ROMANCE AND INTIMACY INTRODUCTION. I. Daily Romance and an Unending Honeymoon QUESTION/DISCUSSION:

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1 ROMANCE AND INTIMACY For the week of May 4-10 INTRODUCTION Over the last two weeks we ve looked at the unique, essential roles a husband and wife need to fulfill to achieve a godly marriage. This week, we ll turn our attention to another important element of amazing marriages romance and intimacy. Marriage is hard work, and often times it s easy to fall into routines that neglect or completely ignore the importance of romance and passion. I. Daily Romance and an Unending Honeymoon If we re honest with ourselves we have to admit that our culture primarily relegates romance to the fringes of a marriage. A marriage can fall into the trap where romance isn t really a priority aside from Valentine s Day, anniversaries, and maybe on a birthday. We need to break this pattern of behavior and realize that marriage isn t a chore, but rather something to be deeply enjoyed. That s not to say that every day needs to be an extravagant expression of passion, but we should cultivate an appreciation for the essential role of romance in marriage. Consider some of the following suggestions: Surprise the one you love by transforming your bedroom into a room for love. For example, candles, incense, flower petals on the bed, chocolate next to the bed, with special oil for a massage. Each day for a week send a romantic quote you found or wrote. Once a week take a shower or bath together by candlelight using a special oil, soap, or bubble bath. Create a photo album together that chronicles the love you share together and add to it each year. Plan a romantic getaway four times in the next year. It can be affordable, like a private place to have a picnic, or extravagant, like a penthouse. Practice learning how to give each other a great therapeutic/erotic massage. During the weeks leading up to your anniversary, write brief love letters describing what attracts you to the one you love. Take walks together holding hands like you are still teenagers. Prepare a special new meal together. Set up your dining room as a romantic restaurant. Find a classy romantic film from the black and white era to watch together. Go and try out some old favorite activities from when you were dating for a romantic, nostalgic evening. 1. How do spontaneous acts of romance compare to expected acts like Valentine s Day? 2. What practical steps will you need to take to implement a romantic lifestyle? 3. What other ideas can you think of to add fresh expressions of romance to a marriage? Page 1 of 6

2 II. Foundation for Intimacy Intimacy is obviously important for a marriage to be successful. There is so much more to authentic intimacy than just sexuality. The truth is, sexual intimacy is much more rewarding as you develop intimacy spiritually and emotionally in shared experiences. It s essential for your marriage that intimacy isn t just something you do, but rather something you are. That may sound abstract, but there are some practical things you can do to foster intimacy. Respect and develop intimacy at every level of life. Spiritual intimacy provides a sense of sharing together at the deepest level of life. A shared life includes the ability to be a listening, caring friend, as well as sharing in the intellectual, artistic, and musical interests in others lives. A broad basis of intimacy will discover life together. Look for ways to foster and build up your spouse each day spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It s extremely difficult to become intimate with someone who you don t feel values you. A broad range of intimacy will instill in each other a deep sense of security in your commitment, love, and acceptance. Respect the romantic power of communication. Avoid harsh, demeaning words at all cost. They destroy romance. Your daily body language and tone of voice must convey the value you have for each other. Don t live in neutral; live with passion! Pursue a growing, deepening intimacy that believes there is always room to grow in discovering greater pleasure that is only possible in the unique chemistry of your love for each other. 1. Discuss practical ways to broaden a couple s closeness spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and in being active together. 2. To discuss at home: Most couples feel quite connected in some areas and disconnected in others. In what areas of your marriage do you feel intimate? Where do you feel distant? What are some practical steps you can take to help improve intimacy in those areas? III. Physical Intimacy Physical intimacy seeks to express something much deeper than just the act of sex. The goal of physical intimacy is the expression of passion, value, and pleasure you have in the one you love. It s truly astounding how many couples do not have open, honest communication with each other in this area. Each couple has unique issues to sort through, but you shouldn t allow a sense of shame or embarrassment to prevent you from understanding and appreciating this essential part of marriage. Consider the following ideas that have the possibility to foster greater physical intimacy. Do not approach your spouse as a sex object, but as a cherished person. Pornography greatly weakens intimacy by disregarding the person you are with as a mere producer of your own pleasure with no real interest in your spouse. Tell your spouse, How I love all of you, in the way you envelop all that he or she is spirit, soul, and body into all that you are. Be sure to respond to your spouse as they discover ways to bring you pleasure in the way you sigh, move, etc. This opens the way to more confidence and freedom to discover and be discovered. Page 2 of 6

3 Be both spontaneous and very purposeful in your sexual relationship. There s a need for both. 1. When a couple is lacking in physical intimacy, what sort of strains and risks does that put on a marriage? 2. To discuss at home: Honestly consider the last time you had an open discussion about physical intimacy. In the next week, set aside some time to discuss it. Make sure you talk about desires and preferences as well as insecurities. IV. Express Yourself It is absolutely essential that you take time to actually communicate your love for each other in fresh ongoing ways. In most marriages there is indeed a deep undercurrent of love, but it may not ever get expressed. It s easy for women to think that men don t want to hear that kind of stuff and for men to think she knows I love her, I don t have to say it all the time. That s not true both men and women enjoy hearing how their spouse feels about them. Consider some of the following ideas: Take a moment to call, text, or your spouse when you think about them during the day. Even just small acknowledgements that you re thinking about them can make a big difference. Consider hiding notes in unexpected places on the dashboard, in their wallet/purse, on their toothbrush, etc. Pick up a blank card and actually write a love letter by hand. Before parting ways in the morning, take a few moments to actually express your love to your spouse before leaving. Read through the Song of Solomon and send your spouse texts of key verses for them to look up it s full of beautiful, romantic poetry. 1. Why is it dangerous to leave your romantic feelings unexpressed? 2. What are some of the most memorable expressions of love you can remember from your relationship? What made them so memorable? 3. Share other ideas to convey your love for each other. Page 3 of 6

4 V. Exposing the Myths of 21 st Century Sexuality You don t need to be a sociologist to realize that society continues to discard Christian beliefs on marriage and sexuality. These myths simply need to be addressed so that we don t find ourselves accepting cheap answers that are designed to distort God s vision for marriage and human sexuality. Myth 1: Sex before marriage is a must. You need to know what you ll get sexually. What is most important for great sexual intimacy is not sex before marriage, but to make sure you have the right foundational chemistry in areas of your relationship necessary for a successful marriage in general. This chemistry includes: 1. A shared value in unselfish love that is sincerely willing to adapt to each other to find a shared experience in every area of life. This is the most important. 2. A shared commitment to apply the wisdom of God s Word in everything from the Sermon on the Mount to the romantic, erotic Song of Solomon to your marriage. 3. A strong attraction to the many facets of a person that makes them especially appealing to you. 4. Not allowing various bad, wrong, or even great sexual experiences you had before marriage to rob you of the unique sexual bond that you can develop over a lifetime. Myth 2: Sex outside of marriage is better. The only way this is possible is if, as a couple, you have destroyed the things that make sex in marriage all it can be. It takes an ongoing commitment to invest in the things that maintain and deepen a romantic lifestyle (see section I). Often we are unwilling to pay the price for intimacy spiritually, emotionally, and physically. If that s the case, adultery becomes a strong temptation to find sexual pleasure apart from the necessary selfless efforts to develop genuine intimacy at home. Myth 3: Sex has no moral context. It s just another function of what humans do. This would be true if we were dogs, birds, or rats. It s not true for humans. Almost all humans have the God-given desire for shared intimacy that is exclusive, i.e. what marriage provides. To take the mating rituals of animals and liken them to the human experience is a real stretch. The poetry, music, drama, and emotion of loyal, romantic love is unequalled and not found anywhere except in the romance of humans. Sexuality is not just a function, it s a path to marriage for a lifetime. Myth 4: Marriage is meaningless it s just a piece of paper. Actually, what makes a marriage meaningless is becoming swayed by a me first mentality, which will not work in a marriage that is to last a lifetime. Marriage done right deserves a foundation of commitment that will be the basis for selfless love that both husband and wife commit to build a strong and enduring marriage. Myth 5: Homosexual sexuality is no different morally than heterosexual sex. Homosexuality is clearly referred to in the Bible as a sexual sin along with sex before marriage and adultery (1 Corinthians 6:12-20; Romans 1:24-32). The same thing it takes for us to master our sexual attraction before marriage, or when attracted to someone besides our marriage partner, is also to be expected with homosexual attractions. Though referred to by popular culture today, there is no evidence that homosexuality is genetic. It is much more likely that it is simply the result of yielding to sexual stimulation from the same sex. This is obvious in the many other forms of sexual pleasure people yield to from incest to adultery. Page 4 of 6

5 Myth 6: Pornography, prostitutes, strip clubs, etc. are acceptable because people partake of it willingly, and it doesn t hurt anybody. If God s original intention for sexuality was to create a unique and powerful bond for marriage, then these things do hurt a lot of people. They affect the marriages and children of those who share their sexual lives with countless people as if sex is of little value. They also imprint within you a source of sexual arousal that is a substitute for what should be developed in your marriage. 1. Discuss how these myths can influence a perception of marriage or sexuality. 2. How can you help your children not become believers in these myths? VI. Raising Children who Value God s Purpose in Romance and Sexuality Living out a godly expression of romance in your home is the single greatest thing you can do to elevate your children s understanding and value of romance. There is very little currently in our culture, in the media, or at school where these values will be found. It s up to us to take full responsibility for shaping this part of our children s lives. Consider a few specific things we can do to help our children achieve a godly perspective on sexuality: First we need to be aware of the level of sexual exposure our children experience. Many parents are still naïve to the level of exposure their children are having to sexuality. It s not likely your children will be fully honest with you about everything they have seen or heard. You are going to have to take personal responsibility to do some research. By discovering the common things kids their age are exposed to, you can begin a discussion about these things without forcing them to admit they have been exposed to or had questions about those issues. The raw power of our sexual drives being awakened and stimulated at a young age must be faced. It is vital that you help them understand their sexuality why they feel certain things, why they are attracted to certain things, and how to understand why God created those things to find a lasting and rich fulfillment in marriage. Pray for your children. God has been dealing with these issues in human society since the beginning of time. He has redeemed His gift of sexuality generation after generation to become something rich and beautiful that is the heritage of all who follow Him. God knows how to answer prayer. Make sure you pray that God will do what you could never do anyway to help your children come to terms with how to be in this world but not of it when it comes to romance and sexuality. 1. Why is a faithful, rich, romantic marriage the most important way to teach your children about sexuality? 2. What practical steps can you take to establish and maintain open communication with your children about sexuality in the 21 st century? Page 5 of 6

6 CONCLUSION God fully intends for us to enjoy marriage. Romance and intimacy are essential for marriages to not merely survive, but to thrive. Cultivating romance in your marriage not only fortifies your relationship with your spouse, but it gives your entire family a living example of God s intentions to look up to. There is no better way to reveal our culture s deceptions about sexuality and romance than to joyfully display the richness found in a godly marriage. Page 6 of 6