Have you got that Black Wednesday

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2 2. ADVERTISEMENT Have you got that Black Wednesday Photo Flickr feeling?

3 3. When the Titanic sank, a string quartet continued to play until the very end. On this sinking ship, the band has long been laid off. Welcome to the SS Financial Meltdown You already know all about doom, gloom and apocalyptic headlines you live in London. Rather than wallow in the mire, we want to help you appreciate the joy of living on the cheap in the city. The cheapskate used to be the person who borrowed a tenner, didn t get a round in at the bar and then denied ever knowing you. Now a cheapskate is the person knowledgeable enough to have a great time on the town for under a fiver, inventive enough to make some extra cash quickly and good-humoured enough to know that sometimes all you can do is laugh. Cheapskate Magazine is for that person and everyone who needs to become one. It is free and put together by full-time, professional cheapskates. Each week we ll be recommending a slew of things to do in London for nothing (or next to) and casting an appraising eye over all the latest trends in cheap. Just as importantly, we re turning our backs firmly on the culture of spend, spend, spend, and the wailing despair of the establishment by issuing a collective call to arms: Join us and celebrate! For we truly have more sense than money. Editors: Ciaran McCauley, Ceiri O Driscoll; Designer: Paul Campbell; Chief Sub Editor: Paul Bentley; Picture Editor: Sylvia Rowley; Production Manager: Lena de Casparis. Thanks to: Declan Gillespie and Nicole Duong Features Cheapskate challenge How much money can you make in a day? Forget dinner, here s the sex Eating out s expensive. Make love, not smalltalk Just press play The record stores fighting back Boeing, going, gone How your luggage made it to Tooting The fine art of talent spotting Find the next Hirst at a University show Intern-al bleeding Work experience gone bad Limited time only Pop in to some pop-up shops Regulars News Interview: The scammer scammer Rags to riches... to rags Confessions of a cheapskate Eating in: Dog dinner Cheapskate quiz Interview: Reverend Billy Listings (pullout from p.24) Paper cinemas Free festivals Underground rebel bingo Jumble sales The scoop Next week Vodka testing Football freestylers Frockme fashion Pub Quizes

4 the week in the What, other than Christiano Ronaldo, can you buy for 80 million? the good 1 Big Mac for the entire population of Canada 10,666 pectoral augmentations Otherwise known as moob jobs 138,000 ounces of gold Photos Bullets: lilfishes.com; Lego: entertainmentearth.com; Toy: robertbradford.co.uk; Uniform: M&S; Mattresses: Tara Todras-Whitehill; Robstopper: Ananova 3 trips to the International Space Station With spare change of just over 15 million 80 per cent of Newcastle United Football Club 11,400 hip replacements Madonna s art collection 8,163,265 Nike footballs 1 Island Macapule, off the coast of Mexico, is 14 miles long and currently for sale at 60million. Leaving you 20million to spend on sun cream Quote of the week Cheap! Cheap! This is the first show I ve ever done where taxpayers money is being used to hang my pictures up rather than scrape them off. Banksy on his new exhibition at the Bristol Museum Transformers Not content shoving his kids old toys in the attic like the rest of us, Cornish sculptor Robert Bradford stuck them together and made two giant ones. They are now on sale for 12,000 each. Resourceful! Verdict: Intoyligent School uniforms are rubbish 4. Running out of ideas let s recycle this one further! Marks & Spencer has announced it is to sell a school uniform made entirely from recycled waste. The clothes are produced by washing and melting plastic bottles, refining the gloop and then weaving them into polyester. Shoes are cobbled together by chopping up and remolding landfill-bound leather shavings. Rubbish joke up ahead: Verdict: Bingenious the Savings An Israeli woman has sites after she binned a worth of her mother s bought her mother a n then threw away the o stuffed within. She tho in an account. As soo mistake she ran outsid had already been remo rything in proportion an the bad, said a stoica The mother, less philos Verdict: Bedlam

5 world of cheap 5. the bonkers top 10 ways to grab an employer s attention One in five jobseekers are using unusual tactics to stand out during the recession, according to a survey conducted by CareerBuilder. Even Michael Owen has resorted to desperate measures. His agency sent out a 34-page booklet to prospective clubs, defending his reputation for not scoring goals and always being injured. Here are the most inventive tactics found by the survey: bad put to bed spent all week scouring landfill mattress containing $1million savings. Anat, from Tel Aviv, ew bed as a surprise gift. She ld bed, unaware of the fortune ught her mother s savings were n as her mother told her of her e and discovered the mattress ved. People have to take eved thank God for the good and l Anat. ophical, refused to comment. ROB STOPPeR A Chinese robber confessed this week to munching through caged window bars in order to break in to a series of houses in the Nanjimen region, Chongqing. Through our investigations, we found the grids had been cut with deep tooth prints, said a local police spokesman. Police arrested Xiong, 23, after originally interviewing his roommate who told them Xiong could crack walnuts with his teeth. Xiong grew up in a mountain town and harnessed his tooth-strength by using them to open walnuts that grew in the area.over a two year period, Xiong only failed once in attempts to chew through window bars. I bit on a 2cm thick steel grid and the first bite nearly dislocated my jaw, he said. I never take other tools with me when breaking in, he added. That s why I never got stopped by patrolling officers at night. Verdict: Nut job 1. Sending a shoe with a CV to get a foot in the door 2. Staging a sit-in in the lobby to get a meeting with a director 3. Washing cars in the car park to show willingness 4. Sending a CV wrapped as a present offering skills as a gift to the company 5. Giving CVs to cars at red traffic lights 6. Sending a cake Designing it as a business card and putting the candidate s picture on it 7. Frequenting the same barber as a company chairman and encouraging the barber to speak to him on the candidate s behalf 8. Handing out personalised coffee cups to potential employees 9. Wearing a bunny suit to an Easter time interview 10. Telling a receptionist an interview has been arranged with the manager Upon meeting the manager, the jobseeker confessed that he was driving by and decided to stop in on a chance

6 6. scamming the sc Gilbert Murray was sick of s from fraudsters offering him millions, so he set up scambuster419.co.uk to beat the scammers at their own game Talk us through why you started trying to bust scammers I kept getting s from scammers and one time, instead of deleting the , I decided to do something in retaliation. It was a small gesture, but I wanted to waste the scammer s time as much as possible. Dealing with my bogus response would give them less time to defraud other people. How altruistic! Well, not entirely. I was pissed off they were taking me for a fool. I wanted to string them along just as they string along others. I wanted to have a bit of fun: to play with them by inventing ridiculous personas and scenarios and see how far I could go without them realising I wasn t for real. I wanted to scam the scammers. It worked. What was your first scambust? I got an from Wale Williams an African foreign exchange banker who claimed he used to work for Kofi Annan. He said a wealthy client of his had died and wanted him to protect his money from corrupt officials in his country. He said he had $30million to split between us. I said I was an inventor and could do with the money for my latest project: Icarus III, a propellor-powered jumbo jet. I explained to him that Icarus I and II had crashed during trial flights. It resulted in a ridiculous exchange. I kept delaying sending over personal details due to my nutty sidekick, Beaker, regularly blowing himself up in our labs. I agreed to seal the deal on a trip to Lagos and they weren t best pleased when, after hours of correspondence, they turned up and I wasn t there. What s the funniest scambust you ve done? I got an from someone posing as Rossy Kofi, a young girl who said she was orphaned after her dad was killed by her uncle. She said her dad had $7.5million in a bank account, which she wanted me to look after so her uncle couldn t get to it. She said I would then get 15 per cent of the money. I feigned concern and started making arrangements for the transfer. She sent me a picture of her and wanted one in return. I told her I owned a massage parlour and wanted her to come work for me. She agreed but wanted to speak on the phone. I said my phone line was down after a truck delivering KY Jelly to my house crashed into an electricity pylon. Then she started with the conditions. She put me in contact with her bank manager who wanted $350 for an official stamp duty fee and for me to send over my passport. I pretended I had sent the money and blamed them when it didn t come through. In the last Rossy threatened suicide and said I needed to help because I was now like a father to her. Do you ever feel bad stringing along the scammers? What if Rossy was for real? Of course she wasn t for real! Scammers are criminals! All they want is your money and they will do whatever they need in order to get it. If you re tempted to feel sorry for people who I ve messed around, don t. They are not nice people. Have you ever been threatened by scammers after taking them for a ride? I ll never forget one guy. Barrister Bernard Williams, who freaked out when he found out my payment was fake. He called me a bastard and wrote: don t contact us again... be warn! Be warn! That cracked me up. I get threats all the time but I never give out contact details and they re a bit too far away for me to get worried. Some people accuse scambust websites of being racist for targeting African scammers. What do you say to them? Advance fee fraud does go on in many countries but most of the scams originate in West Africa, particularly Nigeria. My website is intended to poke fun at the individual scammers, not their countries, nationalities or races. Advance fee fraudsters are a disgrace to their own countries, and have done much to harm the international reputation of many countries overseas. Photos 419eater.com Why did you start the scambuster419.co.uk website? Firstly, to raise awareness about the scammers. The more people know about what they re up to, the better. I also knew I was on to something pretty funny. The web users love the s. You just have to read the feedback on the site. One person said his whole office was getting in trouble for spending all day reading it. Others have said it s the funniest thing on the web. I m not sure about that, but it can be pretty hilarious. The site s name comes from advance fee fraud, which is sometimes referred to as 419 fraud, relating to the section of the Nigerian penal code that prohibits it. Do people ever actually believe the scammers s? They sound ridiculous.

7 ammers You wouldn t think so. The English is often poor, the spelling atrocious, and the stories wildly unbelievable. But people are regularly taken in by them. Advance fee fraud is big business. What should I do if I get an from a scammer? First of all, do not believe it. Second, do not respond to it. Third, delete it. If you feel like pissing off the scammer, you can always forward the onto the abuse department of the scammer s internet service provider, for example or ISPs are not keen to have their services abused by scammers and will often do what they can to shut down accounts used in this way. What s next for you? Any plans for a book? Maybe. A lot of the site s fans say I should publish but there are no concrete plans yet. Cheapskate will publish your book! Send your passport, underpants and 2000 to our bank manager, Mr Dragan, and we re in business! I m actually abroad at the moment. Meet me at the Lagos Hilton tomorrow and it s a deal. Go to our webitse for cctv footage of the scammers being conned 7.

8 8. ADVERTISEMENT Would you like to become an MP? The House expects vacancies to arise among its members from Spring 2010 and wishes to invite applications from any person (man) in the United Kingdom. Job title Member of Parliament Hours of work Monday Thursday, 10am-5pm (at most). Weekends will be spent in your constituency. Or in your 2nd, 3rd or 4th home, which swap in status on an annual basis. Benefits Three-month summer holidays and postjob opportunities on the after-dinner circuit. Salary 64,766 per annum. Plus expenses and John Lewis furnishings. Expenses Due to recent interest in our members spending habits, the purchasing of duck ponds is no longer recommended. For a detailed account of other inadvisable claims see the Daily Telegraph passim. Pension Provisions are moderate but the House can employ your offspring should the need for a care home/luxury cruise arise. Personal specification Any British subject aged 21 or over may stand for election, unless he is a lunatic, felon, traitor, clergyman, civil servant, member of the House of Lords or one of the Royal Family. A highly developed God complex is essential. Balding, middle aged men with a wife, lover and children have a distinct advantage. Education: Candidates who attended a university ending in bridge or ford are preferred. Not including: Bradford, Stafford, Uxbridge etc. Essential skills Well practised in the art of question avoidance Abilty to believe you are fooling the public with your gimmicks and publicity stunts Will comply after a good whipping Bike riding (a car will be provided for your shoes should you need them) Middle class background Propensity for sexual dalliances Disposable skills Ability to conceal aforementioned sexual dalliances Fluent in the standard vernacular of the British Isles A convincing smile Administration and finance skills are not necessary. You can employ your children to cover these roles Knowledge of your constituency Experience None necessary. However, previously disgraced candidates are encouraged to apply. As are the spouses and children of former party leaders. They will be promoted quickly. NB. In line with our policy of adherence to the letter, but not the spirit of the law, we are issuing an open invitation for applications, but must warn that it is likely we will fill the post internally. THE HOUSE OF COMMONS We are not an equal opportunities employer

9 Ever look at a construction worker and think I wonder if I wore a high visibility jacket, could I sneak into places for free? No? Us Cheapskates have. After a one-off purchase of a high viz jacket, I headed to Craven Cottage, home to Fulham Football Club. I arrived 45 minutes before kick off to do some undercover stewarding. I didn t exactly look the part the jacket sat loosely over a T-shirt and jeans. Even worse, the Fulham stewards wore orange jackets while mine was Day-Glo yellow. Should ve done more research. A decent crowd was gathering. Figuring a bit of actual stewarding would help me look the part, I stood in the middle of a road and waved my arms around. I approached two Irish fans who had stopped for a long conversation in the middle of the crowd. Folks, move along there please. One of them turned. Just the man. I ve got a ticket for the Riverside Stand but my friend is sitting in the Hammersmith End. Any chance I could swap my ticket for one at that end? I looked around desperately. Ahh, yes. NEXT WEEK Will high viz get a backhand from the bouncers at Wimbledon? We can but hope. A successful sneak-in to Craven Cottage ACCESS ALL AREAS Republic of Ireland vs Nigeria Craven Cottage, Fulham Great. Where do I go to swap? Ahhhhhhhh. I spotted a vaguely official looking ticket booth. Over there? Over there? Yeah, I said, making up my mind. Over there. It was time to end the method acting and actually get in. At the far end of the Haynes Stand was the reception area, monitored by two security men in suits. Suits too scary. I made my way to the other end of the stand - the official players entrance - a corrugated steel gate with a single steward letting people in and out. Deep breath. Just getting back to resume my post. No problem. And that was it. Success. It didn t end there. I went looking for the best seats in the house the directors box. Wearing the jacket all the way over to the far side of the stadium, I passed steward after steward without being challenged. Arriving at Mohammed Al Fayed s own directors enclave I quickly removed the jacket and freedom I sat for the entire game in total comfort. Even better - I was sitting but yards from former Gladiators presenter and football legend John Fashanu. Mission accomplished. Awoooga. Shh! Here are eight more almost legitimate hustles 1. Get children to buy your cinema tickets Payback for the off-licence oiks who get us to buy them fags and cider. 2. Get out of paying credit card charges on flights Go to set up a virtual credit card and top it up with cash (like phone credit). Book flights and choose VISA ELECTRON as the card type. Enter your virtual card details and put ENTROPAY USER as the cardholder name. Voila, a tenner saved from the evil clutches of Ryanair. 3. Freelance as a health inspector Visit an office, steal the plastic visitor s badge and make your own official-looking insert. Procure a white coat. Patrol greasy restaurants and demand samples. Never again pay for a kebab. 4. Join stitch and bitch groups These are get-togethers where people knit and drink wine. Wait til the end when everyone is toasted and has merrily made their way into the night. Collect the abandoned scarves and rejoice at your warm neck. 5. Make the most of Ikea freebies Grab some pencils and the leaflets people use to jot down furniture numbers. Staple together the leaflets to form notebooks. Lifetime supply of stationary. 6. Volunteer at a charity shop for an hour a week Work your one hour on Monday mornings after the plentiful dropoffs of the weekend. Rummage through the new stock, taking any item of clothing that vaguelly fits/suits you. Then grab toiletry sets and novelty items to give friends and family for every birthday and special occasion for the rest of your life. *DISCLAIMER: We take no responsibilty if anyone ends up friendless or in jail after following this advice, you probably deseve it. Photos Declan Gillespie 9.

10 10. From rags to ric Just how does a self-mad Photos Hammer: boston.com; Basinger: Wikimedia Commons; Tyson: popularpersons.org; Best: Flickr Garrincha Manuel Francisco dos Santos was born into a poor family near Rio de Janiero, Brazil. He had to work in a factory as a child and his father was an alcoholic. Football provided an escape for Garrincha and he went on win the World Cup with Pele in 1958 and FIFA still consider him the world s second greatest player of all time. Garrincha s personal and financial life was not so successful. He was barely literate and the first contract he signed was blank. His life was the proverbial game of two halves early sporting years of glory and a sad decline after retirement as drink, injury, financial and marital problems brought him to ruin. Garrincha died a forgotten hero in 1983 after suffering an alcoholic coma. Sports writer Josh Lacey summed it up well: He lost his virginity to a goat, slept with hundreds of women and sired at least 14 children. When he played for the Brazilian national team he scored 34 goals and won the World Cup twice. He killed his mother-in-law in a car crash, then died of drink aged only 49. Yes, that really did say goat. MC Hammer For several years MC Hammer was the best-selling hip-hop act in history. Other acts - na na na na - couldn t touch him. Massive concert sales, record-setting album sales and the failure of an entire generation to question their ears and eyes, earned the Hammer $49million. His potential to make money did not stop there. Unlike conventional rappers who only use their street cred to pedal clothing lines, fragrances, and soft drinks, Hammer had his own trading card, action figure and Saturday morning cartoon. The man would do anything for cash. But what goes black can quickly go red. In the early nineties all semblance of reality in the great wordsmith s mind had evaporated. He employed 200 people, paying them $7million a year. His 40,000 sq ft crib was decked out with a bowling alley, a recording studio, a 33-seat theater, two swimming pools, tennis courts, a baseball diamond, a 17-car garage and a gold toilet. Confusingly, he also owned two helicopters. And had the lease of a Boeing 747. Like most people, Hammer liked to party. But he liked to party in a cloudlike haze. He wasted further notes on a fire suppression sprinkler system that released mist over social gatherings. In 1996, the Hammer declared bankruptcy. He is now a minister. Kim Basinger If ever the phrase more money than sense was needed it is now. Kim Basinger, evidently beautiful and talented, has shown the economic instincts of a walnut. The woman could command $1,000 a day modelling or make a few million pretending to be Eminem s mum, Batman s mistress or Micky Rourke s missus. Instead she pissed around with needless financial tussles. Based on the advice of her family - who later fell out and caused her to lose the place - Basinger purchased Braselton, Georgia for $20 million. She hoped a small town in Georgia would become a tourist attraction. The fool-proof plan failed. Coupled with this financial meltdown, she dropped out of her next movie, Boxing Helena. In the film, Basinger s character was to have her arms and legs amputated by a stalker who kept her cooped up in a box long enough for her to fall in love with him. The movie was not based on a real life story. The studio sued Basinger for $8million for backing out of the project. She filed for bankruptcy soon after. It should be noted that Basinger has since turned her career around. So much so that she could grace Eminem s biopic (pretty much) with its best line. Seeking comfort with her son about problems with her new boyfriend, Basinger s character whined: Greg won t go down on me. Pure movie magic.

11 11. hes... to rags e superstar blow it all? Mark Twain Mark Twain was a success before he was an author. He worked as a riverboat pilot earning $250 a month - the modern equivalent of an average MP s expenses claim. When he began to write, the royalties poured in. But Twain was a habitual gambler, fond of funding speculative investments and pointless inventions. He sunk piles of cash into innovative but useless devices like infant bed clamps. The financially challenged Twain even set aside work on Huckleberry Finn to concentrate on creating a children s trivia game, a decision comparable to Joaquin Phoenix shunning acting to become a rapper. Twain, as per usual, summed it up best: October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. Given that he is a genius, here s a gratuitous Twain quote: A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mike Tyson Unhinged at the best of times, Iron Mike once told Lennox Lewis: I m ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat your children. Praise be to Allah! Tyson is decidedly bonkers but surely even he couldn t spend a $300 million fortune... Apparently he could. Much of his wealth was swallowed by his entourage. Tyson thought it necessary to pay a man called Crocodile hundreds of thousands of dollars to shout Guerrilla Warfare! at prefight press conferences. A generous type, Tyson bought a batch of six Rolls Royces and distributed them among his friends. He had custom-made Harley Davidsons, a fleet of Rolls, Bentleys and Ferraris, and a half-million dollar watch emblazoned with pornography. Tyson s ultimate undoing was animals (see Cheapskate recipes on p42 to save yourself a similar fate). Food and shelter for his two Bengal tigers set him back $12,000 a month. Most absurd though was Tyson s outlay on pigeons. As ridiculous as earning $30 million for a night s work was his spending on his 350 worldclass birds. Imported from all over the world, the vermin cost thousands to feed and care for. He even had four elaborate barns built in his mansion to house them. In 2003, Tyson declared bankruptcy, owing over $10 million. He now has to try and sell his assets, such as a $100,000 platinum bracelet inscribed Heavyweight Champ. Not many buyers available for that one, Mike. George Best Embarrassingly skilled with a football and blessed with pop star looks, it s no wonder the Belfast Boy - who grew up in the city s modest Cregagh estate - became football s first superstar. The Fifth Beatle and European Champion opened nightclubs and boutiques in the late Sixties, seemingly putting his handsome wage to good use. But as his career petered out, Best conspired to waste everything he had. I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered, he explained. Bankruptcy soon followed. Best spent the rest of his life as an alcoholic, finally succumbing to liver disease in 2006.

12 For some people, Wimbledon means drinking Pimm s in the rain, cheering for a British no-hoper or wanting to strangle Cliff Richard. For me, it represents my darkest hour the time I had innocent, tennis-loving grannies shopped to the cops for cold hard cash. After I graduated a few years ago, I needed to raise some quick money for a holiday. I wasn t exactly broke but was desperate to jet off somewhere sunny. A friend recommended getting a job at Wimbledon. But the romantic idea of serving strawberries to tennis skirt clad luvvies on Murray Mound was soon dashed the only work left was checking tickets and bags as people entered the stadium. The uniform was ridiculous: navy suit; gold buckles; a dainty flat cap to set off the embarrassment. Worst of all, the hourly rate was shocking. I didn t know if all the work would actually pay for the holiday. Luckily for me there was incentive we were rewarded with 100 bonuses if we caught anyone breaking the rules. Immediately, I was tempted. A few well-planted quarter bottles of booze or drugs and quids in I d practically be on the beach, sipping a Caipirinha. As it turned out; I didn t even have to do that. In the UK it is illegal to carry a lock knife. These laws were brought in to discourage knife crime: a noble aim. However, knife crime isn t the biggest of problems round SW19 come late June and I m fairly sure the laws were not designed to prevent venerable old tennis heads from tucking into packed lunches of bread and French cheese. Nonetheless, we were told that any punter coming through the gates with such a weapon should be reported and would be refused entry and cautioned by the police. And, of course, any responsible steward to report such knife-wielding, cheese-eating, geriatric maniacs, would receive the 100 bonus. Now, I m usually a moral person. I swear. I once stole a fiver out of my mum s purse to buy 20 sherbet dips but felt so guilty I broke down during a sugar rush and cried syrupy tears for four hours, begging my mum to forgive me. She did; but I haven t been able to look at sherbet since. But this was too tempting. Before me was a succession of unsuspecting old dearies, unaware of a change in the law that could ruin their yearly routine of toasting tennis with a glass of Rioja and a freshly sliced chunk of Roquefort. Obviously they were no risk to anyone but I needed dosh. It was an easy decision. So up they came to the gates. I searched the bags. Finding any lock knives, I had them confiscated immediately and beckoned any nearby police to escort the offenders from the All-England Club. They didn t take it lightly. Most were confused. One old lovely thought she was being taken away because Wimbledon were tightening their rules on entry with cheese. Another man was a little brusquer, wagging a middle finger in my direction in a particularly undignified way. He also told me to go soak my head, whatever that means. I was only following rules. And I made enough in bonuses for my two weeks away. But I felt awful and was too guilt-ridden to stay in the job although the sweltering heat and stupid polyester suit also had something to do with it. I feel terrible about all those innocent grandparents I had arrested. All for a holiday, paid for with blood money. In fairness, though, it was a really good holiday. confessions of a cheapskate Inside the If you want to confess your tight fistedness contact mind of London s stingiest man 12.

13 Home improvements Home. It s where you live. Full of metaphors for peace, love and belonging it may be, but playground it ain t. What to do when enthusiasm is high but funds are low? Let Cheapskate guide you through the cornucopia of free fun to be found with the front door closed. Kitchen Nothing is more fun than the cutlery drawer. Told as a child never to play with knives? Piffle! Imagine a world without knife thrower s! It d be rubbish - but that s what we d have if we d listened to our parents. Now all you need is a volunteer from the audience. Flatmates, neighbours and siblings are fine, but if doubtful of the accuracy of your aim then perhaps stick to a teddy bear for now. Sellotape your volunteer/victim to the wall and hey presto! Hours of circus-based fun to be had. Garden Bored of perforating your friends? Empty the contents of the cutlery drawer out onto the grass and build a machine. Not a time machine this is a serious article but one of those Wallace and Gromit style, Pob inspired machines that uses multiple implements, and a dash of evil scientist cunning, to do something utterly mundane. For instance: Tie a watering can to a windowsill underneath a leaky gutter; when the can fills it will tip, pouring water into a funnel which decants the liquid onto a spatula attached to the toaster handle. The handle will be pulled down, setting two pieces of bread to toast; when they pop up, the toast will land on a scalectrix set, activating the cars which will race round the track. At the end of the track is your hamster which will squeak with alarm and start running round his hamster wheel. This will generate enough energy to cause a spark on the faulty circuit board you have wired up, setting fire to your next door neighbour s fence. Genius! Living Room They say his home is an Englishman s castle and what better way to celebrate than with a fort in your lounge. Architecture nous is as important here as when considering an extension to your house. Good foundations? Check. Sufficient space? Check. Clearly accessible entrance/exit? Check. Think outside the (cushion-based) box though. Does your house extension have a hole for throwing things at intruders? Didn t think so. Bathroom Cast your mind back to our previous exploits and now add a little liquid refreshment to proceedings. What better to throw at intruders through your fort hole than a balloon filled with water! Stuck for a glutinous substance to sink the hamster in as part of an ingenious egg launching machine? Look no further than your flatmate s wet-look hairgel. Bedroom Sleep, you little domestic adventurer. You must be exhausted. Soundtrack for a Cheapskate Each week Cheapskate will be playlisting the skint experience. This week it s all about - you guessed it - being cheap. Go to cheapskate.com to download this playlist straight into Spotify and comment on our choices. Mo Money Mo Problems - Notorious B.I.G. Biggie had money, Biggie had problems. Now he s in that big crib in the sky. Feel the lightness of your wallet and rejoice Money for Nothing - Dire Straits Rock out 80s style with the Straits and read how to get real money for nothing on p15 in the Cheapskate challenge Taxman - The Beatles Who feels the pain of the taxman more than a multi-millionaire popstar? Just don t look at your payslips anymore, we reckon Common People - Pulp If you called your dad he could stop it all yeah? Well my dad s blocked my number and moved house Gold Digger - Kanye West No-one likes a scrounger, but everyone likes this song. Dance round the kitchen and dream of being dug-worthy yourself Money (That s What I Want) - The Blues Brothers Everyone has covered this tune. That s because everyone wants some money. See? You re in excellent company Skint and Minted - The Libertines Few people know the highs and lows of city life than a drug addict. Remember, there s always someone worse off Next week: Squatting 13.

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