2 EXT. S HOUSE - DAY STONE, 23, cute in a chunky Jewish guy sort of way, boxes one of his roommates, MARTIN. His other roommates, JAY and JASON fight with broom sticks. JONAH drinks beer on the couch spectating. Quick Images: * We see Ben and Jay fighting. At one point they fight with gloves which are on fire, balancing on a plank over a dirty pool. * Ben now has a fishbowl filled with weed smoke over his head. There is a smoking joint in his mouth, making the bowl get cloudier and cloudier. He starts coughing hysterically and takes it off. *A boom box is playing. The boys are now free style rapping. It is terrible but they are having a blast. Pot is being smoked. Beer is around. EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - A DIFFERENT DAY Ben and roommates ride a terrifying rollercoaster. INT. ALLISON S BEDROOM - MORNING SCOTT, pretty, 24, wakes up to her radio alarm. INT. AND 'S HOUSE, BEDROOM Allison s sister,, sleeps on the floors of the bedroom, while her husband,, sleeps on the bed with their eight-yearold daughter SADIE. CHARLOTTE, age three, jumps on the bed. CHARLOTTE Sadie, wake up. SADIE Oh my gosh. Charlotte hits Pete. CHARLOTTE Daddy, wake up. Okay, I m up. EXT. BACKYARD - MORNING She exits a guest house and walks to the main house dressed for work. INT. KITCHEN - MORNING Debbie, is making breakfast for Charlotte and Sadie. Pete enters the kitchen.
3 I need you to take the kids to school this morning. Oh, I would, but I m supposed to work out. KNOCKED UP - 2. What? I got an appointment with a trainer. I can t cancel now, he ll charge me. Well, you didn t tell me. Yeah I did. Last week, I told you. You didn t tell me. I did. And then I wrote it on the calendar like you told me to. No, you didn t tell me. I did tell you. Well, you didn t, but what are we going to do? Because I have an appointment so you re taking the kids to school. Pete holds Charlotte in front of him. (cont d) Don t use the baby to cover your tracks. I can drive them. I ll drive them to school. Thank you very much. Great. Good. You turned my sister into a limo driver. I don t mind. (to Charlotte) It all worked out!
4 KNOCKED UP - 3. INT. ALLISON S CAR - DAY Alison drives the kids to school. Charlotte and Sadie sit in the back. Charlotte GIGGLES. What are you giggling about? SADIE (to Charlotte) Be quiet. You re starting to annoy me. Poo poo. CHARLOTTE Ladies. Nice. SADIE You know what I did the other day? What? SADIE I Googled murder. You Googled murder? Yeah. SADIE Why? I mean what did it say? SADIE It didn t say anything. It just showed pictures of people lying dead on the floor and...blood everywhere and ugh... That was just ketchup. (beat) Who wants to hear some music? SADIE I want to hear Rent. CHARLOTTE I want to hear Green Day! SADIE No, we re listening to Rent. CHARLOTTE Well, I want to listen to Green Day. Sadies takes Charlotte s doll. SADIE Well, I got your baby!
5 KNOCKED UP - 4. Charlotte WHINES. Don t taunt her. Come on. Here. SADIE Sadie shoves the doll at Charlotte. Sadie! Ow! CHARLOTTE (crying) Why did you just do that? Don t throw things at your sister! CHARLOTTE She hit me. Did you hit her? I did not. SADIE Make her happy. (to Charlotte) It s okay. SADIE It won t make her happy. She spilled all the marbles on the floor. Well, give her her marbles back. INT. S HOUSE - DAY In a living room of the house the guys have created an office for their web site. There are a few large tables, several computers which they work at, and a few TV sets which have movies running on them. Ben and his friends are holding a meeting. They each have a note pad and pen, and Jonah is on a computer. They smoke a joint and drink beers. JASON All right? Now, are you sure you understand the terms of the bet? Cause this is serious. Oh, no. MARTIN
6 JASON Martin, listen. You don t shave your beard or cut your hair for one year, and if you can do that, I will pay your rent. But if you shave, then you have to pay all five of our rents. MARTIN Thanks for the free money, bitch. JONAH Hey, Martin, was it weird when you joined the Taliban, being American and everything like that? Like when you see a woman driving a car, do you just get pissed? JASON Just watch your back, Serpico. You never know who your friends are. MARTIN You guy can t make fun of the me the whole time. JASON But, Martin, it s a competition. It s called The Dirty Man Competition. We re gonna make fun of you until you shave the beard. That s the rules. JAY That s the whole point. You re supposed to be tempted into shaving. Your face looks like Robin Williams knuckles. MARTIN You guys aren t allowed to make fun of me. It s not part of the rules. JASON Martin, why didn t you just listen to me when I was explaining the rules? You just looked at me with that blank stare of yours. It was like talking to a wax statue. Okay, guys, are you ready? So... Only at Flesh of the Stars.com will customers be able to find exactly how long into what movies their favorite stars are exposed. KNOCKED UP - 5. Nice. JASON JAY Oh, fuckin booya. Pretty good, right?
7 KNOCKED UP - 6. Yeah. JONAH JASON Yeah, ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching. JONAH Guys, let s start loggin, all right? Charles Manson? Do you have any other thoughts? MARTIN Good, awesome, let s start this off with a bang. Jamie Lee Curtis. I got an hour and ten minutes in Trading Places. Uh, both chesticles. JAY Ah, I got something. A three-titted alien from Total Recall? JONAH Aw, she s not famous. JASON (imitating Schwarzenegger) Damn it, Cohaagen, give the people the air. INT. E ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY RYAN SEACREST stands in front of a series of cameras. Alison stands behind with a clipboard and headset. RYAN SEACREST So if you want that perfect tan like the stars, he s the one to see. We ll be right back on E! News. Stay with us. (into her headset) Okay. RYAN SEACREST Okay, is Jessica Simpson here yet? Let me check. RYAN SEACREST Is she on her way? Hey, guys? RYAN SEACREST She s left her house? (into her headset) Okay, let me know when she s pulling in. (MORE)
8 (cont'd) (to Ryan) She s about to pull in. RYAN SEACREST Is she camera-ready? (into her headset) Is she camera-ready? RYAN SEACREST If she s going to be in hair and makeup for three hours. I can t do it. I m not going to be here. I got to do American Idol. It s live. I got to do it. I got to be there. What are we going to interview her about? Nothing personal. RYAN SEACREST No personal questions. No personal questions. Don t ask her about her sister and her nose job. RYAN SEACREST No plastic surgery questions. She doesn t want to talk about her boobs or her father s comments about her boobs. RYAN SEACREST Great. We ll talk about the Middle East and maybe an idea of an exit strategy. Maybe she has a good pitch. Should I ask her about Korea? Maybe have her point it out to us on a globe? I don t understand the young talent in this town! It doesn t make any sense. I got four jobs. Hell, I m more famous than half the people we talk to anyway! No one stands up. No one has the balls to sit them down and say, Look, just cut the shit. But everybody works for em. They re all on the payroll. They re all sucking the teat! Nobody sits em down, eye-toeye, one-on-one, and says... Cut the shit. And all these stars just to fuck it up. That s what they do. They fuck my day up! And it pisses me off! And now I m sweating. You know what? You want us to just come and get you when she gets here? You want to head to the green room for a minute? Just chill out? RYAN SEACREST That s a good idea. KNOCKED UP - 7.
9 KNOCKED UP - 8. Want us to bring you anything? You want some water? No. RYAN SEACREST You want a cookie? RYAN SEACREST Cookie, yeah, cookie. Thanks. Okay, we ll get you a cookie. RYAN SEACREST I m sorry I m pissy. JILL, one of the E! executives, approaches Alison. Alison? Yeah? JILL JILL Jack and I need to see you in his office. INT. JACK S OFFICE, E! ENTERTAINMENT - DAY Allison s boss, JACK, early forties, is at his desk. Alison and Jill sit in the office. JACK Thanks for coming in, Alison. Well, we wanted to talk to you today because we had a little debate on the conference call with New York about you. You were talking about me? JACK We were wondering aloud to one another whether or not you would be good for on-camera. What d you decide? JILL They decided that they like you. And they would like to put you on camera. Really? JILL I know. I was so surprised, too.
10 KNOCKED UP - 9. Oh, my God. This is the best news ever. Thank you so much. This is great! JACK Congratulations. Thank you. JACK I ll take that smile as a Yes, I ll do it. Absolutely. I m so excited. Oh, my God. JILL It s a lot of work. Can t wait to see what happens. It s going to be tough. Tough job. JACK About the work, most immediately, there s going to be some things that you re going to be able to get that other people in the office don t get. One of them: Gym membership. You want me to lose weight? JACK I don t want you to lose weight. JILL We can t legally ask you to do that. JACK We didn t say lose weight. No. JILL JACK I might say tighten. Tight. JACK A little...tighter? JILL Just like toned and smaller. JACK Don t make everything smaller. I don t want to generalize that way. Tighter. JILL We don t want you to lose weight. We just want you to be healthy.
11 KNOCKED UP Okay. JILL You know, by, by eating less. We would just like it if you...go home and step on the scale and write down how much you weigh and subtract it by, like, twenty. Twenty. JILL And then weigh that much. JACK Just remember, you ve got it here, you ve got it here, and everybody s going see you right there. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT Debbie and Alison hug. Pete is on the couch wearing headphones. Yay! That s so exciting! Yay! Oh my god! Hey! Huh? (to Pete) I got a promotion. Oh, congratulations! Thank you. Hey, maybe you can get your own place now. Oh, let s not get ahead of ourselves. Yay! Let s go celebrate. Okay, let s do it.
12 KNOCKED UP Pete ll watch the kids? Yeah! We can watch Taxicab Confessions. What are you going to do? I don t know! Debbie and Alison SHRIEK. I m so excited. Yay! INT. CAR - NIGHT Alison and Debbie drive to a nightclub. I walked in on him masturbating one night. Ooh! Did you get the deer-in-theheadlights look? Did he freeze or did he finish? No, he tried to pretend like he wasn t doing anything under the covers. Oh, no! I buy these nice towels and he whacks off into them. Deb and Pete forever And once he does that into them once, they re never soft ever again. EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT Alison and Debbie are walking over. I can always tell if I m looking good based on whether or not we get in. They reach the front. The Bouncer looks at them and waves them in.
13 KNOCKED UP Ladies? BOUNCER Guess we re looking good. If I didn t get in, I would have lost my shit. Ben and the guys are standing at the head of the line. What s going on man? How long you gonna make us wait out here, for Christ s sake? JAY Come on! What the fuck! INT. NIGHTCLUB Ben sits with his friends, Jason, Jonah, Jay, and Martin. You know what movie I just saw again the other day which is fucking, like, mind-blowing, and I haven t seen it since it came out? Munich. Munich! JAY They all agree. JONAH Dude, Munich fuckin rules. JAY Munich is awesome! That movie was Eric Bana kicking fuckin ass! (cont d) Dude, every movie with Jews, we re the ones getting killed. Munich flips it on its ear. We cappin motherfuckers. JONAH Not only killing, but fuckin, like, takin names. If any of us get laid tonight, it s because of Eric Bana in Munich. JONAH I agree with that. I agree. JAY
14 You know what is not helping us get laid? Is the shoe bomber, Richard Reid, over here at our table. I like your shoes. JONAH How was Burning Man this year? Fuck you guys, I m glad I m not Jewish. KNOCKED UP So are we. (cont d) MARTIN Fine. Screw it. You weren t chosen for a reason. Yeah. Ahh! Ohh!!! JAY JASON Meanwhile, Debbie and Alison head for the bar. Debbie SIGHS. It s like everyone in here is twelve years old. (cont d) Am I too old to be here? What? Am I too old to be here? No, of course not. Does it look weird that I m here? No, not at all. Am I hotter than these little bitches? Yes! You look amazing. Guys in here would fuck me, right?
15 KNOCKED UP Yes. That s weird to say, but, it makes me feel better. You look hot. I believe you. I m getting us drinks. Alison leaves for the bar. INT. NIGHTCLUB BAR - MOMENTS LATER Ben is already at the bar attempting to get the BARTENDER s attention. Yo, a beer over here, please? You re gonna be embarrassed when you realize I m Wilmer Valderrama. God. (to the Bartender) Oh, Hey! Excuse me! He s literally ignoring this entire half of the bar. Don t even bother. Yeah, awesome. A beer over here, please? He looked at us! Did you see that? Yeah, that was rough. And if you can t get service, what am I gonna do, you know? Great. It s going to be that night. Okay, you want a beer? Yeah. Just observe.
16 Ben leans over the bar and picks up two bottles of beer and drops money on the bar. (CONT D) (cont d) There you go. BARTENDER Come on, man! Here you go! For your trouble! Thank you. Ben hands one beer to Alison (CONT D) (cont d) (to Alison) There you go. KNOCKED UP Thank you. Okay, enjoy it. Are you sure? I m sure. I tried that once before at The Comedy Store and I got punched in the ear. Thanks a lot, Oh, fuck, fuck! I m supposed to get one for my sister. Oh, here, take mine. Ben hands Alison his beer. No, that s okay. I ll wait. I ll, he ll get me-- (interrupting) Please, I very rarely look cool. This is a big moment for me. Just take it. Thank you. Awesome. No problem. I m Alison. I m Ben. An awkward beat passes between them.
17 KNOCKED UP Well, have a great night. Okay, you too. Have a-- Thanks for the beer. Okay, enjoy, be nice to them. Bye. Thanks again. Alison leaves the bar to rejoin Debbie. I ll see ya later. (to himself) No, I won t, cause I m a pussy. INT. NIGHTCLUB - CONTINUOUS Ben rejoins his friends. JASON What s up, daddy? That girl. She, she totally gave me an opening, man, and I locked up. I just want to get shit-faced, though, you know? I ll just jerk it later. It s cool. JASON Are you fuckin crazy, man? She looks...smart. Who s that she s sitting with? It s her sister. JASON Her sister? Yeah. JASON Dude, it s the dream. What are we doin standing here man? Let s go. Come on, follow me. (to Martin) You stay here. Why? MARTIN JASON Cause your face looks like a vagina.
18 KNOCKED UP Dick! MARTIN Ben and Jason head toward Alison and Debbie. JASON Hey, which one s the sister? Jonah approaches Martin. Jay GROWLS loudly. JONAH Hey, Crockett. You still partyin with Tubbs these days? MARTIN Come on, man. I m getting it from all angles here. I don t like it anymore. JONAH I know, I don t either. Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens to Yusuf Islam? MARTIN Yeah, it was really awkward. JONAH All right, man. I got to take off. See ya, Scorsese on coke. MARTIN What s that? JAY Chewbacca. It s, you know, it s Chewie. MARTIN Oh, another beard joke. Fuck. JAY MARTIN Fuckin hilarious! Meanwhile, Ben and Jason get to Alison and Debbie s table. Hey. Hey. Hi, this is my friend, Jason. I just wanted to see how my beers were doin. This is my sister, Debbie.
19 KNOCKED UP Oh, hi, I m Ben. Hi, Ben? Yes. Nice to meet you. JASON How ya doin? Good, how are you? JASON Just trying not to stare. She s married. (to Alison) Why do you have to say that? What? JASON It s a shame. You re beautiful. Thank you. She has two kids, too. Shut up! What? It s nothing to be ashamed of. You think that s gonna stop him from hitting on her? It s not, at all. JASON I love kids. Really? JASON Yeah, absolutely. Debbie s cell phone RINGS.
20 KNOCKED UP Excuse me. (into the phone) Hello? Cool phone. Yeah, she s got a really cool phone. (into the phone) What? Is it a rash or is it the chicken pox? I don t know! Google it. Okay. All right, bye. (to Alison et al) I got to go. Sadie might have the chicken pox. JASON I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it. We don t have the heart to tell him it s herpes. JASON It s not herpes if it s everywhere. (to Alison) Are you coming? Alison and Ben exchange a strange look. Um, uh, you know, I m all dressed, so I ll just hang out. Really? Yeah, I ll take a cab home. Be safe. I will. JASON Bye, lovely. Bye. Debbie leaves. JASON All right, I m gonna let you two get to know each other.
21 KNOCKED UP INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT QUICK CUTS *Ben and Alison talking, dancing and drinking. Cheers. Cheers. To you. *Ben and Alison take pictures of each other with their cell phones. No, no. You know, the like, Entertainment News channel? Oh, E! E! *Ben and Alison dance, clearly pretty drunk now. We see Ben s friends in the background, also dancing. Ben pretends to throw dice while dancing. JONAH Dude, I think he s doing the dice thing too much. JAY That s really all he s got. *Alison and Ben take another shot. Alison runs her fingers through Ben s hair. I love your curly hair! It s so great. Do you, like, use product or anything? You put anything in it? I use Jew. You want to get out of here? Yeah, let s go. We can go hang out at my place? Yes, uh, uh, uh... I ll show you my audition tape. Wicked.
22 KNOCKED UP They exit the club. It s really funny. Okay, I m really excited to watch that. EXT. NIGHTCLUB - MOMENTS LATER Alison and Ben stagger out of the club and head down the sidewalk. We should get a cab. Ben grabs Alison and they kiss. EXT. BACKYARD - LATER Ben and Alison stagger across Pete and Debbie s yard towards the guest house. This is a big yard! Shh! Let s go swimming right now. Let s just do that. No. I m doin -- Whoo! INT. ALLISON S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Alison and Ben collapse on the bed and make out. They take off their shirts. You re prettier than I am. They continue to make out. Do you have a condom? I do. Okay. It s in my pants. I have a condom.
23 KNOCKED UP Okay. I ll get it. Ben grabs his pants and takes out a condom. Man. (cont d) Ben struggles to put on the condom. Come on. Hurry up. (cont d) (to the condom) Stupid fucker. What are you doing? I almost got it. Just give me a second. Oh, God, just do it already! Okay. Ben throws the condom on the floor and rolls over onto Alison. (cont d) Good thing I m drunk. This is lasting forever. Yeah, it s awesome. I just doubled my record time. (beat) I m sorry I m sweating on you. Okay, just stop taking. EXT. GUEST HOUSE - MORNING Establishing shot of the guest house in morning light. INT. GUEST HOUSE - MORNING Ben is SNORING, his ass fully exposed. Alison is wide awake, clearly kept up by his unattractive snoring. She stares at him, not sure how she feels about what happened last night.
24 KNOCKED UP She nudges him with her foot. Fuck off, Martin. I said, fuck off Martin. Ben awakens and turns around. Hi. Oh. Hey. Hey. Ben assesses the situation. I m naked. Yeah. (whispering) Did we have sex? Yes. Nice. (beat) What time is it? Seven-thirty. Why the fuck are we awake? Let s go back to sleep. I have to go to work. Really? Do you need to get to work or anything? No work today. Do you want to get breakfast? Okay.
25 KNOCKED UP EXT. GUEST HOUSE - MORNING Alison and Ben walk to their cars. Suddenly Pete walks out of the house with the kids. Morning. Good morning Alison. I m Ben. What s happenin, man? Ben. How s it goin? Pete shakes Ben s hand and smiles. (playfully) Ah, to be young. Stop it. You stop it. See ya later. All righty. See ya later. Enjoy the day. (to Charlotte) Never do what they did. CHARLOTTE I m gonna do it. You are? Uh-oh. Someone s getting homeschooled. INT. DINER - DAY Alison is in the booth. Ben emerges from the bathroom. Whew. I just yacked, something nasty. I feel way better, though. I think that s the secret. You just gotta puke. Did you puke? No.
26 You can. I won t think it s gross or anything. KNOCKED UP I m fine. Oh, okay. I just need some coffee, so... You know, the best thing for a hangover s weed. Do you smoke? Do you smoke weed? Not really. You don t? No. At all? Mm-mm. Like in the morning? No, I just don t. It s the best medicine. Cause it fixes everything. Jonah broke his elbow once. We just got high and, it still clicks, but, I mean, he s okay. Right. Yeah. Last night was great...what I remember of it? Right, yeah. Yeah. We had a great time. Yeah. So what do you do?
27 KNOCKED UP I work at E! The television channel? Uh-huh, remember? Wow. We had, we had this conversation last night. I, I told you about my promotion and I was out celebrating it. No? I don t remember that at all. I m super excited about it. I m actually doing my first on-air interview today. With who? Matthew Fox. Matthew Fox from Lost? Yeah. You know what s interesting about him? What? Nothing. Will you tell him he s an asshole for me? No. Someone needs to. Like who gives a shit? I hope a lot of people actually because that s what my job entails, is making sure people care about what he has to say. I m interviewing him. Maybe it s just me. Maybe I just don t give a shit. I m just saying he deserves a beat down.
28 It s sort of embarrassing to ask at this point, but what do you do for work? Me and my roommates have started...we re starting an Internet website. Oh, cool, what is it? I ll give you the virtual experience okay? How s that? You re at your computer. Who s an actress you like? Mary Tyler Moore? No, that does not work at all. Let s say you love Meg Ryan. KNOCKED UP I do. Great. Who doesn t? Let s say you like her so much, you want to know every movie where she shows her tits. And not just that, but how long into that movie she shows her tits. Come to our web page, exclusively, type in Meg Ryan. Bam! In the Cut, thirty-eight minutes in, forty-eight minutes in, like an hour and ten minutes in. She s like naked that whole fuckin movie. She does full-frontal in that movie. Wow. (disgusted) They should have called her Harry, not Sally. Really. I ll show it to you. I ll show you Meg Ryan s bush. (exasperated) Okay. Cool. I actually need to get going, so.
29 KNOCKED UP Alison is incredulous. Awesome. Can I get your number? (cont d) We had fun, right? We should hook up again. I m gonna give you my card because that ll be the best way... If you want to contact me, I don t have a cell right now because of payment complications, but you can me at the web page, I check it. It s Ben at flesh of the stars, one word, dot com. Alison gets out of the booth. Ben gets up too. (cont d) So, awesome. All right then. Nice to meet you. Ben puts his arms out for a hug. Alison complies. Ben kisses the air. Take care. (cont d) Okay, uh, see ya. Alison exits the diner. CARD: 8 WEEKS LATER (cont d) Bye! (to himself) That was fuckin brutal. Yeah, that was brutal. INT. E ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY Alison is standing on stage with JAMES FRANCO. Hi, I m Alison Scott and we re here today with James Franco from Spider Man. (cont d) How are you? Great. JAMES FRANCO
30 KNOCKED UP Thanks for coming. Of course. JAMES FRANCO Tell me, were you a big fan... Alison GULPS and appears uncomfortable. (cont d)...i m sorry, let me take that again. Okay. JAMES FRANCO Tell me, were you a big fan of the comic books growing up? JAMES FRANCO No, actually, I didn t read any of the comic books until I got the movie. Alison stares at the floor looking ill. She breathes heavily. JAMES FRANCO (cont d) Are you okay? Uh-huh. Yeah, just, what about the comic books? Keep talking. JAMES FRANCO Like I said I really wasn t into them, but now that I did the research, I think they re pretty amazing. Alison runs offstage and VOMITS into a trash can. Repeatedly. JAMES FRANCO (cont d) What the fuck? Alison continues to puke. INT. EDITING BAY Alison and her editor, BRENT, are watching the Franco/puking clips. BRENT Is that the sound of you puking? JAMES FRANCO (ON TV MONITOR) If this is one of those fuckin joke shows, I m not into it. BRENT We should put this on YouTube. Shut up.
31 KNOCKED UP BRENT This is hilarious. You re an asshole. BRENT Look how sweaty you are. You look like Dom DeLuise. I don t need to see it again. It s gonna make me throw up. BRENT You look like Jabba the Hutt dying. Brent HISSES like Jabba the Hutt. Alison swallows hard. You re such an asshole. BRENT I m just jerking your chain. I ll fix this. No problem. Yeah, maybe if you can just edit this out and we can re-- (cont d) --we can reshoot my questions. Alison looks ill again. What s up? BRENT Alison is frantically looking for a place to vomit. BRENT (CONT D) (cont d) Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no. Over here. Not on the mixing board, not on the mixing board. Alison finds the trash and VOMITS. BRENT (cont d) Are you okay? Oh my god. Oh my god. BRENT Are you sick? I don t know. BRENT What d you eat?
32 KNOCKED UP I haven t eaten today yet. BRENT You haven t eaten yet? Do you have a napkin or something? Brent grabs a stray piece of paper. BRENT Here, here. What do you have, like the flu? I don t know. BRENT God, I hope you re not pregnant. It s impossible. You have to have sex to get pregnant. Alison reacts with a sad realization. Brent picks up the phone. BRENT (into the phone) B.K. It s Brent Master Five. Alison just puked. Dude, that s what I said. She s probably pregnant, right? Oh, shit. BRENT (into the phone) How does she look right now? She looks like she just realized that she s pregnant. INT. AND 'S HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT Debbie and Alison are sitting on the bed. No, I can t be pregnant. Right? That was what, eight weeks ago? Did you miss your period? No. Wait. I don t know. Shit. I don t know. I can t remember. I was, I mean, I ve been really stressed at work. I can t remember my last period. Are you the lady who doesn t realize she s pregnant until she s sitting on the toilet and a kid pops out?
33 Can you not joke right now? Don t joke right now. This is really serious. Did I meet him? Yeah. You know, he was kind of like medium height, sort of...chubby. Blonde, curly hair. Remember? With the man boobs. Yes! Here, I have this thing of him on my phone. Alison takes out her phone to play a video. (ON PHONE VIDEO) Hey! I live in your phone! This is the best night of my life! I gotta pee. Oh god. How did this happen? KNOCKED UP Oh, shit. Well there s only one way to find out. INT. DRUG STORE Alison and Debbie run down the aisles looking for pregnancy tests. They re here! Here they are! Over here! Every test on the shelf is pulled into their basket. Okay. Positive Choice. Easy, One, Two, Three. They run toward the check out counter. INT. AND 'S HOUSE, BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER They dump all the tests on the floor. Alison sits on the toilet and rips one test open. She puts the applicator between her legs. Here. Hurry up now. Come on. The test reads positive.
34 KNOCKED UP (cont d) Get more! Get me a few more! Did you try the Ova-Sure? Alison furiously drinks some juice. I m dripping, I m dripping. Wait. They check another test. Good! A smiley face! Oh, I think that s bad. How long does this one take? These can t all be positive. Let me try one. Pete enters to see Debbie sitting on the toilet. Debbie urinates on the test and checks it. God, you really had to pee. Debbie picks up a test. It s positive. What is this? What the hell is this? I think you picked up the wrong one. Fuck. That scared me. That would suck. Alison glares at Debbie. (cont d) I m sorry. That scared me. EXT. AND 'S HOUSE, POOL - NIGHT Alison is on a chaise lounge. Debbie is sitting nearby. Debbie contemplates. It s gonna be fine. Right? Right? (CONT D) (cont d) Of course it will be fine. It s gonna be fine.
35 KNOCKED UP Shit. You just need to call him. Maybe I don t need to call him until after I see the doctor. You need to call. I don t want to call him. I don t need to call him. You should call. I can t call him anyway. He doesn t even have a phone. He didn t even have a number to give me. He doesn t have a phone? Said some kind of billing issue. He can t afford a phone? Sadie has a phone. Shit, you re right. I got to call. I don t know. I m gonna have to look him up on his stupid website. What kind of website does he have? INT. AND 'S HOUSE, OFFICE Debbie and Alison sit at the computer looking at Flesh Of the Stars. He spelling coming wrong. Oh it s cum. That s gross. Just go to Contact Us. Ben? Yeah. Debbie begins to type the .
36 What is your number? I need to speak with you right away. Send? KNOCKED UP Yep. You re sure? Yeah. EXT. S HOUSE - NIGHT Ben and his roommates are sitting around smoking weed. JAY I love weed. JONAH I could smoke weed every second of every day. Ben wears a gas mask attached to a bong. Everyony LAUGHS. (through the mask) Jay, I am your stoner. Jason sits with his laptop. JASON Hey, Benjamin? Yeah. JASON Flesh of the Stars just got an e- mail. Really? JASON Would you like me to read it to you? Yeah, sure. JASON Ben, what is your number? I need to speak to you right away. Alison Scott Ohhhhhh!, JASON & JONAH Shit! Someone wants seconds, mama!
37 KNOCKED UP Jason types a reply while Ben watches on. JASON Looking forward to speaking with you. Yeah. Do one of those smiley faces at the end. Fuckin A. Those are sexy. Sent. JASON INT. AND 'S HOUSE, OFFICE Alison paces as she dials Ben s number. EXT. S HOUSE The phone RINGS. Uh-oh! JAY Somebody wants another piece! Shhh... JAY (whispering) Booty, booty, booty call. INTERCUT: (into the phone) Hello? (into the phone) Hi, Ben, this is Alison. I don t know if you remember me. (into the phone) Oh, yeah, Alison. What s up? Ben is humping Jason s head. JONAH She like-a the way your dick tastes. (into the phone) I actually was just wondering if maybe you, wanted to get together, like tomorrow night?
38 (into the phone) I ve been meaning to call you so we could hook up again. You know what I m sayin? (into the phone) Let s meet up maybe tomorrow night? You wanna just grab some dinner? (into the phone) Why not? Meeting of minds sounds good. What do you say Geisha House, Hollywood, nine o clock? (into the phone) Sure. That s cool. Can we make it more like six, though? I d like to keep it early. (into the phone) Six o clock. Beat the rush. Yeah, leave more time for afterwards. Dessert. Sweet. (into the phone) Okay. I ll just meet you there, then, at six. All the guys mime having sex with each other. (into the phone) I ll see you there. Take care. Peace. KNOCKED UP Oh, shit. I m gonna get laid mother fuckers! High fives all around for Ben and the roommates. INT. GEISHA HOUSE - NIGHT Ben and Alison sit at a table in the crowded restaurant. Nice place, huh? It s really nice. Sorry it took so long to get a table. I didn t realize you needed a reservation.
NO LONGER THE FIRST 2010 Josh Danz Free performance of this play for high school and college level competitive forensics is permitted. All other rights reserved. The Intriguing Interp Series is published
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