DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE

Transcription

1 1 DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE By Pastor Brad Bailey for the Westside Vineyard God created the marriage relationship to be a blessing. It is a reflection of something eternal and sacred as it reflects the very covenant nature of God in giving oneself to another in unending sacrificial love. As Gary Thomas states, God has planted marriage among humans as yet another sign-post pointing to His own eternal, spiritual existence. Perhaps it should not surprise us that living out such a God-shaped covenant is a challenge. Human hearts have a way of changing over time especially marital affections. What often begins with a sense of blessing can later experience times when it feels like a curse. Differences and divides emerge. Hurt goes unresolved. The vows once taken can seem long abandoned. As a result, many come to a juncture in which one or both partners choose to divorce. The following is intended to help address the questions that may surround divorce and remarriage for those seeking God s heart and mind. Let me begin by expressing that this is not an easy subject to address for several reasons: The painful reality of divorce is something we really don t want to be reminded of. It s been called the hemorrhoids or cancer of our relational life. But perhaps that is why we do need to hear God s heart openly because too many have been left with silence, shame, and confusion. There are as many scenarios as there are couples in the world. Each one deserves to be understood which involves personal interaction. Addressing this as a topic in written words involves limitations. However, I trust these written words are far more helpful than simply ignoring something that effects so many so deeply. I have never met anyone who expected they would be divorced on the day they got married. It nearly always involves discovering one has ended up in a position in life they never could have imagined often feeling they bear the mark of failure. Even many who fought well to save their marriages still feel that others assume they must be foolish and flawed. In truth, many who have suffered a divorce actually become the most sober and sound minded about the sacred responsibility of marriage. There are certainly some who won t stop long enough to gain perspective. Some tend to repeat patterns at the expense of others. That is why we all need to stop and consider divorce not as a stamp upon individuals but as a symptom of that which affects us all. If you re one who has experienced the painful process of a divorce it s not my intention to pass judgment on your past. While I am straightforward when speaking into the marriages I have the privilege of working personally with, I would never presume to speak fairly about a marriage that ended without me being a part of all that was involved. What I want to do is help us get God s heart and mind clear.

2 2 I. Divorce and Remarriage in the Old Testament It is helpful to first consider what was taught in the Old Testament. A central passage is that found in Deuteronomy 24. As the writers of Cornerstone Magazine have elaborated well, in the book of Deuteronomy, God permitted (but did not require) both divorce and remarriage, under the following terms: When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, when she has departed from his house and goes and becomes another man's wife, if the latter husband detests her and writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God is giving to you as an inheritance. (Deut. 24:1-4) [NKJV] This passage will be later amplified by Jesus, but for the sake of context, please note these aspects: the woman is divorced because "she finds no favor in his eyes" due to an unspecified "uncleanness" ("something indecent"), which is clearly not an act of adultery (which would have resulted in her death) (Deut. 22:22). The husband is permitted to divorce her for a nonspecific reason (the Jews took advantage of this vagueness for the next fourteen hundred years). If remarriage truly constituted adultery, then God would have commanded her and her second husband to be executed upon her remarriage. God issued no such command. After the divorce or death of the second husband, the woman is commanded only to not return to her first husband. Following the loss of the second husband, the text does not say that no man may take her as his wife; it says only that the "former husband" may not remarry her. Presumably, she is free to marry a third husband. This passage prohibits remarriage only to a first husband (who divorced his wife for a cause other than adultery), and does not prohibit all remarriages after a divorce. Ironically, it would forbid the practice of some churches which hold that a husband who divorced his wife inappropriately must return to her even after she has married another man. Before leaving the Deuteronomy 24 passage, we should observe the purpose of a "certificate of divorce." It indicated the severance of the marriage obligation, and it specifically contained the right to remarry. Having an actual copy of this document, obtained via archaeology, casts much light on this discussion. An early copy of the certificate of divorce reads (in part): But now I have dismissed you [name] daughter of [father] by whatever name you are called, of the town of [name] so as to be free at your own disposal, to marry whomsoever you please, without hindrance from anyone, from this day forever. You are therefore free for anyone [who would marry you]. Let this be your bill of divorce from me, a writing of separation and expulsion, according to the law of Moses and Israel. [1] This writ gave the divorced woman the option to remarry. Without it, a man might marry her without the assurance that he was not committing adultery against a separated husband. Clearly, the

3 3 purpose of this bill was to protect a woman and her family against the charge of adultery in the event of a future remarriage. An indirect argument that remarriage after divorce was permissible appears in the book of Leviticus, which forbade Israel's priesthood (Lev. 21:7) and the high priest (Lev. 21:14) from marrying divorced women. Note that the Torah does not contain similar prohibitions for the other twelve tribes against marrying a divorced woman. How can a limited prohibition serve to argue for remarriage? Consider the case of marriage to a widow. There is no biblical injunction against marrying widows generally. Indeed, "if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes" (1 Cor. 7:39), and the widow Ruth was commended for marrying Boaz. Yet in Leviticus 21:14, the high priest was forbidden from marrying a widow. In Ezekiel's vision in prophecy, God's priests would be permitted to marry widows only if they were the widows of other priests, but not the widows of commoners (Ezek. 44:22). This exception in Ezekiel against priests marrying a divorced woman or widow appears to contain the opposite conclusion as well: those who were not priests were permitted to marry either a divorced woman or a widow. Note that there is also no passage of Old Testament scripture which forbids marriages to or by a divorced man. We acknowledge that God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16), yet we also find it undeniable that remarriage after divorce was sanctioned in Scripture for the people of God under the Old Covenant. Divorce and remarriage were sanctioned as, at least, a concession for people who would not live in harmony; at best, it can be seen as a provision for fallen humanity in the Old Testament. (From Cornerstone, vol. 25, issue. 110, pp. 6, 8, 10, 15, 25; 1997) II. Understanding Jesus Regarding Divorce and Remarriage The most noted teaching of Jesus about divorce and remarriage are found in the following two passages: It has been said, Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce. But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. - Matthew 5:31-32 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" 4 "Haven't you read," He replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 7 "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" 8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." - Matthew 19:3-9

4 4 Christ s teaching here has often been poorly misunderstood and painfully misapplied. The issue is not whether these statements are to be taken seriously, but precisely what Jesus intended to imply. He meant to oppose divorce but did he mean to forbid remarriage to the faithful victims of divorce or even repentant participants of divorce? A. Who and What Jesus is Addressing The religious leaders Jesus was addressing were those who wanted to trap Jesus by forcing him to choose which concessions were fitting for them to put away their wives. In this time and culture, men held all the prerogatives concerning marriage and divorce, whereas women had little or no social position outside marriage. The concession they refer to is found in Deuteronomy 24. The concession was given to protect women who had been put out by their husbands. It required the husband to provide a bill of divorce which would authenticate her release and her right to remarry. Jesus is addressing those whose "hardness of heart" led them to seek other wives by legal concession. Against their understanding that such legal concession left them righteous and pleasing to God, Jesus says "you have put her out as a woman married in God's eyes." The challenge is not against those put out but those who self-righteously are putting one out in order to take another. As noted by Gary M. Burge, professor of New Testament at Wheaton College and Graduate School, He was also standing against the teaching that a man was required to dispense with his wife when he suspected unfaithfulness. Jesus amends this, finding such behavior intolerable. Moses did not command his people to divorce wives, he permitted it. The springboard for right action should not be hard-heartedness, but charity. Jesus affirms once more that only if the woman has done something herself that irreparably ruptures the marriage can such a divorce be right. But it isn't a necessary response. B. The Form of Jesus' Expression What did Jesus intend for his hearers to understand when he spoke of causing the woman to become an adulteress and anyone marrying her to be committing adultery? An important means to understanding Jesus form of expression is to look at the comments that surround it. Surrounding His teaching on divorce, He speaks of anger and name calling as murder. He also speaks of lust as adultery and the subsequent merits of plucking out one s eye. These expressions of speech are called hyperbole - a common form of rhetorical exaggeration. In using hyperbole, Jesus is calling forth a higher righteousness than the letter of the law rather than constructing a new law based on a literal application of His words. Every statement surrounding this makes such intent clear. His point was that the heart will be judged by God not that anger and name calling should literally be treated as murder (vv ); not that lust should literally be treated as adultery or lead one to pluck out their eye (vv.27-30); nor that those improperly divorced should be treated as an adulterous. This could be compared to someone saying If you neglect your children and don t bring guidance you re making them a criminal. Who is it an indictment of? The parents. Is it intended to judge the child as a criminal? No.

5 5 Why have these words of Jesus regarding divorce often been taken more literally than the other subjects he addresses? It s likely that only these words about divorce could conceivably be enforced in any practical fashion. Trying to convict anger as murder or lust as adultery simply offer even less opportunity to apply literal applications by which new laws could be created. It should be recognized that it is also difficult to imagine treating those remarried as literally living in adultery and who should therefore divorce and then remarry a former spouse. As the old adage points out, "Two wrongs don't make a right." We can t make a law about anger in the heart or lust within. In the same way, Jesus was not intending to make a law regarding divorce and remarriage. Jesus knew that the law had only served as a guiding concession in a fallen world. He came to restore the very reign of God on earth the kingdom of God; therefore, he doesn t debate the law with them but rather pierces the way in which the law was being used to ignore God s original and ultimate intention. God s highest calling is now empowered by the very life of Christ serving as a new law written in our hearts by the Spirit of God. As such, his words left everyone silenced. (After this we note the disciples referring to Jesus teaching as hard.) By speaking in hyperbole Jesus showed the issue of the heart: exceptions were not to become excuses and concessions were not to become our calling. This leads us to consider the exception he does refer to. C. The "exception" can be understood as the freedom to respond appropriately if a partner severs the fundamental bond of the marriage The exception (acceptable premise for divorce) described as "marital unfaithfulness" may refer to the broader principle of violating the bonds of marriage; not simply a single act of sexual union with another, but any unfaithful state of giving oneself to another person. The "exception" is not so much an exception as it is a potential premise by which the unfaithful partner has already broken the most fundamental bonds of marriage. God always hates divorce because he provided marriage as an expression of covenant love. To recognize there are times when God approves of divorce only recognizes that there are times when there has already been a fundamental severing of marriage for which legal divorce is the tragic consequence. I have come to believe that the underlying principle can appropriately be applied to three potential patterns which reflect similar means of one partner divorcing themselves from the very intention to fidelity: Adultery: one's partner giving himself or herself to another Abandonment: an ongoing pattern of one s partner forsaking, without appropriate justification, the fundamental responsibilities of marriage Abuse: significant and unstoppable threat to one's basic safety I do not expand upon such permissible grounds for divorce lightly. They are not explicit in these particular texts. However, it has been noted that the broader grounds for divorce and remarriage were already understood based upon Exodus 21:10 and Jesus was not intending to address these as such. [2] I also believe that these three patterns reflect the broader intent of Scripture as well as

6 6 what the best of pastoral wisdom has recognized over time. I have been very intentional to define each of the primary words used here because they are often overused in very broad ways. I believe Jesus words imply that any concession for divorce is a reflection of the most fundamental nature of marriage having already been severed. These terms should not be used broadly to simply justify a desire to get out of a marriage relationship that may be hard. I want to challenge everyone not to apply such terms lightly. The intent of Jesus is to show the inappropriate use of divorce for what it is, not to condemn or forbid remarriage to faithful victims or repentant participants. To seek concessions from marriage is categorically wrong, but to accept concessions from marriage is not categorically wrong. III. Some Principles To Guide Us 1. Marriage is the sacred union between two beings who reflect God s image in a complimentary form and God s intention is for marriage to last a lifetime. We must not casually lose a sense of the difference between God s ultimate heart for marriage and His concessions for divorce. As Kevin DeYoung states well, Before we see anything else about divorce and remarriage we have to feel the weight of what Jesus is saying. The Pharisees want to talk about acceptable reasons for a divorce. Jesus wants to talk about the sanctity of marriage. They want to talk about when a marriage can be broken. He wants to talk about why marriages shouldn t be broken. If all you hear are the reasons a marriage covenant might be broken, it s like learning to fly by practicing your crash landings or training for battle by practicing your retreats. Whatever exceptions there might be, the main thing is that marriage is supposed to be permanent. 2. Marriage is not rooted in the merits of finding the right person (compatibility) but rather in becoming the right person (growing in God s nature.) When a marriage becomes difficult, there can be a temptation to think how much easier it would be if we could find someone without that one issue which we are so hurt by someone who understands us better perhaps even supports our spiritual aspirations more. Any romantic mindset that assumes that marital bliss is all about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right will naturally conclude that if we now face challenging dynamics we must have made a mistake. We must recognize that nowhere does Jesus even consider such an idea of marital success being about finding the right person and the potential of making a mistake that should send us into a new search. We do well to remember that in Christ s time and culture, and still in many places today, the choice for one s spouse was arranged by the parents. The simple truth is that there are many people on the planet that may be more compatible than one s life-long covenant partner. Compatibility is only a relative ideal... and often a deceiving one. While we value the seeking compatibility in order to limit the challenges, we have got to come to terms with the truth that success in marriage is not defined by how easy it is. The Scriptures emphasize that marriage is less about finding the right person and more about becoming the right person. Marriage is not as much about personal fulfillment as it is about personal growth. Embracing this truth can redeem much of hurt and hardship we face.

7 7 3. A central challenge in marriage is to take responsibility for guarding one s heart from hardness. Jesus refers to the hardness of heart as the root of the problem for which Moses had to make concessions (Matthew 19:8). Jesus emphasizes that the real issue lies within. It s within our hearts that we lust, harm others, and cast marriage partners aside. (Matthew 5) More important that whether we have conflict in our marriages is what we cultivate in our hearts towards the other. Are we inwardly developing a hardened heart a wandering heart a hopeless heart? The breakdown in marriage stability and the increase in divorce may naturally cause many to think marriage has failed us. The simple truth is that marriage is not failing us we are failing at marriage and at an enormous cost. We need to take responsibility for our own hearts which may include guarding ourselves from the cultural cynicism towards the opposite sex, seeking healthy perspective from those who know our partner and support our marriage, and asking God to search our hearts and show us our wrongful ways. (Psalm 139:22-23) 4. When one partner s patterns have essentially divorced them from fidelity to the marriage, divorce is permitted but not required. Such permissible grounds for divorce include: Adultery: one's partner giving himself or herself to another Abandonment: departure or total estrangement by one's partner Abuse: significant and unstoppable threat to one's basic safety These are not concessions which one should seek but rather grounds by which divorce may be acceptable. One should seek God s heart and leading. 5. While God categorically declares His hate for divorce, He does not categorically judge those who have been divorced... and neither should we. Unless we re intimately close with someone, we don t know what lies behind a marriage that ended in divorce. There are some who are divorced who are more faithful to marriage than many who are never married and even some who are still married. While it s generally true that the problems in a marriage involve both partners, it is not true that both partners have made the same choices that led to divorce. As we discover faithfulness to marriage, let there be honor. Where we discover the work of unfaithfulness, let us seek recognition, repentance (turning of heart and will) and restoration. Above all, I challenge each of us to commit ourselves to guarding and supporting the heart of those who are married. 6. Marriage is most honored when it embraces that it is bound in community that which can support and speak into the challenges involved. Jesus was being addressed as a rabbi-teacher a communal role which served to bring clarity to the way of God in real life. He affirmed the communal role by which marriage, divorce, and remarriage can best be served through openness and submission to others, particularly those who would later be

8 8 set apart as pastors, elders, and overseers of his new community (church). Jesus did not intend to establish a new letter of the law but to restore the spirit of the law and He intended for those who would advance the Kingdom (His Church) to advance such principles of righteousness through fellowship and voluntary submission to one another (Matthew 18:15-20). One of the greatest signs of honoring marriage is what one does in submitting their heart to others and in so doing, to the ministry of Christ. I have found that most people allow their hearts to slowly come to an inner decision to divorce before they really seek help from others and as such, the heart is settled before such help can seek to help. God s heart for marriage will never be restored primarily by rules.but through relationships that can help us face ourselves with God s grace. I ve had the privilege of ministering both reconciliation and restoration. I performed a second wedding of my closest childhood friend after his first wife ran away from God and from him in the process. I had the privilege to re-marry a couple who had already divorced each other. I ve had the privilege of simply helping others go through a season of reckoning with their past. I have also had to face the limitations of being able to restore aspects that were deeply destructive and ultimately wading out into the waters of grace in accepting divorce as the appropriate decision. This was not a process by which hearts were freely running off to chase their own self interest. It was a process filled with recognition and responsibility and ultimately a decision that was not left in the shadows and silence of community. Just as the community which represents Christ s presence can bless a marriage covenant, so they should be a source of support throughout the life of the marriage including restoration in all its forms and engaging the hearts and needs when divorce is considered. IV. How Then Will We Engage Divorce? We embrace a communal commitment to honor the covenant of marriage as Christ did. God does not categorically judge those who have been divorced and neither will we. As relationship with one another allows, we will seek to understand, to honor what is honorable, confront what is erring, and condemn no one. Consistent with the teachings of Christ (and the Apostle Paul), we will not support an ongoing pattern of dishonoring the covenant of marriage, reflected in: A casual approach towards getting married (i.e lack of thought and preparation) Unfaithfulness to the fundamental commitment Initiating divorce without appropriate reason, or Bringing division into the marriage of others. For those for whom one or more of these choices have been made in the past, as relationship develops, we will seek authentic and appropriate recognition and repentance. This involves more than simply feeling regret. It involves a clear grasp of one s responsibility and any appropriate action which reflects change. If deemed appropriate, this may include seeking forgiveness of the former partner and fulfillment of obligations involved in the former marriage especially related to the role of a parent if the former marriage had children. This process is not about bringing shame

9 9 but actually the process by which we are liberated from shame. Our desire is to bring genuine freedom knowing, A broken heart and a contrite spirit the Lord will never deny. Again, we do not presume that that one s past leads to a lack of honor for marriage. Often it can lead to a deepened honor for marriage. Our commitment is to help create clarity regarding one s past which strengthen the future. If such choices have not been recognized and repented from, we will not participate in potentially continuing such a pattern by blessing a choice to marry again. For those who seek to currently make such choices, we will seek to bring healing and restoration to the current challenges at hand along with appealing to God s heart. We do not presume to control people s lives including the choice by one or both partners to divorce. However, we do embrace the natural consequences of the choices an individual makes. If someone who professes to be a part of community avoids or forsakes the counsel and accountability of pastors / elders (when grounded in God s Word), that choice can reflect a rejection of community which such overseers represent, and it is simply the natural consequence that their continued participation in the life of the community would be at the discretion of the pastors / elders. While such consequences may seem strong, we believe they are inherent to the appropriate responsibility that must accompany the making of life-long commitments which effect other lives most notably that of potential children. Above all, whether in a difficult state of marriage or having been divorced, we seek to turn all hearts to God s presence. He bears the power of hope and healing... forgiveness and restoration. God is the foundation of covenant love the One who will never leave us or forsake us. If you or someone you know has experienced divorce you know it can be a disorienting experience. The world we wake up to may be less familiar and perhaps we are not sure where God is. But if we allow ourselves to consider His position more deeply we can discover he is the One and the ONLY ONE who has always understood the pain we can face when forsaken and lost. He knows the pain; there is no need to convince Him He comes to share it. He has been the most open about wanting to help us and even when lost to be with us. Jesus always sat down with those considered to have failed socially or morally... for one reason: He saw more in them than anyone else even themselves. And he still does. Notes: 1. W. W. Davies, "Divorce in the OT," in The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia (1915), James E. Orr, ed. As cited by Cornerstones publication. 2. See 1 Corinthians 7:10-16, Exodus 21:10 and the work of Dr David Instone-Brewer at