?" The operator says: "calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "Ok, now what?" An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a Indian. He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move. "You know," says the American to the Indian, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'Goods delivered are not returnable.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'Contract void if seal is broken.' What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes? Stay out of BED for two days. Doctor : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai. Man : Hoga, zarur hoga; 25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai.

7 What's the similarity between MOBILE and MARRIAGE? In both case you feel "aur thoda ruk jata to accha model milta" Ek admi sadhu se bola, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao. Sadhu bola, saale, upay hota to mai sadhu kyu banta? Man runs home shouting: Pack your bags darling. I just won the 10 Million lotto. Wife : Do I pack for the beach or mountains? Man : Who cares? Just pack and go back to your mother! I wrote your name on sand, it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. I wrote your name on my heart, And I got a heart attack. God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi. He saw me in dark, he created light. He saw me without problems, he created YOU. IT IS NOT NICE TO MAKE FUN OF SENIOR CITIZENS - YOU MIGHT JUST HAPPEN TO BE ONE. Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

8 The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the Kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don' t know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

9 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai? jab koi ladki shadi se pahle pregnant ho, Aur uski maa bole "HEY BHAGWAN YE TUNE KYA KIYA?" Baboo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son : "I will choose my own bride!" Baboo: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case...ok" Next Baboo approaches Bill Gates. Baboo: "I have a husband for your daughter. Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Baboo: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank. Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" Finally Baboo goes to see the president of the World Bank. Baboo: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. " President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Baboo: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law. President: "Ah, in that case...ok" This is how business is done! This is from an actual trial in the UK: A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

10 She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing she had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick did the trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' The case was dismissed......!!!!!!!! Heights of Communication Gap Mr. Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma?" "Yes... speaking" AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy. "What are you saying? It's in your files... HOW?????" "Yes... We have a system of finding out who's overdue" "GOD!!!!!!... This is too much..." "Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders... I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight.... he will speak to your company tomorrow " That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a CANDLE."

11 Little Johnny's at it again... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom." Two men met while both were looking for their lost wives. 1st: How yours look like? 2nd: She is 5"7, , Fair, Black eyes. What about yours? 1st: Forget mine. Let s find yours!! Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death. Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

12 What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? "Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever!!!" What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. Teacher: you know the importance of period? Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away. Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours??? No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints. Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential! Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex. Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know. Mother Faints In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter". To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!! After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from? To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only pro*titutes and football players!!!!! The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico ". To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

13 Ram Lal asking Bahgwan: ''Bahgwanji,mujhey dard de, mujhey dukh de, meri raton ki neend barbad kar de, mere din ka chain taba kar de, mere peechey bhoot laga de''... so Bhagwan said to Ram Lal: ''abbey saley saaf saaf ek line main bolo- mujhey bibi chahiye!'' Rabri Devi Died and Went To Heaven As She Stood In Front Of Yamraj, She Saw A Huge Wall Of Clocks Behind. She Asked, "What Are All Those Clocks?" Yamraj Answered, "Those Are Lie clocks. Everyone on Earth Has a Lie clock. Every Time You Lie, The Hands On Your Clock Will Move." "Oh," Said Rabri, "Whose Clock Is That?" That's Gautam Buddha's. The Hands Have Never Moved Indicating That He Never Told A Lie. "And Whose Clock Is That?" That's Abraham Lincoln's Clock. The Hands Have Only Moved Twice, Telling Us That Abraham Only Told 2 Lies In His Entire Life." Rabri Asked, "Where's My Laloo s Clock?" Laloo s Clock Is In My Office", Replied Yamraj... "I'm Using It as a Ceiling Fan." What are the three fastest ways of communication? Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman. Duniya mein manchalo ki kami nahin hai. Ab suraj ko hi dekh lo- Aata hai Usha ke saath, Rehta hai Kiran ke saath, Aur jaata hai Sandhya ke saath! A mad dog is chasing a sardar. The sardar laughs while running. Know why? He says mera to Airtel hai phir bhi Hutch ka network follow kar raha hai.

14 A for apple. B for bada apple. C for chota apple. D for dusra apple. E for ek aur apple. F for fokat ka apple. G for gol apple. H for ho gaya na pet kharab khake itne apple. The positive thinking poem. Little birdy in the sky, You look up and it shits in your eye. You don't mind and you don't cry, You just thank God that cows don't fly. Sardar Apni Wife Ke Sath Coffee Shop Gaya, hot Coffee order Ki, Coffee Atte Hi wife Se Bola Jaldi Jaldi pee. Wife Boli Kyu? Sardar Bola Hot coffe Rs. 5 and Cold Coffee Rs Sardarji went to party and introduced his family to his friends. I am Sardar and this is sardarney, this is my kid and this is my kidney. Sardar 2 Salesman, I Need Pink curtains for my computer. Salesman Sardarji Computer Doesnt Need Curtains. Sardarji: Oye i have windows installed. What do u call a fat woman waiting? Moti-vaiting. Nurse: Sardarji Mubarak Ho Aap Papa Ban Gaye!! Sardar: Meri Wife Ko Mat Bolna Main Usse Surprise Dunga!! What is the similarity between Mobile & Marriage? Thode Din Aur Ruk Jata To Thoda Acha Model Mil Jaata!!1 Why does Sardarji open his lunch box while walking on the road? To check if he is going to work or coming Back.

15 Saddam Hussain gets a chance to visit God. He asks him: 'God when shall I get my country back. God replies: 'Son, you will not see it in your lifetime.' Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying, is disappointed and walks away. Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God next and asks him: 'God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan?' God replies: 'Son, you will not see it in your lifetime.' Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts weeping and goes away. Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him: 'God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state.' Hearing this, God starts crying. Laloo is a little surprised and asks: 'God, why are you crying?' God replies: 'Son, I will not see that in MY lifetime.' I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that.. in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out... I D 1 0 T I used to like Harold. Well would neither be a tragedy and nor a great loss... President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

16 "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss." Gujju blood An Arab was admited in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars. Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner. The Arab replied "Bapu...now I have Gujju blood in my veins!" A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today.'

17 A newly married husband saved his wife's mobile number on his mobile as "My life" After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife" After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home" After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler" After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number" Ind PM : We are sending INDIANs to moon next year! Obama : WOW! How many? PM : OBC, 25 SC, 20 ST, 10 Handicpd,5 Sports person, 4 minority and if possible, 1 ASTRONAUT Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah. Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave people leave the room. Kantibhai says to him, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try' Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays. Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language. Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says `kem chho' The other candidate answers 'ek dam majama' Bill Gates was amazed to see both potential candidates talking fluently, friendly. He decided to hire both of them. TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered North America? CLASS: Maria.

18 TEACHER: JOHN: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: GLENN: TEACHER: GLENN: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' No, that's wrong Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: MILLIE: TEACHER: MILLIE: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' I is No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.' All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

19 TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

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