Democracy in the Family

Transcription

1 Democracy in the Family What s the matter with kids these days? They just don t listen! In my day my parents gave me the look and I knew it was listen or else! It s not that kids are that much different today. They still have the same genetic make up as in past generations, but they re being raised in a different environment with unique social influences and that impacts the way we parent. It also influences what strategies will be successful in correcting misbehavior and which approaches will find us right in the middle of power struggles. Just take a look at kids lives nowadays: With the information age in full force, children even in early elementary school are in constant contact with each other via social networking tools, namely cell phones and computers. They re bombarded with what everyone else does, wears, buys, or has. Children and parents hold to busy schedules, with little time left over for family time or for just being kids. And in the face of it all, there s more pressure on youth to succeed in academics, sports and music from an early age. In short, it s a lot harder being a kid today, which makes it a lot harder being a parent. As if technology and newfound pressures on kids aren t enough to complicate child-rearing, another factor that s rarely discussed is how society and, as a result, parenting have changed over the last several generations. Our homes have followed the outside world in becoming a democracy with as many opinions as there are seats around the dinner table. In previous generations, the styles of parenting, teaching, and managing workers were autocratic in nature. The person in charge (parent, teacher, and boss) made the decisions, gave direction, and handed out rewards and punishments as he or she saw fit. Children, students, and employees were to carry out the wishes of the superior without question. Input for decision-making wasn t requested or valued and the structure of authority was strictly vertical. Unless you were the top-dog, you were in a submissive position. Today, the workplace, the school, and society in general are very different; they ve moved in a more democratic direction. Input from employees is valued and actively solicited. Educators speak to children in a respectful voice, corporal punishment is banned, and children participate in the learning process through projects and group activity work. The dictatorial ( do it because I said so ) approach to education and management is a thing of the past.

2 We can see the same shifts happening at home. Two generations ago, you would have expected most families to include a father who worked outside the home and a mother who stayed with the children. The husband provided the income and made the rules while the mother and children obediently followed. Husband and wife were not equal partners in marriage, or in raising children. 2 Today, most families look very different. In many families, both parents work outside the home. Most husbands and wives view marriage and parenthood as a partnership and both have equal input into family decisions. Wives don t blindly follow the wishes of their husbands, and children observe this. It s laughable to imagine Dad ordering Mom to have dinner on the table when he walks through the door at 6:00 p.m. or else. That scenario would never fly today. Why? Because the norms of society and how we behave and interact with others have dramatically changed. The top-down, authoritarian approach to managing workers, teaching students and communicating with spouses isn t viewed as appropriate in today s society. Mom wouldn t submit to a because- I-said-so request from Dad, so why would our children feel good about blindly obeying a because-i-said-so directive from us? Kids are very sensitive to social climate, even more so than adults. They observe and understand that mom doesn t simply obey Dad s orders. They hear their teachers and coaches speak to them respectfully. They intuitively comprehend that the norms of society are more democratic and respectful. When we demand compliance with the do-it-because-i-said-so or don t-question-me-young-man approach, children instinctively see something wrong, or out of place, with that way of thinking. Kids quite naturally ask, Why should I have do what she says? or Who made you the boss of me? Such responses or attitudes infuriate parents. They think back to their childhoods and, fondly or not, remember how they would never cop that kind of an attitude with their parents. I hear all the time, I would never talk to my parents the way my kids do to me. What s wrong with these kids today? Well, what should we do instead? Just because demanding compliance isn t working that doesn t mean that today s kids are bad or disrespectful. They simply have a different outlook. Whether you think this is a positive societal change or not, let s face it, society isn t getting any less democratic. You ve probably said to your kids, this is not a democracy! However, to effectively change behavior and create harmonious, cooperative relationships with our kids, parents must learn to think, act and react in a more democratic way.

3 Now, don t panic! You won t be giving up or losing your parental authority. Democracy in the family doesn t mean that every decision is up for a vote. Parents are still the parents, the guides, and certainly the leaders of their families. 3 The Positive Parenting Solutions principles and tools in this course will help your family move in a more democratic direction. You ll learn respectful discipline methods that are far more effective than demanding compliance. You ll learn how to get your kids to listen and to do what they re supposed to do but without nagging, reminding, yelling or commanding. All while building stronger relationships with your children who are becoming more capable, independent, self-sufficient and responsible, right before your eyes. Democracy in Action Operating in a more democratic way doesn t require a 180-degree shift. It starts with recognizing a few basic tenets and being open to including kids in ageappropriate decision-making opportunities and making sure that kids also participate in a portion of the family work. According to Adlerian Psychology, which you ll learn more about in Session 1, democracy in the family means 1. Everyone deserves dignity and respect. Children, parents, and teachers deserve to be treated in a manner that s respectful and preserves individual dignity. For example, most adults would agree that it s not respectful to hit or strike another person. We wouldn t tolerate our child hitting us even if she were unhappy with us. And we certainly wouldn t tolerate a teacher or coach striking our child. Children also deserve the same respect from their parents. Even if a child directly disobeys, it s disrespectful to hit a child. It hurts the child physically and emotionally and it robs him of his dignity. If you use (or have used) spanking as a means of discipline, rest assured you ll learn more effective strategies for correcting behavior in this course. You ll learn proven tools that teach kids to behave appropriately and hold them accountable for their behavior when they make poor choices. You ll also learn tools that help you control your anger and allow you to respond in a calm and respectful way. You ll quickly find that nagging, reminding or yelling have become a thing of the past! 2. Everyone gets to share his or her opinions. This doesn t mean every issue is up for a vote! You re still the parent and maintain final decision making authority on issues such as:

4 Matters of health and safety. For example, the decision to wear a bicycle helmet or take necessary medications isn t up for discussion. It s the parent s responsibility to maintain the health and safety of the child and you make decisions accordingly. 4 Matters where children lack the appropriate maturity and judgment. If you ask a five year old to determine her bedtime you ll likely get an entertaining response. Obviously, young children don t have the ability to understand the implications of too little sleep and are therefore not in a position to determine their own bedtime. You re the parent and it s your job to make these decisions. Non-negotiables There are issues in each family that are considered non-negotiables. For example, which school the child attends, which video games are appropriate, or at what age a child can get a cell phone may be non-negotiable issues. These decisions are made by the parent and aren t up for debate or discussion. Period. Nevertheless, democracy in the family does mean that everyone is welcome to share his or her opinion and that those opinions will be thoughtfully and respectfully considered. It doesn t mean that the child will always get his or her way but instead, that everyone s opinions matter. Action item: In which family decisions can your child be more involved? Think of opportunities where you can invite opinions from everyone, so you can make more democratic decisions. Areas to consider are: meal planning, restaurant selections, vacation activities (within family budget), etc. In later sessions, you ll learn how allowing children to be involved in more family decisions (as appropriate for their age) will go a long way in avoiding power struggles. 3. Everyone contributes to family responsibilities. Because everyone in the family deserves dignity and respect, everyone must also share in the responsibilities of the family and home. Children enjoy many privileges (education, toys, vacations, etc.) so it s only fair that they also assume some of the responsibilities. Many parents feel they re handling a disproportionate amount of the family responsibilities doing the heavy lifting so to speak, while their kids enjoy all the privileges they provide. Once again, this imbalance didn t happen over night. Think about two or three generations ago many families operated a farm or family business and the children in those families participated in the ongoing functions of the farm or business. On the farm, younger children collected eggs and older children sold the eggs and other farm

5 products at a roadside stand. In a family restaurant, younger children wiped tables and filled saltshakers while older siblings served customers. 5 Previously, contributions made by the children played a significant role in the economic well being of the family. Today, we enjoy the extra help when we get it, but the contributions of children aren t required to keep our families afloat. Over time, parents have assumed more of the family workload, which leaves mom and dad feeling exhausted - but kids also miss out on the sense of significance that comes from making meaningful contributions to the family. To add to that, the abundance of available services today allows us to hire out for many of the tasks children once contributed to the family. We can hire out for services such as dry cleaning, lawn maintenance, house cleaning, window washing, car washing, and even meal preparation. These conveniences make family life easier and they re likely here to stay, but they do rob our kids of opportunities to make valuable family contributions. If you re looking to bring some balance to the imbalance of labor in your family, you ve come to the right place. Not only is it important for your sanity, it s important for kids to learn important skills (like cleaning toilets and folding laundry) they ll need later on in life. Contributing at home also fosters a strong sense of belonging and significance within the family. In Sessions 2, 3 and 4, you ll learn even more tools to get toddlers to teens contributing their fair share around the house and you ll be happy to get out of the nagging, reminding and yelling business to make sure the jobs get done! All of the principles and tools presented in Positive Parenting Solutions Online will help your family move in a more democratic direction. You ll learn respectful discipline methods that are more effective than demanding compliance. You ll implement strategies to engage your kids in a greater number of family decisions and train your children to make meaningful contributions in your family. Thanks for taking this important step for your family! Questions: info@positiveparentingsolutions.com