Imago relationship therapy and Christian marriage counseling

Transcription

1 Imago relationship therapy and Christian marriage counseling By JACOBUS HARMS DE KLERK Dissertation Presented as partial fulfillment for the degree MA (THEOLOGIAE) In PRACTICAL THEOLOGY AT THE THEOLOGY SEMINARY AUCKLAND PARK AND THE RAND AFRIKAANS UNIVERSITY Faculty of Arts Department Biblical and Religious Studies Supervisor: Prof. W. J. Hattingh Co-supervisor: Prof. H. Viviers Student Registration number :

2 Summary Marriage it seems has always been a key element in the family systems of the western world. The joining of two people of the opposite sex in a unity bond, with the purpose of creating a system to produce children and bring them to adulthood. These marriage bonds usually start with a romantic love affair between the partners that lead to a permanent joining in some form of marriage. It is these long term bonds that seem to suffer from endless pursuits to find a way to be joined for a lifetime. In most of the western world the divorce rate between couples average fifty pe People from all walks of life seem to suffer the same fate and Christians specifically do not seem to indicate a higher rate of marital success. The faith and biblical principals Christians adhere to is a strong motivator to keep people together but does not have all the practical answers for the co-habitation of to individuals in a long term relationship. Christian marriage counseling possess several unique traits that enhances their counseling processes but does not indicate to have a significant higher success rate than an other form of marital counseling. Imago relationship therapy is an approach to relationship counseling that offers some new ideas and methods. It combines several principals from different psychological therapeutic approaches into a unique relational approach. Based on the belief that the relationship is a systemic it approaches the couple as a unity and all therapy is done with both partners present. The approach uses several practical exercises to foster emotional connection between the partners and teach them new relational and communication skills. This approach indicates a high success rate and seems to seamlessly flow with normal Christian counselling. The principals of Christian marriage counseling can be enhanced and put into practice by using the imago techniques. It is deducted that Imago relationship therapy can easily be integrated into a Christian marriage counseling approach and produce good results 2

3 OUTLINE OF CHAPTERS 1. PROBLEM STATEMENT, MOTIVATION FOR STUDY AND RESEARCH METHODS 1.1 Problem statement and motivation for study 1.2 Research methods 1.3 The structure of the study 2. THE IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY MODEL 2.1 The character and philosophy of Imago Relationship Therapy 2.2 The counseling aims of IRT 2.3 The power struggle 2.4 The building of an Imago 2.5 The theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy 2.6 The importance of regressive work and the implementation thereof in Imago Relationship Therapy 2.7 The concept of a marriage space between the couple 2.8 The role of the Therapist in IRT 2.9 The processes of Imago Relationship Therapy 2.10 Couples Workshops 2.11 The effectiveness of IRT 3. CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING 3.1 The character of Christian marriage counseling 3.2 Understanding marriage from a Christian perspective 3.3 What makes a happy marriage according to the Christian perspective 3.4 The reasons for marriage problems from a Christian perspective 3.5 The methods used in Christian marriage counseling 3.6 The role of the Pastor in Christian marriage Counseling 3.7 The problems of Christian marriage counseling 3.8 Tension Issues between biblical values and directives, and modern marriage perceptions in Christian marriage counseling 3

4 4. THE INTERACTION BETWEEN IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY AND CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING 4.1 How do the aims of IRT blend with the aims of Christian marriage counseling? 4.2 Departure points 4.3 Notable differences between IRT and Christian marriage counseling 4.4 Areas of harmony and enhancement 4.5 The dynamics of being one In Christ in marriage and facilitating personal growth 4.6 Interaction between IRT and Christian Marriage counselling with regard to personal growth 4.7 The role of the Pastor as Christian counselor and IRT 4.8 Conclusion 5 APPLICATION OF IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY IN A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING PRACTICE 5.2 Introduction 5.3 IRT and Spiritual ministry 5.4 Communication as prerequisite 5.5 The role of the Pastor or Counselor in the use of IRT 5.6 Guidelines for the use of IRT in Christian counseling 5.7 Cases where IRT may not be effective 5.8 Conclusion 6. CONCLUSIONS AND SUMMARY 6.1 Introduction 6.2 Observations 6.3 Conclusions with regards to the use of IRT in Christian marriage counseling 6.4 Recommendations for future study REFERENCES Addendum - Case studies 4

5 Chapter 1 PROBLEM STATEMENT, MOTIVATION FOR STUDY AND RESEARCH METHOD 1.1 RESEARCH PROBLEM AND MOTIVATION FOR STUDY A family, based on a marriage between two heterosexual people that produces children in a family setting, is held in Christian circles as the norm and ideal. This may be especially true of the Christian cultures of the western world. The communities of our day however, are experiencing a period of constant change with the dawn of the Post-modern generation where all things are perceived as relative and changeable. It seems that this has in recent times also affected the institution of the marriage, and that alternative structures of relationship and family set-ups are becoming more socially acceptable in the traditional Western Christian settings. It seems as if the traditional view of the sacredness of marriage has become negotiable and relative in today s world. This is supported by the views expressed by Matthews and Hubbard. They concluded that in the present culture having possessions is being more highly valued than being in relationship and living in community. Furthermore they say that at some very prestigious academic institutions like Harvard and Yale, traditional Christian values are being rejected. Many distinguished academic, professional, and religious leaders have recently identified themselves specifically as advocates of alternative forms of family relationships, affirming marriage as only one of several acceptable options for family life (Matthews & Hubbard, 2004:35). Today the terms single parent families and re-assembled families are frequently used to refer to modern-day families, because divorce has become an acceptable solution for marriages that do not find harmony and happiness. This has resulted in a 5

6 community in South Africa, where divorced families are becoming socially more acceptable. In our post-christian world, the patterns of thinking and living that characterize the emerging culture carry the stamp of post-modern influence. This indicates that the value of the individual and his own needs for gratification is being put above all other values. The institution of marriage therefore is also considered to be in service of the individual. (Matthews & Hubbard 2004:35-40). The church is facing a crisis in that it seems that dedication to Christian norms and values do not offer a guarantee against relationship failure. It also seems that a true belief in Jesus Christ and a conversion to the Christian faith is not an automatic safeguard against the factors that destroy families. This is evident from the high statistics of divorce among Christians. All indications are that the divorce rate among Christians is not significantly different from any other group (Matthews & Hubbard 2004:34). Practical experience in the field seems to indicate that even a high percentage of members of the Clergy are battling to make their marriages survive. A further complicating factor is identified: not all answers to modern-day marriage challenges can be derived and fully addressed from the Bible. The question needs to be asked whether the bible can serve as a marriage counsellor s guide book. Christians also generally presume a working knowledge of Christian marriage and an understanding of Biblical references about marriage that in reality falls far short of the mark (Matthews & Hubbard 2004:153). Adding to this problem is the cultural change in society brought about by the emancipation of women. With the emancipation of women, families have moved out of the traditional patriarchal system of family structuring, to a marriage of equals. This means that we have moved from, traditionally arranged marriages for the 6

7 purpose of order and provision, into marriages of choice between consenting partners. This is confirmed by Matthews and Hubbard (2004: ). These marriages, based on romantic love and personal need can be inherently unstable and may have turned sour because of disillusionment and conflict (Brown 1999). These circumstances have resulted in a situation in our society, in which God s original design of family structure is being amended. His original plan (as understood in Western Christian circles), which will create a secure environment for the marriage partners to find love and acceptance, in which children can thrive, is now disappearing. This general break-up of traditional family structures, is negative to the community, and hampers the growth and stability of the next generation. Practical experience when working with divorcing couples indicates that, when marriage break-up happens to Christian families, it also creates questions around their faith, beliefs and values. Indications are that divorce between Christians can influence the individuals relationship with God and result in a distancing and sometimes a divorce from God. 1.2 RESEARCH PROBLEM AND OBJECTIVES It appears that the church, the clergy and Christian counsellors face the same difficulties in marriages as those faced by non-christians. This emanates from the experience of Christian marriage counsellors and the high divorce rate among believers. This also seems to indicate that a belief in Jesus Christ, and the adherence to biblical and Christian values, does not necessarily guarantee that the person will be able to build a happy and strong relationship with someone in a marriage relationship. The identification of the problem is that, although a relationship needs to be based on values and beliefs, it also needs personal and relational skills in order to build a happy 7

8 marriage. It is assumed that the tools needed to make a marriage happy, might be contemporary and culturally bound, and should be acquired and learned. These skills might not all be available and easily extracted from the Bible, and might not necessarily be a result from normal Christian marriage counseling.. Christian marriage counselling, as it is termed, does not claim to be more effective than any other method of counseling. The problem therefore is that our methods of application seem not to be able to harness to power of God in such a way as to make Christian counseling more effective than other forms of counselling. The subject area to be investigated is to see whether it is possible to enhance Christian marriage counseling by means of the use of another model to facilitate a greater effectiveness. This study will endeavour to examine the use of a model that will help a couple to develop the necessary relational and personal skills needed to build a happy and fulfilling Christian marriage relationship. 1.3 RESEARCH METHOD A brief literature study of the Imago Relationship Therapy model ( IRT) will be done to give an overview of the values, methods and aims of Imago Relationship Therapy. This study will be motivated, with reference to specific case studies from publications and from the writer s personal relationship/counseling practice. The character of Christian marriage Counseling as practised in Christian circles today will be explained with reference to its problems and shortcomings. The writer will endeavour to establish whether IRT is a usable model in Christian marriage counseling with reference to possible problems and limitations. He will conclude with general guidelines, and comments, with reference to usable methods. 8

9 1.4 THE STRUCTURE OF THE STUDY Chapter two focuses on IRT to show its contemporary style and eclectic use of different strengths derived from the various approaches in psychology. IRT will be explained so that the reader will understand the importance of establishing a connection between the couple in therapy and thereby creating a healing environment for the individual as well as for the relationship. Chapter three will focus on the character of Christian marriage counseling as practised today. Specific problems and shortcomings as experienced by therapists will be highlighted. Some areas of conflict between contemporary views on marriage and biblical values will be addressed. The study will look at the problem issues between biblical values and directives, and modern marriage perceptions within the context of Christian marriage counseling. The views concerning the role of a wife in marriage, will receive attention in this chapter to show the dilemma we face with the move to modern-day relationship and family structures. Attention will be given to the biblical directives concerning marriage and relationships and whether they are models or values. Chapter four will focus on the interaction between IRT and Christian marriage counseling, and look at possible differences and/or similarities between the two. This will be done in order to establish whether IRT has sufficient harmonies with biblical values to be used in Christian marriage counseling. Chapter five will be dedicated to the application of IRT in Christian marriage counseling. Attention will be given to usable techniques and their aims in counseling with reference to what biblical values would be emphasized by using that technique. 9

10 Some case studies will be added to highlight and motivate the principles and aims of therapy. This should help the Christian counselor to evaluate if IRT can be used to create a healing environment in the marriage, and which methods he/she can use to achieve certain counseling goals. The end goal will be to establish if the IRT model is a usable model in Christian marriage counseling. Chapter six will be dedicated to conclusions and a summary of the study. Certain recommendations and possible future study will be indicated. This study will use the English spelling rules in US format and the Harvard reference method as per Kilian (1989). 10

11 Chapter 2 THE IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY MODEL 2.1 The character and philosophy of Imago Relationship Therapy Imago is best described by Luquet and Hannah (1998:13): Imago Relationship Therapy is a relational paradigm approach that is designed to increase couple communication, correct developmental arrests, heal wounds from childhood, and promote differentiation of the partners, while restoring the connection between them. Luquet and Hendrix (1998) add that Imago is a relational model of couple therapy that utilizes behavioral, affective, and cognitive interventions to facilitate understanding and change within the dyad. The purpose of IRT is to restore the original spiritual and emotional connection between the partners as individuals to create a new purpose for the marriage. The aim is to create a healing environment or living space in which each partner can heal from his/her needs that have not been met (unmet needs) and feelings of neglect and worthlessness. IRT uses a set of communication tools built around the basic Couple s dialogue technique, to create a new way of communication between the partners. 2.2 The counseling aims of Imago Relationship Therapy IRT processes recreate the connection that was lost in childhood between the person and his/ her caretakers, one that became severed again in the couple s power struggle. Luquet and Hannah (1998:16) state that IRT guides the couple in using the partnership as a resource for healing, problem solving and growth, enabling greater personal fulfillment as the partners deepen their connection. The main focus is to create a healing connection. This becomes possible only when there is enough emotional safety between the partners. To create this safety, the damaging, bruising and degrading habits must be removed from the relationship. 11

12 One of the main differences between Imago and other approaches to therapy, is that IRT sees the couple, rather than the pathology of the individual as the centre and the client. The essence of how Imago sees relationship and the individual therein is probably best illustrated by the word of Harville Hendrix: Imago therapists operate from the assumption that when connection is restored and stabilized, what appears to be individual or systemic pathology disappears. They believe that the therapeutic method that achieves this healing is a dialogue process that enables the couple to break their symbiotic fusion, differentiate as separate selves, drop their projections, and connect with the subjective reality of each other (Harville Hendrix in Brown, R 1999:XI). Brown (1991:18) describes Imago as: The heart of Imago therapy is helping couples learn to safely connect to each other and have more empathy for one another s pain through the specific intentional tool the couple s dialogue. Hannah M.T. et al, (1997) state, that the healing is achieved in part by creating empathy for each other s woundedness, and that IRT also includes psychoeducational processes designed to facilitate a paradigm shift, which enables couples to view their relationship from a new and more positive perspective. This is done through short lectures in combination with the IRT techniques. The counseling aims of IRT focus on changing the relationship between the partners to an environment where healing can take place for the individual. This healing occurs through the connection and empathy between them, when they see each other s pain. 2.3 The Power-struggle The power-struggle refers to the unique unconscious process within every couple where one or both of the partners fight to get their unmet needs and longings fulfilled. Because most of these unmet needs come from childhood they are unconscious and are usually not cognitively known to either of the partners. 12

13 The power-struggle usually consists of one or both partners accusing the other of doing things that hurt him or her, or accusing the other of not doing the things necessary for the relationship. The Power-struggle is therefore a pattern of recurring actions and re-actions in the relationship driven by the unconscious cry of each partner s unmet and unknown desires. Luquet and Hendrix (1998) describe this as a process where each partner is seeking to be understood by the other. The partners get frustrated because the other is also suffering from the same competing wounds. This prevents them from seeing the other, but leads them into a self-absorbed state, where they start to focus on themselves and begin to generate cognitive distortions and ideas about the other. This unconscious power struggle is what destroys the intimacy and pushes the couple apart. This could very well be the key to understanding all relational problems. 2.4 The Building of an Imago Imago is a Latin word that means image specifically, the final stage of a butterfly after metamorphosis. The basic philosophy behind IRT is that every human being forms an unconscious picture of the ideal caretaker, during his interaction with his primary caretakers in childhood. This picture is called an IMAGO. During childhood the caretakers can never fulfill all the needs of the child and will unwillingly and mostly unknowingly, hurt the child by not fulfilling the childhood needs, or emotionally wound the child because of their own disabilities or wounds. The child will, all through adulthood, long to complete these childhood stages, and heal the childhood wounds. She/he will form a picture of the ideal life partner that will be able to understand his or her own childhood wounds and unmet needs. This Imago picture embodies the good and bad characteristics of the caretakers. When in later adult life a person is met who fits this Imago picture, the individual will fall in love with that person. This is motivated by the unconscious desires to complete the unmet needs of childhood. A person therefore chooses someone with the same basic unmet childhood needs and experience. This is certainly confirmed by 13

14 Brown (1999:9) who says: We tend to be drawn to someone who has similar positive and negative traits to that of our early childhood caretakers. Because the chosen person is usually a person with the same type of childhood wounds and unmet needs, he/she is therefore by definition the person who would best understand the make-up of the other. Such a person is, in reality, the person least able to fulfill those needs, because they are also struggling to heal from their own unmet needs in childhood. This healing can only occur in a relationship. Brown emphasizes the importance of this concept in a relationship. The healing that needs to occur, will only occur in the context of a relationship, the person then chooses an Imago partner with whom to complete this childhood journey of unmet needs (Brown 99:16). This longing to heal is the primary source of the power-struggle in a relationship when each partner is manipulating or unconsciously trying to force the other partner to fulfill his or her unmet needs. This process is described by Pat Love and Sunny Shulkin, as a process in which we are attracted to the person who brings us the form of love that feels familiar, for better or worse. We unconsciously partner with a person who has the same negative characteristics of our caretakers (i.e. smothering, neglect, controlling etc.). If we could get that person to love instead of abandoning or controlling us, it would feel as if we are finishing the unfinished business of childhood or completing the gestalt. Our earliest experiences with caregivers gave us our impressions of love and connection. Through interactions with the people who raised us, we formed our expectations of relationships. These expectations live with us today and color our experiences with others especially a primary love partner (Love & Shulkin 2001:67). Although these factors fuel romantic love, they also constitute emotional and characterological incompatibility, precipitating a power struggle in the relationship. It seems nature brings incompatible people together as a means of healing and growth (Hendrix and Hunt 1999). 14

15 The following exercise can be used to establish your own IMAGO (Adapted from the work of Harville Hendrix and Pat Love): MY IMAGO A. Thinking back to your childhood from birth to 18 years, list some of the negative Characteristics of the people who raised or influenced you (for example: angry, withholding, depressed, critical, busy, abusive, rigid) Now choose the three most important ones. B. Now list their positive characteristics (e.g. loving, caring, affectionate, supportive, present, nurturing, funny, giving, smart) Now choose the three most important ones. C. Think back to your childhood and how life was for you. Recall what you wanted and needed most as a child, specifically your heart s desire (for example: to be seen, to have a normal family, get attention, to be hugged, to be accepted, to be valued, to be to be praised, etc). Now choose the three most important ones. D. Now recall the happiest memories of childhood. These can be with your family, friends, in school, etc. Then list how you felt during these happy times 15

16 (for example: happy, loved, valued, competent, confident, excited, secure, and calm). Now choose the three most important ones. E. Finally think back on the frustrations of childhood, not just with your family, with anyone, and describe how you responded to the frustrations (for example: by getting angry, withdrawing, trying harder, keeping to myself, giving up, blaming myself, blaming others, fighting, taking care of myself, etc.). Now choose the three most important ones. After you have completed the entire exercise please enter the words, from the most important fields, into the spaces listed below to get a picture of your IMAGO I am attracted to a person who is: (words from a), and I expect him/her to be (words from b), so that I can get (words from c), and feel (words from d), But I stop myself from getting this sometimes by(words from e). This is my Imago and Image of love. 16

17 2.5 The Theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy To understand relationships and the dynamics behind our instinctive behavior it is important to understand the meta-theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy. A child is born with full vitality (aliveness) and energy to learn about his/her world. In this process of learning, the child interacts with his/her primary caretakers and learns through them about his/her world and how to react to it. This learning journey prepares the child to function as an adult in this world, and live in relationships. If the caregivers are able to keep the child safe through all of his/her journeys, he/she will learn that the world and relationships is a safe place to be. The opposite is also true. When a child has to fight for survival through these journeys he/she will perceive the world and relationships as an unsafe place where one cannot be one s true self but be on the defense mode all the time to survive. In the writer s view it is important to understand the four personal journeys as described by Brown (1999:23-50). These concepts form the basis upon which the theory is built The cosmic journey People are in essence energy or life pulsating and living, and spreading that energy to the world around them. The natural state of a human being is that of relaxed joyfulness, living in harmony with his/her surroundings. This energy affects all others because we are all connected in one universe. When people in relationships influence each other s state of relaxed joyfulness, and upset it, they adapt. Some people tend to become quiet and hold in their energy (Minimizers) and others expand their energy (Maximizers). These adaptations happen as soon as people feel unsafe in relationships, usually because of conflict. Minimizers will withdraw as soon as they are frightened or scared, or as soon as the relationship is perceived as unsafe. Maximizers are the people who would then tend to 17

18 chase after the Minimizers and try to get him/her to enter the process of trying to solve the differences. The two types of people are both human responses to feeling unsafe. When the Maximizers go s after the Minimizers it is because of feelings of abandonment and hurt. When the Minimizers retreat, it is because of the fear of being overwhelmed. The other person or body of energy is perceived as a person who disturbs my state of relaxed joyfulness. As long as a person feels unsafe he will react in one of these two ways, and will focus on protecting himself, rather than fulfilling the needs of the other person. This difference between the partners is utilized and normalized in IRT as part of the mate selection process and consequent growth promotion of the marriage (Zielinski 2000). IRT uses this analogy to illustrate that we choose the opposite adaptation to help us heal from that what we lost in childhood. The differences between the partners are therefore not cause for divorce but normalized as an opportunity and unconscious cry for growth The Evolutionary Journey People and animals share some of the same basic natural responses to the world, usually directed by instinct or the unconscious. These responses could be described as twofold. When the world is unsafe one wants to protect oneself and when it is safe one wants to enjoy life. The three basic responses of any creature to danger are flee, fight or freeze. Animals do this as a basic response to danger. When humans experience a relationship as unsafe they follow the same basic responses of fight, flee or freeze, to protect themselves and stay alive. This occurs in the animal or instinctive part of the brain. When a relationship has become unsafe, some partners might flee by leaving, some might start a fight and some might just freeze by withdrawing into silence. 18

19 This principle is embodied by the words of Brown: If therapists do not understand that the quest for survival is the only thing that happens in marital relationships, they do not understand couples: All couples are trying to do is survive (Brown 1999:42). When the relationship and environment is safe the opposite response is triggered. Brown describes it as follows: When people experience their environment and relationships as safe, they want to do three things, play, nurture, and mate - that is to make love (Brown 1999:32). While survival is the primary drive or mandate operating in all living creatures, human beings also operate under a secondary mandate. And that is, "If you can stay alive, why not enjoy your aliveness? (Brown 1999:32) The human desire or instinct to stay alive, plays an important role in the application of the theory of Imago. It stems from the belief that all humans long to regain a state of relaxed joyfulness in connection. The human brain has evolved over the ages. Differences in functioning, in different aspects of the brain, influence and dictate how we will function in relationships. Hannah, et al (1997) describe the human brain as a tripartite brain and this is confirmed by the findings of Brown who describes the human brain as tri-layered (Brown 1999:35). This view of brain functioning and its effect on safety in a relationship, is briefly described as below. The three parts of the brain are: the brain stem, limbic system and the cortex. The brain stem is also referred to as the reptilian brain because it handles automatic functions such as taking a breath and moving muscles to keep us alive in all situations. The limbic system is also referred to as the mammalian layer. This part of the brain activates centers of intense anger or rage and pain, all in the service of staying alive. 19

20 The third part of the brain is called the cortex, and enables one to think thoughts, and to think about those thoughts. A human is the only species that can think about the fact that she/he is thinking or reflect on and evaluate his actions. If the reptilian and mammalian brains are combined we can refer to them as the old brain and the cortex as the new brain. This old part of the brain has little or no awareness of time and space. The old brain s function is to keep the conditions safe. When conditions are safe, the person experiences relaxed joyfulness. If conditions are unsafe it automatically responds with a defensive posture and depending on the perceived danger, constricts energy (freezing, hiding or submitting), or explodes energy by fleeing or fighting (Hendrix & Hunt 1999:173). Couples tend to live most of their lives using the old brain. This means that they do not live intentionally in their actions towards each other, but live reactively to the actions of each other. This will always lead to the power-struggle. The therapist must help the partners to relax and reflect on the old brain impulses before they react, and teach them to start living intentionally. In order to achieve this, some level of safety needs to be present so that the partners can drop their defensive patterns and focus on pleasurable actions. When energy does not go into staying alive, more energy is available for enjoying aliveness. When couples start to live intentionally in their relationship, they will create safety. This safety will automatically lead to partners opening up to one another and they will begin to feel more intimate and connected. They will also begin to feel more vulnerable and this could lead them to close up again to protect themselves. This could become a cycle. Therapists often find, that as soon as couples open up to one another and show some piece of themselves to the other, they become afraid and would say: Now I am afraid he/she has more ammunition to shoot me with the next time we fight. This is an indication that the human brain has a natural desire to protect oneself against emotional pain. This is especially true, if the perceived danger matches an old 20