1 1001 Jokes A few years ago Richard Wiseman went in search of the world's funniest joke. The results are described in his book, Quirkology. Here are the first 1001 clean jokes submitted into the database. Enjoy Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 38 What kind of pig can you ignore at a party? A wild bore. 39 What kind of murderer has fiber? A cereal killer. 44 A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. "Thats not my dog", replied the other. 45 Q: What's the difference between a shoping trolley and a University vice chancellor? A: You fill them both up with as much food and alcohol you can, but it's only the shopping trolley that has a mind of its own. 46 Q. How do you catch a polar bear? A. You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the ice hole. 47 Why do Marxists like fruit infusions? Because all proper tea is theft! 48 What was born to succeed? A budgie with a blunt beak. 49 Three budgies in a cage, one on the top perch, one on the middle and one on the bottom perch. Which Budgie owns the cage? The one on the bottom perch, the other two are on higher perches. 50 what do you call a fly with no wings? a walk.
2 51 What do you call a teacher with no arms, no legs, and no body? The Head Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover? A: You should never press your luck! 53 What's ET short for? Because he's got little legs. 54 An 8- year- old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." 55 Did you hear about the ice- cream man, he was found dead in his ice- cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds- and- thousands? The police said that he had?topped? himself. 56 What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck. 57 Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown. One clown says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" 58 A piece of straight, clean string goes into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The barman serves the drink, the string downs it and walks out. Ten minutes later a dirty, twisted, ragged piece of string walks into the bar. "Here - are you that piece of string that was here ten minutes ago?" asks the barman - "No" replies the string "I'm a frayed knot" 59 there are these two sausages sizzling in a frying pan. the one turns to the other and says "gees, it's hot in here" and the second one turns around and goes "AAAAH!, a talking sausage". 60 Q - what did the grape say when the elephant trod on it? A - Nothing, it just gave a little wine. 61 A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh playing the fruit machine. He calls over, "Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?" and Van Gogh replies, "No thanks. I've got one 'ere."
3 62 There were two cows in a field. One said "moo", the other one said "I was going to say that!" 64 What did the landlord say as he threw Shakespeare out of his pub? "You're Bard!" 65 A three legged dog walks into a Saloon in the Wild West, the barman asks him what he wants. The dog replies "I'm looking fo the man that shot my paw" 66 Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball. "That's two hits," says the other owl. "Two hits to who?" says the first. 67 An atom walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he's seen his missing electron. "Are you sure she's missing", asks the bartender. "I'm positive", replies the atom. (this is definitely a joke for science- minded people only) 68 Patient : "Doctor I keep hearing "The green, green grass of home" in my head. Doctor : "That's called the Tom Jones Syndrome" Patient : "Is it common?" Doctor : "It's not unusual 69 Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. 70 Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a Dog! 71 What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A Wonky 72 What?s brown and sticky? A stick 73 A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender says: "Why the long face?" 74 A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything." 75 A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says to the mushroom. "Hey we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says "why not I'm a fun guy" 76 What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?
4 "Close the door! Can't you see I'm dressing?" 77 PATIENT..Doctor, people keep ignoring me. DOCTOR...Next please. 78 Q. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? A. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo How long did Cain hate his brother? -? - As long as he was able A grad student, a post- doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the post- doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch." 81 A penguin walks into a store and asks the teller, "Do you have any grapes?" "No." He replies. This same thing happens the next day. On the third day the teller replies," No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!" On the next the penguin walks in and asks," Got any nails? "No." Replies the teller. "Got any grapes!" The penguin asks! 82 "I got that job down the bowling alley", "What tenpin", "No it's permanent" 83 A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head. The doctor says "What can I do for you?" and the penguin says "well doc, it started as this growth on my foot..." 84 A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this", and raises his arm. "Well, don't do it then", says the doctor. 86 Q: Did you hear about the Ice Cream Sales man that was found dead in his store covered in chocolate sauce and syrup? A: Police think he topped himself! 87 How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 2-1 to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
5 88 Three vampires are sitting at a bar. Bartender asks the first one what he wants. "I think I'll have a glass of blood." "Okay, what'll you have?" he asks the second vampire. "That sounds good. I'll have a glass of blood too." "And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire. "I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third vampire. "Okay," said the bartender, "That's two bloods and a blood light, then." 89 A polar bear walks into a bar and the barman says, "what would you like to drink?". The polar bear hangs his head and sighs deeply and then sayss "I'll have a pint of bitter barman". The barman looks at the bear and says "why the big paws?" 90 What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do? Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog. 91 A termite walks into a cocktail lounge, and asks a customer, "Is the bartender here?" 92 A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down". The man is incredulous and asks why, and the vet says "because he is far too heavy." 93 An Englishman, an Irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar, the barman asks," Is this a joke?" 94 A guy goes to the Doctors and he says "Doctor, I'm really worried about my brother, he thinks he's a Hen!" The Doctor says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?", and the guy says "Don't be stupid, we need the eggs!" 95 A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. 96 A brain and a pair of jumpleads walks into a bar. The brain orders two pints from the barman but the barman refuses to serve him. When asked why, the barman replies " Well you're clearly out of your head, and your friend there looks as if he's about to start something" 97 The police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fire crackers. They charged one and let the other one off. 98 A man went to a horse breeder and said, I want that horse. The breeder said that horse aint looking so good, but the man still wanted to buy it, so he did. The next day he came back with the horse and said, you sold me a blind horse, the breeder replied I told you that horse aint looking so good 99 Two hikers were walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the distance. The first hiker removed his trail boots and began to lace up his
6 running shoes. The second hiker laughed and said, "Why bother changing out of your boots? You can't outrun a bear." The first hiker replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you." 100 Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes. 101 A man on a business trip is staying in a high- rise hotel with a bar on the top floor. After checking in and seeing his room, he decides to go upstairs. There's only one other patron in the bar. The businessman orders a drink and then watches in surprise as the other patron quickly eats an orange, chugs his beer, and jumps out the window. A minute later, the man returns. The businessman is shocked to see him again eat an orange, chug his beer and then jump out the window. When the man returns a third time, the businessman decides he can do this, too. He eats an orange, chugs his beer, then jumps out the window to his death. The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk." 102 How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to do it, and another to hold the fish. 103 As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says, "Well, she was a good wife for sixteen years." 104 A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amahl." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl. 105 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. 106 Man walking down the street meets a friend who has a lobster tucked under his arm. "Are you taking that lobster home to dinner?" he asks. "No," says friend, "he's had his dinner and now I'm taking him to the pictures". 107 A man is sat at home watching T.V. when he hears a knock at the door. The man gets up and answers the door, to his astonishment there is a snail at the door. The snail says "can i sell you some double glazing." To which the man replies "no" and kicks him down the street. Two weeks later there is another knock at the door. The man answers it and it is the snail again. The snail then say "what did you do that for then."
7 108 Patient: "Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains." Doctor: "Pull yourself together man." 109 Patient: Dr, Dr - I can't get this song out of my head and it's driving me mad. I can't stop humming "It's Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home" Doctor: "Hmm, sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" Patient " Never heard of it" Doctor "Well it's not unusual..." 110 Extra strong mint and Mars bar are having a drink in the pub. Extra strong mint says to Mars Bar, `I'm the hardest mint in town me! No- one's harder than me!'. With that, the bar doors swing open and in walks a Halls mint. Mars bar turns around and extra strong mint is quivering under the table. Mars bar says, `Hang on a minute, I thought you were the hardest mint in town?!'. Extra strong mint says, `I might be hard, but he's menthal!' 111 Q. Why do cows have bells A. Because there horns dont work 112 Three American Indian women in the wild west are about to give birth. One is lying on a buffalo skin; one is lying on a moose skin; and one is lying on a hippopotamus skin. The first woman gives birth to a boy. The second gives birth to a girl. And the third gives birth to a boy and a girl. And this proves... the squaw of the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides! 113 Guy walks into the doctor's with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doctor says 'I can give you some cream for that'. 114 A man goes to a diner. On the menu it says, "Breakfast Served Anytime" so, when the waitress comes he orders French Toast during the Renaissance! 115 Q: What happens to Composers when they die. A: They decompose atoms were talking, 1 atom said to the other "why are you crying?" the atom replied "I've lost an electron", the first atom said "are you sure?", "yes" replied the other "I'm positive!" 117 Two men jump out of a plane. One is holding a Budgerigar, the other is holding a Parrot and a shot- gun. As they fall away from the plane the man holding the budgie lets it go. A moment later the man with the Parrot lets go of his bird and takes a lame shot at it with the shotgun. They both hit the floor. In their dying moments, one turns to the other and says, "I don't think much of this Budgiejumping" The other dying man turns to him and replies, "No, i don't think much of this high altitude paratchuting!."
8 118 I drunk driver is stop for heading the wrong way on a one- way street. The police officer asked the driver didn't you see the arrows. The drink responds, "Arrows, I couldn't even see the Indians. 119 A man took his dog to the vet. "Sorry," said the vet, "but your dog is dead". Distraught man asks the vet for a second opinion- - the vet brings in the practice cat. Cat sniffs around- - no response from dog. Vet says "sorry, but your dog is dead". Man insists on a third opinion, so vet brings in the practice labrador. Practice dog sniffs around- - no response from man's dog. Reluctantly the man accepts his dog is dead. On the way out, the receptionist gives him a bill for "Good grief,what is this for? "Well, said the receptionist, "it's 50 for the vet, 300 for the catscan and 600 for the lab report. 120 what game do you play with a wombat? answer - wom 121 a man walks into a shop and says "i'd like to buy a wasp, please." the shopkeeper replies "i'm sorry, sir, we don't sell wasps." "but," says the man "you have one in the window." 122 A white horse walked into a pub and ordered a lager. The landlord put the drink on the bar and said 'We've got a whisky named after you'. The horse replied 'what, Eric?'. 123 While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you." To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard. The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?" The parrot says, "Moses." The burglar goes on to ask, "What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies, "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus." 124 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb's got to want to change. 125 Where can you find a Mozambique. On a mozam- bird! 126 Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick. 127 A man gets knocked down by a truck. A guy says to him are you comfortable. He says I make a living! 128 Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan. 129 Q. Where do you keep a baby ape?
9 A. In an apricot. 130 What do you call a cow in a paddock with only two right legs... Lean Beef 131 Kid "Mummy! Mummy! There is a man with a bill at the door" Mother "Dont be silly dear, it must be a duck with a hat on!" 132 Q: What do you call a fly with no wings? A: A walk 133 A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. "I'm done for", the man cries in despair. "No you are not," comes a booming voice from the heavens. "Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab the spear from the one who is beside you and shove it through the heart of the chief." The man does so, and the remainder of the band stare in disbelief. "Now, what?" the man asks the heavens. "Now, you are done for." 134 Two caterpillars were crawling along a leaf when a butterfly flew past overhead. One caterpillar turned to the other one and said: "You'll never get me up in one of those things!" 135 A man walks into a chip and asks for fish and chips twice please. The man behind the counter says "I heard you the first time" 136 I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots. 137 Why is a tractor magic? Because it can go down a road and turn into a field! 138?Sally, can you spell?water? for me?? The teacher asked. H I J K L M N 0 answered Sally promptly Her teacher look puzzled.?that doesn?t spell?water.???sure it does,? said Sally.?It?s all the letters from H to O.? 139 A man walks into a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling. He asks the barman why they're there. "It's a competition. If you can climb up there and get those bits of meat down you'll get free drinks all night. But if you try and fail then you'll have to buy a round for everyone in the pub. Do you fancy having a go?" The man has a long, hard look at the ceiling before saying, "No, I'll just have a pint thanks. The steaks are too high."
10 140 Close your eyes. Dark isn't it? 141 Why did Ludwig v. Beethoven kill his two ducks? - They wouldn't stop saying "Bach bach" all the time What is green and if it were to fall from a tree would kill you? A snooker table 143 why don't polar bears eat penguines? because they can't get the wrappers off A skeleton walks into a pub and says, "Pint of bitter and a mop." 152 Doctor, Doctor, I can?t pronounce my F?s, T?s and H?s.??Well you can?t say fairer than that then? 154 What did the bird say as it flew over ASDA? "Cheap Cheap" 155 For a laugh three french soldiers put mustard in their ears from then on they are called the three mustardears!!! 156 A blonde girl's husband buys her a mobile phone. She takes it out and he decides to test it out. He phones her and she answers it. "It's very good," she says, "but how did you know I was at the hairdressers?" 157 A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. Then he hears little voices saying things like 'Oooh, you look really nice' and 'That haircut really suits you'. He tells the barman about it who says 'Just ignore it, it's the peanuts, they're complimentary'. 195 AN ardvark walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face. 196 a worried man goes to see his priest. "Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me." Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice." The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is :Take the poison" 197 Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead Q. Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? A. Because it was holding on to the first koala. Q. Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? A. Because he thought it was a game. Q. Why did the little boy fall off his bike? A. Because he was hit by three koalas. 198 A horse walks into a bar, the bartender turns & asks the horse whats with the long face.
11 199 An Englishman, an Australian and an American walk into a bar. The barman asks them "is this a joke?" 200 A man put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week. By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on. 201 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one - - but the light bulb really has to want to change. 202 What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies. 203 Did you hear about the termite who walked into an all- wooden bar and asked, "Is the bartender here?" 204 The doctor says to the patient, "You're in excellent health - you'll live to be 90." The patient replies, "But Doctor, I am 90!" The doctore responds, "Well, that's it, then." 205 there are 3 wives who want to decide what to wear. first one says,my husband has black hair I will wera black dree. second says my husband hair is grey and I will wear a grey dress and the third one gets worried and starts panicking. when asked she tells the other two that her husband is bald so she would have to wear nothing to the party. 206 What will Postman Pat be called when he retires? Pat 207 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? answer: he was dead 208 A pork Pie walks into a Pub and says 'Ill have a pint please',to which the landlord replies - 'sorry we dont serve food'. 209 A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross- eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well", said the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," Says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross- eyed?" said the man. "No, because he's heavy," said the vet. 210 George Howard, the man famous for writing the Hokey Polky died last week. They had a horrible time at the funeral parlor, first they put his left leg in A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the
12 newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale." 212 Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck." 213 A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." 214 Why is the number eight afraid of the number seven? Because seven ate nine. 215 A neutron walks into a bar, and says "Give me a beer." The bartender says "Hey! Neutron! For you - no charge!" 216 One morning, a girl says to her mum, "Does God use our bathroom?" Her mum replies, "No dear, why do you ask?" The little girl says, "Well, every morning daddy says 'Oh God, are you still in there!" 217 A man driving into town spots a truck broken down on the side of the road. He stops to help. The truck driver says he is on his way to deliver some penguins to the zoo. The truck driver say, "I'll give you some cash if you could take the penguins to the zoo for me." The man agrees. Later, when the truck is fixed,the truck driver drives into townand spots the man close to the zoo, walking with a row of pengiuns waddling behind him, away from the zoo. The truck driver stops and asks, "What are you doing? I gave you money to take the penguins to the zoo?" The man replies., "I did, but we got change so we're going to the movies!" 218 Where do sheep get their haircut? At the Bah- Bah- Shop. 219 What do you get if you cross frosty the snowman with count dracula? Frostbite 220 Did you hear about the two maggots who were fighting in dead Earnest? 221 What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A Head banger 222 were do computers go on hoilday? the big apple
13 223 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way. 224 why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side Two sailors are eating biscuits together. One breaks a biscuit and two bugs, one large and one small, jump out and run across the table. The sailor asks his mate, "Now, is it better to eat the big one or the small one?" The other replied, "The answer is simple: you must always choose the lesser of two weevils." 226 Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lies awake all night long, wondering if there really is a dog. 227 What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything." 228 what did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt! 229 Where would you find a tortoise with no legs? Wherever you left it 230 Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree? It thought it was a game. Why did the tree fall over? It thought it was a squirrel! 231 A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer and the barman says "I'm sorry we don't serve food" 232 What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Answer: Beethoven's Last Movement 233 Bob is sitting in a bar next to a guy named Clark. Clark gets his usual and drains it he then turns to Bob and says, "I bet you I can jump of the roof and loat to the ground." Bob says "okay go for it." So clark jumps and floats to the ground. So Bob orders what clark just had and tries to jump and float. So he jumps and SPLAT he hits the ground and dies. Clark walks back in the bar and the barkeep says "You know Superman you're really mean when your drunk!" Rimshot!!
14 234 Did you hear that they dug up Beethoven's body last week? They found him decomposing. 235 what do an eagle and a lion have in common? they both have wings, except for the lion. 236 how do you get a pikachu onto a bus? you pokemon 237 Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate 238 What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey. 239 What do you call a man in a bush? Russell. 240 A man walks into a bar and says- "ouch thats hot", It was a BARbeque. 241 Theres a toilet on a hill. There is a man walking up the hill and a man walking down and a man in the toilet. What are there nationalitys? the man going up is Russin and the man going down is finishan and the man in the toilet is european. 242 Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground? A. To get to the other slide. 243 what do mexicans keep under the carpet? Underlay! Underlay! Underlay! 244 Newspaper Headline: Man who commits suicide twice is sentenced to life in prison. 245 Q: What is red and looks like a bucket? A: A Red bucket! Q: What is blue and looks like a bucket A: A Red bucket in disguise! 246 Q: What is gray? A: A melted penguin! 247 Q. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? A. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo. 248 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey.
15 249 A man driving on a highway is pulled over by a police officer. The officer asks, "Did you know your wife and children fell out of your car a kilometre back?". A smile creeps onto the man's face and he exclaims, "Thank God! I thought I was going deaf!" 250 Q: where is a cemetery located in any town? A: In the Dead center of it! 251 A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?" 252 A man walks into a bar and says ouch!!! Get it? 253 baby polar bear asks its dad, 'am i a black bear?' 'no' says dad. 'am i a grizzly bear?' 'no, you're a polar bear. go ask your mother, son.' baby polar bear asks its mum, 'am i a brown bear, or a sun bear?' 'no', says mum. 'am i a black bear or a koala bear?' 'no, you're a polar bear. why do you ask, son?' 'because i am so cold...!' 254 A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. "Iv'e got a few suggestions,"he says. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."the new priest tries this. "Very good," says his senior. "now try saing things like 'I see','i understand' and 'Yes, go on.'" The ounger priest practises these sayings, too. "Well done," says the older priest. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way!what happened next?'" 255 Claire: Knock Knock Neil: Who's there? Claire: An interrupting cow Neil: An interrupt.. Claire: MOO 256 Man goes to the doctor and complains that every time he touches his foot he feels excruciating pain. The doctor writes it down and asks if it gurts anywhere else. To demonstrate, the man also touches his shin and thigh and screams out with pain. Although the doctor examines tha man, he can not diagnose the source of the pain and refers him to a
16 specialist. A few weeks later the man returns and the doctor eagerly asks the man if the specialist found out what was wrong. Yes, said the man. He discovered my finger was broken! 257 What do you call an aarvark that has been beaten up? A vark. 258 What is the difference between a doctor and God? God doesn't think he is a doctor! 259 Why did the whale jump out of the water? To get to the other side. 260 Q. What did the English policeman say when he came home and found his wife in bed with three men? A. 'Ello. 'Ello. 'Ello! 261 Man is looking down from a plane as it flies over the Pacific Ocean. He turns to the lady next to him and asks: That island down there. Is it pronounced Hawaii or Havaii? The woman replies Havaii. The man says: Thank you. The woman replies: You're velcome! 262 Why did the 'possum cross the road? To get half- way across. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the 'possum it could be done. Why did the anarchist monkey cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? No guts. 263 A man walks into a restaurant and growls at the maitre d', "Do you serve crabs here?" the maitre d' responds "We serve anyone. Have a seat sir." 264 In a 3rd grade class Jonny was asked if he knew what a canabil was. He said to the teacher "no sir" "Well, if you ate your parents what would you be?" Jonny,s teacher asked him and Jonny said "An orphen, sir" 265 Did you hear about the rooster who stayed awake all night so that he could see where the sun went? It finally dawned on him. 266 Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks. 267 What is the new pirate movie rated? Arrrrrrrrrrr. 268 The monks were busy in the monastery copying those beaytiful illuminated manuscripts that they used to do when one young monk suggested that since they were copying copies perhaps it might be timely to examine the original to make sure that their copies were correct. The Abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the basement of the monastery to find and examine the original. The young monk was away for some time and finally the abbot went to find him. When he did he found himmin tears and asked him what was wrong. Through his tears the monk blurted out "The word was celebrate!"
17 269 Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. 270 If you never can make things work from the first try, skydiving is not for you. 271 I was getting forgetful so I went to the neighbors and aske the husband what is the name of your mental doctor that you have been braging about.he aske me what flower has a long steam with thorns.i said a rose.he said thank you,thank you,hey Rose what is the name of my memory doctor. 272 Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 273 I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 274 A man ran into the house breathless and he said to his wife, "Honey, you should be so proud of me, I just saved $1.50 by not taking the bus, but I chased it all the way home- The wife replied, "You want a medal for that?- You should have chased a cab and saved yourself 15! 275 A duck walks into a pharmacy. He says, "I'd like a chapstick." The pharmacist hands him the chapstick and asks, "will that be cash or charge?" The duck replies, "just put it on my bill." 276 There are two fish in a tank. The first fish says to the second fish: "How the hell do we drive this thing?" 277 Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them. 278 whats brown and sticky? a stick 279 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. 280 Did you hear about the maniac riding on the subways chopping peoples arms off? The police caught him and charged him with armed robbery! 281 A biology student had to write a computer program, but he had troubles to make it work. He asked his roommate, who was a computer science major, to look at his programm and tell him where the error is. The computer guy looked through the code for some time, then glanced desperately at his friend and said: "In DNA". 282 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. 283 How can you tell the difference between a dead cat in the road or a dead lawyer in the road? The dead cat has tread marks.
18 284 Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't Can you swim? - Some times. - What do you mean by "some times"? - Only when I'm in the water. 286 A man walks into a psychiatrist's office dressed only in saran wrap. The psychologist takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts." 287 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first monkey. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. 288 First magician: "Who was that lady I sawed with you last night?" Second magician: "That was no lady; that was my half- sister!" 289 Why does a golfer bring two pairs of pants when he plays golf? A Incase he gets a hole in one. 290 whats a good parting gift? A comb 291 Knock knock Who's there? Dishwasher Dishwasher who? Dish wash er way i spoke until i got my false teeth 292 How do you make a hankichief dance? Put a little bogey in it. 293 How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? You paint its toenails red! 294 What is read white and black all over? A used newspaper! 295 Did you hear about the two atennae that got married? The wedding wasn't very good, but the reception was teriffic! 296 a guy takes his nasty dog for a walk every night and manages to beat up another dog every night. one night while walking his dog he comes upon this guy walking a yellow dog, he unleases his nasty dog saying "go get him boy", as he runs up to the yellow dog, the yellow dog grabs him by the neck, shakes him a couple of times, flips him over and breakes his neck
19 and the nasty dog is dead. the owner of the nasty dog says wow! thats the first time in two years that my dog has lost a fight, what kind of dog do you have? the other guy says " before i cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he used to be an alligater!!! 297 The man had gone to the dentist for his annual checkup. The dentist asked the man if he had been eating anything over the past few months that was not ordinarily in his diet. The man said, "Why yes, I have as a matter of fact. My wife developed a new receipt for hollandise sauce that is just terrific and I have been putting it on almost everything that I eat." "Well", said the dentist, "I'm afraid that the acid in the lemon juice used in the hollandise sauce has started to corrode your dental plate. I'll have to make you a new plate. But this time, I'll make it out of chrome." "Out of chrome!" exclaimed the man. "Why would you do that?". "Because," said the dentist..."as everyone knows"..."there's no plate like chrome for the hollandise" 298 Why dont English rugby players get vaccinated before touring? they never catch anything. 299 Q:Why can't two elephants go swimming at the same time? A:Because they only have one pair of trunks! 300 Q:- How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A:- Fish. 301 A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot." 304 Q. Why did the ram jump over the cliff? A. He didn't see the ewe turn. 305 Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words 306 Two not so bright people walking along one day. One says 'Horse tracks!', the other disagrees, 'Rabbit tracks I think' just before the train hit them! 307 Whats ET short for? Because he's got little legs! 308 a bear walks into a bar and says "Can I have a pint of lager and...a packet of crisps please?" the barman says "Why the big pause"
20 309 Did you read about the midget clarivoyant who escaped from jail? The headline said "small medium at large." 310 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb's gonna want to change. 311 A penguin walks ito a bar and asks the barman "have you seen my brother?" the barman replies "I dunno, What does he look like?" 312 There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn." 313 Why did the tomato turn red? She/He saw the salad dressing! 314 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear. 315 A guy walks in to his psychiatrists office and says" Doc you got to help me, One night I dream I'm a tepee and the next night i dream that i am a wigwam." The doctor say's," relax, you're two tents." 316 What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idear. 317 "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home" "that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome" "Is it common?" "It's not unusual.." 318 From The Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast- guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."' 319 what has 2 legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat 320 A man wakes up in hospital.
First 100 Instant Words the had out than of by many first and words then water a but them been to not these called in what so who is all some oil you were her sit that we would now it when make find he
T h e C o p a n d t h e A n t h e m p The Cop and the Anthem S OAPY MOVED RESTLESSLY ON HIS SEAT in Madison Square. There are certain signs to show that winter is coming. Birds begin to fly south. Women
p T h e L a s t L e a f IN A SMALL PART OF THE CITY WEST OF Washington Square, the streets have gone wild. They turn in different directions. They are broken into small pieces called places. One street
Fry Instant Words High Frequency Words The Fry list of 600 words are the most frequently used words for reading and writing. The words are listed in rank order. First Hundred Group 1 Group 2 Group 3 Group
Alex hurt his leg. He and his mom went into an office. There were chairs around the walls. There were things to read on the table. Where were Alex and his Mom? A. Dentist s office B. Eye Doctor s office
Set 1 The people Write it down By the water Who will make it? You and I What will they do? He called me. We had their dog. What did they say? When would you go? No way A number of people One or two How
T h e G i f t o f t h e M a g i p T h e G i f t o f t h e M a g i ONE DOLLAR AND EIGHTY-SEVEN CENTS. That was all. She had put it aside, one cent and then another and then another, in her careful buying
1 Kino, Juana and Coyotito K ino woke up early in the morning. The stars were still shining in the sky. The cockerels were beginning to crow 1 and the pigs were looking for something to eat. Outside the
A Note to Parents This Wordbook contains all the sight words we will be studying throughout the year plus some additional enrichment words. Your child should spend some time each week studying this Wordbook
Dialog: VIP LESSON 049 - Future of Business A: We really embarrassed ourselves last night at that business function. B: What are you talking about? A: We didn't even have business cards to hand out. We
Doonfoot Primary School Helping your child with Spelling at Home Information for Parents Introduction Being able to spell words correctly is one of the most important writing skills that your child can
Sight Word Superstars Building Fry List Fluency By Jennifer Bates http://finallyinfirst.blogspot.com/ How I use this program I developed this program because I noticed many of my students were still trying
Gift of the Magi By O Henry One dollar and eighty-seven cents. That was all. And sixty cents of it in the smallest pieces of money - pennies. Pennies saved one and two at a time by negotiating with the
Alice in Wonderland Introduction This time the Cheshire Cat vanished quite slowly. First its body went, then its legs. Then all of it vanished, and there was only its smile. 'There are a lot of cats without
p T w o T h a n k s g i v i n g D a y G e n t l e m e n THERE IS ONE DAY THAT IS OURS. THERE IS ONE day when all Americans go back to the old home and eat a big dinner. Bless the day. The President gives
Chapter 1 Mum s new baby I threw my school bag onto the floor in my room, changed into jeans and a T-shirt and then ran back down the hall. Mum called me. Jenna, I need you for a minute. I looked at my
Fry Instant Phrases The words in these phrases come from Dr. Edward Fry s Instant Word List (High Frequency Words). According to Fry, the first 300 words in the list represent about 67% of all the words
Hello song: Hello, hello, hello *3 I am Sue Hello, hello, hello *3 I am Jack Goodbye song: Goodbye Jack and Sue. Goodbye Jack. Goodbye Sue. Goodbye Jack and Sue. Elephants and fishes: How many elephants/fishes?
First Grade Spelling Words The Hat 1. at 2. hat 3. cat 4. can 5. cap 6. tap 7. map 8. mad 9. a 10. the I tap the can. Sam and the Bag 1. am 2. ham 3. had 4. bad 5. bag 6. rag 7. cap 8. mad 9. up 10. go
That's the Way I Like It Written, designed and set up by: Pat Neuman Illustrated by: Margie Hildebrand A book project of: Pembina Valley Learning Centre Funded by: The National Literacy Secretariat 2005
The Wizard of Oz The story step by step 1 This is a summary of the start of the story, but it is not completely correct. Listen to Chapter 1 then find 10 mistakes and correct them. Listen again to check,
01 - The minister is dead The minister is dead Did you see it on the TV Did you hear it on the radio And do you care what so ever Did he attack our society Or did he just kill one person Did he just raise
Dear Parents: Many children are bitten and injured by dogs each year. Bites can result from family dogs, neighbor dogs, as well as strange dogs. These injuries often occur because children do not understand
CD Our Own Way Lyrics Beverly Granoff 2012 1. All The Things We See 2. Remember the Rules 3. You and Me 4. This Too Shall Pass 5. My Best Try 6. Our Own Way 7. A Little Help From You 8. My La La Melody
Cast s (Squirrel, Mouse, Bear, Bird, Rabbit) Tsukuba International School Presents and Scene 1 Home ( and are talking at home.) Oh no. There's almost nothing left for us to eat in the pantry. What will
39 Unit 3 Exercise 1. Listening Activity: Taking a Test about Cats, p. 63: How well do you know cats compared to humans and dogs? Here is a quick test about cats. Listen to the questions and then choose
CRAZY BEAUTIFUL LIFE (Callaghan/ Matkosky) Here we are You and me and we got nothing to do It's a perfect day, shining all around us The sky's never been so blue Here we go, walking on sunshine Every step,
WWW.MRSCARRION.WEBS.COM Name: First Grade High Frequency /Spelling Words Indicate Words that become decodable and are included in blending lines and word work for that week. 1. can 2. I 3. we 4. like 5.
Interview With A Teen. Great Family. Outstanding Education. Heroine Addict I recently had the incredible opportunity to interview a young man, Gregor, who very quickly fell into a dependent situation with
Simple Present, Simple Past and Present Perfect Tenses This is a list of. I will read the base form, the simple past tense and the past participle of the verb. Then, I will read the verb in three sentences,
STAND UP Written by Simon K. Parker Copyright 2016 This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author. Simonkyleparker@hotmail.co.uk EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
1. Hallo, hallo Hallo, hallo it's english time, hallo, hallo it's english time. clap your hands, clap your hands it's english time, clap your hands, clap your hands it's english time. 2. Good morning Good
1 Open Knowledge Foundation Network, India : Open Education Project Help spreading the light of education. Use and share our books. It is FREE. Educate a child. Educate the economically challenged. Share
PUSD High Frequency Word List For Reading and Spelling Grades K-5 High Frequency or instant words are important because: 1. You can t read a sentence or a paragraph without knowing at least the most common.
FAMILY MUM, DAD Mum, mum, dad, dad, sister, sister, brother, brother, Shhh, shhh, baby, baby. FATHER, MOTHER Father, mother, father, mother, what about me? Sisters, brothers, sisters, brothers, I can t
The present perfect verb tense is a little difficult in English it is used in several different ways, and there are lots of rules to remember. This lesson will teach you everything you ever wanted to know
BIBLE LESSON 1. Jacob was on a long journey going to his father's home. Jacob had his wives and children with him and he had many cows and donkeys and sheep and camels as well. Jacob's twin brother Esau,
The Story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one
PRE-TOURNAMENT INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT: Tuesday, January 27, 2015 LYDIA KO MODERATOR: Happy to be joined in the media center by Rolex Rankings No. 2, Lydia Ko. Lydia, you're coming off winning the CME last
What are idioms? Idioms are words, phrases, or expressions which are often grammatically strange and are not meant to be understood literally. Idioms are a very important part of any language, so learning
TREASURE ISLAND Author - Robert Louis Stevenson Adapted for The Ten Minute Tutor by: Debra Treloar BOOK FOUR THE STOCKADE CHAPTER 19. THE GARRISON IN THE STOCKADE BY:JIM HAWKINS When Ben Gunn saw the flag
THE WASHING MACHINE Written by Lorena Padilla firstname.lastname@example.org INT. DINING ROOM - DAY A very messy dining room. There are empty beer bottles and ashtrays with cigarettes on the table. (12) cleans
Shoe Fly by Maha Mir Everyone has an imagination. Let it flow. It was a sunny afternoon as thirteen year old Taz walked home from school with her two best friends, Abby and Brooke. Abby and Brooke were
T H E A T R E F O R Y O U R M O T H E R : THE LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD SHOW The Little Red Riding Hood story from a slightly more postmodernist point of view A play for children and their adults by Russell
Animal Farm: An Abridged Text 5256 Introduction to Animal Farm Animal Farm is a novel. It is a famous story. Animal Farm was written by George Orwell in 1945. Mr Orwell went to a farm. He saw a boy walking
I was finishing to write a new article for my work when I received a call from my friend. She said that she had an idea for me to make a new article which can make the first page of London's newspaper.
JESUS HEALS A BLIND MAN Mark 8:22-26 Jesus and His disciples were traveling from one town to another. When they came to the next town, some people brought a blind man to Jesus. They begged Jesus to heal
Passive exercise 2 4C Complete with the PRESENT SIMPLE PASSIVE: a) Those books (use) by our intermediate students. b) The exams (correct) in the teacher's room. c) That car (drive) by a professional driver.
82 English Idioms and Expressions Tests Index... 1 Elementary Level 1. Adding Up... 6 2. Take it in... 7 3. Take it easy... 8 4. For Good... 9 5. In Control... 10 6. Out of Control... 11 7. All Agog...
THE STORY OF TRACY BEAKER BACK AND BAD by Mary Morris Where s the butter? Right under your nose. Not in the puddle! Hey, hey, hey! That s not for lunch! Fine time to be defrosting the freezer! You told
(2) FEAR OF FEAR This lady was cautious. She decided she wouldn t let herself go in her drinking. And she would never, never take that morning drink! Ididn t think I was an alcoholic. I thought my problem
Year 2 Science: The Human Body Resource Pack Body Systems II Body Systems Digestion our bodies break down food and use Skeletal system the skeleton is made up of bones that support our the nutrients to
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LINA AND HER NURSE. SUNDAY-SCHOOL UNI0 N, 200 MULBERRY-STREET, N. Y. LINA AND HER NURSE. SUNDAY-SCHOOL UNION, 200 MULBERRY-STREET, NEW YORK. LINA AND HER NURSE. L INA lived away in that land of the East
Hello and welcome to the vocabulary lesson for the conversation Drunk Driving. In this conversation, Joe and I are just talking about different friends or different people that we ve known that have gotten
Complete. The Chocolate Touch: Chapters 1-2 Review 1. What did John find unusual about the man inside the store? 2. Why didn't John make it to Susan's house? 3. Is this book written from a first or third
1. They are the United States. a) to b) for c) from d) with 3. is your favourite colour? a) How b) This c) Who d) What 5. This is my car. a) mother b) mothers c) mother is d) mother's 7. Are these shoes
the floor a basket the people a broom the igloo the rocks a dog an eagle a bats the leaves a dolphin a triangle the tusks the shoes the book the sky an elephant the ocean a tiger a donkey the shark a cage
Little Red Riding Hood Mattia Cinus Little Red Riding Hood Once upon a time there was a sweet little girl. Everyone who saw her liked her, but most of all her grandmother, who did not know what to give
1. To easily divide campers into two teams or groups, split down the middle of the bus, so that the campers on one side of the aisle are one team, and those on the other side are the second team. But if
Because of Winn-Dixie By Kate DiCamillo Adapted Text The adapted text can be found at http://coedpages.uncc.edu/access/adaptedbooks.htm. Book Adapted by General Curriculum Access Projects Research Staff
1 Five Little Ducks Five little ducks Went swimming one day Over the hill and far away Mother duck said "Quack, quack, quack, quack." But only four little ducks came back. Four little ducks Went swimming
Preliminary English Test Placement Test Time allowed: 2 hours QUESTION PAPER DO NOT write on this paper Instructions: Please answer all questions DO NOT USE a dictionary Write all answers on the separate
Getting-to-know-you/Sponge Activities: These activities can be used as gettingto-know-you activities, as in-between activities to redirect participant s energy and attention, and to soak up time if necessary,
California Treasures High-Frequency Words Scope and Sequence K-3 Words were selected using the following established frequency lists: (1) Dolch 220 (2) Fry 100 (3) American Heritage Top 150 Words in English
Testi_Kang_10ENG.qxp 8-01-2010 22:38 Pagina 10 Kangourou Italia - British Institutes Gara del 2 marzo 2010 Categoria Per studenti della classe terza della Scuola Secondaria di Primo Grado Choose the correct
Student Sample #1: Interpretive Essay We need role models because we need someone to look up to and talk to them so we could know what we want to do later in life. There are all types of people that you
Bodies Bingo Make bingo cards with activities or jokes in the spaces. Each person goes up to another one and tells the joke or does the activity with the other person. Activities can include hopping, laughing,
2nd Grade Spelling Word Lists Dragon Gets By bag win is am his has ran if dig sat was I ***** scratch picnic ***** Silly Stories: Reading-Writing Workshop the will have was you said it they as my off any
YAKUP ALMELEK ACT ONE The action unfolds in the suite of a five-star hotel. There may or may not be a door between the two connecting rooms. There should be be a desk, a computer, a fax and a photocopier
Easter Everyday - Week 4 Day 1 - God Is Greater 1 John 3:19-24 (NLV) 19 This is how we know we are Christians. It will give our heart comfort for sure when we stand before Him. 20 Our heart may say that
Weaving the Pieces Together By Annette Unten Life is a woven tapestry. All the people and the events that enter my life become a part of the threads in my tapestry. Bright colors are woven with pastels.
D Student: LONGBLANKLONGBLANKLONGBLANK Extension Level Mastery Tests Teacher s Cumulative Record Have the student read from the student card for each test as you record his responses. Place a blank piece
1 Tom and Daisy That spring, the sun shone every day. I was lonely at first in the East. But I felt that this was the real beginning of my life. I walked in the fresh air. I bought books. I worked hard.
English for Spanish Speakers Second Edition s 2 Caroline Nixon & Michael Tomlinson 1 2 There are pencils in the classroom, yes there are. There s a cupboard on the pencils, yes there is. There s a ruler
Shannon O Connor There is a Light that Never Goes Out No. I don t even know why I m here. I shouldn t be. You should let me go home now. I don t think we can do that. You must be here for a reason, and
Greg Zimmerman Personal Narrative Fall 2014 Dr. Bethany Clerico The Accident "I'll bet he was in a really bad car accident," my brother said. "Like maybe he was going drag racing down some back road with
Excerpt from Because of Winn Dixie I spent a lot of time that summer at the Herman W. Block Memorial Library. The Herman W. Block Memorial Library sounds like it would be a big fancy place, but it s not.