1 How to Deal with Emotionally Unavailable Men By Alexandra Fox Unforgettable Woman Publishing All Rights Reserved
2 Disclaimer How to Deal with the Emotionally Unavailable Man is copyrighted with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, steal, or distribute any part of this work without written permission from Unforgettable Woman Publishing. Anyone who attempts to violate this copyright will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. By using the materials presented in How to Deal with the Emotionally Unavailable Man, you agree that the materials presented are for personal entertainment purposes only and should not be considered legal, professional, or personal advice. You agree that you are responsible for your own actions. You understand that the Author assumes no responsibility for errors, accuracy, omissions, or any interpretation of the subject matter herein. The Author assumes no responsibility or liability whatsoever on the behalf of any Reader of these materials. When you use these materials, you agree to the Privacy and Terms listed on my website. You must be 18 or older.
3 Introduction On a lovely Monday morning, I was feeling perky and happy, sitting in front of my computer and writing a Dear Reader newsletter. Bing, I heard my computer notifying me that I've got mail. It was an from one of my loyal readers who has been with me for a while. It said, Dear Alexandra, You're great and very talented! I've been reading your newsletters religiously and very much enjoyed the advice and tips offered in them. My biggest challenge is the man I've been dating for a year and a half. He was so charming and fun at the beginning, but six months into the relationship, I've noticed that he's distant. Whenever I try to emotionally connect with him, I feel that he either avoids me, changes the subject, or tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm very much in love with him and want to take things to the next level. But I feel every time when I try to move things forward, I hit a wall. It seems like he has this emotional shield that I can't possibly go pass. What should I do... This how it all started. After this , I got a couple of more s from my loyal readers, who I love very much, about the difficulties dealing with emotional unavailable men. Gosh, aren't these men troublesome! They look and act very available at the beginning as charming, funny, considerate men. The only problem is that six months later, they're still in the phrase of Let's just have
4 fun and it's okay that we don't emotionally bond. If you talk with 10 women, more than half of them will probably tell you they have or are dating men who are emotionally unavailable and who won't commit. They'll tell you specific things that he does that immediately ring a bell in your head, Here's another one who's emotionally unavailable! What are some telltale signs that he might be the emotionally unavailable type? Here are Direct Clues He is uncomfortable expressing his love. He constantly distances himself when the relationship becomes closer. He gets uneasy when you ask how he feels about where the relationship is heading. When you ask what he's thinking (because you instinctively feel that something is not quite right), he avoids you by watching TV. He doesn't like to cuddle much. Foreplay is never his thing. He likes to go right to the action.
5 His parents have a rocky relationship (I know it's not fair to judge him by his parents, but you'll be surprised how accurate it is sometimes). He hates talking about feelings, what he's thinking, or gets annoyed when you push for answers. He doesn't like the idea of marriage. Here are Some Indirect Clues He has a very high opinion of himself. He has a tendency to seek admiration. He likes to say and do things in hope of receiving praise from others. He doesn't react well to criticism. He sometimes puts others down to elevate himself. He has an unrealistic view of himself (eg. He thinks he's a sex god!) He's fascinated by the rich and famous.
6 It's all about winning for him. What Does His Avoidance of Emotional Bonding Tell You About Him? An emotional bond, in a nutshell, is Communism. Yes, you heard me right! It's all about SHARING, in this case, sharing the essence, the core, and the absolute you with the other person. Within an intimate relationship, the two people know each other's deepest feelings and innermost desires. As you can see, an intimate relationship is very OTHER-ORIENTED, rather than SELF- ORIENTED. It's not just you as one person anymore. It's two people, a male and a female, connected by a special emotional bond. For certain types of guys, this kind of intimacy is very scary for the following two reasons: First, if he's a very SELF-ORIENTED person, meaning that everything is about him and what's in it for him, an intimate relationship that's very OTHER-ORIENTED doesn't sound like a good deal for him. Suddenly, he can't just do things that make him happy. He has to think about what she wants, what she likes, and how to make her happy.
7 Second, being in an intimate relationship requires each of the two partners to show their true colors. No more of those polished exteriors to hide what's really inside. This takes a lot of courage. I have to admit that it took me a long time to get used to this. We all have our insecurities. Remember, how Bridget Jones got uncomfortable with her wobbly bits in front of Mark Darcy? Yup, we all have our wobbly bits, maybe not physically, but there are things in our lives that we really hope people will never find out. Thus, for a man who may not be very conformable about revealing his imperfections, an intimate relationship sure doesn't sound fun. Why They are Who They are? Although there are certain exceptions, the men who are emotionally unavailable normally have had a childhood that involves an unloving parent. After not receiving enough love, these men automatically developed a defense mechanism that uses emotional distance to prevent pain. Here's how they normally rationalize this defense system: If I won't allow myself to care or form any intimate relationships with a woman, I will always be safe and no one can hurt me or abandon me again like my estranged mother (or father) has done.
8 So, as you can see, the center of his problems is really his fear of being hurt or abandoned again by a loved one. Every time when a woman tries to open her arms and get closer to his heart, he gets extremely uncomfortable and fearful of the prospects of possible abandonment in the future. As a result, he pulls away. His Insecurities about Himself In addition to his self-developed defense mechanism against forming intimate relationships, emotionally unavailable is also insecure about who he is. Again, this goes back to his early childhood when he didn't get adequate love from his mother or father. Although it's totally irrational, he may have believed that the reason his parent didn't love him was because he was not good enough and he was undeserving of love. When a woman like you comes along, he's afraid that when you get really close to him and discover who he truly is under the charming, confident exterior, you'll leave and abandon him just like his parent had done.
9 He Seeks External Sources of Validation Money, fame, power, beautiful women, powerful friends, nice cars, nice houses These are just some of the things that provide validation for his sense of self. He uses worldly success to prove to people and HIMSELF that he's good enough. In his professional life, you'll see many clear signs of success. Why are We Attracted to Him? Confident, charming, attractive, athletic, and competitive. Here are just a few words to describe these men. Because of their focus on the external representations of worldly success, they trigger a woman's attraction towards a successful, confident, competent, socially dominant male who is physically attractive. From the evolutionary point of view, it's in a woman's genes to feel attracted towards the men who are the best providers for her and her offspring. Well, who's a better candidate than a man who gives all the visible cues of success?
10 Plan A or Plan B? Plan A: If you're not yet in love with him, you may want to give it a second thought. I'm not saying you should break up with him. I'm just saying, give it a second thought and give it a third thought. Compared with men who are emotionally secure and who are comfortable with intimate relationships, a woman has to work harder and deal with more problems. Plan B: All right, my dear! You love him, love him, love him! You've thought about it and it's too late to get out. If you really want him and are sure of it, I'll help you get there. In what follows, I will talk about the characteristics that these men find attractive. What He Looks for in His Romantic Partner This type of man looks for two things: (1) a mirror image of himself, or (2) his ideal self (someone he hopes to become). For him, romantic love is not really about love, intimacy, or the other partner. It's more about how his image of himself is being reflected in this two-person dynamic. He is attracted to a woman who can externally match him, either through physical beauty or worldly success, as well as someone who can internally match him, either
11 through similar love style or similar way of thinkings (such as a me-centered way of seeing the world or a me-centered way in social interactions). 4 Characteristics that He's Attracted To Attractive Characteristic #1: Self-Sufficiency As someone who dislikes emotional intimacy, he is attracted to a self-sufficient woman. It's extremely attractive and relaxing for him to know that she won't need much emotional or financial support from him. She can handle her own life and satisfy her own needs by herself, including both emotional and material needs. For example, if one of her needs is to have 10 pairs of new shoes a month, she'll have the financial resources to buy them. If one of her needs is to feel happy and fulfilled, she'll have a social network in place. And, most importantly, she's able to be happy just by herself. She doesn't need a friend or a man to make her feel good. She's financially and emotionally self-sufficient.
12 Attractive Characteristic #2: Ambition This goes more along the line of being a woman who has her own goals in life and who wants to achieve things for herself. For some women, having a happy family, being a good mother and a good wife are what they want to have. This is an admirable dream! But for him, this is not very attractive. A self-centered man likes a woman who wants to create her own interesting, adventurous, exciting world that he can be part of, rather than the other way around. Therefore, an independent woman who wants to focus on non-family oriented goals will be what he's looking for. Attractive Characteristic #3: Little Need for Emotional Intimacy We've talked before about how a self-centered man is most comfortable when he is emotionally detached. He feels the safest and is most relaxed when he knows that there's no way he'll be hurt or abandoned again. Because of this, he likes the company of a woman who allows him to be himself, to be conformable, and not feel guilty about being emotionally closed down. A woman who's in love with this type of man should have a very established support system with trusting friends and caring family members, because she won't get enough emotional support and intimacy from her man.
13 Attractive Characteristic #4: Non-Caring (and I'm not kidding about this one!) Being caring is a good quality to have, but not in the case of dating and having a relationship with a man who's afraid of intimate relationships. When a woman lets her nurturing side and caring personality surface, he will be on guard, suspicious, and try everything to resist her attempts to soften him up. Leave him be! Let him know that if he needs something, you'll be there. 3 Characteristics He's NOT Attracted To Unattractive Characteristic #1: Neediness Being needy means that a woman demands constant attention from him. If he doesn't call every day or tell her how much he likes her all the time, she feels insecure. These characteristics are not attractive in dating in general, but they are extremely unattractive for men who don't like intimate relationships. She has to be selfsufficient, self-reliant, and independent. That's his type. I personally think it's a bit too much for a woman to never be needy and I personally think it's perfectly healthy for a woman to have a strong shoulder to lean on during tough times. But neediness is not something this type of man likes in a woman.
14 Unattractive Characteristic #2: Strong Need for Emotional Intimacy and Open Communication Some women's love styles are more geared towards open communication, shared feelings, and a strong need for emotional intimacy. I think this love style will make these women perfect candidates for certain types of men who are NOT afraid of intimate relationships. As we talked before, emotional intimacy is very other-focused, rather than self-focused. This means that a person experiences emotional intimacy when he or she tries to understand the other person and step into the other person's shoes, which is not something the self-centered man is comfortable doing. Unattractive Characteristic #3: Mediocrity Because of his overachieving personality, he may have a hard time relating to a woman who's okay with just being average. One thing a self-oriented man loves is a woman who is constantly striving to succeed. She wants to improve her mind and learn about this world to become a more informative, more knowledgeable, and more sophisticated person. Focus on yourself, your own priorities in life, you'll get a self-oriented man hooked.
15 Finally, the Million Dollar Question, Can I change him? Yes and No! I know I'm starting to sound like a politician, but I won't be cynical here and say you can never change him. Give both of you a chance! Here's the way to change him, providing that he can be changed: Have a talk with him and cover the following things: You need to look calm and be calm. If you feel annoyed or angry during this talk, stop it and do it another day. Tell him that you love him and you've realized that being emotionally intimate is not something he's very comfortable with. Tell him that being emotionally intimate is something very important to you and you don't think you can be truly happy in a relationship without it. Tell him that you want to give both of you a chance to work this out. Finally, the most important part is to give him a deadline. I think anywhere between 3 and 6 months is a good time table. You can say this, I really want to work this out during the next months. I sure hope you can become
16 more emotionally open with me by then. But I know that I can't change who you are. If by the end of months, we still can't solve this problem, I will have to regretfully walk away. If after that time period, you have noticed that he made a big effort to be more emotionally open with you, CONGRATULATIONS, you've found a good man who loves you and who is willing to change for you. If after that time period, he hasn't changed how he behaves, I want to say this: You deserve to be in a relationship that makes you happy. He has proven to you that he won't change. Giving him more time won't turn him around. Either he's willing to make the efforts or he isn't. So, accept the fact that he is not the man who can truly make you happy and move on. It will be painful for a while, but trust me, time will heal the wounds. I've cried on my pillows every night for weeks when I broke up with an ex like this, but I did it and you can too. Think of it as a bad flu! It feels so terrible when you have it, but you will get over it Yes, you will!
17 Conclusion To wrap this up, if you want a man who's emotionally unavailable to bond with you, the best thing you can do to is to focus on yourself, improve your self, and worry less about him. The more you revolve your life around yourself and what makes you happy, the more he will be intrigued. The more exciting your life is, the more he will want to be a part of it. The more self-reliant you are, the more he will want to be there for you. The more you don't need emotional intimacy, the more he will be OPEN to the idea of establishing an emotional bond with you. I know this is counterintuitive! But if you want to bond with an emotionally unavailable man, this is the way to do it! Take good care of yourself and always PUT YOU FIRST! Love and Success, Alexandra Fox
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